|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
When does school start? (Kids fighting) - 6/13/2008 7:21:56 PM
|
|
|
csl7037
Posts: 1365
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline
|
We're three weeks into summer break and I'm so ready for school to start! My kids are fighting like crazy and I'm about to choke somebody!?!? In case you're not up to reading my story/vent (because I can feel one coming on!), I'll get a question out now - what can I do?!?!?! Is there a book or something that will help me get these two to act like human beings toward each other...maybe someday even like each other??? (Skip to the last paragraph if you'd like now...)
I have an 8 year old dd (turning 9 in August) and a 7 1/2 year old ds. They fight constantly but all this togetherness is just sending us over the top! They play great to a point. Then it turns on a dime. And they take everything out on each other. Dd is bossy and can be exhausting. She's somewhat manipulative and knows what buttons to push with him.
On the other hand, he's sensitive and - what's the opposite of manipulative? He wears his heart on his sleeve and can be impulsive. I kinda saw a blow up coming this week because I could tell he was feeling left out. He's been at tennis camp all week (in the mornings). He loved tennis camp last year and couldn't wait to do it again this year. But his sister decided not to do it (too hot). So we've dropped him off and I've taken her to the gym with me. I know he was a little sad that we didn't stay to watch - it's HOT (too hot for me and dd just whined and griped the whole ten minutes we were there to drop him off - 2 hours of her waiting would've been unbearable), I needed to get to the gym (I guess I could've just gone later but assumed it was better to go then at least one of them had something else to do). We tried to get back early every day and did stay a while today at the beginning. Anyway - he thinks we were off doing something fun which were certainly were not.
A friend came home from tennis camp yesterday to swim. He was really acting like a 4 year old and driving the friend and dd crazy. He was trying, very badly, to get attention and it just made them want to get away from him more. We had two friends over today (a brother and sister, I thought that would be easier) - he was the same way!
Before reacting today, I tried to get him to sit out and calm down and think. I explained that I knew he was feeling left out all week but that dd and I hadn't done anything without him and that next week she'll be in a camp every morning and it'll be our time. Didn't help much. when the friends left, I sent them both to their rooms for quiet time for a couple of hours. They only emerged from their rooms about an hour ago and all seemed OK.
Dd, like I said, is bossy and bratty and pushes his buttons. I just heard her tell him to give her back her McDonald's toy (of all things). Then I heard the thud - he threw it right at her face. That's gonna leave a mark. I just sent dh in there to talk to him. He only got home a few minutes ago.
I'm over these two at each other's throats, jealous, mean, snotty, and hateful to each other all the time! I'm an only child so I just don't get this and it drives me crazy. We are four people living together in one house, all with the same DNA, why can we not just be civil to each other?!? I'd settle with that for a start. I'm thinking of some kind of daily chart with points for kind words and negative points for meanness, fighting, tattling, etc. I don't know. As much as I think they just need to go back to school, I also think I desperately need to take the next nine weeks (good grief, that's a long time) and do something about this! HELP!!!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When does school start? (Kids fighting) - 6/13/2008 10:40:28 PM
|
|
|
NotDoneYet
Posts: 267
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: Virginia
Status: offline
|
Mom, I feel your pain!
I raised 5 kids the first time through the parenting jungle, and the summer fights were legendary. My best solution is to send them outside to play...as often as possible. Siblings KNOW what buttons to push to send the other one right over the edge. I even see it in the 2 little ones we have now (girls, ages 5 and 3).
Can you perhaps plan activites for each child where they're with their own friends? Day Camp? The best parts of my summers were when each child was at some sort of day camp and they'd be too tired to fight in the evenings. The rest of the time, I just sort of ignored the fighting, and told them that if they bled on my carpets there'd be heck to pay.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that siblings fight...took me a long time to realize this, as I am an only child too...but, they survive it, and when they're all grown up (the first 5 are now between 18 and 25), they actually like each other!
Oh, and by the way...my mom and her sister (my mom is 75 and my aunt is 87) still occasionally fight (argue) like cats and dogs...comes from being 2 very different people!
Just pray...one day you'll be wishing for the noise and chaos...I never thought that would be true, but I do wish for it again now...the house is just too quiet!
NDY
_____________________________
Remember, normal is just a setting on the dryer!
Ranting and raving: diaryofaravingmom.blogspot.com
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When does school start? (Kids fighting) - 6/13/2008 11:18:29 PM
|
|
|
pbaribeault
Posts: 1084
Joined: 4/29/2005
Status: offline
|
If you want this to stop right away your action needs to be clear, strong and without much lead time. There are a lot of ways to go with that, but here's what I'd do.
Tomorrow morning, before they wake or have a chance to speak to each other make a nice breakfast (pancakes, bacon, juice, berries... yum) and call them to the table. Eat and drink, but require them to listen to a sort-of sunday school class.
Tell them that you think the whole family has had a frustrating week -- not only is the heat hard to cope with, but that them two have been bothering each other and getting upset. Talk from that section in James about how the tounge controls the body like horse's bits & ship's tillers (explain these in detail) and that's how the way they have been speaking to each other has been 'steering' your family's days into frustration.
So, adults are supposed to just obey the Bible, but kids get rules & consiquences. What you require between them is civil words & behaviour (don't require friendliness) Since they behave in a civil way at school without a problem, then they need to realize that 'vacation' is a privilidge that you can take away.
Set up a 'desk' for each of them (a chair at a table, desk, dresser or countertop) equipped with paper, pencils/pens, a book or two that might interest them, possibly pencil crayons etc. If they are civil, they can be on vacation and do as they like. If they are not you will impose 'school rules' for a reasonable length of time (say 15 minutes for the first offence, double for back talk or delay, and for a second offence that day)
For this weekend, you must supervise them constantly (do shifts with hubby). If you hear even the beginnings of incivility, or what you understand to be a warm-up to it, you clap you hands (blow a whistle, shake a maracca -- whatever) If you hear one word (or action) beyond that, the person instantly is sent to their desk. If they have anything to say, they can use the time to write it out for you. (Be prepared to read it & respond, even to apologize if they have a point, but at the time you are sole judge and any resistance results in doubling)
After the weekend, revert to usual supervision levels, but be sure to remain an enforcer. Don't be afraid to punish both if both are involved, no matter who 'started it' -- only exempt a child who walked away, remained calm or silent or called your attention in a non-vindictive way (because vindictiveness is not civil, so counts as an offense).
They will soon learn to play nice and take breaks from one another as they need to. Definitely encourage them to have some alone time. Oh, and I wouldn't have guests for the kids during this training week.
You might want to follow this up in a couple of weeks with more studies like the idea that a person's words show the status of their heart and the value of loyalty and friendship.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When does school start? (Kids fighting) - 6/13/2008 11:44:02 PM
|
|
|
OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2546
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
Status: offline
|
quote:
A friend came home from tennis camp yesterday to swim.
Was it your daughter's friend, or his friend? Because if HE brought the friend home, and then the friend teamed up with the daughter, I understand his frustration.
It sounds to me like some things need to happen here. I think they need structure, and I think they need some alone time. As they are of the opposite sex, I am guessing they have separate rooms? yes? If so, give them a time during each afternoon where they are just supposed to chill in their room. They can read, draw, call a friend, or whatever, but they have to leave each other alone. Also give them a couple chores they have to do each day. Since you have a pool, you have an excellent source for earning/losing privileges. You could tell them that they have to act decently in order to earn swimming privileges. Have them take separate bike rides from each other. Sign them up for a program at the library. I really think since the daughter decided not to do tennis just because it was too hot, she should have to do some other camp in its place (like craft camp, horseback riding camp, ocean camp, or whatever). I actually agree with how the boy felt when his sis went off with mom and he was left. Each kid should have their alone time with mom. Also, do some arts and crafts. Take this opportune time to teach them how to cook. Go to museums. Go to a couple movies. Try to see the summer as your golden opportunity, not something to endure.
Also, enrolling them in a VBS program for one week of the summer would be great.
< Message edited by OneOfHisJewels -- 6/13/2008 11:52:51 PM >
_____________________________
"We basically use what I have seen referred to as "get off your butt" parenting. It employs more interaction, more redirection, more prevention, and usually less spanking."
-Mrs. Wifey
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When does school start? (Kids fighting) - 6/14/2008 12:43:00 AM
|
|
|
Christian30
Posts: 205
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Stafford, TX (Houston suburb)
Status: offline
|
We never had the summer fighting thing when we homeschooled, but as soon as they went to school they fought much more, and not only in summer but in evenings after school. There's a great deal if stimulation in school, and maybe they miss it during the summer. Anyway, for the summer fighting we realized our kids were not occuppied enough; then we arranged for them to get different kid jobs, so they started working early.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When does school start? (Kids fighting) - 6/14/2008 7:16:30 AM
|
|
|
csl7037
Posts: 1365
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: NotDoneYet
The rest of the time, I just sort of ignored the fighting, and told them that if they bled on my carpets there'd be heck to pay.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that siblings fight...took me a long time to realize this, as I am an only child too...but, they survive it, and when they're all grown up (the first 5 are now between 18 and 25), they actually like each other!
Oh, and by the way...my mom and her sister (my mom is 75 and my aunt is 87) still occasionally fight (argue) like cats and dogs...comes from being 2 very different people!
I've kinda always done the same - not gotten too invovled in their arguing. That doesn't seem to have worked, though. I'd like to think they'll eventually grow up and be close but, even if that is true, the way they're behaving now is just unacceptable and I'm overdue in reigning this in.
quote:
ORIGINAL: pbaribeault
Since they behave in a civil way at school without a problem, then they need to realize that 'vacation' is a privilidge that you can take away.
I was thinking that too. I asked ds what would happen if he threw something at his friend Mia in his class when she made him mad. He can and does control himself at school and he WILL do so here. Dd's friends (the 3rd grade girls), however, are actually pretty vicious. During the school year, sometimes I wondered if she was treating ds the way she was because that's how she was getting treated at school all day. Regardless, it has to stop this summer!
Thanks, everybody.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When does school start? (Kids fighting) - 6/14/2008 9:17:25 AM
|
|
|
zoebob
Posts: 8862
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: land of limbo
Status: online
|
For the 3 years my kids were in schools we had this problem too: well for the girls who were the ones in the school. I think it was actually worst when DD1 was in school and DD2 wasn't yet. They would fight for the first 2 weeks of summer and then get to be friends again and get along all summer. Then when school started and DD1 left every day it took DD2 a couple weeks to get used to NOT having her sister around. Christmas was the worst because they would just get used to having each other around and be friends again for about 1 day and then it was back to school. I agree it is easier because we HS and they are around each other all day/every day.
_____________________________
L-R: DD1, Ellies DS2, DD2, Ellies DS1
L-R: Ellies DD1, Ellies DD2, DS, Ellies DS3
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When does school start? (Kids fighting) - 6/14/2008 9:39:10 AM
|
|
|
Auben
Posts: 1634
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Where pines tower and cranberries float
Status: offline
|
Being from a family of 4 siblings, and one where all the siblings were close in age, I was used to the 'fight' phenomenon. Basically public school kids are rewriting/renegotiating the rules to their relationship every time there is a major change in schedule. As a teacher you see a little bit of that at school for the first few weeks as well (although kids are a lot more inhibited at school and have more distractions).
Honestly, I just got on it early. My oldest is more aggressive and controlling and my 2nd son is more of a people-pleaser. I made it very clear early on that inconsiderate behavior was not okay and that anyone who acted rudely would have consequences from me as well as any natural consequences.
We spent a lot of time talking about how we act to people and then how people respond to us. We talk about long term consequences of treating people badly. We talk about how Jesus acted to people and we evaluate our actions and if they are 'the Jesus way.'
People who can't treat others with respect verbally or physically often find themselves with extra work or physically separated from the group or denied fun time privileges or dates with friends ('if you treat your brother/sister badly, then how can we allow you to go to your friend's house? You have to learn to respect other people before you can spend time away from our home').
We don't have much fighting here. It does pop up occasionally (they are human beings) but we don't have the seasonal fighting I hear so much about (and remember between my brother and sister). When it does happen I deal with it quickly and each of my children knows that their lives are much more fun without it.
_____________________________
Tamara
~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When does school start? (Kids fighting) - 6/14/2008 12:43:24 PM
|
|
|
csl7037
Posts: 1365
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline
|
Just sent them to their room again. This will either change or it'll be a long boring summer looking at the same four walls alone.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: When does school start? (Kids fighting) - 6/14/2008 3:31:54 PM
|
|
|
garsyt
Posts: 2276
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: the bottom of the laundry basket
Status: offline
|
Your know what tho? SOMETIMES LONG and BORING is sometimes what it takes. And it won't take forever.
We just finished our 2nd week of summer break - and I laid down the law IMMEDIATELY, just like I do every summer. All bickering and fight gets you in my house is extra chores and time spent ALONE. NO friends, no special activities, no time outside, no special snacks - basically NOTHING! This is the rule for ALL of my children from the 7 year old all the way up to the 14 year old. My eldest nearly missed out on a laser tag birthday party this past week because he just wouldn't stop instigating problems with the younger ones. A day of extra chores - including mowing our yard and part of the neighbors for free - cured his bickering real quick.
but to be fair - think about it a bit. you get used to a routine and doing the same thing day after day after day - then there's no routine, no schdule that must be followed. Then add to that the only people you see day in and day out are the same few people that are ALWAYS there. Add to that boredom. And things are going to get tense and fights are going to happen. It's how you react and how consistent you are that matters the most.
quote:
If you want this to stop right away your action needs to be clear, strong and without much lead time. There are a lot of ways to go with that, but here's what I'd do.
Tomorrow morning, before they wake or have a chance to speak to each other make a nice breakfast (pancakes, bacon, juice, berries... yum) and call them to the table. Eat and drink, but require them to listen to a sort-of sunday school class.
Tell them that you think the whole family has had a frustrating week -- not only is the heat hard to cope with, but that them two have been bothering each other and getting upset. Talk from that section in James about how the tounge controls the body like horse's bits & ship's tillers (explain these in detail) and that's how the way they have been speaking to each other has been 'steering' your family's days into frustration.
So, adults are supposed to just obey the Bible, but kids get rules & consiquences. What you require between them is civil words & behaviour (don't require friendliness) Since they behave in a civil way at school without a problem, then they need to realize that 'vacation' is a privilidge that you can take away.
Set up a 'desk' for each of them (a chair at a table, desk, dresser or countertop) equipped with paper, pencils/pens, a book or two that might interest them, possibly pencil crayons etc. If they are civil, they can be on vacation and do as they like. If they are not you will impose 'school rules' for a reasonable length of time (say 15 minutes for the first offence, double for back talk or delay, and for a second offence that day)
For this weekend, you must supervise them constantly (do shifts with hubby). If you hear even the beginnings of incivility, or what you understand to be a warm-up to it, you clap you hands (blow a whistle, shake a maracca -- whatever) If you hear one word (or action) beyond that, the person instantly is sent to their desk. If they have anything to say, they can use the time to write it out for you. (Be prepared to read it & respond, even to apologize if they have a point, but at the time you are sole judge and any resistance results in doubling)
After the weekend, revert to usual supervision levels, but be sure to remain an enforcer. Don't be afraid to punish both if both are involved, no matter who 'started it' -- only exempt a child who walked away, remained calm or silent or called your attention in a non-vindictive way (because vindictiveness is not civil, so counts as an offense).
They will soon learn to play nice and take breaks from one another as they need to. Definitely encourage them to have some alone time. Oh, and I wouldn't have guests for the kids during this training week.
You might want to follow this up in a couple of weeks with more studies like the idea that a person's words show the status of their heart and the value of loyalty and friendship.
THIS IS EXCELLENT!
Oh and my children do have REQUIRED activities, academic, physical, creative, and service oriented, that they do all summer long. I keep them busy - the busier they are the less time they have to bicker and fight. But this doesn't mean that they don't have down time. Right now my 7 year old is at a friend's house. My 14 and 9 year old boys are watching Lion King 1 1/2, and my 10 year old is writing a new blog post. We had soccer earlier for the 9 year old, then we went to the zoo and a nearby museum that is closing at the end of the month.
Anyway - you'll make it!
Blessings,
Garsy
_____________________________
My Blog: www.moredayslikethisplease.wordpress.com
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
My kids are home year-round, so it isn't something we experience. 
