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She's Back... kind of. - 3/16/2010 3:22:14 AM
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jaimestarcross
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I can't locate the old post because the threads started by me only show the ones for 2010.
Awhile back my old friend down in the USA dropped out of my life after she re-married her ex husband/former minister (who has a long history of cheating on her.)
Well all is forgiven, they remarried just over 2 yrs. ago and she's embraced his young son by his mistress and from what I gathered the boy is staying with them a lot. Well two weeks ago my old friend contacted me on the other website I'm a member of... she got the info about me from her mom (who keeps me informed of the going-ons down home...that's how I know about the former things I mentioned.)
I accepted her as a friend on the other site and we have exchanged friendly chit-chat type stuff... no apologies were given to me so I'm kind of hanging in there to see where this new trail will lead. Since I live in another country and have been busy with my hubby who lost his left leg just over 4 months ago - I don't have a lot of time to be on the site waiting around for her to come online.
The last message I received from her she wanted me to download that software calling thingy known as Skype... I didn't do it(personally I don't care for Skype) and I wrote her back and said that she can contact me at my old messenger account since I've had it forever... well it's been a week and she hasn't written to me.
What should I do?
Download a phone like program that I get lousy reception with because I'm surrounded by mountains and satellite dishes.
The other thing that bothers me is I know the history of her relationship with her husband ... since I'm the one who introduced them when they were teens. Unfortunately there's been so much adultery (on his part) that I don't want to be drawn back into that web... I had of enough of that for the 15 years they were married the first time... it was drama, drama and more drama all those years! (This is why I don't care for soap operas because I've lived through all their drama.)
I'm trying to believe this new trail can lead to a better friendship(since she is seeking restoration) but I know I have to tread carefully because when it comes to her husband my friend will put blinders on and believe everything he says and will do whatever he asks.
Advice, please!
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RE: She's Back... kind of. - 3/16/2010 11:02:24 AM
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coalburned
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Sounds like you've pretty much written off your friend's husband as a liar/loser. While understandable, it might not be fair. Be careful about judging.
But that's really beside the point because what I think you're really asking is whether or not you should be setting some boundaries. You mention apologies and restoration, so there's apparently a lot more to the story, in which case I would say, yes, you definitely should have some healthy boundaries here. The internet makes it too easy to get into some uncomfortable relationships. If you're not at the point where you want to pick up the phone or visit in person, I recommend finding one site you're comfortable using to communicate with her and leave it at that until you see how things pan out. If she doesn't respond, then her relationship with you isn't that important to her. Stay in the driver's seat on this one for now.
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RE: She's Back... kind of. - 3/16/2010 12:07:34 PM
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jaimestarcross
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quote:
Sounds like you've pretty much written off your friend's husband as a liar/loser. While understandable, it might not be fair. Be careful about judging.
I haven't written off her husband - I'm very aware of his long history of being manipulative, a liar and engaging in adultery. I would like(love) to see this former minister make a better reputation for himself and do better by his wife and family. I have known him for over two decades and I have endured a lot for the sake of friendship and Christian unity... holding my tongue, encouraging and nurturing the children when he pushed them aside while he pursued his other women, bankrupted the family, and this is while he was a minister! My friend believed in her husband so strongly that he was a man of God and there was no way he would be doing wrong things much less chasing other women, throwing their money away on good times etc... I wasn't that blind to him and I won't put on blinders to his sneaky ways...I think he has a lot to prove since he was in an authority/leadership role. I want to be wise in rebuilding this friendship (if it's possible) and to do that I would like for there to be a higher level of honesty than there had been in the past.
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RE: She's Back... kind of. - 3/16/2010 12:21:02 PM
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ta_mosquito
Posts: 11825
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From: from MN, now in Ontario :D
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quote:
The last message I received from her she wanted me to download that software calling thingy known as Skype... I didn't do it(personally I don't care for Skype) and I wrote her back and said that she can contact me at my old messenger account since I've had it forever... well it's been a week and she hasn't written to me.
What should I do?
Download a phone like program that I get lousy reception with because I'm surrounded by mountains and satellite dishes.
If Skype doesn't work, it doesn't work. And you have good reason to not download it and use it with her. Getting sucked back into another person's mess can be draining.
Sounds to me like you did the right thing. You kept your boundary, and you offered her an alternative. It's up to her to accept or reject it. The ball is in her court.
_____________________________
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RE: She's Back... kind of. - 3/16/2010 11:48:08 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 1117
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deermousie:
The last time she left me hanging was when she remarried her ex husband.... the "hanging" period was over two years.
When the attempt to renew our old friendship was done recently I was willingly to give it another try and I pray this attempt is sincere because she knows me very well as we had been friends for over 20 years - we've known each other since we were teens - she practically lived at my house and the same goes for me at hers... we call each others mothers our "mom".
She has this habit of putting on rose colored glasses - yes, she actually says this at the time she is "pretending" she doesn't see the bad things that were going on in her marriage(I'm referring to the first go around when she was married the first time for the 15 years) - I came by to visit my friend one day(this was back around 2002) she was gone to get groceries and her husband was outside working on his sports car... with him were two teenage girls who were hanging all over him at the time... I asked if her boys were with her shopping, her husband said no they were inside watching cartoons and the girls were babysitting them! Really? how do two teen girls babysit children who are inside the house watching cartoons and they are outside hanging all over him while he is working on the car? I mentioned this incident to my friend and she said her husband hadn't been home at the time and the teen girl always brought her sister along when she babysat for her. I mentioned how I had found them hanging all over her husband... and she said -" I'm putting on my rose colored glasses(figuratively she does this putting on glasses motion) and now all I see is beautiful things!" That was her answer to what I had told her!
This is why I stated that if this attempt at renewing the friendship is going to work... there will have to be a better level of honesty in this relationship because I don't won't to put up with this type of "pretending" any more.
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RE: She's Back... kind of. - 3/17/2010 1:41:16 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 2688
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross
I mentioned how I had found them hanging all over her husband... and she said -" I'm putting on my rose colored glasses(figuratively she does this putting on glasses motion) and now all I see is beautiful things!" That was her answer to what I had told her!
This is why I stated that if this attempt at renewing the friendship is going to work... there will have to be a better level of honesty in this relationship because I don't won't to put up with this type of "pretending" any more.
Ai yi yi. I guess she deals with bad news by pretending it away. It doesn't make it go away, it just lets it get worse until it's chewing her leg off and she can't ignore it. You could ask her; she might be honest with you since she admitted it before.
"Well, the Titanic hasn't tipped over too far and sunk yet... I guess I'm safe..." What a terrible way to live.
Jaimestarcross, I think she might come better under "ministry" than "friend." I'm sorry. She doesn't know what she's missing (like, your friendship).
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: She's Back... kind of. - 3/27/2010 11:58:41 AM
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jaimestarcross
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Thanks deermousie!
You're right she does come under ministry... just so you know - she's not contacted me yet, my last message to her page has gone unanswered (I check her webpage yesterday and she had been on her page the day before and even accepted a new friend request from someone but she left no reply for me.)
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RE: She's Back... kind of. - 4/21/2010 10:46:17 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 1117
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Update:
After a month of silence my friend responded to my last post!
In her email she spoke about her family that needs prayer and about her
doing well at the community college she is attending. There's still the "old history stuff"
going on - so I just kept things light because I do not want to get into "old history stuff"
that revolves around her husband and the bad decisions he made in the past.
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RE: She's Back... kind of. - 4/21/2010 12:29:10 PM
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smiley7
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quote:
She has this habit of putting on rose colored glasses - yes, she actually says this at the time she is "pretending" she doesn't see the bad things that were going on in her marriage(I'm referring to the first go around when she was married the first time for the 15 years) - I came by to visit my friend one day(this was back around 2002) she was gone to get groceries and her husband was outside working on his sports car... with him were two teenage girls who were hanging all over him at the time... I asked if her boys were with her shopping, her husband said no they were inside watching cartoons and the girls were babysitting them! Really? how do two teen girls babysit children who are inside the house watching cartoons and they are outside hanging all over him while he is working on the car? I mentioned this incident to my friend and she said her husband hadn't been home at the time and the teen girl always brought her sister along when she babysat for her. I mentioned how I had found them hanging all over her husband... and she said -" I'm putting on my rose colored glasses(figuratively she does this putting on glasses motion) and now all I see is beautiful things!" That was her answer to what I had told her!
I'm not sure whether this is any of your business. I do believe the term 'drama' is an overused one. Everyone has trouble in this life on a continual basis "In this world, you will have trouble." Do you think that perhaps by tattling on her husband you might be adding to what you refer to as 'drama.?
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RE: She's Back... kind of. - 4/21/2010 12:51:26 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2688
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: smiley7
I'm not sure whether this is any of your business. I do believe the term 'drama' is an overused one. Everyone has trouble in this life on a continual basis "In this world, you will have trouble." Do you think that perhaps by tattling on her husband you might be adding to what you refer to as 'drama.?
Well, if a former trouble-making friend is trying to re-establish a friendship we do need to be discerning. We are told to not be deceived (because we can be) and that bad company corrupts good morals. God insists we have good morals so we're obligated to protect ourselves from bad company.
And there's a difference between a moral person having troubles in life (you are quite correct; everyone does) and an immoral person who keeps pulling trouble down on themself as consequences from the immoral choices they make.
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: She's Back... kind of. - 4/22/2010 12:57:19 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 1117
Joined: 11/28/2005
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quote:
I'm not sure whether this is any of your business. I do believe the term 'drama' is an overused one. Everyone has trouble in this life on a continual basis "In this world, you will have trouble." Do you think that perhaps by tattling on her husband you might be adding to what you refer to as 'drama.?
Smiley7:
Actually I was tattling on the inept babysitters who weren't looking after my friends young children one of whom at the time was a mere toddler. If both teen girls were there to take care of my friends children then at least one of them should of been in the house looking after the baby... because only the Lord knows how long the children were left unattended before I arrived. I stayed inside the house until she came home - the teen girls were still outside when she arrived with the groceries. I told her what I saw and she handled it in her usual "rose-colored glasses manner".
As for it being any of my business - it is since these children of hers are my heirs being I am their "godmother". I have the duty to see to it that they are being raised in a loving and safe environment and that they are being taught godly morals. It has been a hard road to travel due to her turning a blind-eye to what's going on and then being there for her when the reality finally set in that he has abandoned his ministry(he was a minister), he left her and the children to pursue a 4 year relationship with a married woman(who has 5 children - one of which is his and then he left that woman to live with a teen girl. He also has another child by an ex.)
So yes, in this life one will have troubles - but then there's the "troubles" one causes because of abandoning God and pursuing their own fleshly desires.
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RE: She's Back... kind of. - 4/23/2010 5:31:18 PM
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mj2008
Posts: 84
Joined: 4/16/2010
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Wow, This is most definitely a ministry relationship and if I were you, I would keep this couple at an arms length. I would pray for my friend and family and tried to avoid a deeper relationship. I can understand how sad you must be by this as not only was a friendship over, but it sounds like you are away from your godchildren as well.
God is faithful and he can restore and believe that we are to forgive, but we also have to wait and see fruit. Their is wisdom in caution.
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I love Jesus!!!
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RE: She's Back... kind of. - 4/23/2010 7:54:40 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 1117
Joined: 11/28/2005
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quote:
mj2008
Yes, being away from my godchildren is hard but I do have their email address and their grandmother keeps me informed of their well being - hopefully in the near future when I have recovered from my recent surgery I can fly back to the USA and visit them. One son is nearly 18 and he is almost finished with school (the other boy is 11) so when that happens he can come visit me in Canada... his mom has told me how much they miss me and are longing to see me... I was in their lives since day one and regardless of how their father(her husband) is - I have done my best to make sure they are provided for and have a godly upbringing... it hasn`t been easy.
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RE: She's Back... kind of. - 4/25/2010 10:39:06 PM
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jn1010lf
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Hello jaimestarcross
I think it might help your own peace of mind to let this one fade away, out of sight, out of mind. If she does contact you again, I would deal with her spiritual life. That's really what she needs the most. If she balks at that approach, I would back out of contact with her.
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RE: She's Back... kind of. - 4/26/2010 12:46:38 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 1117
Joined: 11/28/2005
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quote:
I think it might help your own peace of mind to let this one fade away, out of sight, out of mind. If she does contact you again, I would deal with her spiritual life. That's really what she needs the most. If she balks at that approach, I would back out of contact with her.
*That's the level on which I am dealing with her(spiritually)... as long as she's on the level and doesn't start the rose colored glasses thingy again, I'm fine. I am willing to work on the friendship because we are Christians and she did approach me again and asked for the chance to restore the friendship.
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If I don't see good fruit, I'm going to be really leery. Since she sounds like she's in process, I'd just pray and wait to see where it goes. 
