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Brother in law divorcing, I am having hard time - 7/8/2008 12:27:41 PM
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bucsfan0713
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Joined: 7/8/2008
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My brother in law (my husbands brother) is divorcing his 2nd wife after 5 years. They each had 2 children going into the marriage and they had my nephew after one yr of marriage (he is 4 now). My soon to be ex sister in law and I were friends before they got married. I am having such a hard time with the split up. I do not blame my BIL for leaving, they just could not get it together. But my SIL is really giving my BIL a hard time when it comes to visitation of my nephew. My SIL and I tried to remain friends but it has become increasingly difficult because of her actions ( I feel like she is using my nephew to get back at my BIL) She won't let my BIL take my nephew hardly at all, and when she does it becomes a huge fight first. I called her out on this fact this morning and she ended up hanging up on me. Before she hung she accused me of judging her.
I really think she has been wrong thru all of this. I told her I am sorry he left her, but she can't keep acting this way. I think our relationship is now over. I truly tried to keep it intact, but she is so angry at my BIL, I could not listen to her go on and on about him anymore.
How do I stop feeling guilty about calling her out on her behavior? I tried for the longest time to just talk to her about other things, like my nephew etc and not even bring up my BIL, but she kept bringing it up. I am so not a combative person and I guess I feel guilty I let her have it this morning.
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RE: Brother in law divorcing, I am having hard time - 7/8/2008 1:03:55 PM
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bucsfan0713
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Well thanks for taking the time to read this. I am sure with time things will be different. Please pray for all involved.
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RE: Brother in law divorcing, I am having hard time - 7/8/2008 2:25:55 PM
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ChoirDJ
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bucsfan0713...as difficult as it may be, it would probably be best to let them sort this out on their own. The more people involved the more likely the situation is to escalate out of control. In most other states the children have rights to frequent and continuing contact with both parents so that's a done deal unless he poses a danger to their safety in some way. But, this doesn't sound like the case based on your post.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: Brother in law divorcing, I am having hard time - 7/8/2008 3:29:47 PM
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jaimestarcross
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The matter is up to your BIL - he can petition the court for visitations since
he helped to raise/support the nephew just as much as his former wife.
Stay out of their battles - don't give your opinion - just say you'll be
praying for things to work out. Next time when it becomes too difficult listening
to her rip apart your BIL - end the phone conversation politely ... because we shouldn't be listening to that kind of talk anyway.... it's harmful to friendships!
Give her a chance to cool down - she's far too angry to have a sensible conversation at this point.
*Stop feeling guilty about what is done - she only wanted someone to be on her side to trash her husband - you let her know you weren't going to do that. The way you said it may have been at the wrong time or you may have said it in the wrong way... one never knows when you're dealing with an angry person.
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RE: Brother in law divorcing, I am having hard time - 7/8/2008 3:36:41 PM
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crankius
Posts: 4359
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quote:
Stay out of their battles
Agree. If someone tries to bring you in, tell them you are on your nephew's side.
It is very sad they aren't working hard to keep their marriage.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
He Himself is our peace! Ephesians 2:14:a
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RE: Brother in law divorcing, I am having hard time - 7/8/2008 5:44:19 PM
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preserved
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You Sister-In-Law is hurting thru all of this...So her son is the only person she has control over and she will use it...
I would personally stay out of it...as you can see now you have also became a victim...Let your Brother-In-Law handle his own battles..
Pray for her and give her some time to get herself together..Send her a card just letting her know that you are there and not trying to come in between.. and remind her at a later time that you desire not to discuss their former marital problems...talk about the son....
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RE: Brother in law divorcing, I am having hard time - 7/8/2008 7:00:37 PM
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buckifn
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Well you are judging her if you are telling her she is wrong. So what did you expect her to say? I agree with those who said stay out of it..period. tell her you can remain friends if she wants, but you refuse to hear or discuss any of her personal marital matters.
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RE: Brother in law divorcing, I am having hard time - 7/9/2008 10:40:29 AM
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bucsfan0713
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Thank you for all of your good advice. I will stay out of it and let them work out the divorce and custody. I don't think she will call me anymore anyway, she hung up on me when I spoke with her last time. She just needs to move on and take good care of my nephew.
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RE: Brother in law divorcing, I am having hard time - 7/10/2008 10:27:55 AM
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garsyt
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It's very tough when people you love simply don't love each other anymore.
My best friend and my hubbies best friend were married, we introduced them, stood up with them at their wedding and they at ours.
Then I found out through a third party that they were having problems and getting a divorce! I was extremely hurt!
Why didn't she come to me?
Why did she do what she did?
Why was he such a jerk?
Why were they going against God's word?
I made a BIG mistake tho that I seriously want you to avoid. My hubby and I wrote a letter to her telling her what a horrible example of a Christian she was. I lost my dear friend over this for many years and her father went to his grave without receiving an apology from me. We finally were able to reconnect and forgive each other but it was 5 years of not speaking and not knowing where each other was at all. I finally called her mother one day and found out that she was living just a few miles away from me!
Stay out of it! Please! You don't have to approve of what either one of them is doing but that's between them and God. Thankfully my friend did not have children at that point. Be there for that little boy, especially as he grows up, BIL will have to deal with his ex on his own and through the courts.
Pray for all involved, but keep your mouth shut.
Blessings,
Garsy
_____________________________
My Blog: www.moredayslikethisplease.wordpress.com
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RE: Brother in law divorcing, I am having hard time - 7/12/2008 12:55:07 PM
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howardruns
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Please explain something to me.
I understand that you should give a person space and not try to impose on them or run their life.
However are some of you advocating that when a close friend, someone that you love and care about is going through a major crisis, you should just play dumb and pretend that the issue does not exist when you talk to them for the sake of keeping the peace?
If your friend is doing something wrong (at any time -- during a crisis or not), should one keep one's lips sealed? I think not.
I think that the Bible gives principles to the contrary.
Howard
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RE: Brother in law divorcing, I am having hard time - 7/12/2008 1:29:51 PM
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crankius
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quote:
ORIGINAL: howardruns
Please explain something to me.
I understand that you should give a person space and not try to impose on them or run their life.
However are some of you advocating that when a close friend, someone that you love and care about is going through a major crisis, you should just play dumb and pretend that the issue does not exist when you talk to them for the sake of keeping the peace?
If your friend is doing something wrong (at any time -- during a crisis or not), should one keep one's lips sealed? I think not.
I think that the Bible gives principles to the contrary.
Howard
It would be good to tell both the friend and the BIL that they should get counseling and try keep their covenant, and to encourage them to be good parents to their son.
It would not be good to allow the friend to rant about the BIL behind his back, or to allow the BIL to rant about the friend behind her back.
Nobody is saying to "play dumb".
Proverbs 26:17 He who passes by and meddles in a quarrel not his own Is like one who takes a dog by the ears.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
He Himself is our peace! Ephesians 2:14:a
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RE: Brother in law divorcing, I am having hard time - 7/12/2008 1:36:40 PM
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Dakotasunbeam
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Joined: 6/2/2005
From: Midwest USA
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I agree with Howard. As believers we are SUPPOSED to confront each other. THAT IS LOVE. Allowing someone to go on in their way without telling them is WRONG. And God will hold US accountable because we knew and said nothing. Remember the Pharasee? He asked, "Am I my brothers keeper?" Wow, when the body of Christ says the same thing, I feel we are in danger of falling into the same role as the Pharaisee of Jesus Christ's day.
It is NOT judging to tell someone the truth. You don't have to be mean about it, but you SHOULD give them the truth. WE are lights in a dark world and the salt. If we have lost our savor, what good are we? If we put our candle under a bushel, what is the point of being a Christian?
We cannot MAKE anyone do ANYTHING. But we can tell them the truth. That is essentially what Jesus Christ did. He told people the truth. And the pharisees and hypocrits went about asking, "Am I my brother's keeper?" Where is the exhortation, the encouragement, the warning, the rebuke, the love, the long-suffering?
I personally, do not believe in divorce as it is a provision under the OT law which Jesus Christ addressed. I believe in first spouses being covenant spouses and all of the following spouses are simply adulterous relationships sanctioned by the government. Look into the Bible to see what God has to say about this. But I do believe, no matter what the marital status of each of these individuals, that they are fair and kind to each other and consider the well-being of the child. The Bible teaches us NOT to be selfish, and NOT to reward evil with evil. So, if your sister and law believes she has been wronged, she should NOT be striking back using her son or anything as a way to get back at your BIL. Again, if she is under the OT law, then the "Eye for an eye" thing still exists. But if she is a Christian saved by grace, the only thing she owes him is to forgive him and to love him as a brother in Christ. Two very hard things to do. But essential to our walk with Him.
Stand up for what is right. With love, grace, and truth.
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