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Forgetting and trusting again - 8/20/2008 4:07:06 PM
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kimleah
Posts: 10
Joined: 3/6/2008
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I was on here several month ago with the problem of my husband who was almost arrested for public masturbation. It has been since Jan and we have not heard if charges will ensue or not. That is not really why I am here. I know it is a waiting game as they have up to a year.
My problem and my question is this: If time heals and makes things better then why isn't it? Why is it getting worse? I cannot go to the store where he did this. My friends can't even go to a chain of this store without thinking aobut it. I have forgiven him, but I don't trust him. I caught him paying internet "ladies of the night" and married him anyway, thinking God had healed him and that he had accepted the healing. Then I was told that when we were first dating he denied me. He led people to believe that I was "chasing" him and that we were not dating, (he came to my home nearly every night) and now this.
I really, cannot forget this, I have tried. I don't know what to do. I have told him how I feel and he is still here. I don't get it. He went to counseling after the masturbation but I don't know if it was because he got caught and the polilce are involved, if he really wanted the help, or if it was because I told him to go to counseling or else he can go back to mommy and daddy. After only 4 visits he stopped. Supposedly the counselor told him that years of porn and masturbation are healed and hubby says I am to just forget it and move on. I am so confused and I don't want to displease God, does God really want me to be this unhappy, scared, and suspisious?
I have been trying to do the noble thing but I dont' know how much longer I can.
KL
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RE: Forgetting and trusting again - 8/20/2008 4:28:25 PM
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Lycea
Posts: 148
Joined: 6/18/2007
From: Kansas
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Honey, 4 visits with any counselor is not enough to come to a complete understanding of his issues, let alone receive complete healing from a clinical perspective. I have to tell you that my father and his brothers all struggle with porn because it was introduced to them by their father. More than one of his siblings has moved passed the porn to actual physical affairs, and one has been arrested and convicted in an internet sting of soliciting sex from a minor. I only tell you this because you have got to take this issue seriously!!!!
If he was only struggling with porn, it would be one thing, but he has taken it outside of his heart and mind and moved to public masturbation!
This is not something that changes overnight.
I am not telling you not to forgive him. You need to forgive him. But you also need to know what forgiveness means. The best analogy I know for situations like this goes like this:
If you had a bank loan and were unable to pay it back and you defaulted on the loan, the bank could choose to forgive your loan, but you can be sure they would not give you another loan until your credit score showed some pretty big improvements.
You can forgive your husband of the debt he can't repay. He can never go back and change the past, it is beyond his power. He can never make it up to you, he can never erase the hurt this has caused you. You can cancel the debt by telling yourself and him that he does not owe you anything for the past wrongs. BUT that does not mean that you should give him another loan of your confidence, trust, emotional/physical intimacy until he has shown that he is trustworthy.
I don't know if you can talk to his counselor to determine if he still needs to go, sometimes that is not possible. If not, I would ask my husband to see his counselor together to talk through the challenges that you both face because of his issues. In fact, as a covenant wife, I would demand it. You are his wife. He is commanded in scripture to cherish you and to sacrifice himself for you in love. It is not beyond your rights as a spouse to insist that you seek counseling together.
God wants healing in your life. You are his precious daughter, and just try to picture the God of the universe holding back his anger at your spouse for betraying you in this way! To gain healing, you need to forgive, you need to seek counseling for both yourself and your husband, and you need to see that he has indeed made changes in his life before you put yourself out there again. I would never counsel someone to divorce, but if he refuses couple counseling with the same counselor he was seeing before, I would recommend separation for a time until he is ready to be a husband.
Hang in there, sister, I will pray for you!
_____________________________
It all boils down to this: Love God, Love Each Other.
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RE: Forgetting and trusting again - 8/20/2008 10:18:42 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1944
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Oh, wow, Kimleah. We have hedges around our lives to keep us from inappropriate behavior, especially sexual, and this guy showed his hedges were completely down. He's got big problems, but I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.
I wouldn insist on him returning to counseling with someone who is good at sexual disorders. Any type of sexual thrill that doesn't come from one's mate is adultery, as I understand it. If he doesn't want to deal with it, he will probably continue to escalate inappropriate behavior (who was he showing off to? Was he trying to scare them? Were children involved?).
You need to have that counselor tell you what the deal is, what your husband is dealing with, and what the prognosis is. Can you stay married to a man who acts out sexually in public (and could well go to prison for it, lose his house, etc.)?
I'm so sorry, Kimleah. This must be so difficult for you to deal with.
Lord Jesus, I lift Kimleah and her husband up to you. I ask that you heal this man and heal this marriage, and give Kimleah supernatural wisdom and comfort as she deals with this. Please cause healing to happen soon if it is Your will, and we will praise You however You deal with this. Please tell Kimleah what to do, and let her crawl into Your lap and find rest there.
I ask it in Jesus' name, and we'll be careful to give all the glory to You. Amen.
(((Hugs))), dear one. Keep trusting God and see what He will do. It will end well. (Rom. 8:28, 29)
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Forgetting and trusting again - 8/21/2008 12:09:19 AM
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Paymeister
Posts: 27
Joined: 10/13/2007
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quote:
...Supposedly the counselor told him that years of porn and masturbation are healed and hubby says I am to just forget it and move on. I am so confused and I don't want to displease God, does God really want me to be this unhappy, scared, and suspicious?
Sounds like hubby is a liar as well.
Bravo on not wanting to displease God! That's wonderful! Many would be cursing Him at this point.
Difficult to answer you on what God wants. There are several possbilities that come to mind - please understand that I'm listing ALL of the possibilities without trying to push one or the other, and I certainly don't want to beat you up or make your life worse. Please stick with me through the rest of the post:
- He may be letting you reap the consequences of a poor choice in marrying the guy, bringing Himself glory as actions-have-consequences is played out;
- He may be letting you suffer to make your husband's punishment the worse / his lesson more effective when he comes to his senses (I know that was for me and finances, and how it affected my wife and daughter);
- He may be letting you suffer to make your husband's punishment the worse when he comes to judgement (that sin might be exceedingly sinful);
- He may be knocking off rough edges in you: if you're responding in the flesh and in a tailspin, it may be what it takes for you to use God's tools instead of your own in dealing with this (see below);
- He may use your discomfort to get you to put your foot down (or, better, get your elders/pastor/etc to put their foot down) and force your husband to paint or get off the ladder;
- He may be allowing this strife so you folks BOTH get into counseling together before worse happens in your husband's life;
- He may want you to gut your way through this for no other reason than continued trusting in Him brings him glory;
- He may be planning a 'happy ever after' that (in light of your current suffering) brings Him great glory (think of the man born blind); or
- He has something else up His sleeve that I can't even imagine.
Bottom line? Our job is to do the next five minutes well, rather than to figure out the bigger picture (note that in every one of these situations God is still in control, knows what He is doing, and is working it out for His purposes (see Romans 8:28-9). Our job is to do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God (Micah 6:8).
Do justice: your husband needs to hold to his covenant with you. If he's going to play games with his promises, especially sexually, he is on very shaky ground. Are you part of a church which will hold his feet to the fire? I would strongly encourage you to plug into one right away if you aren't. Is he a Christian? If so, haul his little backside before the elders for sexual misconduct and lying. Pay the counselor to attend such a meeting as well, and you can all do the 'you hold him and I'll hit him' routine. See what they recommend about you kicking him out for a time (the marriage equivalent of excommunication, in hopes of restoration later). If he's not a Christian, he should probably be offered the option of cleaning his act up under decent supervision, or moving out. Christian or not, this may be or may become a divorce issue, but that decision should rest with your elders (see the Westminster Confession of Faith's section on marriage and divorce - it's not Scripture, but it is a very well-thought-through commentary). You're too close to the situation to think clearly (no criticism - you've been badly treated - but that's the recommendation of the Westminster folks based on Scripture, and I respect them).
Love mercy: if your husband shows humility before God as manifested in his humility before the church elders/pastor/counselor and evidenced by good behavior for a significant period of time, be willing to "not charge it to his account" (=forgiveness). Sure, it's going to be hard to forget: regarding the store, either deal with your feelings (see below) or move. Why not? Your marriage is more important than your address. Friends' responses? If husband is on the mend, tell them to shut up about it, and turn their thoughts into goads for prayer: he'll need all he can get. But tell them that you've forgiven him and would appreciate them keeping their peace about it. If he's not on the mend, ask them to bring it up to him rather than you and ask why he hasn't dealt with it yet. Ask them to be praying for you both, of course.
Walk humbly with God: recognize that ALL of life is conducted IN THE MIDST OF SPIRITUAL WARFARE. I started out in a rather emotions-based church, and they did a lot of talking about being opressed by the devil. Now, I think I'm right in saying that the devil is unlikely to be involved in my life at all, not because he doesn't exist, but rather because I'm perfectly capable of messing up all by myself. The issue is the flesh versus the Spirit: if you try to gut this out on your own, or analyze the issue to death in hopes of healing, forget it. You're playing on the wrong field / your ladder is against the wrong wall. Instead, call it what it is: spiritual battle. Take those thoughts captive (II Cor 10:5) by turning them into prayers: "Yup, just remembered my husband's sin again. God, please heal my husband and turn my thoughts into trust in You." And then spend the next half-hour reciting how God is indeed trustworthy, and even though this hurts and is difficult to deal with, you'll trust God to bring Himself glory through it. Admit to Him that you're at a loss as to how to deal with this, and you want His help in how to change. And by "change" I mean you would be willing for God to teach you a completely new way of approaching the problem rather than merely helping you get higher up on the ladder that's against the wrong wall. One of the changes I could imagine would be to (brace yourself) be grateful for what happened.
Sitck with me a little longer: IF God is sovereign and works all things together for good to those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose (Rom 8:28-9), and if He withholds no good thing (Ps 84:11), then 1) what you got was delivered to you by God for His good purposes, and 2) if there was something better He could have given you instead of this, He would have given that to you instead. In fact, what you got was EXACTLY what you would ask for if you could see the whole picture as God sees it and if you had God's wisdom. Sure, it hurts like crazy now (and his actions were truly sinful, evil and hurtful, and you didn't deserve that treatment a bit), but God is in the business of building character in you and in others you meet. In fact, your whole episode might have happened so that a hundred others in similar situations could be encouraged by the responses on this thread. How's that for crazy? Don't put it past God to do something like that! (Note: to be honest, I think His purposes are more likely to deal with building character in husband and you rather than your going through this so your guts get posted here on the net... but I'm trying to illustrate that God plays a VERY DEEP game.)
So... how does one do the next five minutes well? Again, call it straight: you are in the midst of spiritual warfare, and the flesh and the devil fight dirty, and it never lets up. Use your best weapons against them: Faith, Scripture and prayer. Voice your trust in God, and wade into battle! Your weapons are not of flesh and blood, but are powerful for the tearing down of strongholds like the anger/hurt you feel. And recognize that God is up to His business, and we MAY learn of it later (as our poverty brought on by my sin built great character into our daughter and busted off many rough edges in all three of us), or we may NEVER learn of what He was up to: Job never did learn of the courts of heaven discussions between God and the devil... yet God was glorified in the process. Trust that YOUR good fight will bring God glory!
May God bless you in your fight. I'll certainly be praying for you and your husband.
< Message edited by Paymeister -- 8/21/2008 12:17:50 AM >
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RE: Forgetting and trusting again - 8/24/2008 12:32:58 AM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 1968
Joined: 6/4/2008
From: One of the coldest places on Earth
Status: online
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quote:
I would insist on him returning to counseling with someone who is good at sexual disorders. Any type of sexual thrill that doesn't come from one's mate is adultery, as I understand it. If he doesn't want to deal with it, he will probably continue to escalate inappropriate behavior (who was he showing off to? Was he trying to scare them? Were children involved?).
You need to have that counselor tell you what the deal is, what your husband is dealing with, and what the prognosis is. Can you stay married to a man who acts out sexually in public (and could well go to prison for it, lose his house, etc.)?
I think deermousie summed up my opinions quite well, here. You may need to convince your husband to go back into some kind of counseling regarding these sexual issues of his, especially if you discover that he is once again looking at pornographic materials. If they go unchecked, its quite possible that he could end up going to jail for indecent exposure, or worse. If he continues to refuse to go to counseling, I would be willing to suggest that you move out and separate from him for a while until he sees the gravity of this situation. I know that might seem harsh, but considering how serious this is and could become, you might have to pull out all the stops if he won't get help for himself.
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RE: Forgetting and trusting again - 8/24/2008 6:25:34 AM
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kimleah
Posts: 10
Joined: 3/6/2008
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I am getting some great advice here. I want to thank you all for your support. I know that right now my heart is not in this situation anymore. I have a 17 year old daughter (from previous marriage). Hubby is a coach of children. I am keeping this secret from many people and it is very difficult. I can't even look at him hardly anymore. We talked more about couseling yesterday and he basically informed me that my faith isn't strong enough because I don't believe that he was "healed" so instantly as he claims. He tries to portray himslef as the victim of his own mind. He doesn't even beleive that the devil has been throwing this at him for years, way before he met me. I didn't sign on for this, I can't be his savior. I am not his answer. I feel that God did use me to bring out the truth but now, I am expected to hide it. I know it happened in Janurary but until a year has passed I understand that they can still press charges. This punishes me not him!! He doesn't even give this a second thought. I go to the mailbox every day wondering "is this the day?" I don't think it's fair of him to expect me to keep this up.
I feel confused and lost. But one thing is for sure and that is the fact that my love for Jesus will NEVER die, no matter what happens.
KL
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RE: Forgetting and trusting again - 8/24/2008 2:07:23 PM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 1968
Joined: 6/4/2008
From: One of the coldest places on Earth
Status: online
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OK. Just a few points from my perspective:
1) First off, you CAN'T be expected to be responsible for your husband's behavior. All you can do is encourage him to change it.
2) I can see where your husband is discouraged by your so-called lack of faith in his "being healed," but I definitely can also see why you are very suspicous of it. Don't let him get to you. Like other people who have replied to you, I also feel that having only gone to 4 counseling sessions regarding his sexual issues (especially considering what he did) doesn't seem like very much and makes me wonder just how "cured" he really is. Some of what you've said suggests to me that he might be in denial that he has a problem.
I would say to approach this with caution. Its hard to trust someone again, but you do have to give him a chance, eventually. I think that it is best to lay off suggesting that he return to thearapy for a while, but monitor some aspects of your life to make sure that he isn't falling back into his problems with pornography which obviously contributed to his current situation. Keep tabs of things like your internet records to see what kind of sites he's logging onto, or your cable bill to see if he's ordering anything sexual. If he is, calmly confront him on it, and don't be afraid (at that time) to re-start suggesting that he seek counseling. If it helps, offer to go to a counselor with him, either for your own benefit or as support for him. Chances are that it would do you BOTH some good, considering the stress that this has put your family through.
3) Its not a bad thing that you're trying to keep your husband's "incident" out of the public. This is a private matter, and nobody else needs to know about it. My commendation for your efforts. Still, if your husband starts falling back into his old ways and starts running the risk of doing what he did again, I would suggest that you tell him that you're not going to stick your neck out for him, again. He has to be willing to take responsibility for what he's done, and that includes getting treatment for it if necessary and continuing to resist the temptation to slip back into old habits.
Your husband coaches children. If he gets caught masturbating in public or something else of that nature and gets listed as a sex offender, he could lose his job. This makes it all the more crucial that, should he start reverting back to his old ways, you should be ready to pull out all the stops to make him see that he needs to seek treatment. And if that means going as far as separating from him for a while to make him see how this is affecting you and the rest of the family, then so be it.
4) Pray. God is always with you, and He can work miracles. Never lose your faith in Him!
I'll be keeping you in my prayers. I pray that God will help you and your husband mend the divide between you that this has caused. I pray that God heals the wounds that this has left in both of your hearts. And I pray that the Lord also helps your husband to maintain himself and defeat any unnatural sexual urges that are affecting him, and to control himself in a proper manner. I ask all of this in the name of our Savior, Jesus Christ.
Amen.
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RE: Forgetting and trusting again - 8/24/2008 2:27:35 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6175
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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kimleah
The usual "progression" of sex offenders is that they start off by making dirty phone calls or being "peeping toms", progress to flashing either directly to someone or somewhere where they might be seen, and then move on to some kind of actual sexual offence against another person.
In order to be "cured" from his problem, it would likely take more than 4 months of counselling. Was this counsellor a trained professional specialising in sexual issues? I'd find it very strange if any professional worth their mettle would consider their job done in 4 months for something as potentially serious as this. Your husband is likely to have some deep-seated issues from his past that would need bringing to the surface in a counselling environment, and worked through, in order for him to be able to truly be able to move on. It could well be linked to something in his childhood that was sexually inappropriate - either something he saw, or something that was done to him or that he was coerced into doing. Or it could be that he was raised in an environment where sex was considered dirty and not to be spoken about, resulting in a lot of shame for him, which he then repressed, which made it even worse.
Whilst healing is of course possible here, it takes time, and IMO it needs specialist counselling. With something like this IMO it's not enough to say "ok it's wrong, so just repent and don't do it again".
Unless his counsellor dealt with his issues at root level - ie where the problem originated from - then IMO it is possible that it isn't gone, just covered up. That may also be why you are uneasy.
< Message edited by manda59 -- 8/24/2008 4:00:25 PM >
_____________________________
"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
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RE: Forgetting and trusting again - 8/24/2008 4:21:45 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 628
Joined: 7/13/2007
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quote:
Manda:
kimleah
The usual "progression" of sex offenders is that they start off by making dirty phone calls or being "peeping toms", progress to flashing either directly to someone or somewhere where they might be seen, and then move on to some kind of actual sexual offence against another person.
That's exactly what I'd be worried about in this situation. If there were any children involved (i.e. he did it in front of anyone under the age of 18) I'd be extremely concerned. In fact, I'd more than likely just leave and not even give it a second chance because if children were involved it takes the incident to a whole different level, kwim? Not that it isn't bad enough as it is.
It just bothers me that this man is coaching children and is acting out in a sexually deviant manner which involves other people.
Kimleah, how long have you been married? Do you know for sure that this is his first offense? Is there any possibility that something like this has happened before and school officials simply didn't contact law enforcment but just fired him quietly? (I've heard this happens more often than you'd think.)
I agree with the rest of Manda's advice too, btw.
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RE: Forgetting and trusting again - 8/24/2008 4:57:23 PM
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creationtalk
Posts: 704
Joined: 6/9/2005
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quote:
4 months of counselling. Was this counsellor a trained professional specialising in sexual issues? I'd find it very strange if any professional worth their mettle would consider their job done in 4 months for something as potentially serious as this.
Manda, she said it was only 4 VISITS
quote:
After only 4 visits he stopped. Supposedly the counselor told him that years of porn and masturbation are healed and hubby says I am to just forget it and move on.
visits are often on a weekly basis...I completely agree with you that it is HIGHLY unlikely that he is "healed" in this short a time. In fact,
kimleah,
If he were TRULY healed, he would not be asking you to instantly trust him. He would be saying with a contrite spirit: "God has healed me of this sin. I know that it will take time for you to be able to believe this, so I'm going to show you through my behavior, how ever long it takes, that I am healed and it will be different from now on."
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RE: Forgetting and trusting again - 8/24/2008 5:32:49 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6175
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: creationtalk
Manda, she said it was only 4 VISITS
Thanks for pointing that out, my mistake - that is even WORSE.
I'm a trained counsellor (though have never practised), and I know that the first 2 or 3 visits are usually "get to know the client" and "begin to identify the issues". I cannot see how something as serious as this could be fully addressed in just 4 sessions.
I can't help wondering if perhaps this counsellor wasn't a trained qualified counsellor at all, but just a church person doing "pastoral work".
_____________________________
"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
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RE: Forgetting and trusting again - 8/24/2008 7:01:56 PM
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kimleah
Posts: 10
Joined: 3/6/2008
Status: offline
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His first visit was for an hour and a half (the get to know you visit) then the other three were every other week and only for an hour. He claims that she gave him tips on what to do when one of the "triggers" comes up in his mind that makes him wan to do that.
He won't go to counseling any more. He still insists that he doesn't need it. I do need to clarify that he doesn't coach in a school, this is a local team that he coaches.
I wish he would take the burden of knowing what is the right thing to do off of my shoulders and place it on his own because I feel that he needs to do the right thing. Church was hard today. He is still acting as if he is the victim here. Sure he was praying hard and sat with his hands in his head throughout much of worship but I still gotta wonder how much of that was for my benefit. It bothers me that he is acting like the victim, according to the police report there is woman out there that says SHE is the victim.
KL
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RE: Forgetting and trusting again - 8/24/2008 7:37:34 PM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 1968
Joined: 6/4/2008
From: One of the coldest places on Earth
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: kimleah
He won't go to counseling any more. He still insists that he doesn't need it. I do need to clarify that he doesn't coach in a school, this is a local team that he coaches.
KL
It doesn't matter if he coaches in a school or anywhere else, he is working in the public with children. If he gets labeled as a sex offender, I would say that there is a very good chance that he won't be working with young people again in any capacity. Parents would probably be very wary of putting their kid into a situation where the authority figure is a sexual deviant (I'm a father, and I know I would be). Furthermore, there is the possibility that (if he were to be arrested for doing this, again) that the local media might catch wind of the story and this would lead to further embarrassment and hardships for the both of you. This NEEDS to be dealt with, and the more I read, the more convinced I am that he's not dealing with it properly.
quote:
ORIGINAL: kimleah
His first visit was for an hour and a half (the get to know you visit) then the other three were every other week and only for an hour. He claims that she gave him tips on what to do when one of the "triggers" comes up in his mind that makes him wan to do that.
Again, I'm with everyone else. While healing MIGHT be possible, after only four visits and only learning how to handle "triggers" (it doesn't sound like they ever got around to actually finding out what has brought about this problem for him and dealing with that), I feel that the chances are pretty good that he's not fully "healed" of this condition. Like i said before, I think he's in denial about how serious this could be.
Whether you want to continue to prod him into going back into therapy or not (after reading more, I now think that it WOULD be smart to try and convince him to seeing a therapist, again), I think it would be a very good idea to keep on eye on things and make sure that he's not slipping back into old habits. Watch your internet history, pay attention to cable bills in case he's ordering an adult PPV, if you stumble across any X-rated reading material, or seeing other signs of odd sexual behavior, you need to confront him on it, and then definitely start convincing him to go back to therapy.
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RE: Forgetting and trusting again - 8/24/2008 7:51:20 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6175
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: kimleah
His first visit was for an hour and a half (the get to know you visit) then the other three were every other week and only for an hour. He claims that she gave him tips on what to do when one of the "triggers" comes up in his mind that makes him wan to do that.
"SHE"???
He had a female counsellor to deal with a sexual deviancy issue?
Sorry, that is just not appropriate IMO. Is it really realistic to imagine a man opening up to a woman about his perversion, with her sat there? The Christian Counselling Practice where I was trained would have made sure he was assigned a male counsellor for this kind of problem.
And that's quite apart from 4 visits not being enough. With a problem like his, he would need several weekly sessions - every other week would just not be enough, there would not be sufficient support.
I even wonder if he is telling you the truth here. I wonder if he even told the counsellor what he actually did, or what he'd done in the past. It must be entirely possible that he just told her he had a masturbation problem, and didn't mention the "in public" bit.
Even if that is all he told her, it's still totally inappropriate for a woman to have been his counsellor for this.
kimleah, was this woman a trained qualified counsellor?
quote:
He won't go to counseling any more. He still insists that he doesn't need it.
Maybe you need to be thinking about insisting that he does.
quote:
I do need to clarify that he doesn't coach in a school, this is a local team that he coaches.
Boys, girls or a mixture of both? And what age?
quote:
It bothers me that he is acting like the victim, according to the police report there is woman out there that says SHE is the victim.
And it could just be a matter of time before there is another victim. He needs SPECIALISED help, and soon.
I'm sorry to say this, but even your daughter could be at risk. Is she ever at home alone with him?
You say you are keeping this a secret from many people - does your pastor know? You shouldn''t be having to keep this a secret IMO - you need support too.
_____________________________
"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
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RE: Forgetting and trusting again - 8/26/2008 8:38:36 AM
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dianetavegia
Posts: 2031
Joined: 8/23/2005
From: Southern Baptist, Non Calvinist, Pro Life Ga. girl
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: kimleah
Hubby is a coach of children. I am keeping this secret from many people and it is very difficult.
KL
kimleah, this really upsets me. How will you feel if he later harms a child, masturbates in front of a child?
I would notify the people he coaches for so that he is removed from this position immediately. I would also talk to my daughter before harm comes to her. If you can't do it, maybe a police officer would.
Please seek help from your minister. I'm very concerned about why you might have married such a 'sick' man.
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RE: Forgetting and trusting again - 8/26/2008 1:13:19 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 628
Joined: 7/13/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
kimleah, this really upsets me. How will you feel if he later harms a child, masturbates in front of a child?
I would notify the people he coaches for so that he is removed from this position immediately. I would also talk to my daughter before harm comes to her. If you can't do it, maybe a police officer would.
My thoughts exactly. This is different than a man who is in an affair or into porn. While those are terrible sins that destroy marriages it's different than victimizing an innocent woman who was not in agreement with the sexual act. What's next if he doesn't get better (and many, many sexual predators don't get better)???
I know that it would be incredibly difficult to inform his place of employment about what he did but if you don't and he harms a child then you will be partly responsible because you knew that he was a sexual predator but kept it a secret. Things like this should not be kept secret.
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RE: Forgetting and trusting again - 8/26/2008 1:36:37 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6175
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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Kimleah
Are you ok? I noticed that you've been logging in, and presumably reading, just not posting.
Praying for you.
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"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
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RE: Forgetting and trusting again - 8/26/2008 1:49:38 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: kimleah
Hubby is a coach of children. I am keeping this secret from many people and it is very difficult.
Wait, he wants you to keep secret what he did publically? Why didn't he keep it secret? (rhetorical question, you don't have to answer that)
It is possible that you could also get in trouble because you knew and didn't inform the authorities that the children are at risk. I think I'd tell your husband that if he doesn't tell the authorities about his problem in two days or so then you will, because it's your neck, too. Hey, he's the guy masturbating in public, and you didn't hold a gun to his head to make him do that. It was his choice. And it can hurt a lot of people, not just him.
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he basically informed me that my faith isn't strong enough because I don't believe that he was "healed" so instantly as he claims.
Our faith is in God, not sinful people. He's throwing dirt at you as fast as he can to confuse you and tie you up in knots.
quote:
He tries to portray himslef as the victim of his own mind.
Another lie. Has he given you "It's a disease so it's not my fault" yet?
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He doesn't even beleive that the devil has been throwing this at him for years, way before he met me.
He doesn't need the devil's help - he's got his own sinful flesh to do him in. Look at Romans 1, about the progression of sexual sin. God doesn't mention the devil once, but the people trip down the lane to destruction all by themselves.
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I didn't sign on for this
I think this is part of "for better or worse." I'm afraid you got worse. What does God want you to do? You are married to a guy that has gross sin in his life, and he's frantically trying to protect it. He is not trying to protect other people, his wife or his marriage. It doesn't bother him that his wife is tied up in knots and afraid. He's just like a drug addict.
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I can't be his savior. I am not his answer. I feel that God did use me to bring out the truth but now, I am expected to hide it.
True spoken. God only can be his savior, and the truth is not to be hidden and sin must be dealt with. He doesn't want to lose his sin, I'm guessing. You are telling the truth, and that's a threat to someone who is ducking and twisting to get away from it.
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I know it happened in Janurary but until a year has passed I understand that they can still press charges. This punishes me not him!! He doesn't even give this a second thought. I go to the mailbox every day wondering "is this the day?" I don't think it's fair of him to expect me to keep this up.
Decent people care; sinning people are lying to themselves and don't care. They have a wolftrap on their face and are pretending it's not there, and they can't get it off. Sinners love their wolftraps and protect them. He is not protecting you or your marriage or his livelihood.
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I feel confused and lost. But one thing is for sure and that is the fact that my love for Jesus will NEVER die, no matter what happens.
You are telling the truth and he isn't, and the disconnect between the lies and the truth is probably what's confusing you. You want to believe your husband and you don't want this to be happening. You'll have to divide up your thinking into two parts: God is right and your husband is wrong and lying up a storm. You can't believe your husband. He's trapped in his sin.
If this becomes a police matter (and for the kids' sake at least it should be) then he will be sent to counseling and will have to go, court ordered. If he goes to jail, loses his job and social standing, you didn't make him masturbate in public. Don't let him make it your fault.
He's a sick boy. He may or may not make it free of his wolftrap, but there are other people to be protected from his unrighteous drives. He is getting his sexual thrills from somewhere besides the marriage bed, and that's adultery.
I'm praying for you, dear heart. This is an awful place for you to be. God knows it, and He will be working through this situation so that the end is good for you. Hang in there and do what needs doing; you won't be the victim of God's first mistake. Read Rom. 8: 28 AND 29, and rejoice that the end will be good. Hang on to God in the hurricane of your life right now; only He is sure. I am praying for you today. (((Hugs))) Keep us up to date, OK? It will help many of us to remember to hold you up before the Father.
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Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Forgetting and trusting again - 8/26/2008 9:20:30 PM
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kimleah
Posts: 10
Joined: 3/6/2008
Status: offline
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Manda, I am fine thank you. Just to put some of your minds at ease, the police are involved. They know he is a coach, they have come to my home, they know there is a teenage girl here. The church is involved. The isssue that I am having is that I can't trust him and the minute he told me what he did, all love I once had for him was gone in an instant. I stayed because I didn't want to make him worse but now....I dunno. I guess there will always be people who will blame me like a couple on this thread, I should have been more specific. I am a good mom and would never harm my child.
Thank you all for your continues support. It is nice to know that I can come here and discuss this situation.
KL
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RE: Forgetting and trusting again - 8/26/2008 9:34:32 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6175
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: kimleah
The isssue that I am having is that I can't trust him and the minute he told me what he did, all love I once had for him was gone in an instant. I stayed because I didn't want to make him worse but now....I dunno. I guess there will always be people who will blame me like a couple on this thread, I should have been more specific. I am a good mom and would never harm my child.
kimleah, I am so glad you posted. 
I think your reaction is entirely understandable and perhaps God has placed that wariness there in order to protect you and your daughter, if only emotionally. You said you stayed because you didn't want to make him worse - is this something he has said to you? kimleah, you are not responsible for his behaviour, he is.
I haven't noticed anyone blaming you, just being anxious regarding your situation perhaps, in case you haven't grasped how potentially serious this really is.
Maybe you didn't see my question: is the counsellor trained and qualified?
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"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
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RE: Forgetting and trusting again - 8/26/2008 9:41:40 PM
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kimleah
Posts: 10
Joined: 3/6/2008
Status: offline
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Yes she is trained and liscensed (sp?). She is from our Church. I would love to speak with her but isn't that stuff confidential? I am really wondering if he told her the whole truth.
When it happened, I felt pressure from everyone even at church. In fact, I still feel the pressure. I think that is why I am on here. He never told me that it would make him worse if I left but it was implied. He blamed me for it in the police report by saying that we were not getting along.
KL
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RE: Forgetting and trusting again - 8/26/2008 9:52:28 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6175
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: kimleah
Yes she is trained and liscensed (sp?). She is from our Church.
That really doesn't sound at all right to me. How could he be honest with her, knowing that he is likely to see her every Sunday?
quote:
I would love to speak with her but isn't that stuff confidential? I am really wondering if he told her the whole truth.
What they discussed is confidential; I'm just wondering though if it would be worth you asking her if it's true that she believes 4 sessions was enough and that he is now cured of his problem. Even if she doesn't answer, you might be able to tell from her face. I would also suggest you ask her what counselling model she uses - anyone who is trained and qualified will have a model they work to. I am also wondering by whom she was trained.
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When it happened, I felt pressure from everyone even at church. In fact, I still feel the pressure.
What kind of pressure, pressure to do what?
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He never told me that it would make him worse if I left but it was implied. He blamed me for it in the police report by saying that we were not getting along.
That is terrible, and unfortunately a common sign of someone locked intp addictive behaviour - blaming someone else.
You are not to blame for what he did, and you are not responsible for what he does next.
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"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
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