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Blended Family - Parenting & Other Issues - 7/4/2008 12:36:21 PM
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terrie
Posts: 25
Status: offline
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Brief history - I have been married to wonderful divorced man for 4 & 1/2 years. He has two children from previous marriage, boy is 10, girl is 7. I have a son who is 11 and I was never married. My son has never met his biological father.
Hubby's son has recently started counseling. Step-Son(SS) has difficulties with being hyperactive, overly sensitive (gets very angry and cries a lot), and very immature for age. Step-daughter is not in counseling, but also has similar issues.
Hubby gets kids overnight 2 days/nights a week - Wednesday and Friday night. Kids go back to mom's around 4:00 on Saturdays.
I am at my wits end with step-kids. Both are very immature for ages. Both have no commom sense or ability to do anything for themselves. They are both very loud, hyperactive, emotional, disobey a lot, etc. They are starved for attention. I feel anymore that the life gets sucked out of me if I'm around them for too long. They want constant attention. Will act silly, immature, disobey, etc. whatever it takes to get attention. At their mom's house, there are 3 other kids living there. So, 5 kids under the same roof for majority of the time (step-father has custody). All children with some sort of issues/emtional problems. I feel like it is a losing battle. If you try to teach step-kids how to do something (even something as simple as getting a drink of water), next time they come back, they have forgotten what was taught. Step-kids' mother extremely controlling. Doesn't let kids do anything for themselves. Has to control everything the children do at all times.
Step son seeing counselor - during session that just included step-son and my hubby (sessions include either both parents and step-son or just one parent and step-son) - counselor took hubby aside. Told hubby that he needs to get custody of son. Counselor said there are many different ways to "parent" but what mother is doing is something entirely different/wrong/weird. Counselor said Mother is emotionally abusing son. Counselor tells hubby that if he doesn't get son away from mother, son WILL explode or implode. Counselor said she will tesify in court that mother is detriment to son's well-being. Turns out that originally step-son was brought to counselor because he was thought to have ADHD and was supposed to be evaluated by counselor and mother wanted him put on medication. But counselor thinks it's all anxiety and what his mother is doing to him. Mother has not been told any of this.
This was a revelation. We knew things were bad, but didn't know just how bad. But, this raises many more questions. If we try to get custody of step-son, then what about step-daughter? We fear if we try for step-son and win, then mother will move daughter away out of fear of losing control of her too. So, do we try for both kids? But, the counselor only has evaluated step-son, not step-daughter. Also, what if we lose? Mother will most likely be so angry that she will move son & daughter away for good. And, she will make life for hubby absolutely horrible. It already isn't good, but if someone who is a control freak finds out someone else is trying to take away their "life", they will not react well. Also we are worried about a nasty custody battle and what that might do to step-son and/or step-daughter. Since mother has kids majority of time, we know she will tell kids many horrible lies about hubby if we go for custody. (She already tells them many lies, but we know it will get worse).
This brings back into light all of us and our family. I am stressed-out. The step-kids have major emotional problems and I don't know how to deal with it all anymore. Most times I just try to hide from the kids anymore. I care about their well-being, but I don't know that I can handle it anymore emotionally being around them. My son also feels the same way. He said he is tired of the constant fighting (between step-son and step-daughter) and the constant range of emotions. One minute the kids are happy, next their sad & crying, next they are angry and try to hit people. My son has been hit numerous times by step-son. Step-kids are constantly yelling, being very hyper, talking baby-talk, etc. They don't know how to even think for themselves at all!! How do we deal with this? Would things get better eventually if both kids were with us majority of the time instead so that way mother wouldn't have majority of time to mess them back up???
Does anyone have any ideas or words of encouragement? I need lots of prayer please. I've always considered myself a patient person, but my patience has pretty much run out. And, I don't know how to get it back. I also feel very guilty. I love my hubby, but I feel so bad for getting my son in the middle of all this mess. But, divorce is not an option for me. I love my hubby and want to spend the rest of our lives together.
Please help!
_____________________________
Contentment is destroyed by comparison...
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RE: Blended Family - Parenting & Other Issues - 7/4/2008 6:29:26 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1019
Joined: 4/29/2005
Status: online
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Find an activity that happens on Wednesday evenings. Enroll your son and go with him. (Or drop him off, then think, it's not worth it to go all the way home, and spend the time until pick-up time at a nearby coffee shop or library.) Do the same thing on Saturday mornings, or take them all to (different) activities at that time. Or offer to fill some of their time at your house with their appointments or activities, so that they are not actually 'home'.
You could also set up a reasonable evening routine that involves some mandatory outdoor play time, some mandatory homework (or reading) time in specific (separate) locations, and then something like a renting a movie with popcorn etc. This would keep them from focusing on each other so much, and would also give you something to 'cancel' if their behavior is poor.
Make sure you husband knows that your son finds his step-sibs difficult to deal with, and needs some shelter from the chaos... They will get along better & build positive relationships if there is less time for frustration to build. But also make clear that you are on-side for full time parenting where you feel you-two can make a difference in their behaviour and all the kids will get along reasonably well under those circumstances.
Try to get the girl in to see the same counselor for at least a few sessions. Like one parent or the other comes to some sessions, so the sister might come to one or two, to talk about sibling issues? Then the counselor can testify that he has knowledge that both kids are being affected by their situation at their mom's. After this, remind your counselor that if he feels children are being emotionally abused, shouldn't he be reporting that to someone?
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