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Spousal abuse in church families - 4/23/2008 12:29:56 PM
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PrincessDonna
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This came up in my women's Bible study and I'm curious what other church leaderships believe.
What is the appropriate way for the church to deal with spousal abuse when it becomes known? Should the church leadership leave it to the civil authorities or should they try to deal with it within the church first? What are some concrete ways they should go about dealing with this? Should the focus be on protecting the victim of abuse or on keeping the family intact?
Thanks for your thoughts...
_____________________________
Does God see?
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen. 2 Cor. 4:18
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RE: Spousal abuse in church families - 4/23/2008 1:02:59 PM
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ChoirDJ
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Depends on the level of intensity. If it was an isolated incident of mutual pushing or shoving, it might be more prudent to deal with it within the congregation. If it's more severe in that it's become an escalating pattern of abuse, you could be opening yourself up to potential liability if you don't get the authorities involved and someone gets seriously hurt, or worse, killed.
Depending on where you are located, you may want to advise the victim to contact the Alternatives to Domestic Violence Crisis Hotline to determine how to best addres the situation. They'll be able to assist with housing and other valuable services. They'll instruct the victim on how to come up with a safety plan in the event a crisis develops and the victim needs to leave immediately. I don't believe the church is the proper forum to deal with serious cases because of the potential harm that could come to those who are attempting to help the victim but may not be adequately trained on how to do this.
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"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: Spousal abuse in church families - 4/23/2008 1:05:47 PM
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CherishedbyGod
Posts: 2819
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quote:
ORIGINAL: PrincessDonna
This came up in my women's Bible study and I'm curious what other church leaderships believe.
What is the appropriate way for the church to deal with spousal abuse when it becomes known? Should the church leadership leave it to the civil authorities or should they try to deal with it within the church first? What are some concrete ways they should go about dealing with this? Should the focus be on protecting the victim of abuse or on keeping the family intact?
Thanks for your thoughts...
What is the nature of the abuse, may I ask?
_____________________________
~For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ~
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RE: Spousal abuse in church families - 4/23/2008 1:30:59 PM
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doinkdom
Posts: 3759
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Notify Elders who immediately (not tomorrow or the next day) go to the home and confront the situation for clarity and accuracy.
Based upon assessment of situation: options...
-call civil authorities and have spouse removed from premises, follow through with procedures
-talk with both spouses and allow the abused spouse to decide with follow up and accountability
-remove abused spouse until reconciliation can be walked out
it's situational
The only real experience I've had is a husband coming home drunk and threatening his wife with a loaded gun. He never touched her, but obviosuly it was a very dangerous situation. They also had small children.
We were called, we arrived and assessed that this was far too volatile...and called the police. We then walked out the entire process, to include their reconciliation to the end - took nearly 2 years.
It has to be more than lip service of commitment from a church - you have to be in community that will be involved with one another in a committed fashion that can handle this biblically.
If not...call the police - it's what they're there for.
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RE: Spousal abuse in church families - 4/23/2008 1:34:13 PM
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PrincessDonna
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To clear this up...this is all theoretical. I'm just curious what is the proper way to deal with abuse in the families belonging to a local church congregation.
So...theoretically...say it's moderate amount of abuse, mostly verbal and emotional with occasional physical. Also, assume the family is under a great deal of stress...economic, extended family issues, etc.
I guess I'm not talking about a "little" bit of conflict, but also not a clear and obvious danger to life. No drugs or alcohol involved. Does that help?
And in that theoretical situation, is it more prudent for the church to help deal with the stress issues first or the abuse issues? Assuming that stress would escalate the abuse, of course.
_____________________________
Does God see?
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen. 2 Cor. 4:18
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RE: Spousal abuse in church families - 4/23/2008 1:36:54 PM
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PrincessDonna
Posts: 10717
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From: Cow country, Upstate NY
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quote:
Notify Elders who immediately (not tomorrow or the next day) go to the home and confront the situation for clarity and accuracy.
So you would notify the elders and not rely on the abused person doing that on their own?
_____________________________
Does God see?
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen. 2 Cor. 4:18
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RE: Spousal abuse in church families - 4/23/2008 1:40:55 PM
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doinkdom
Posts: 3759
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quote:
ORIGINAL: PrincessDonna
quote:
Notify Elders who immediately (not tomorrow or the next day) go to the home and confront the situation for clarity and accuracy.
So you would notify the elders and not rely on the abused person doing that on their own?
You cannot count on the abused to notify anyone. And if you are in community, you don't have to.
I said elders, not knowing if there is a relationship already established that could handle it or not.
i.e my husband and I do counseling, therefore we do get called periodically. Depending on the case, an elder might be called in to help with accountability and other areas of concern.
but as a rule of thumb...I would get whoever involved that lends authority to the situation so people will listen.
It's when there is no respect for that authority the police are called in.
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RE: Spousal abuse in church families - 4/23/2008 1:44:54 PM
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PrincessDonna
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Thanks for clarifying. I think most of us at Bible study agreed with you on that...to go with the church authorities first and THEN involve the civil ones if need be. Obviously, if the abuse were extreme or lives were in danger, you'd have to resort to the civil authorities first, right? But that's a big judgment call to make from the outside looking in. Which would be why you would involve the leadership (what you call elders, I think...we call our pastoral team and deacons "leadership", but I think we're talking about the same group of people), so that they can investigate further and help make decisions with a bit more inside information.
Am I getting that right?
_____________________________
Does God see?
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen. 2 Cor. 4:18
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RE: Spousal abuse in church families - 4/23/2008 1:46:17 PM
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CherishedbyGod
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quote:
ORIGINAL: PrincessDonna
To clear this up...this is all theoretical. I'm just curious what is the proper way to deal with abuse in the families belonging to a local church congregation.
So...theoretically...say it's moderate amount of abuse, mostly verbal and emotional with occasional physical. Also, assume the family is under a great deal of stress...economic, extended family issues, etc.
I guess I'm not talking about a "little" bit of conflict, but also not a clear and obvious danger to life. No drugs or alcohol involved. Does that help?
And in that theoretical situation, is it more prudent for the church to help deal with the stress issues first or the abuse issues? Assuming that stress would escalate the abuse, of course.
Abuse is abuse. It is always dangerous...always! Verbal and emotional abuse is horrible...I've endured it and it is nothing to mess around with. Neither is physical.
Unless confronted, it almost always escalates.
Abuse should be directed at swiftly and is nothing to mess around with. If the elders/pastor do not deal with it immediately and confront the person it should be taken to the authoritys.
The abuse issues have to be dwelt with before the stress issues to get the abused out of the way of danger.
_____________________________
~For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ~
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RE: Spousal abuse in church families - 4/23/2008 1:59:41 PM
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Focusing
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I think more often than not, the abused person is too afraid to contact the authorities for fear of retribution - that's part of the cycle of abuse - emotional and psychological control by the abuser.
I attended confidential classes offered by a women's clinic. Very informative in explaining red flags and yellow flags, the cycle of abuse, and options available for victims of abuse - from understanding what is best to try and handle on our own, all the way to how to prepare for a need to flee at a moments notice. (I cannot stress how important it is to keep all this information and discussion under wraps - again, for fear of retribution by the abuser.)
Definitely check it out so you can be prepared to offer the information to women who are victims of abuse.
Coming from the position of having been the victim of several types of abuse, having in place a strong support system is key - without that, even if she leaves or makes attempts to "fix" the situation, the chances of her moving beyond the situation are slim. That is why so many women go back to their abusers. They are afraid, and they are unsure what to do and much less, how to do it. Lip service does not help - having someone or a group of others who will be there, offer assistance on a spiritual and emotional basis, and provide physical needs - a place to live, food, assistance in getting a job if necessary (or going to the state for necessary support, ie, welfare, food stamps, medical assitance - it's an overwhelming experience), help in finding child care if necessary ... there is so much to keep in mind, and her emotional state will get in the way of thinking through all this clearly. I can't stress enough how the abuse affects a woman emotionally.
Thank you for having the foresight to look into this. Abuse is still a very shameful place for a woman to find herself in, and knowing she has a safe place to go, and safe people to turn to is critical.
_____________________________
Sam
The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2
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RE: Spousal abuse in church families - 4/23/2008 2:08:20 PM
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rcjames
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Well this is the way I handle it.
If it is physical abuse, I call the authorities and ask them to meet me at the home of the couple. (I am required by law to report it).
If it is verbal going on physical, I go to the family and try to bring some sort of peace to the situation. If I feel that I cannot do such and that phulical abuse in eminate; I call my wife and she comes and take the with and children to a place of safety (usually our home), and I try and deal with the husband.
I work with the Sheriff's Dept. on all domestics in the area, when they get a call, they call me and I meet them at the home with the problem. They have learned that the presence of a Minister seems to calm a lot of violence (at least most of the time.)
If a woman (Church member or not) comes to me and has obviously been abused, I leave her eith my wife, call the authourities and go to the husband to discuss the situation with him.
It is very similiar to to the way I handle child abuse or molestation.
Now let me say that at my Church, I have had only one case of spousal abuse, and no child abuses. But have worked with hundreds of non-church attendees in this area over the years.
Thanks
RC
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Just a country Preacher's humble opinion
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RE: Spousal abuse in church families - 4/23/2008 2:12:13 PM
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doinkdom
Posts: 3759
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From: The higher lowcountry
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quote:
ORIGINAL: PrincessDonna
Thanks for clarifying. I think most of us at Bible study agreed with you on that...to go with the church authorities first and THEN involve the civil ones if need be. Obviously, if the abuse were extreme or lives were in danger, you'd have to resort to the civil authorities first, right? But that's a big judgment call to make from the outside looking in. Which would be why you would involve the leadership (what you call elders, I think...we call our pastoral team and deacons "leadership", but I think we're talking about the same group of people), so that they can investigate further and help make decisions with a bit more inside information.
Am I getting that right?
Yes, I think so...the deacons we have would be the ones to step and help them out financially, using the illustration you gave.
I also agree that it should be dealt with swiftly so as not to give the appearance of condoning any form of it.
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RE: Spousal abuse in church families - 4/23/2008 2:13:49 PM
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PrincessDonna
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Wow, RC...sounds like you have a pretty well-functioning system worked out! And if I remember, you are also in a rural area, as we are. Thank you for reaching out to the community in this way also!
Question about this...
quote:
If it is physical abuse, I call the authorities and ask them to meet me at the home of the couple. (I am required by law to report it).
So you are required to report it if ANYthing physical happens, or just over a certain line? So then you would not be able to handle it within the church, even if you wanted to? Would there ever be a case where you would want to handle it within the church? Say...if the family had a extreme distrust of civil authority or something like that?
Also, is it just you and your wife who would be involved in this process or would there be others? Are there other pastors in your church and/or deacons who would help with this sort of thing?
_____________________________
Does God see?
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen. 2 Cor. 4:18
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RE: Spousal abuse in church families - 4/23/2008 2:16:01 PM
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doinkdom
Posts: 3759
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quote:
ORIGINAL: PrincessDonna
Wow, RC...sounds like you have a pretty well-functioning system worked out! And if I remember, you are also in a rural area, as we are. Thank you for reaching out to the community in this way also!
Question about this...
quote:
If it is physical abuse, I call the authorities and ask them to meet me at the home of the couple. (I am required by law to report it).
So you are required to report it if ANYthing physical happens, or just over a certain line? So then you would not be able to handle it within the church, even if you wanted to?
Also, is it just you and your wife who would be involved in this process or would there be others? Are there other pastors in your church and/or deacons who would help with this sort of thing?
Check your state laws.
I know we have to report child abuse and it depends on the person pressing charges for spousal abuse.
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RE: Spousal abuse in church families - 4/23/2008 2:16:19 PM
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PrincessDonna
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That is a great idea, Sam. I may hold onto that until the next women's ministry planning meeting.
_____________________________
Does God see?
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen. 2 Cor. 4:18
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RE: Spousal abuse in church families - 4/23/2008 2:17:20 PM
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PrincessDonna
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Thanks, Connie. I will do some checking into state laws, though that's something our leadership is probably already up on. Now you've got me curious.
_____________________________
Does God see?
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen. 2 Cor. 4:18
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RE: Spousal abuse in church families - 4/23/2008 2:26:58 PM
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rcjames
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From: Oklahoma
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quote:
ORIGINAL: PrincessDonna
So you are required to report it if ANYthing physical happens, or just over a certain line? So then you would not be able to handle it within the church, even if you wanted to? Would there ever be a case where you would want to handle it within the church? Say...if the family had a extreme distrust of civil authority or something like that?
I am required by law to report any phusical violence, now whether or not they are prosecuted is up to the authorities; but I do have sway with them because of our history.
quote:
Also, is it just you and your wife who would be involved in this process or would there be others? Are there other pastors in your church and/or deacons who would help with this sort of thing?[/color]
I keep is very close in the beginning, because most couples get past this with proper counsel, prayer, and attention.
If it turrns ot to be a major deal (long term, financial aid needed, etc.) then I involve one or more of the Elders, and my wife can and does call on a number of ladies in the CHurch.
The reason I try to keep it low-keyed in the beginning is in the hopes of getting it worked out without the whole community knowing and talking about it. That only seems to add to the problems.
The Elders in my Church help with Spiritual matters and the Deacons help with the physical necessities. If the care became long term for food, shelter, etc. then the Deacons would become involved.
Thanks
RC
_____________________________
Just a country Preacher's humble opinion
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RE: Spousal abuse in church families - 4/23/2008 2:30:22 PM
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PrincessDonna
Posts: 10717
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From: Cow country, Upstate NY
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quote:
The reason I try to keep it low-keyed in the beginning is in the hopes of getting it worked out without the whole community knowing and talking about it. That only seems to add to the problems.
That absolutely makes sense. Would you be able to keep it low-key even if there were physical involved and you had to involve the police?
_____________________________
Does God see?
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen. 2 Cor. 4:18
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RE: Spousal abuse in church families - 4/23/2008 2:47:51 PM
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DaveW
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First make sure that the congregational leadership is familiar with the local laws concerning this. As RC said, you may be required by law to report to the authorities. Depends on the state and city.
THey should then have a policy drafted covering just about every scenario they can think of and how to respond to each one.
Then when it comes up follow the plan.
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RE: Spousal abuse in church families - 4/23/2008 4:13:51 PM
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rcjames
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From: Oklahoma
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quote:
ORIGINAL: PrincessDonna
quote:
The reason I try to keep it low-keyed in the beginning is in the hopes of getting it worked out without the whole community knowing and talking about it. That only seems to add to the problems.
That absolutely makes sense. Would you be able to keep it low-key even if there were physical involved and you had to involve the police?
The authorities locally work very will with me, and I with them; involving them does not necessarily mean news media etc. and for minor physical events thay have discreation in arrest or no arrest, etc.
If the spouse gets the snot beat out of them; then it will be public, time in jail, etx. as it well should be.
Thanks
RC
_____________________________
Just a country Preacher's humble opinion
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RE: Spousal abuse in church families - 4/24/2008 11:08:49 AM
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buckifn
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quote:
Notify Elders who immediately (not tomorrow or the next day) go to the home and confront the situation for clarity and accuracy.
I would under no circumstances recommend an elder go to anyone's home, esp. alone to confront a domestic situation. Even trained police officers will usually tell you they hate domestic calls because of their known volatile nature.
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RE: Spousal abuse in church families - 4/24/2008 11:39:46 AM
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doinkdom
Posts: 3759
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From: The higher lowcountry
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quote:
ORIGINAL: buckifn
quote:
Notify Elders who immediately (not tomorrow or the next day) go to the home and confront the situation for clarity and accuracy.
I would under no circumstances recommend an elder go to anyone's home, esp. alone to confront a domestic situation. Even trained police officers will usually tell you they hate domestic calls because of their known volatile nature.
My answers are with the assumption that these people are part of an interactive and communicative body. I was not suggesting that someone go to a house of a fringe-Christian.
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RE: Spousal abuse in church families - 4/24/2008 1:09:10 PM
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rcjames
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From: Oklahoma
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Speaking only for myself, I have had no major problems with going to domestics by my self, whether they are Christian or not.
A few weeks ago a lady from the Church called me early on Sunday morning about a new neighbor, their kids of the newbies had come to her house and said their parents were trying to kill each other, she called me and then 911.
I went straight over and when I walked up the the door is was open and the couple were screaming at each other and throwing everything in the house at each other. I knocked and announced myself, but no one paid any attention.
So I just said a short prayer and walked into the house, the couple was in the dinning room, so I just walked in and sat down at the table in the only chair that had not been tossed. I said Good Morning.
They stopped and ask me who in the blankety bland I was. I tolk them I was a Pastor of one of the Chruches in town and had come by to invite them to Church. They both stared at me for a bit, and then they unloaded on how sorry the other was.
By the time the authorities got there from the 911 call, we were all sitting and more or less having a decent conversation. No blows had passed so the authorities left. The hubby went to a friends house to cool down and my wife came over and visited with the lady.
End result; fairly good, the kids are coming to Church and the parents have not killed each other; yet. I still go by and visit weekly.
Thsnks
RC
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Just a country Preacher's humble opinion
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