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2nd chance? - 7/27/2008 4:00:45 PM
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rsh
Posts: 23
Joined: 6/21/2005
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About 13 months ago, I was spending some time with this woman in my S.S. class at church. I'm 31, she's 37. We weren't really dating, but just doing stuff as friends. One day, she told me she liked me as more than a friend. I told her I wasn't ready for a relationship and that I didn't feel anything more than friendship between us. But then again, I was going through a rough time in the wake of another "woman-related" situation and probably would've felt the same way about anyone else. I just really wasn't ready to be serious with anybody. This left her disappointed and hurt. I felt guilty about it, but that's beside the point. We got over that situation and we were still getting to know each other after that, just on a friendship level.
Last October, she started dating a guy while I got back into the dating scene a couple of months later. I was really starting to like this one woman I met, but she told me after 3 dates that she didn't want a relationship. So I was on the other side of the fence this time, which was really nothing new in my life. I casually went out with a couple of other women at different times, but it just wasn't the same. It felt like things were one-sided on my part when it came to potential relationships. It made me question myself as to whether or not I should've given the woman from 13 months ago a chance to see if there could be anything more than friendship. It got to the point where I gave up my dating life to God last March and I haven't gone out with anyone since.
Two weeks ago, the woman from 13 months ago emailed me for the first time in 5 months and told me that she broke up with her b-friend. She was hurt about the breakup, but that she had to do it for whatever the reasons were. She asked me to pray for her and said that she was sorry for "abandoning" me and her other friends. I have genuinely been praying for her and forgave her (even though I didn't think there was anything to forgive).
With all this (and I apologize for the length), I have this urge to tell her that I screwed things up with us last year and that I should've given her a chance. If she had told me now what she had told me 13 months ago, my response probably would've been different. Is it a bad idea to tell her that, considering the timing? She liked me at one time, but I don't know if those feelings would still be there. Any thoughts or suggestions?
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RE: 2nd chance? - 7/27/2008 4:38:55 PM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 1891
Joined: 6/4/2008
From: One of the coldest places on Earth
Status: offline
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It never hurts to give someone a second chance. I say forgive her and continue from there.
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RE: 2nd chance? - 7/27/2008 6:28:27 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1946
Joined: 9/26/2007
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I may be way off, but please consider this:
I'm a little concerned that you're looking at the vending machine and thinking, "I don't really want A and I don't really want B but I want something so I'll pick one of these."
If you want to get married (and for most people it's God's will) then ask Him what to do. What is His timing for you? (Your age doesn't matter to Him I don't think). Who is the person who is a good match and you should be waiting/looking for? Is there something you need to do to prepare yourself to be a great husband and father? (Go do it now!).
I tell my daughter: don't marry the person you can live with but the person you can't live without. And don't get physically involved so your body tells you you have to marry when it wasn't God's man for you.
I hope this helps. If it doesn't, delete and know that I am praying for you today.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: 2nd chance? - 7/27/2008 6:56:30 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 470
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
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Your situation is probably not all that out of the ordinary. Maybe she was the right one but she pushed for a relationship at the wrong time. You both hit speed bumps in your dating life and sometimes speed bumps can open your eyes to what you really want. Perhaps you saw some things in this woman that you undervalued (until you tried to date other women) and now you are realizing that you let a good one go. If that's how you feel, communicate with her about it but if you are settling on her just because both of you are available (like Deermousie pointed it) then don't pursue it. Either way, be completely honest with yourself before you go any further.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: 2nd chance? - 7/27/2008 10:04:10 PM
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rsh
Posts: 23
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ
Your situation is probably not all that out of the ordinary. Maybe she was the right one but she pushed for a relationship at the wrong time. You both hit speed bumps in your dating life and sometimes speed bumps can open your eyes to what you really want. Perhaps you saw some things in this woman that you undervalued (until you tried to date other women) and now you are realizing that you let a good one go.
You nailed it. That's exactly the situation! She did tell me her feelings quite quickly, but that's the only criticism I've had of her in that situation. You're especially right on the undervaluing. She's kind to everybody. She wouldn't hurt a soul. She's an elementary school teacher and her kids adore her. She has a really big heart. I think another problem on my end was that I had interests in other things that would've taken priority over her in my life, but those interests are no longer that important to me and wouldn't be over her anymore.
quote:
ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ
If that's how you feel, communicate with her about it but if you are settling on her just because both of you are available (like Deermousie pointed it) then don't pursue it. Either way, be completely honest with yourself before you go any further.
I think that's what I'm dealing with right now. When she first told me that she was seeing this other guy, my heart actually sunk. Honestly, my current thought process can go back even to the time before I knew that she was seeing this other person. But since she started seeing him, there was no point in dwelling on that anymore b/c it was too late at the time. My thinking was that I blew it and I just need to move on. That being said, there were two sides of me inside when she told me she broke it off with this other guy. One was genuine concern for her b/c ending either a relationship or potential relationship isn't a comforting thing. The other side was a small selfish part of me for obvious reasons.
I can't really say that I'd be pursuing her just for the sake of pursuing b/c I've thought about her ever since she emailed me and I was even thinking of her off and on for whatever reason BEFORE she emailed me. If she were to tell me right now that she had a new boyfriend, I'd be hurt. I'm not sure how you'd comprehend all of that, but that's what's been happening with me anyway.
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RE: 2nd chance? - 7/28/2008 12:51:23 PM
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jlp1
Posts: 125
Joined: 4/4/2008
From: Chicago
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
I may be way off, but please consider this:
I'm a little concerned that you're looking at the vending machine and thinking, "I don't really want A and I don't really want B but I want something so I'll pick one of these."
If you want to get married (and for most people it's God's will) then ask Him what to do. What is His timing for you? (Your age doesn't matter to Him I don't think). Who is the person who is a good match and you should be waiting/looking for? Is there something you need to do to prepare yourself to be a great husband and father? (Go do it now!).
I tell my daughter: don't marry the person you can live with but the person you can't live without. And don't get physically involved so your body tells you you have to marry when it wasn't God's man for you.
I hope this helps. If it doesn't, delete and know that I am praying for you today.
I agree and desperation can get the best of us at times.
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RE: 2nd chance? - 7/28/2008 2:21:13 PM
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rsh
Posts: 23
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jlp1
quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
I may be way off, but please consider this:
I'm a little concerned that you're looking at the vending machine and thinking, "I don't really want A and I don't really want B but I want something so I'll pick one of these."
If you want to get married (and for most people it's God's will) then ask Him what to do. What is His timing for you? (Your age doesn't matter to Him I don't think). Who is the person who is a good match and you should be waiting/looking for? Is there something you need to do to prepare yourself to be a great husband and father? (Go do it now!).
I tell my daughter: don't marry the person you can live with but the person you can't live without. And don't get physically involved so your body tells you you have to marry when it wasn't God's man for you.
I hope this helps. If it doesn't, delete and know that I am praying for you today.
I agree and desperation can get the best of us at times.
Oh I agree with most of that. The only problem is that I don't think the "vending machine' scenario applies to me at all, even though I do understand what's being said.
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RE: 2nd chance? - 7/28/2008 4:47:32 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1946
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rshOh I agree with most of that. The only problem is that I don't think the "vending machine' scenario applies to me at all, even though I do understand what's being said.
Then I apologize, RSH, and I'm glad that wasn't the situation.
I am praying God will work His perfect will in you, to your joy!
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: 2nd chance? - 7/28/2008 5:42:25 PM
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preserved
Posts: 631
Joined: 6/12/2007
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rsh, you are confused at this time...You need to sit down and have a talk with God as to what you really want...
I don't think that I would re-approach her at this point...She obviously thought there was something between the two of you that caused her to tell you of her feelings early on...and then when you told her more or less just interested in being friends..She never really accepted that no more than you did...however, she not only stopped emailing you but met someone else. Now she emails you to tell that things did not work out...
I think the two of you need to start back off as friends and understanding what the definition of friend is and allow God to take it from there...In a sense...both of you are on a rebound....
We have to be careful of people feelings and thoughts...we do reap what we sow...I would re-start back as friends ..The two of you hurt each other...There is forgiveness on both parts...
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RE: 2nd chance? - 7/28/2008 6:01:42 PM
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rsh
Posts: 23
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
quote:
ORIGINAL: rshOh I agree with most of that. The only problem is that I don't think the "vending machine' scenario applies to me at all, even though I do understand what's being said.
Then I apologize, RSH, and I'm glad that wasn't the situation.
I am praying God will work His perfect will in you, to your joy!
No apology necessary. I see what your point was.
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RE: 2nd chance? - 7/28/2008 6:05:09 PM
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rsh
Posts: 23
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: preserved
rsh, you are confused at this time...You need to sit down and have a talk with God as to what you really want...
I don't think that I would re-approach her at this point...She obviously thought there was something between the two of you that caused her to tell you of her feelings early on...and then when you told her more or less just interested in being friends..She never really accepted that no more than you did...however, she not only stopped emailing you but met someone else. Now she emails you to tell that things did not work out...
I think the two of you need to start back off as friends and understanding what the definition of friend is and allow God to take it from there...In a sense...both of you are on a rebound....
We have to be careful of people feelings and thoughts...we do reap what we sow...I would re-start back as friends ..The two of you hurt each other...There is forgiveness on both parts...
Well, the rebounding is what worries me about the whole thing. That's why I'm asking about the timing. And you're right, we have to be careful of people's feelings. I'm more worried about hurting her feelings than I am mine. Not that I'm not worried about myself, but you know what I'm saying.
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RE: 2nd chance? - 7/28/2008 6:12:25 PM
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preserved
Posts: 631
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rsh
quote:
ORIGINAL: preserved
rsh, you are confused at this time...You need to sit down and have a talk with God as to what you really want...
I don't think that I would re-approach her at this point...She obviously thought there was something between the two of you that caused her to tell you of her feelings early on...and then when you told her more or less just interested in being friends..She never really accepted that no more than you did...however, she not only stopped emailing you but met someone else. Now she emails you to tell that things did not work out...
I think the two of you need to start back off as friends and understanding what the definition of friend is and allow God to take it from there...In a sense...both of you are on a rebound....
We have to be careful of people feelings and thoughts...we do reap what we sow...I would re-start back as friends ..The two of you hurt each other...There is forgiveness on both parts...
Well, the rebounding is what worries me about the whole thing. That's why I'm asking about the timing. And you're right, we have to be careful of people's feelings. I'm more worried about hurting her feelings than I am mine. Not that I'm not worried about myself, but you know what I'm saying.
True about the rebounding when in her case you really do not know why her relationship with the other person did not work...and then out of the blue she contacts you to tell you...That is why I indicated to just be friends and see how things go...both of you need to make your visions plain and clear
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RE: 2nd chance? - 7/29/2008 11:28:02 PM
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rsh
Posts: 23
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline
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Just a quick update everyone.......This friend of mine emailed me tonight and said she got back together with her b-friend. Why she did, I don't know, but the scenario I had brought up at the start is irrelevant now. I just hope she remembers who her friends are b/c she forgot that when she was dating this guy before. And I wasn't the only friend who she abandoned.
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RE: 2nd chance? - 7/30/2008 10:37:31 PM
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joeysei
Posts: 13
Joined: 7/8/2008
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Motives, what are your motives, don't have to answer in the forum just ask yourself prayerfully with God. Also Rebounds from hurtful relationships involving a new relationship are rarely successful, and usually end up bad, unless the Lord is in it leave it laying down.
_____________________________
Does the Devil cringe when you roll up out of bed?!?!?
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RE: 2nd chance? - 8/2/2008 11:53:29 PM
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Wonder_Woman
Posts: 88
Status: offline
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It's moot at this point regarding this woman, but what you said did not escape me.
quote:
I told her I wasn't ready for a relationship
There is no reason to feel guilty. It really is a matter of God's timing. He will let you know when you are ready.
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