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Child, 12 Wants To Test Great Auntie's Limits - 7/21/2008 2:07:33 AM
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gaylel1
Posts: 1413
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Southern California, the land of Fruit and nuts...
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Let me give you the backround of this here....
My soon to be 12-year-old great nephew, whose my sister has custody because of a child abuse situation involving his father (His father, who is my nephew has a restaning order and his visits must be supervised because of the father having anger management issues) want to test my limits. Every time I tell him something which is right, he tends to talk smart to me instead of listening to me. But at the same time, he wants someone to buy him something or go someplace and who spends the money on him? myself of course because I do this out of love. I also take him to church (he says he's a professed Christian) but at times I don't want to take him to church because of his smart mouth.
I think the reason why he's acting out is because his father abused him and his birth mother abandoned him. And when he talks like that, I think there are unresolved issues with both parents and he takes his frustrations on me.
Should I suggest that the grandmother, which is my sister and myself take him to counseling? I believe it would be the best out because there is some unresolved things that he needs to deal with.
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Visit me at http:www.gayleplace.blogspot.com or http://www.myspace.com/gaylel121
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RE: Child, 12 Wants To Test Great Auntie's Limits - 7/21/2008 10:05:50 AM
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Jenny-Fair
Posts: 6959
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: WA
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Ok, my tongue-in-cheek suggestion is to quit visiting him until he turns 13, lol. I don't know what it is about 12, but for some reason I thought my firstborn was unique until both my sister and my second-born turned 12 and THEY got mouthy and bratty, too! After three of them, I am convinced it's the age. Sister turned 13 three weeks ago and Nate will turn 13 in October...if he lives that long, lol, but I can hardly wait.
I think counseling could certainly be helpful. Would your sister agree? Is it necessary that he keep seeing his father? Does he want to?
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RE: Child, 12 Wants To Test Great Auntie's Limits - 7/21/2008 11:21:25 AM
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Auben
Posts: 1637
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Where pines tower and cranberries float
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Twelve can be a mouthy age. It's a leap in terms of memory and mental capacity from the rest of childhood without the additional experience and maturity to hold back. Plus I'm sure it feels good to hold your own with others (or be 'right') when there are so many other things you can't control in your life.
However, my grandmother...a very kind and giving women like yourself...had a way of dealing with this.
'I like being with you,' she'd say, 'but you are sassing me and showing me disrespect. If you can't treat me respectfully you can go home. I'll miss you but I'm too old to deal with that stuff. I'll miss the fun we have.'
All of us knew a good thing and we'd all jump back in line so fast our heads would be spinning. She never had to raise her voice but we all knew she meant it.
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~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
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RE: Child, 12 Wants To Test Great Auntie's Limits - 7/21/2008 11:45:23 AM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1086
Joined: 4/29/2005
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Kids always test limits. The question is which limits do you want to bother enforcing, and how.
A "smart mouth" can indicate a smart child... and a smart child can learn the social conventions for showing respect to older individuals, if someone bothers to teach him.
However, I also wonder what things you are trying to say to him and why he should listen to you. The situation is confusing, but I'm not understanding what (if any) authority you have over this boy. (If you have something, like you live with him or something, please disregard the remainder.) You seem to have quite a distant related-ness to him for you to expect to have the influence or authority of a parent-ish role.
If the boy's attitude is trying to tell you that he doesn't think you have the right to boss him around, you might stop and wonder whether he has a point there. (Not that it's OK for him to sass you, but maybe that he wouldn't sass you if you didn't presume too much in the first place.)
Kids in custodial tension get a lot of people acting like the have authority. One more great-auntie might just be too much. It's easier for kids to obey if they don't have to obey everybody that they see.
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