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How to act around arrogant/impolite/rude people - 9/24/2008 10:30:31 AM
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bella05
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Hello all,
Okay so I've been having this dilemma. How should Christians act around people who are arrogant and impolite without being a doormat?
I'm asking because my friend's fiance is difficult to be around. He's apathetic, arrogant, and not very warm. If you don't talk about him, he just doesn't talk. He's body language is very cold. People who've met him says he's such a jerk. She pretty much ignores his behavior and seems to be in denial, even to the point of covering up and talking for him. He doesn't treat her great either, not terrible but not wonderful.
My husband and I have been giving him the benefit of the doubt every time we've gotten together with them and now we have another double date with them next week.
I'm a little tired of his behavior. He's in his 30's so there's really no excuse. We try to make him feel welcome, ask him questions to draw him into the conversation, and are patient with him. I don't think he's ever asked me anything about me and only asks about my husbands job because they're in the same field.
I'm sure we all have dealt with someone like this. My question is how would you act in this situation?
I guess I want justice to be served! I want someone tell him in the nicest way possible that it's cruel to be so disinterested in other people and so uncaring.
When he makes a rude statement, I just sit there. I don't say anything because he's my friends fiance and she's very emotional about him. You know the song... Stand by your man.
I would like advice as of how to stand up for myself politely and still be 'christlike'. Thanks.
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RE: How to act around arrogant/impolite/rude people - 9/24/2008 12:15:13 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3122
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From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
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He hasn't sinned against you. He's just just boorish, so I'm not quite understanding why you feel the need to stand up to him. Some people pride themselves in being this way, so if that's the case, you saying something isn't likely going to change him.
On the other hand, maybe he feels forced to be friends with his future wife's friends and you all aren't his cup of tea either.
P.S.- As a Christian, you do have to love him, but you don't have to be close friends with him, KWIM?
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: How to act around arrogant/impolite/rude people - 9/24/2008 12:28:44 PM
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manda59
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From: Hampshire, UK
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What kind of rude statements does he make?
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: How to act around arrogant/impolite/rude people - 9/24/2008 12:30:30 PM
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dpmartin
Posts: 21
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Please take in to consideration that this a man’s view, but I hope it helps.
Look some people are real jerks deliberately and proud of it. Some times it is their way of filtering out those who can accept them the way they are rather then them being superficial or a “fake” for the sake of the approval of others.(been around a few, and usually are the best kind of friend when it comes down to it) And there are times when it can be trying but usually it is of our own expectations that make us angry and we can take ourselves to seriously.
In the hope that following be not the case, I believe it should be said.
If they are to be married and if it is to be successful at all they would be confiding in each other in all things. Therefore he is already aware of your feels or thoughts of him that you have apparently expressed to your friend being that she has defended or made excuses for his behavior to you. And if she feels the need for your approval of him in any way he can also sense that. And being rude may, again maybe his way of finding out your honesty towards him. If you can’t be honest to his face he will not respect your influence otherwise in your friendship with your friend his future wife. Hence he has to deal with your opinion through your friend rather then face to face. And also may resent that you have no respect for your friend’s, his future wife’s judgement in matters of her choice to marry. Considering he represents her bad judgement in your opinion. If I was him I would not talk to you ether (no offence, nor personal mind you) considering you resent my relationship to your friend. For if he marries her he perceives that he marries your opinion, because it effects your friends peace of mind on the issue. Therefore he sees no need or value in changing his behavior around or toward you.
Look at it this way if the shoe was on the other foot how would your husband treat your friend if he perceives he represents your bad judgement in her opinion. And if your honest about it, you know he would treat her as one not to be trusted.
Hope this helps.
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RE: How to act around arrogant/impolite/rude people - 9/24/2008 12:53:20 PM
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bella05
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Kat_D, I think you misunderstand what I'm asking advice on. He's impolite and "boorish" is putting it nicely.
Like I said, we're not the only ones who think this way. I never implied that I wanted to change him.
Even if we're not his "cup of tea", we're still polite and kind to him. I am called to love him. However, in my opinion, no one has the right to mistreat people.
He's very self-centered, arrogant, and makes rude comments. It's uncomfortable and annoying to be in his presence.
My question is, is how to remain christlike and honest at the same time when we're confronted with difficult people?
I don't want to start an argument. He's hotheaded so anything might tick him off.
Then again, I feel like something has to be said if he makes an inappropriate comment.
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RE: How to act around arrogant/impolite/rude people - 9/24/2008 1:03:03 PM
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stellaluna
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The thing is to remain polite and not hotheaded. I would still say to him what I posted above...and if he flew off, I would calmly wait until he finished and then ask, "Are you finished being a hothead?" Sometimes people just need to be called on things. He might be posturing, as was mentioned, and waiting for someone to stand up to him. Some people need that.
_____________________________
Who should be allowed to attend church?
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RE: How to act around arrogant/impolite/rude people - 9/24/2008 1:09:11 PM
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bella05
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For the record, dpmartin, I never told my friend how I felt about him. She always excuses his poor behavior and seems to be emotional about it. Like she knows how he is and covers up for him. She used to tell me how self-centered, unemotional, and antisocial he is. I listened and agreed with her. Now, out of nowhere, she's saying how great he is. Apparently something else is going on and she seems to be in denial. I'm in difficult situation because I care about my friend but I'm uncomfortable around him and so is my husband. Like I said in my first post, he's not the sweetest guy to her either. And we're not the only ones who notice. Unfortunately, she's part of the statistic that women date and marry jerks. I'll support her but I don't think it's right for him to act the way he does.
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RE: How to act around arrogant/impolite/rude people - 9/24/2008 1:15:51 PM
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manda59
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From: Hampshire, UK
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bella,
Maybe you didn't see my question?
quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
What kind of rude statements does he make?
I'm wanting to know some example of situations in which you feel you'd want to stand up to him.
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: How to act around arrogant/impolite/rude people - 9/24/2008 1:38:58 PM
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bella05
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That's okay, Kat D, I agree to disagree.
We live in a sweet but small 2 bedroom, 2 bath home. One example is that we had them over for dinner and he said, "I can never live here, my house has to be big, etc." He never thanked us for the meal. He sat in his chair leaning back, arms crossed, looking away, not involved in the conversation. If my husband and I were talking about us , he would change the subject or had to say something about himself. Never said a nice compliment. So to be cordial and not cause a riff, we talked mainly about him.
Just a very self-absorbed, impolite guy. May I add, this is just one example.
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RE: How to act around arrogant/impolite/rude people - 9/24/2008 2:22:54 PM
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manda59
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And this guy's not a Christian?
If it was me, I'd be thinking that this guy's actually very unsure of himself, the opposite of the image he is trying to create. I've met many like that before. He could even have something like Aspergers.
And I'd ignore the arrogant stuff (and probably have a good laugh with my husband about it afterwards) and just love him, where he is at, without trying to correct him. I'd ask him about himself and let him talk about himself till the cows came home, seeing my role as that of serving him, and not seeing him as someone who is there to meet my own needs.
I might well use humour in my responses - like, if he mentioned the size of our home not being enough for him, I'd say "well hopefully, when we win the lotto, buy a mansion and invite you over, you'll feel more comfortable" with a grin and a wink.
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: How to act around arrogant/impolite/rude people - 9/24/2008 5:20:31 PM
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Bluethread
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It sounds to me like yor friend has a problem. What is her relationship with her father like? I believe she needs to have a "covering". That is a male authority that has her best interests at heart. Not that she is not an adult, but it is often easier for someone else to remove the mote from our eyes. When we do it we often make things worse.
As far as you are concerned. I would ignore him as long as he is acting this way and try to help your friend relaize that she is not ready to get married. If she "needs" a man like this, she needs to look at her life priorities. She needs to think more about her children and less about herself. There are obviously things he does that make her feel good, but life isn't about how we feel. It is about acting responsibly and trusting that as we do Adonai will bless us.
_____________________________
"Show me wherein I have errored and I will hold my tongue." Iyov(Job)
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RE: How to act around arrogant/impolite/rude people - 9/24/2008 5:23:46 PM
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rcjames
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I do run across folks like this at times.
I just ignore them, for i have nothing to prove to anyone.
If someone wants to act like a butt; then a butt they will be, and it is no concern of mine.
Thanks
RC
_____________________________
Just a country Preacher's humble opinion
Read the first chapter of my latest book here;
http://www.deliveranceofsara.com
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RE: How to act around arrogant/impolite/rude people - 9/24/2008 6:24:40 PM
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bella05
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You all had good comments and thanks for your time. AND I'll definitely use the humor bit! That's a good one!
They're not Christians. As for her relationship with her father, I'm not sure. Everything seems okay. Why? Do women usually marry men like their father? I stayed clear of that one! My father and I don't have a good relationship due to his temper and anger issues. That's why I'm so concerned not to act like him in this situation with my friend.
She has been dating her fiance for about 7 years, on and off again. People think that she's settling and we all know she can do a lot better. We'll continue to be polite to him but it's not easy. It's even harder to watch her trying SO hard to convince people that he's a great guy. Well, she's mostly trying to convince herself. I can see the wheels turning as she overly builds him up. At times I say to myself, okay, maybe he has changed and I'll see how he acts when we get together again. And every time, my husband and I leave scratching our head. My husband says, 'I just don't get it'.
It's sad to see one of your friends marrying a guy who doesn't uplift her. I always imagined her marrying a really great guy that encourages her and is fun to be with. Instead she's marrying someone who brings her down, doesn't go out of his way for her, and is miserable to be around.
I also think it's me wanting to ask her so badly, are you sure that you're making the right decision? No matter what I say though, she'll just get angry.
I'm starting to see that she's acting more like him little by little. I hope this doesn't cause a wall between us. I know a couple people who were in the same situation and their friendships drifted apart.
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RE: How to act around arrogant/impolite/rude people - 9/25/2008 8:47:07 AM
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dpmartin
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rcjames
I do run across folks like this at times.
I just ignore them, for i have nothing to prove to anyone.
If someone wants to act like a butt; then a butt they will be, and it is no concern of mine.
Thanks
RC
Amen there brother, no one is required to meet our own expectations.
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RE: How to act around arrogant/impolite/rude people - 9/25/2008 9:32:16 AM
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dpmartin
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bella05
For the record, dpmartin, I never told my friend how I felt about him. She always excuses his poor behavior and seems to be emotional about it. Like she knows how he is and covers up for him. She used to tell me how self-centered, unemotional, and antisocial he is. I listened and agreed with her. Now, out of nowhere, she's saying how great he is. Apparently something else is going on and she seems to be in denial. I'm in difficult situation because I care about my friend but I'm uncomfortable around him and so is my husband. Like I said in my first post, he's not the sweetest guy to her either. And we're not the only ones who notice. Unfortunately, she's part of the statistic that women date and marry jerks. I'll support her but I don't think it's right for him to act the way he does.
The bottom line is; should you be seeking the fulfillment of God’s Love for your friend and a jerk? Or are you seeking the fulfillment of your love? In this, I believe you can find a solution satisfactory before the Lord.
The Lord be with you and Bless you.
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RE: How to act around arrogant/impolite/rude people - 9/25/2008 10:06:47 AM
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JamesL5
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If a person is always being (arrogant, impolite & rude), this means they are living a sinful life. If they don't acknowledge their sins and repent, then the bible teaches us to have nothing to do with them. Just ignore them.
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RE: How to act around arrogant/impolite/rude people - 9/25/2008 10:28:35 AM
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manda59
Posts: 6007
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: JamesL5
If they don't acknowledge their sins and repent, then the bible teaches us to have nothing to do with them.
Would you care to quote chapter and verse so that we can check that our for ourselves?
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: How to act around arrogant/impolite/rude people - 9/25/2008 12:24:32 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3122
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From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: JamesL5
If a person is always being (arrogant, impolite & rude), this means they are living a sinful life. If they don't acknowledge their sins and repent, then the bible teaches us to have nothing to do with them. Just ignore them.
Well, DUH! What would you expect?...the guy in question is not a Christian. It always helps to read a thread before posting, KWIM?
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: How to act around arrogant/impolite/rude people - 9/25/2008 7:25:14 PM
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SovereignIsHe
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
quote:
ORIGINAL: JamesL5
If they don't acknowledge their sins and repent, then the bible teaches us to have nothing to do with them.
Would you care to quote chapter and verse so that we can check that our for ourselves?
Psalms and Proverbs...
_____________________________
John
Proverbs 29:12 If a ruler hearken to lies, all his servants are wicked.
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RE: How to act around arrogant/impolite/rude people - 9/25/2008 7:27:38 PM
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SovereignIsHe
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My suggestion.... Avoid if possible without making a big deal of it... If you end up having to deal with the person be polite and don't return evil for evil... I promise if you are polite in spite of his actions he will either leave you alone or come around...
_____________________________
John
Proverbs 29:12 If a ruler hearken to lies, all his servants are wicked.
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RE: How to act around arrogant/impolite/rude people - 9/25/2008 7:46:30 PM
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JamesL5
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SovereignIsHe
My suggestion.... Avoid if possible without making a big deal of it... If you end up having to deal with the person be polite and don't return evil for evil... I promise if you are polite in spite of his actions he will either leave you alone or come around...
Excellent suggestion! I couldn't have said it any better. 
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