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Prayer over separation - 4/19/2008 11:40:50 PM
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gocartone
Posts: 13
Joined: 4/19/2008
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I am new to the forum and have a very long story concerning my marriage I won't go into for lack of space. We have had issues in our marriage for close to 2 years. We were married 30 years last September. She told me almost 2 years ago that she had this awakening that she did not or had never loved me. She is not sure why she married me other than to get her out of a bad family life. It did come out later that year that she did have short affair and that it was more devastating to her than our marriage issues she was having.
I thought after the truth came out that we were doing well by going to counseling and working on the issues that she felt were breaking our marriage up. However, just this past January, she told me that the work we had done in the past year had not changed her outlook on her feelings toward me. She wanted to move out, separate, and see what gaining her independance and space on her own would allow her to learn. She only works part-time as a personal trainer so her income in not that much. She is covering her bills but I am paying the rent, car payments, and all. She was living free with a friend until she could find a place she could afford. Now, the friend needs the room back. She applied for an apartment but was turned down. Now, she still wants to separate and even file for it to be legal, leading to a divorce in our state in 12 months.
My concern is she says she feels a peace about what she has done and that God is directing her to do the things she has done. I may be off, but it does not sound like a characteristic of God to tell her to move out because of her feelings. That has got to be one of the most sinful words in our vocabulary; feelings. I have forgiven her for the affair and have told her repeatedly how much I love her and want to work things out. I end up against a brick wall by when I tell her I believe she is wrong in thinking God would bless her by moving out for the reasons she give.
Any insights from the forum on this. Your prayers are appreciated.
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RE: Prayer over separation - 4/20/2008 12:43:00 AM
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2Timothy3_16
Posts: 11
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God's word says plainly that a wife is not to depart from her husband thus it is clear that whatever urgings she thinks she is getting via feelings or emotions are from SATAN himself. God will never speak to us in a manner that does not line up 100% to his infallible inerrant word.
I will be praying for you and your wife.
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RE: Prayer over separation - 4/20/2008 2:20:24 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
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i am sorry gocartone. when one spouse usually gives the 'i have never loved you' they are rewriting marital history as they are usually having or contemplating an affair. i feel that may be going on again and separation makes it easier for it to happen. some spouses actually claim that they feel God is leading them to affairs and divorce as His will. i will pray for you. you are in a real tough spot especially if you own a house as that is likely half hers and she could borrow against all the equity. if you are renting, you could just try to hang on. let her pay her own bills etc and wait for her to possibly snap out of it. i highly recommend you check out divorcecare.com - they have a FREE daily email devotion that takes about 2 minutes to read that is very helpful for those going thru separation or divorce.
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RE: Prayer over separation - 4/20/2008 4:51:12 PM
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lastblast
Posts: 1544
Joined: 9/20/2005
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 2Timothy3_16
God's word says plainly that a wife is not to depart from her husband thus it is clear that whatever urgings she thinks she is getting via feelings or emotions are from SATAN himself. God will never speak to us in a manner that does not line up 100% to his infallible inerrant word.
I will be praying for you and your wife.
Amen! Wonderful word. Also brother, please do not get entangled with DivorceCare. Some of what they teach is biblical, some very important issues they do not even address (such as I Cor.7:10-11). Since you do NOT want a divorce, but want healing in your marriage, go to those sources who will only ENCOURAGE you to love your wife as Jesus loves His church. You wife is a blessed woman to have such a forgiving husband who wants to work on the marriage. Many are hardhearted today and want to seek "outs" instead of restoration. Keep praying for her, she is walking in deception. Blessings............
_____________________________
Blessings as you seek Him, Cindy
What does the bible say on Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage?
www.marriagedivorce.com
www.cadz.net/faq.html
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RE: Prayer over separation - 4/20/2008 8:18:29 PM
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gocartone
Posts: 13
Joined: 4/19/2008
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Thanks, guys, for your prayer and suggestions. We did sell our home last year thinking we could do the apartment thing for a while to see what the market would do next year. All you have said is affirmation to what those close to have been saying. The "truths" she is hearing is not from the God I know and read of. I have been told she is anything from delusional to possesed. I don't go for the possesed one but does need her space to allow God to work in her spirit and emotions. I will continue to pray for her to be open to God's voice and rebuke any other spirits from trying to communicate with her.
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RE: Prayer over separation - 4/20/2008 9:32:34 PM
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mbgb
Posts: 244
Joined: 12/18/2007
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I'd suggest RejoiceMinistries.org as a great site to go through for reconciliation of your marriage. It's Rejoice Marriage Ministries, the testimony by the couple who minister through it is amazing, and it has helped so many people just through prayer. I have just moved back in with my husband after a 5 month separation because of it. We still have a long road, but now I am on path with God and I know anything is possible. God bless, I'll be praying for you.
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RE: Prayer over separation - 4/21/2008 10:16:42 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
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divorcecare teaches how to get grounded in God and put your trust in Him and not man and that reconciliation is the best possible outcome. i would be very careful of www.marriagedivorce.com and www.cadz.net/faq.html as some of what they teach is biblical but they misrepresent the context of certain scripture that Jesus has said. also the craziness about divorcing a 2nd wife that you have kids with in order to remain open to reconciling with your first wife (no kids) but one who's been remarried happily for a long time. it's insane. good luck and i'll be praying for you.
< Message edited by iwillfearnoevil -- 4/21/2008 10:31:58 AM >
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RE: Prayer over separation - 4/23/2008 6:04:33 PM
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gocartone
Posts: 13
Joined: 4/19/2008
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Thanks for your prayers and input.
mbgb, I will look into the RejoiceMnistires web site.
This are a little uncomfortable at home. You would think it would be nice having her back but when she wants to be treated like a roomy and not a wife, that makes it hard. She does not allow me to kiss her but when we are out, we can hold hands. Yes, I know...weird. I don't know if I need to just let her know if she isn't willing to live here and work on our relationshipshe needs to leave or just treat her as she wants until she finds a place to go. It is a very thin line that I am walking right now. Your prayers are appreciated.
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RE: Prayer over separation - 4/23/2008 10:23:10 PM
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2Timothy3_16
Posts: 11
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quote:
ORIGINAL: gocartone
Thanks for your prayers and input.
mbgb, I will look into the RejoiceMnistires web site.
This are a little uncomfortable at home. You would think it would be nice having her back but when she wants to be treated like a roomy and not a wife, that makes it hard. She does not allow me to kiss her but when we are out, we can hold hands. Yes, I know...weird. I don't know if I need to just let her know if she isn't willing to live here and work on our relationshipshe needs to leave or just treat her as she wants until she finds a place to go. It is a very thin line that I am walking right now. Your prayers are appreciated.
Remember that God's word says that humanly speaking it is impossible but with God anything is possible. You and all the people in the world can't solve your problems. Take it to the Lord. As fast as possible you and your wife need to be in the care of a Bible-based Christian counselor that can lead you two through the steps of putting back together what has taken years to fall apart. The miracle for your family will happen the minute that both of you stand in agreement and ask to Lord to heal your marriage. The process will be a lot of work, but what that is worthwhile comes easy?
Do not wager the second most important relationship in your life on the advice of strangers no matter how well-intentioned we all may be. Trust it to the one that is your first most important relationship and those that he has trained up with a heart to heal sick marriages.
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RE: Prayer over separation - 4/23/2008 10:28:00 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
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gocartone!!!!!!!!! noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo unless she is abusive to you, asking her to move out and cutting off contact with her (aka plan b) will likely drive her away more. if you want to do that, you probably need to do a plan a for a set amount of time first where you basically kill her with kindness and just be supernice and not say ANYTIHING mean or disrespectful and not talk about your relationship. just let her be happy with you as a person. if you do that before you cut off contact, at least she'll have something to miss. are kids involved?
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RE: Prayer over separation - 4/25/2008 4:33:23 AM
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gocartone
Posts: 13
Joined: 4/19/2008
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We have been through the counseling over 3 times. Every time it comes down to the counselor saying she needs to have more time but she says she never feels like she connects with them. Over the last few days, she has been softening up a little. We have gone to dinner twice and she is more open like she is trying to relate to me and our relationship. I know God is moving in both of our lives. We are both in God's word daily although we are not praying or reading together. I don't want to cross the "space" boundry until she says it is ok. We did kiss goodnight last night for the first time in quite a while. I continue to give it all over to God and let Him do what He needs to do for both of us.
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RE: Prayer over separation - 4/25/2008 8:17:35 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
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keep it away gocartone! i realize it's not easy and one can grow bitter over not feeling or being shown love by a spouse but it's great how you are taking it slow (space boundary) and giving it to God!
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RE: Prayer over separation - 4/28/2008 2:51:19 PM
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Godsentjesus
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Joined: 4/25/2008
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I feel for you I am in the same boat. My wife of 21 Years says she loves me but is not "In love" with me. Acts distant and wants a apartment. This all came about with a alcohol problem, I am going to Alanon and it is helping. The reading I have read say when a woman sees that nothing is going to change and she sees no hope it causes her to die inside. We then say "i must of never loved", this is easier to handle than the pain of saying "I loved and it isn't working". There is a lot of pain when we deal with lost love. Both people have to take a hard look at how they didn't put the marriage first. I have been reading books from www.newlife.com and listening to their radio ministry. Don't give up hope at least your wife is willing to go to get help. Mine is not. I'll pray for us both.
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RE: Prayer over separation - 4/28/2008 3:56:41 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: offline
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Sorry for your pain Gsj :( I'll be praying for you...
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RE: Prayer over separation - 4/29/2008 7:01:59 PM
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blessednw
Posts: 811
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quote:
ORIGINAL: gocartone
Thanks, guys, for your prayer and suggestions. We did sell our home last year thinking we could do the apartment thing for a while to see what the market would do next year. All you have said is affirmation to what those close to have been saying. The "truths" she is hearing is not from the God I know and read of. I have been told she is anything from delusional to possesed. I don't go for the possesed one but does need her space to allow God to work in her spirit and emotions. I will continue to pray for her to be open to God's voice and rebuke any other spirits from trying to communicate with her.
Awesome strategy in prayer brother. I do know some good resources. There are very many christian brothers and sisters who have "woken up" to evil camping out in their homes through the deception of their mates towards ungodly actions like divorce, adultery, lying, slander.. etc. So God has led them to pray for rebellious mates. If you want any resources, you can pm me.
God bless you as you resist the devil's plans for your mate. If she could see clearly, she would thank you for it! A good attitude when someone is treating us badly is "what would You have me do to continue my obedience to You, Lord?" That has helped me more than many other well wishings.
_____________________________
This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh.....
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RE: Prayer over separation - 4/29/2008 8:54:10 PM
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carl54
Posts: 41
Joined: 5/31/2005
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God bless you! It sounds like you are doing all the right thing to save your marriage -- prayer, patience, restraint, etc. Keep it up. God is on the side of restoring marriages. But if the other partner is unwilling to stay inspite of all that you do, you know it was not for your lack of trying to satisfy God and your wife. God can win her back if she gives him a chance. This fight is not about you and her, it is about her and God. It is all up to her. Continue to show God´s love and outpour your love to her to the extent that she is willing to take it. Don´t bring it on too strong otherwise you may scare her off.
God bless.
_____________________________
Walk in the Sirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. Gal 5:16
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RE: Prayer over separation - 4/30/2008 8:56:36 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: offline
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yes gsj ... even if she moves out, you are still married and she may still desire to come back at some point. it might take some time. unless she remarries immediately, i believe i've read a majority of spouses moving out consider reconciliation at some point so no need to give up at that point.
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RE: Prayer over separation - 5/3/2008 5:51:45 PM
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gocartone
Posts: 13
Joined: 4/19/2008
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Sorry I haven't been online for a while but work has been heavy lately. Things have changed a little but at the same time are the same. I appreciate the replies from you all and especially the prayers. We went to what we thought was an attorney's appointment to give us the info on the North Carolina law on separation and divorce. He would not meet with both of us and basically wanted to represent my wife. We discussed the info that he gave her that night plus gave me a chance to give my opinion on where she is putting God in what she believes she is doing. I told her that her beliefs we outside of God's character. He would not tell any Christian wife to move out on her own to find His path for her. Of course she had no reply.
We have been out to dinner a few times but she has had some physical problems at the same time. I have to admit I was praying for God to use anything he needed to show her His power. That night, she started getting a severe tooth ache. She now has to have a root canal and crown put on that is going to use all of the money she saved to get the apartment. Not sure if that was God's way of showing her what she wasn't to be saving for but I know for someone as physically fit as she is, she has been basically on her back for 3 days now.
I must admit I get feelings of "Is this work all worth it" and Is it worth your time and effort to keep praying for a healing in this marriage"? But I know that is Satan tyring to destroy my faith and my marriage from the inside out. I refuse to bow over to him or to anything he says. Thanks for all the support and prayers.
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RE: Prayer over separation - 5/4/2008 12:46:39 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
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gocartone - lawyers can only represent one person by law ... often they might not even want the other spouse in the building .. there are some tricky wordings that could mean the difference. this man is representing your wife and not you. you have a good attitude seeming to realize there may not be changes overnight and trying to stay level amid the rollercoaster of emotion. keep it up.
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RE: Prayer over separation - 5/8/2008 9:25:08 AM
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gocartone
Posts: 13
Joined: 4/19/2008
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Thanks for the insight. I am going to have to reschedule my appointment with the attorney tomorrow for work and financial reasons. Our relationship is still at a crossroads. I think my wife is waiting for my input after talking to my attorney. She has not brought up the agreement issue at all and has been open in letting me know her work schedule. She is at times open with me and other times not. A lot of my Christian friends think I should kick her out. If she is wanting to be on her own then I should make her. It is such a fine line in doing what most feel is the right thing morally and what I feel is right by what I think God is telling me to do. Sometimes I feel like Job only wanting to praise God for where He as brought me and her and still listening to the friends who want you to only do what we humanly see as fit.
I will continue to pray and see what is in my heart concerning what path to take in dealing with her. If she could make enough money personal training to support herself, I am pretty sure she would leave. Maybe I am making it too easy for her but with her at home, it gives us time to talk and at least spend quality time together. It is going to be a very different Mother's Day Sunday. Thanks for your prayers whether you reply to my thread or not.
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RE: Prayer over separation - 5/8/2008 9:40:24 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: offline
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this article might be helpful for you, it forms the basis for most of Dr. Dobson's Love Must Be Tough book and talks about the situation where one partner is not so concerned about divorce and the other terrified (ie, one partner doesn't care anymore). still praying and allow God to use this time to work in your life.
http://www.troubledwith.com/Relationships/A000000560.cfm?topic=relationships%3a%20separation
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RE: Prayer over separation - 5/8/2008 10:00:55 AM
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gocartone
Posts: 13
Joined: 4/19/2008
Status: offline
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Thanks for the info. I am just about finished reading a book titled, Bold Love. I can't think of the authors name but is has also been very good at pointing out reasons, spiritually, that we see things happen in our relationships and explain ways to overcome them.
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RE: Prayer over separation - 5/10/2008 3:53:43 PM
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futuremartyr
Posts: 38
Joined: 4/4/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: gocartone
I am new to the forum and have a very long story concerning my marriage I won't go into for lack of space. We have had issues in our marriage for close to 2 years. We were married 30 years last September. She told me almost 2 years ago that she had this awakening that she did not or had never loved me. She is not sure why she married me other than to get her out of a bad family life. It did come out later that year that she did have short affair and that it was more devastating to her than our marriage issues she was having.
I thought after the truth came out that we were doing well by going to counseling and working on the issues that she felt were breaking our marriage up. However, just this past January, she told me that the work we had done in the past year had not changed her outlook on her feelings toward me. She wanted to move out, separate, and see what gaining her independance and space on her own would allow her to learn. She only works part-time as a personal trainer so her income in not that much. She is covering her bills but I am paying the rent, car payments, and all. She was living free with a friend until she could find a place she could afford. Now, the friend needs the room back. She applied for an apartment but was turned down. Now, she still wants to separate and even file for it to be legal, leading to a divorce in our state in 12 months.
My concern is she says she feels a peace about what she has done and that God is directing her to do the things she has done. I may be off, but it does not sound like a characteristic of God to tell her to move out because of her feelings. That has got to be one of the most sinful words in our vocabulary; feelings. I have forgiven her for the affair and have told her repeatedly how much I love her and want to work things out. I end up against a brick wall by when I tell her I believe she is wrong in thinking God would bless her by moving out for the reasons she give.
Any insights from the forum on this. Your prayers are appreciated.
God never gives his children peace when they do the wrong thing. She is not fulfilling her role as a wife by not living with you. http://cafebiblia.com/?p=98
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByTopic/45/1966_Staying_Married_Is_Not_About_Staying_in_Love_Part_1/
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByTopic/45/1975_Staying_Married_Is_Not_About_Staying_in_Love_Part_2/
_____________________________
http://www.teachableheartsathome.blogspot.com/
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