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Help - 8/29/2008 9:21:25 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 3273
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This is a serious post though it may not sound serious.
20 years ago, I had a boyfriend that I dated for 4 years. I hurt him badly (no, there's no cheating....I just treated him with very little respect). I was 24 when the relationship ended. We were heading for marriage. My family totally adored him. But marriage was the furthest thing from my mind....at least, marriage with him.
So, I bolted...sort of disappeared in the middle of the night (figuratively) and left him completely in the dark. I ran into him at my parents house a few times but I refused to talk to him.
Through out the years, he would send messages through my sister saying he's still in love with me...blah, blah...
Every time I saw him, he left his number for me to contact him, but I threw it away as soon as possible....I just hated him (because I was feeling so guilty for what I did to him.)
The past few years, I've been thinking about him and what I did, and I had been praying for healing for him because I know he's still hurting. Somehow, I just know that he is (last time I heard about him was 5 years ago, and he asked how I was doing, to which I instructed people around me to not tell him anything).
Well, what do you know. I have a profile in a dating site and he just sent me an email with a card saying "I love you". Ugh! That makes me cringes, but at the same time, i feel sorry for him. I don't know if I want to respond to him, but somehow, I think I need to make it right. I don't know how. God is giving me this opportunity to maybe let everything between us be done and settled so he can be healed, and maybe to a degree, I can be rid of my guilt. I'm just having a hard time imagining communicating with him again. I don't want to know anything about him at all and I don't want to sound mean. I need a lot of grace to do this, which at the moment, I feel I completely lack. Whatever the outcome, I know I would never want him in my life again....even as a friend.
This is something that is important to me, and I need an insight/suggestion on how to go about it. I've prayed for wisdom.
_____________________________
Wishing for a Steelers/Eagles superbowl.
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RE: Help - 8/29/2008 10:00:13 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8028
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1. Do you love him or would you ever love him? I'm assuming teh answer is no.
2. Apologize for disappearing and hurting him. Take all the blame. Ask him to forgive you for your behavior. Admit it was the wrong way to do it.
3. Explain to him that you ahve no feelings for him whatsoever, will never have any feelings for him and have no place for him in your life. Be ruthless if you must be. (Unless your daughter is named Ruth that is)
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Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Help - 8/30/2008 7:08:33 AM
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broyce1981
Posts: 2064
Joined: 8/8/2006
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OK, I'll agree with what everyone else has said. You need to have this conversation because obviously this guy just doesn't get it! And if you don't have it, he'll likely wait another 20 years hopelessly in love with you. It won't be easy or pleasant, but he needs to know firmly and as gently as possible that this isn't going to happen. Praying that you'll find the right words....
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RE: Help - 8/30/2008 9:00:34 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 3273
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Can't be ruthless....That's one of my favourite book in the bible....and there's a warning about taking away from the boook....
Sorry, my first attempt at early morning humour....withou coffee...
Update:
I got another email this morning. He left me his phone #, email address and home address. Then he said he could tell me about his son and his step son. So, obviously, he moved on at some point. What would be gross is if he's still married, and he's cruising the dating sites...ewww, that's just icky. Then he mentioned that he had a near death experience that he wants to discuss with me....what the heck???
I went to bed last night praying about what I should do. I left an emal to my best friend asking for her advice (she's a very wise lady, I call her Queen Solomon). She found it funny that when I visited her in BC, I mentioned to her how I felt that I need to make things right with this guy (meaning apologize), but seeing now that my email had a lot of negative feelings, she said that I should leave it alone as I"ll end up hurting him more. But she left the decision up to me.
So, I decided that I will respond, just don't know when, and have no clue what I'll say. This guy creeps me out because he was so obsessive then, and he's still obsessive now. That's why I left him. I broke up with him a few times before, but he always managed to make me feel guilty. And my family really liked him, so I always took him back. Cutting him out of my life without communicating with him was the only way I knew to end it. I still feel felt guilty because I know it was the wrong thing to do. We had no formal break up. I just decided one day to not show up and not talk to him ever.
_____________________________
Wishing for a Steelers/Eagles superbowl.
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RE: Help - 8/30/2008 9:05:49 AM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 17768
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Just Outside of Boston
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Sounds like you are doing the right thing Prairie!
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RE: Help - 8/30/2008 10:27:38 AM
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ladioffaith
Posts: 3100
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: NE Ohio (L.A. . . Lower Akron)
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Maybe he values your wisdom and spiritual insight ... or whatever. I have a friend who goes months without talking to me, then calls out of the blue to ask me a question about something deep that happened to him. I think he just likes to hear me confirm that he did the right thing.
Anyway ... I agree with John. Writing him a letter apologizing, explaining that you have no feelings for him and wishing him well is a good idea. If you are very clear about the "no feelings" part, it should not encourage him.
I know a lot of people who are divorced and still consider their ex's kids their step children. He could be a widower. Doesn't this site list people's marital status? (Single, divorced, widowed?)
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~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with
his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph. 3:17
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
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RE: Help - 8/30/2008 11:00:17 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 3273
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How's this? Is there any hint of encouragement for him to contact him again?
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It's nice to see that you have a couple of kids that you love and adore and I hope you do your best to be the greatest father they'll ever have.
While I understand that you have a need to share your thoughts and feelings about your life to me, I am sorry to say that I don't feel the same sentiments. It's been a lifetime ago since we've had a relationship, and I have no need to re-kindle, or start over with you, whether it's frienship or more that you're looking for. I know I've hurt you deeply in the past, and I'd like to take this opportunity to offer to you my sincerest apologies. However, I have moved on. The card you sent, while very thoughtful, isn't appreciated. I'm truly sorry.
Good luck in finding the woman who deserves your love and affection. And I hope you continue in your Christian journey.
_____________________________
Wishing for a Steelers/Eagles superbowl.
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RE: Help - 8/30/2008 11:02:24 AM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 17768
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From: Just Outside of Boston
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That seems nice and honest and to the point.
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RE: Help - 8/30/2008 11:06:04 AM
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John_O
Posts: 8028
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
How's this? Is there any hint of encouragement for him to contact him again?
_____________________________
It's nice to see that you have a couple of kids that you love and adore and I hope you do your best to be the greatest father they'll ever have.
While I understand that you have a need to share your thoughts and feelings about your life to me, I am sorry to say that I don't feel the same sentiments. It's been a lifetime ago since we've had a relationship, and I have no need or desire to re-kindle, or start over with you, whether it's frienship or more that you're looking for. I know I've hurt you deeply in the past, and I'd like to take this opportunity to offer to you my sincerest apologies. However, I have moved on. The card you sent, while very thoughtful, isn't appreciated. I'm truly sorry.
Good luck in finding the woman who deserves your love and affection. And I hope you continue in your Christian journey.
Near perfect. I'd add the words I put in in bold though to show that not only do you not need to but you don't even want to.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Help - 8/30/2008 11:13:01 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 3273
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Thanks guys. I sent it....with John's edition. I don't know why, but I was shaking when I was sending it, and I felt like crying. I have absolutely no feeling for this man. I just needed to give him the closure that I know he's been looking for.
_____________________________
Wishing for a Steelers/Eagles superbowl.
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RE: Help - 8/30/2008 11:15:29 AM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 17768
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From: Just Outside of Boston
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((((((((Prariehiker)))))))) (I hope you do not mind the cyberhug.)
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RE: Help - 8/30/2008 11:26:28 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 3273
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Thanks, Humble. Nah...that's ok. Cyber hugs are good! Is it that obvious that I'm very aversed to physical touch, lol! I'm touchy feely when I'm with someone special or with my daughter, but with the rest of the world....I have an imaginary 2 feet fence around me.
_____________________________
Wishing for a Steelers/Eagles superbowl.
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RE: Help - 8/30/2008 11:28:14 AM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 17768
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From: Just Outside of Boston
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I am not sure, I tend to be umcomfortable with physical touch myself, however sometimes when words cannot be a comfort then a cyber hug does the trick instead.
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RE: Help - 8/30/2008 11:37:14 AM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
Thanks, Humble. Nah...that's ok. Cyber hugs are good! Is it that obvious that I'm very aversed to physical touch, lol! I'm touchy feely when I'm with someone special or with my daughter, but with the rest of the world....I have an imaginary 2 feet fence around me.
I think we're all like that. We want to be close, real close, to those we like and keep the rest of the world out of our personal space.
What's fun to watch is an American talking with a European. In Europe (Germany for certain) personal space is about 12". In the USA it's about 18 to 24". I had a friend in college from Germany. I'd only talk to him if I could put a table between us. Otherwise he'd end up chasing me all over the room. He'd step in to his space and I'd step back to mine. (repeat ad infinitum)
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Help - 9/1/2008 12:50:11 AM
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SaranadeMe
Posts: 150
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Southern California
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
Thanks guys. I sent it....with John's edition. I don't know why, but I was shaking when I was sending it, and I felt like crying. I have absolutely no feeling for this man. I just needed to give him the closure that I know he's been looking for.
You were shaking, I believe, out of fear. You obviously don't like hurting people and it's obviously painful to know that you hurt someone in the past, and that the only way to truly make things better is to make things worse for a while. It's always scary having to be seemingly hurtful again.
It's sort of like having to re-break a bone that has knitted back together wrong. You know it's right and what needs to happen but that doesn't mean it doesn't feel like a bone breaking once again.
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RE: Help - 9/1/2008 12:58:34 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 3273
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SaranadeMe
quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
Thanks guys. I sent it....with John's edition. I don't know why, but I was shaking when I was sending it, and I felt like crying. I have absolutely no feeling for this man. I just needed to give him the closure that I know he's been looking for.
You were shaking, I believe, out of fear. You obviously don't like hurting people and it's obviously painful to know that you hurt someone in the past, and that the only way to truly make things better is to make things worse for a while. It's always scary having to be seemingly hurtful again.
It's sort of like having to re-break a bone that has knitted back together wrong. You know it's right and what needs to happen but that doesn't mean it doesn't feel like a bone breaking once again.
You are partially right, Serenade Me (nice name!) I didn't want to hurt him, but also, I dreaded having to communicate with him at all. He's the type of guy that if you give him an inch, he'll take a foot. Know what i mean And he responded to my email saying why am I still living in the past, and why haven't I moved on? I shouldn't be bringing up the past according to him. And he said was all he wanted was to be friends and have someone to chat with. OF course, I didn't buy it because he sent the card saying I love you, with a big red rose. He said he'll never do that again, and he'll never call me honey again. His tone was more inviting, and not upset, but I don't know. I saw no reason to respond after that because he is back to his old ways.
_____________________________
Wishing for a Steelers/Eagles superbowl.
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RE: Help - 9/1/2008 7:56:04 AM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 12079
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
quote:
ORIGINAL: SaranadeMe
quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
Thanks guys. I sent it....with John's edition. I don't know why, but I was shaking when I was sending it, and I felt like crying. I have absolutely no feeling for this man. I just needed to give him the closure that I know he's been looking for.
You were shaking, I believe, out of fear. You obviously don't like hurting people and it's obviously painful to know that you hurt someone in the past, and that the only way to truly make things better is to make things worse for a while. It's always scary having to be seemingly hurtful again.
It's sort of like having to re-break a bone that has knitted back together wrong. You know it's right and what needs to happen but that doesn't mean it doesn't feel like a bone breaking once again.
You are partially right, Serenade Me (nice name!) I didn't want to hurt him, but also, I dreaded having to communicate with him at all. He's the type of guy that if you give him an inch, he'll take a foot. Know what i mean And he responded to my email saying why am I still living in the past, and why haven't I moved on? I shouldn't be bringing up the past according to him. And he said was all he wanted was to be friends and have someone to chat with. OF course, I didn't buy it because he sent the card saying I love you, with a big red rose. He said he'll never do that again, and he'll never call me honey again. His tone was more inviting, and not upset, but I don't know. I saw no reason to respond after that because he is back to his old ways.
Danger, Will Robinson; Danger, Will Robinson. RUN!!!!!!! Do not let him back in.......you know how he is....do not do it.
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
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RE: Help - 9/1/2008 11:09:59 AM
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John_O
Posts: 8028
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
You are partially right, Serenade Me (nice name!) I didn't want to hurt him, but also, I dreaded having to communicate with him at all. He's the type of guy that if you give him an inch, he'll take a foot. Know what i mean And he responded to my email saying why am I still living in the past, and why haven't I moved on? I shouldn't be bringing up the past according to him. And he said was all he wanted was to be friends and have someone to chat with. OF course, I didn't buy it because he sent the card saying I love you, with a big red rose. He said he'll never do that again, and he'll never call me honey again. His tone was more inviting, and not upset, but I don't know. I saw no reason to respond after that because he is back to his old ways.
Do not reposnd to anything he sends except to get a restraining order placed against him. (Keep his emails just in case you need them to support the restraining order). NEVER communicate with him again.
You did what you neded to do.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Help - 9/1/2008 12:48:26 PM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 17768
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Just Outside of Boston
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