|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
Forgiveness After Divorce - 8/7/2008 7:31:38 AM
|
|
|
bokwriter
Posts: 3
Joined: 8/7/2008
Status: offline
|
I'm interested in hearing personal stories about divorce. I come from the position that everyone benefits from establishing a healthy post-marriage relationship -- primarily the ex-spouses, but also the children and other family members and friends. I want to hear stories about your feelings regarding how divorce has impacted your life – be it as an ex-spouse, ex-in-law, step-child, etc. Were you drawn closer to God, or did you rebel?What incidents regarding the divorce process brought you to tears of sorrow; as well as tears of joy?
_____________________________
Robin
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Forgiveness After Divorce - 8/7/2008 10:19:23 AM
|
|
|
car2ner
Posts: 3031
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: just north of Florida
Status: online
|
The short of it, a long marriage of over two decades. Lots of ups and downs, etc. My ex and I are friendly. Neither of us is holding any grudges that I know of. He remarried and is living on the other side of the planet. I am blessed to be married to a fabulous man. Our young adult offspring can now see better role models for how two married folks should be treating each other.
_____________________________
http://www.car2ner.2ya.com
"May your days be long and your hardships few".
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Forgiveness After Divorce - 8/7/2008 10:55:36 AM
|
|
|
CheshireMuse
Posts: 101
Joined: 8/23/2007
Status: offline
|
My children's father and I divorced in 1996 after 10 years of marriage.
I agree with your position, as did my family. We realized that we would ALL be raising the children, so it was in everyone's best interest to cooperate. Unfortunately, my ex didn't agree.
He ruined me in the community and in my church with wild stories of illicit behavior on my part.... none of which was true. To be honest, I was so angry at the people in my church for believing it, that I refused to try to clear my name by telling them the truth. I was very active in that church - taught Sunday School, coordinated VBS, worked in the kitchen for the "Meals on Wheels" program. My ex went to church twice a year. Yet, they chose to believe his lies over what they could see with their own eyes.
I left the church altogether at that point. Decided that I wanted nothing at all to do with organized religion or God. I was so angry at Him for letting that happen to me.... I was angry because I had prayed for 3 years for my marriage to be healed... I had tolerated the worst sort of abuse, thinking all the while that if I just prayed more, or was more submissive that God would make things all better. When the abuse started spilling over onto the children, I left.
I spent the next 6 years hiding in anger and bitterness. Then, one day I was heading in to work, and I noticed the church across the street. I don't know why, but instead of going into my building, I walked into the church and sat down on the last pew. I'll never forget how cool and quiet it was in the sanctuary.
That was the first step of my return to God. It was also the first step toward my own healing.
I've remarried and my husband is a wonderful man. It hasn't been easy - especially facing my own mistakes. I've cried many tears over my sons, and how they were affected by the divorce, but even more over the way their father has treated them. Both boys (well, they're practically men now - 20 and 18) are respectful to their father, but only out of a sense of duty. Neither of them want much to do with him. I hate that it has to be that way.... but, I didn't ruin those relationships, my ex did.
On the flip-side of that, I've come to understand some things. Maybe not why the divorce happened, but I can see how God took something bad and turned it into something beautiful... I was completely broken in the divorce - no identity, no self-esteem, no place to hide.... I've literally been rebuilt from the ground-up.
I can see so many misconceptions I had about life, relationships, God.... Those things had to go in order for me to grow. Now, before anyone jumps me for implying that God ordained my divorce - thats NOT what I'm saying. The divorce happened and had nothing to do with God. But, in the devastation of that tsunami, other things were able to grow that wouldn't have been able to otherwise....
I thank God every day for being patient with me while I was wandering... I thank Him every day for His tenderness in guiding me back to where I needed to be.... I thank Him every day for my wonderful sons, my loving husband and also for sustaining me through the fire of that awful time.
Forgiveness is hard. It's especially hard when the person who has wronged you will never acknowledge it or ask for forgiveness. But it's vital to healing and moving on. I discovered (the hard way) that refusing to forgive only traps you in that one awful place. You can't grow, you can't heal, you can't move - It's like being caught in nightmare you can't wake up from.
I started trying to forgive my ex 4 years ago. I have good days and bad days, but I can tell I'm making progress because the mention of his name no longer makes me sick to my stomach (for real - I'm not exaggerating).
It's a process, I suppose...
_____________________________
Peace,
Muse
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Forgiveness After Divorce - 8/7/2008 12:26:53 PM
|
|
|
Sadey
Posts: 455
Joined: 7/25/2007
Status: offline
|
Chesmirmuse, what beautiful testimony. I was in tears and am so happy for you that God took all that dispair and torment and brought you through it.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Forgiveness After Divorce - 8/7/2008 1:25:55 PM
|
|
|
bokwriter
Posts: 3
Joined: 8/7/2008
Status: offline
|
that is the kind of story I was looking for, Muse ... you have such a way with words. And your honesty ... rigorous honesty ... is overwhelming. I find such healing when people have come from the bowels of Hell with God's grace. You were in a dark place but still found ways to praise our Father. You were open with your anger and honest with your feelings. I find it comforting when I, too, can share my anger with God. He has big shoulders ... he can take it. And he knows it all anyway. There is much healing there. You, my friend, are truly blessed. Thank you for writing such a wonderful posting.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Forgiveness After Divorce - 8/7/2008 2:42:17 PM
|
|
|
CheshireMuse
Posts: 101
Joined: 8/23/2007
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Sadey
Chesmirmuse, what beautiful testimony. I was in tears and am so happy for you that God took all that dispair and torment and brought you through it.
Thank you so much for your kind words.... Before all that happened, I believed that prayer had to be a certain way - lots of flowery language, alot of self-debasement, and that feeling any way but humble was wrong.
What I learned was that God is more interested in me sharing my whole heart - even the icky parts.
Little by little, I've learned that I can trust God with my anger, disappointment, frustration, and selfishness. I learned that He won't get mad at me for showing these things to Him, because He can't fix it, if I don't let Him have it.
_____________________________
Peace,
Muse
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Forgiveness After Divorce - 8/7/2008 2:44:16 PM
|
|
|
CheshireMuse
Posts: 101
Joined: 8/23/2007
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: bokwriter
that is the kind of story I was looking for, Muse ... you have such a way with words. And your honesty ... rigorous honesty ... is overwhelming. I find such healing when people have come from the bowels of Hell with God's grace. You were in a dark place but still found ways to praise our Father. You were open with your anger and honest with your feelings. I find it comforting when I, too, can share my anger with God. He has big shoulders ... he can take it. And he knows it all anyway. There is much healing there. You, my friend, are truly blessed. Thank you for writing such a wonderful posting.
You're right - He knows it all anyway. LOL....
And I am blessed..... I really appreciate your kind words... :-)
_____________________________
Peace,
Muse
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Forgiveness After Divorce - 8/7/2008 2:51:57 PM
|
|
|
JCMK
Posts: 118
Joined: 12/30/2007
Status: offline
|
I share so much of my feelings concerning my divorce in an OP that I started in the Marriage forum. It's called "I Want My Life Back". Really, there is no need to repeat any of it here. I don't feel like I have progressed much at all and I am still unable to move on with my life. Right now I feel like I have no future, nothing to look forward to, and no reason to continue to live. I was taught that suicide would send me to hell, so I stay alive. I dread each day because there is nothing in them. I dread going to sleep because I am tormented with dreams every single night about my ex-husband. The dreams are different, but very long and detailed. I wake up with a "dream-hangover" and have the same feelings that were in the dream - whether they be hope, grief, anger, or whatever.
I still love him and I still want him. I miss everything about him. I try not to dwell on it, but I can't help it. Twenty-hours a day was centered around him - how does a person stop that? I wake up in the middle of the night when I roll over because he isn't there. How do you stop that?
Divorce is worse than death. I don't know how to go on. I've had a lot of suggestions by friends and family and nothing works. I know that they mean well and feel helpless when they see me like this. I've always been a fighter and a survivor, but so far I can't seem to move on at all.
I hope everybody does better than I am. Life is passing by and mine is being wasted.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Forgiveness After Divorce - 8/7/2008 3:14:49 PM
|
|
|
hotsaucygma
Posts: 3106
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
|
Stories of the Divorce Wars, hmm?
Actually, I think it has some similarities to war... there is the breakdown in the relationship between the two involved, the open "hostilities" during the divorce proceedings, then finally the post-divorce(war) "peace" situation. Sometimes after the peace is called there is still a lot of fighting going on; sometimes it looks peaceful on the surface but there is still much turmoil while the "defeated" one(s) come to terms with the new situation; and sometimes there is real honest peace and growth for both parties.
I was married 29 years. Actually 28 years, 9 mos and 8 days, but who's counting  ? We started out with a lot going for us. My husband had a good job, I worked too. We had a brand new car, a second one that was only a couple years old, both paid for; had bought and paid for all our furniture, had families that were supportive of our marriage and we had much in common as far as church and our ideas about recreational activities. Then we came home from the honeymoon and it went downhill, lol. But we did have good years. And we had two wonderful sons. I personally think we would have made it if it wasn't for the alcohol. There were certainly other issues, but the alcohol was the main one- his love.
So anyway, 28 years, 9 mos and 8 days later, I had a piece of paper that said it was officially over.
Just because it is "officially over" doesn't mean it is really over. I'm not sure it is ever "over". The pain is so intense. I have explained it as if someone ripped your arm from your body and then used it to beat you half to death. Divorce doesn't affect just the two people that got the divorce. It affects your children, family, friends and even future friends because you are no longer the same person as you were before going through a divorce.
My Ex kept the house we had built. I bought a small 2 bedroom home and my kids helped me move in the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. That first set of "holidays"- I'll never forget them. Such a mixed bag of feelings, highs to extreme lows. Thanksgiving was one of "our" favorite holidays. For some reason, it was the one holiday that my Ex would get up in the morning and help stuff the turkey and participate in it without "ruining" the day. I remember laughing together as we tried to figure out how to stuff a turkey that first Thanksgiving that we had invited both of our families to join us in our little apartment. I have many fond memories of turkey stuffing mornings after that! But the first Thanksgiving spent in my new home was also filled with love and family. My Mom, Godmother, both sons and my daughter-in-law were there. We went out to a local resturant buffet, and back to my new home for pie amid the boxes and clutter that "moving" makes. One of my Ex-BIL's called me that evening and that brought lots of tears; that night as I went to bed alone, I again felt a mix of emotions. But, I love the peace I have found in my little home. I spent that whole first winter pretty much in the recliner, afaghan and cat on my lap, TV going but I couldn't tell you what was on it! I got to go back to church, and that is where I found a DivorceCare group that helped me put my life back together. It is the reason that I so often suggest those going through a divorce or even just thinking about it to go to DivorceCare.
I tried to develope a civil relationship with my Ex, but he was so angry I was never able to do so. He put the kids in the middle and made things difficult any time I had to try to deal with him- such as my younger son's wedding, baptisims of grandchildren etc. I always made sure I was polite and friendly to them if they did decide to come. My kids, bless them, always included me in any family gatherings and told their Dad that he was just as welcome, but they would not do "seperate" things if he chose not to come. Usually he chose not to come. There were times I offered to stay away, but the kids said no- if he chose to miss out, it was his choice. But I know it was hard on them. It was also hard on me. It was hard to have the Grandkids born and not share that with their Grandpa. It was hard knowing there was another woman in the kitchen that I had designed and that when my kids went there for dinner they were all in our old home- without me and with another woman... Hmm, so much pain- plenty to go around!
But I am stronger, happier, better now than I was then. I am closer to the Lord, still close to my Kids and Grandkids. After "my war", I did find peace. It is sometimes slow going, but steadily moving forward, you build your life again.
_____________________________
Dear Lord, let my words today be as sweet and delicious as cheesecake... for tomorrow I may have to eat them!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Forgiveness After Divorce - 8/7/2008 3:54:05 PM
|
|
|
CheshireMuse
Posts: 101
Joined: 8/23/2007
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: JCMK
I share so much of my feelings concerning my divorce in an OP that I started in the Marriage forum. It's called "I Want My Life Back". Really, there is no need to repeat any of it here. I don't feel like I have progressed much at all and I am still unable to move on with my life. Right now I feel like I have no future, nothing to look forward to, and no reason to continue to live. I was taught that suicide would send me to hell, so I stay alive. I dread each day because there is nothing in them. I dread going to sleep because I am tormented with dreams every single night about my ex-husband. The dreams are different, but very long and detailed. I wake up with a "dream-hangover" and have the same feelings that were in the dream - whether they be hope, grief, anger, or whatever.
I still love him and I still want him. I miss everything about him. I try not to dwell on it, but I can't help it. Twenty-hours a day was centered around him - how does a person stop that? I wake up in the middle of the night when I roll over because he isn't there. How do you stop that?
Divorce is worse than death. I don't know how to go on. I've had a lot of suggestions by friends and family and nothing works. I know that they mean well and feel helpless when they see me like this. I've always been a fighter and a survivor, but so far I can't seem to move on at all.
I hope everybody does better than I am. Life is passing by and mine is being wasted.
I've followed your story since the beginning. Many parts of it made me cry because I know how badly you're hurting.
I've felt exactly the way you feel now. I was rebelling against God during that time (for me), so I self-medicated... alot.....; planned to kill myself 3 separate times, attempted it twice; dabbled in the occult; had several bad relationships..... yep... I did everything wrong.
I know that you hurt so badly that you want to claw your way out of your own skin sometimes. I know you get angry because it seems as if your ex is flourishing, while you're withering.... It feels like God has forgotten you and life has no flavor.
But, I promise you - from the bottom of my heart - it gets better. Little by little, day by day.... but, it gets easier. And, your life is not wasted... God NEVER abandons the works of His hands.
I don't know if this helps any, but I'm praying for you..... (((hugs)))
_____________________________
Peace,
Muse
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Forgiveness After Divorce - 8/7/2008 4:07:34 PM
|
|
|
hotsaucygma
Posts: 3106
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: CheshireMuse
I know that you hurt so badly that you want to claw your way out of your own skin sometimes. I know you get angry because it seems as if your ex is flourishing, while you're withering.... It feels like God has forgotten you and life has no flavor.
Descriptive CheshireMuse... and so true. I've been there too.
_____________________________
Dear Lord, let my words today be as sweet and delicious as cheesecake... for tomorrow I may have to eat them!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Forgiveness After Divorce - 8/7/2008 4:32:47 PM
|
|
|
ta_mosquito
Posts: 11443
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: from MN, now in Ontario :D
Status: offline
|
In an attempt to consolidate for the purpose of effective moderation we have created a couple One Stop threads for the topic of divorce. Therefore, this thread on the topic is being closed.
Please continue your discussion in one of the following One Stop Threads.
Click on one of the following links:
Divorce
Remarriage After Divorce
Please note, however, that discussing YOUR divorce/remarriage is not allowed in these threads. CLICK HERE for an explanation as to why.
Thank you!
Tricia
Forums Moderator
Please do not reply to this message within the Community.
Please email Community@salemwebnetwork.com with questions, comments, or concerns.
Please do not send me PMs regarding this message.
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
