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How do I get past this? - 7/15/2008 11:30:02 PM
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lp272dm
Posts: 1
Joined: 7/15/2008
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I received a call from my mother today. About 1 yr ago, her boyfriend of 14 yrs suddenly, without warning ended their relationship. I always thought that they had a strange relationship. He lived in another state and would come in to visit once per month but worked most of the time with clients. During their time together, he purchased a house "for her" in a really nice community. Tonight, my mother received a call from the ex stating that he sold the house. She is in total shock and very upset. When I mentioned that she had rights, she told me that he was a married man. I thought that he may be married otherwise he would move down here but she always told me that he has an established business and needs to be where most his clients were located. I am now very angry because this goes against my beliefs and angry that she put herself in this position but at the same time, this is my mom, my best friend, the person I turn to when I need advise. How do I get past this and be there for her? What advise should I provide to her?
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RE: How do I get past this? - 7/16/2008 9:11:08 AM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 661
Joined: 6/4/2008
From: One of the coldest places on Earth
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: lp272dm
but at the same time, this is my mom, my best friend, the person I turn to when I need advise.
First and foremost, you have to remember this.
She IS your mother, your best friend, and the person you'd turn to if you needed advice. Nothing is ever going to change that. Its totally understandable for you to be disappointed in her for getting herself into a situation like this, especially if she always knew that this guy was married. But please remember that people screw up. Your mom is only human, and this guy must have played a really good game to get her to keep a relationship like this up for that long.
From what you're saying, I think she's learned her lesson the hard way. She's going to need support, prayers, and other help to get over this. Try and be as loving a daughter as she has been a mom. And that's really all the advice I can give.
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RE: How do I get past this? - 7/16/2008 9:18:49 AM
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MWD
Posts: 207
Joined: 8/23/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline
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The first step is to realize that this is about your mother, not about you and not about your feelings. So shove all that stinking trash aside, and you'll be far more effective in supporting your mother. Concentrate on action items, not on "Karing 'n' Sharing." That stuff yields no tangible fruit. Ask your mother what you can do for her to help get her into a stable living environment.
She is in "total shock," but that is not your problem. It is her problem. That's what a woman gets when she allows a married man to buy her a love shack and lets her life descend into adultery. So, I wouldn't allow her to expend any more than, say, three or four minutes' worth of energy complaining about it to you before you stop her and demand she slam on the brakes and start redirecting that energy exclusively toward finding a new place to live and, in parallel, recalibrating her own value system.
In short, you need to be the rock now, with a view toward real, tangible results for your mother, and allowing no distracting energy (especially the self-focused kind) to barge into the effort.
_____________________________
"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist."
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RE: How do I get past this? - 7/16/2008 9:57:14 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 802
Joined: 11/28/2005
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The first thing for you to do is forgive your mom and advise her to speak with a lawyer
depending on where she lives - she maybe entitled to financial provision if she can prove the relationship existed for that length of time & if there's any proof to the house being bought for her, the ex bf may have to share some proceeds of the sale of the house(even if he's married)... not that I'm approving of their relationship but since they did have a long time affair - in the eyes of the law she may be able to recoup some assets/money from their relationship... she needs to seek legal advice.
Since your mom didn't let it be known to you that she was having an affair with a married man - (moms know what their child/children think of them and many will act accordingly... that could be the reason she kept the affair a secret from you all this time. Then to, there's the shame factor in being found out.)
*Your mom made a bad decision and even though you are upset with her for lying to you... don't allow that anger to rule you! Your mom needs you - be a good listener, think carefully before raking your mom over the coals for having an affair.
You can express your disappointment but don't forget to tell your mom you love her and you'll help her through this situation.
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