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RE: Is it marriage that's hard, or is it the way some p... - 9/29/2008 6:54:34 AM
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creationtalk
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I can think of two analogies for marriage that might illustrate my view:
(1) A team of horses that is pulling together can pull more than their combined weight. But if they are not in accord and pulling together, they will both end up exhausted with little accomplished. Marriage is like this. Unless both people in the relationship are working for common goals, and a common vision of what they would like to accomplish in their lives and marriage, neither will be happy with where they end up and they will feel that marriage is hard and too much work...but it's because they are trying to pull the load toward their personal goals, rather than a common goal.
(2) Used to be a lot of malls had these tall ficus trees with braided trunks--three stems braided together until they have grown into one trunk. Most of us expect that our marriage will be like the grown ficus where we are so intertwined that we are one. However, just as the trunk on the ficus did not get braided all at once, but required constant attention to pull each stem into place as the tree grew, marriage requires constant attention and work to keep the lives of the parties entwined. You cannot take a ficus that has grown to several feet tall and try to braid its stem. You would break the wood because each stem has grown too far in it's own direction. The stems all started from a single point, but without work put into them, they will eventually be separated and cannot be pulled back together. Again, marriage is like this. The couple gets married, starting from the same point, sure that down the road their lives will be so enter twined that they are essentially one. But unless they are willing to put in the work, as time goes on they will get farther apart and harder and more resistant to giving up going their own way to become one with their partner.
ONe think I think is important in this analogy is that it takes 3 stems to make the braid. If there are only two, it doesn't hold together on its own but requires constant work until it has grown together--the third 'stem" in marriage is God. God needs to be braided into the marriage as well--so as the couple grow together, they grow together with God.
Marriages may also be "work" if one or both came into the marriage thinking that it will improve their lives rather than focused on what they can do to improve the life of their partner.
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RE: Is it marriage that's hard, or is it the way some p... - 9/29/2008 9:23:24 AM
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danivrich
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i think some people make marriage harder than it is. it's challenging enough being married - learning to live with somebody else, learning their habits, etc. but if you have a bad attitude, you're just asking for trouble. creationtalk is absolutely right - God must be a part of marriage. He created marriage, so if He is not a central part of it, there is no marriage.
for the first 2 years of our marriage, i had a very difficult pregnancy then my hubby got hurt at work. he was on workman's comp for over 2 years. he was unable to work and i stayed home to take care of him and our daughter. we struggled like you wouldn't believe. we lived in this tiny little rent house, we were together 24/7. it wasn't pretty.  then, about 8 months into it all, we both came to Christ. WOW! what a difference it made! not only in our marriage, but in each of us as well.
God has blessed us abundantly in the past few months - hubby is better and has a great new God-appointed job, we were able to buy a new home, we had another beautiful daughter, and we got a settlement from workman's comp. but more than all that - we grew closer together and we grew closer to God. every day our marriage gets better. that's not to say that it's all easy breezy, 'cause it's surely not. but i think if you put God front and center of your marriage it's better. i've learned that as much as i think i can do it all, i most certainly cannot. and when i try and "fix" my hubby or "fix" the problems in my marriage, i fail. but when i call out to God for help, He is happy to.
i probably rambled on and didn't make a single point. lol.
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RE: A question about marriage - 9/29/2008 9:26:37 AM
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buckifn
Posts: 1865
Joined: 5/23/2006
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My first marriage was not good, the 2nd one has been more wonderful than any words could convey.
The key differences are obvious for me. 1. We both love God and seek His will about EVERYTHING, within ourselves first, and then within our marriage.
2. We communicate openly, honestly, and continually. One of the most important parts of our communication is prayer time together.
There is something about holding hands and praying for one another and with one another that makes everything else in life be seen differently.
I cannot emphasize the value of praying together enough.
For me that makes a HUGE difference.
It also helps when we can learn from our mistakes and move forward...releasing all our burdens and past hurts to God before we enter a new relationship.
People often enter marriage before they have allowed Christ to make them whole and then they expect another person to suddenly make things perfect. That has not and will not ever happen.
If 2 people have submitted themselves to God first and then enter a marriage covenant there is room for GREAT things to happen.
Our love deepens everyday and all praise goes to God for helping us know how to allow Him to help us make that possible.
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RE: A question about marriage - 9/29/2008 11:02:47 AM
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HisCovenant
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I agree with everyone else... It's a little of both, but mostly it's us botching it up.
Here are the two extremes:
You know that there are hard circumstances (such as some disease, some financial problems, etc) that are not consequences of botching it up that many people go through and people can choose how they will deal with those hard times. I find that those who deal with unforeseen circumstances generally have disciplined themselves such that they are able to go throughhard times with flying colors, growing closer to God and being content in the hard time.
Others have very hard times because of botching it up and directly cause financial problems, diseases, lack of trust, etc. People who botch it up as a way of life usually won't admit that's what's causing the problem because then they have to deal with changing themselves, repenting, and repairing the relationship. They have to discard their selfishness, and that's super hard.
Then, you have the mixing of the extremes:
One non botcher is married to a botcher.
The botcher who does learn from their mistakes, at times.
The non botcher who make an uncharateristic mistake that has far reaching consequences.
As a single, the main thing to fear in marriage is that you are the botcher or that you marry a botcher. Botchers can be spotted a mile away, if you have your eyes open. Discipline yourself in the Lord and discern if a potential mate is truely doing the same, and marriage is a lot less difficult. There will always be irritants and stresses, but God can give us the grace to deal with them. If you are equally yoked, as the Bible commands in marriage, pulling the load together is much easier.
_____________________________
-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: A question about marriage - 9/29/2008 12:21:16 PM
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divorcingmyself
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I guess that I wouldn't use the term "botch" it up. That implies that there is active desire to destroy a marriage. Few (there are those) get married with the intent that if things don't go their own way, they will divorce.
I married late in life (43) to a woman of the same age. We both thought that we knew each other (you know, they say that what and who you are after 30 is what and who you are going to be until you die  ). Both seemed to have a deep relationship with the Lord. But not long after marriage, we discovered that we had really different ideas of the Walk. This led to challenges and ultimately to divorce (she requested it, no adultery was involved, BTW). Did we plan on splitting? Did we work actively to destroy the marriage? I'm really not willing (from talking to Christian counselors and friends) to say that this is the case on either of our parts.
I think (and my training as a psychotherapist supports the notion) that what causes marriages to fail is inflexibility and a lack of a long-term goal to stay together. It is my observation that individuals with a relatively easy childhood (materially) are less likely to work through difficulties (a learned behavior). They are not prepared to deal with the challenge of living 24/7 with a very different person and establishing and sticking to goals.
Yes, marriage is hard as it takes each being willing to give up a portion of their own desires/culture/egocentrism in order to form a new "person" as a couple. Very few things in life that are worthwhile are easy to obtain. Marriage takes some work and commitment. Just as maturing as a Christian and modeling Our Lord is not something that comes instantaneously after conversion, there are trials and struggles that build and strengthen our Walk (see Paul's writings in this regard). So it is with marriage.
But, I would also agree that how the couple act individually makes it harder to stay together. Others have given great analogies to this regard.
I think that it is a disservice to say that marriage isn't hard. I think that it is simplistic to say that active behavior to destroy the marriage is the sole reason that makes marriage hard. I really think that being human and struggling against the implications/ramifications of the Fall make marriage hard. But the upside is that it is doable and we can thrive in marriage (contrary to the common perspective presented in popular media), as we become more closely representative of Our Lord through daily spiritual discipline and actively living in the Spirit.
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RE: A question about marriage - 9/29/2008 1:18:30 PM
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HisCovenant
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quote:
ORIGINAL: divorcingmyself
I guess that I wouldn't use the term "botch" it up. That implies that there is active desire to destroy a marriage. Few (there are those) get married with the intent that if things don't go their own way, they will divorce.
I agree that very, very, very few plan on divorce (as in almost none,) even those who think it's an option if things don't work out on whatever level- even those who readily accept unbiblical divorce.
I don't think, though, that "botch" necessarily implies that the botch was intentional or that the consequences were wanted. It simply implies that the consequence can be directly traced back to a culprit... at least, that's how I used it. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the botcher usually refuses to take the blame, either because they don't (or won't) see the direct consequences of their actions or because they don't want to deal with the root of the problem. They don't intend to cause such hard consequences, but they aren't interested enough to prevent them. Obviously, that's not true in all cases... some learn from their mistakes and repent. But in what I have seen (very limited, I admit) it's those refusing to admit that direct connection between behavior and consequences exists and refusing to deal with the bad behavior or those married to them who believe marriage (itself) is so hard. When you have two people in a marriage admitting that connection and allowing themselves to be matured and disciplined through their botches, marriage isn't much of a struggle. It becomes a struggle against yourself and Satan, not a struggle against your spouse.
_____________________________
-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: A question about marriage - 9/29/2008 2:18:14 PM
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becerra146
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Joined: 9/29/2008
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My Fiance and I are choosing to get married threw Civil Marriage in October cause my brother will be going overseas in January. We will still get married threw the Church in December. Will God still bless our Marriage?
Please advice if you have any experience in this or if you just want to help.
Thank you and God Bless!
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RE: A question about marriage - 9/29/2008 8:44:06 PM
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MC4JC
Posts: 201
Joined: 7/6/2008
From: Minnesota
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Marriage takes work every day. You will go thru good and bad times. Its how you deal with the bad together that will determine how good and strong your marriage is.
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RE: A question about marriage - 9/29/2008 11:56:33 PM
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laughinggirl
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From: Dallas, TX
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I married in my 30's for the first (and only) time. I can honestly say that being married is 100000x better and easier than living life on my own. I have never been happier. We are both so thankful to be married; we treat each other with respect and purposeful thoughtfulness every day.
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Bethany's Blog
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RE: A question about marriage - 9/30/2008 7:25:05 AM
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DaveW
Posts: 4158
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
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quote:
ORIGINAL: becerra146
My Fiance and I are choosing to get married threw Civil Marriage in October cause my brother will be going overseas in January. We will still get married threw the Church in December. Will God still bless our Marriage?
Please advice if you have any experience in this or if you just want to help. This is actually quite common in Messianic circles. The orthodox leadership in Israel is very leery of messianics who they see as traitors to Judiasm and if they see a marriage being done by a synagogue called something like Beth Messiah or Beth Yeshua, with obvious references to Jesus, they deny citizenship and immigration rights. The civil union occurs before the 'church' wedding and it is understood that the REAL wedding is the latter.
Of course God will bless your marriage.
_____________________________
Avatar is Saphira 5 months and Louvena at 23 months!
We are now grandparents TWICE!!
====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: A question about marriage - 9/30/2008 7:32:03 AM
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DaveW
Posts: 4158
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
Is it marriage that is hard, or is it the way some people botch it up that makes it hard? Anyone can and will "botch" up the relationship if they do not work (hard sometimes) on the relationship.
The Captain and Tenille had a song "Love will keep us together" and that seems to be the cultural approach. Love is defined as a gushy emotional feeling.
Now they are bringing in compatibility. So if you feel in love and are "compatible," you can have this relationship last with no work on your part.
WRONG.
All relationships take work, the closer they are the more work they require.
_____________________________
Avatar is Saphira 5 months and Louvena at 23 months!
We are now grandparents TWICE!!
====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: A question about marriage - 10/3/2008 11:32:33 AM
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tn1
Posts: 167
Joined: 9/22/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
Is it marriage that is hard, or is it the way some people botch it up that makes it hard?
Marriage is work. And work can be laborious if selfishly motivated or it can be joyful if motivated out of self-sacrificial love.
There are many factors that are set against us having healthy marriages, not the least of which is the Western culture's emphasis on materialism, independance, and the politically correct mantra of "tolerance".
It takes work, a lot of work, to swim against the prevailing currents of our cultures. And of course, these are just some of the factors working against us having healthy marriages.
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RE: A question about marriage - 10/3/2008 4:13:04 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2916
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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I have not found marriage to be hard work. Recognizing and repenting of my own selfishness and desire to control, however, is very hard work. Fortunately, I am married to a man who fights against his own selfishness and desire to control.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: A question about marriage - 10/4/2008 1:04:00 PM
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poohgirl222
Posts: 25
Joined: 10/4/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: becerra146
My Fiance and I are choosing to get married threw Civil Marriage in October cause my brother will be going overseas in January. We will still get married threw the Church in December. Will God still bless our Marriage?
Please advice if you have any experience in this or if you just want to help.
Thank you and God Bless!
Yes, if you keep God in it he will bless your marriage.
That doesn't mean challenges won't come your way what it means is God will see you through them.
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RE: A question about marriage - 10/9/2008 6:45:53 PM
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ladytlowe
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Joined: 10/9/2008
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You have to plan for success rather that's in a career or marriage. Most marriage failure is do to a lack of planning. Planning is work. For some it maybe harder than others.
The key is making sure both have a personal relationship and like most of the other posters said, communicating!!! When it's good and when it's bad.
The other thing that helped me the 2nd time around, was making sure I was and felt complete in Jesus. If we are looking for our spouse to "fill" a space or to make us complete, we have missed what God intended for marriage.
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RE: A question about marriage - 10/9/2008 7:04:00 PM
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PrincessDonna
Posts: 10186
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Cow country, Upstate NY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Auben
Marriage is hard because we're sinful human beings
I agree.
_____________________________
He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him;
He hears their cry and saves them.
The Lord watches over all who love him,
but all the wicked He will destroy.
~Psalm 145:19-20~
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And I'm not trying to assume I would have it perfect or anything like that..but if it is absolutely guaranteed to be miserable no matter what, I say, why bother? 
my soldier! 
