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Why do these thoughts haunt me. - 5/9/2008 12:25:47 PM
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FayOTO0102
Posts: 33
Joined: 8/27/2007
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I need help with something that has been a struggle for me for a few years. Right now it isn’t so bad but Im so sick of its sometimes constant nagging in my head Im ready to understand SOMETHING, whats wrong with me, It it there for a reason.. etc etc. I just wan to make sure Im normal and or how I can have a healthy mentality
This is going to be so long and IM going try and keep it short without skipping vital info so I don’t blame anyone if they don’t read this. INCASE there is some wise knowledgeable person that can help me, I am posting anyway.
The “problem” in a nut shell is an on and off, sometimes way too consistant nagging thought process of one of my ex boyfriends (from High School no less) I have been holding my self worth ( I think) up to this disasterious past relationship/breakup on and off for almost 7 years.
Here is the details of our relationship back then. The Ex Im talking about’s name is Sam. So its HS senior year and I was (and still am) a Christain girl looking for a Christian guy and looking to get out of the relationship I was currently in going on 2 years. I have known Sam since Kindergarden, but he was always a huge nerd so I never really talked to him all those years growing up. I was a borderline popular girl but stayed out of trouble for the most part. Even though I had made some mistakes in the sextual category with my current boyfriend I REALLY wanted to move on to a good Christian guy. I always seemed to be attracted to different guys, guys that most girls don’t usually like (that’s must of us Christian girls though I guess! Lol) So here comes Sam who my senior year ends up being in like 4 out of my 7 classes a day. The class I seemed to fall for him In was guitar class cause guess what. HE COULD PLAY! Wow I feel head over heals but I fought it so much because he was… Sam:/ Long story short I couldn’t resist my very strong developing feelings I had for him based in his talent, funny sense of humor and you guessed it, he clamed to be the big C. At my maturity level, saying he was one was good enough. We both broke up with our current gfs/bfs and started going out. The relationship got involved too quickly, emotionally and physically though I NEVER had actual sex with him. (not that that means much). Besides falling for him over his talent and sometimes bad boy attitude I just LOVED the idea that he felt blow away by getting to be with a girl like me. He even told me he always liked me but NEVER thought he’d have a chance with me. I was on cloud nine. To see how crazy I drove him, even though he was a hard shell to crack made me feel like a queen. I got over his dorkyness real quick and he even became a bit more “popular that year due to his relationship with me.
Well only a few months after the relationship started his mean side started coming out. He was mean to me here and there as if he was almost jelious. I will have to admit I think I was a bit demanding too. He also became more and more pressuring in the sextual area. I learned quicker and quicker that he was a REAL hornball. He admitted to having weird sextual fantacies about me even before we got together. Again unfortunately I did give in to his desires but NEVER had actual sex. Our relationship turned into one where we would fight every other day. He said very hurtful things to me at times, and I retaliated. At one point I really put my foot down and told him we were NOT doing anything sextual again because I wanted us to have a healthy relationship that God honored. He fought it most of the time and was very mean but there was occasional times it seemed he was trying to be good for me.
So for a whole year the relationship went from maybe 3 months of cloud nine to major disfunction and fighting. I didn’t know if I was meant to be with him but I knew I wanted him to treat me right 1st. I was SO infatuated with him for all the wrong reasons I think. I know I was selfish a lot but most of my desires were ones he should have wanted as a Christian too.
SO as the relationship came to an end and was at its worst we were talking about what we should do and I mentioned “should we just call it off” and he said NO. The very next day he mentions that we should date other people because we aren’t happy now.. That he does love me and wants to marry me someday but right now he feels like everything revolves around him pleasing me. That he doesn’t want to have sex before marriage but just get away from each other and date. I was tore up but agreed, I asked him to pray with me about it and for some reason he wouldn’t.
For a week or more I left him alone. I took the plan serious. He even asked me to come to his Church (which I was never a huge fan of going to, kinda crazy small Church) and I said no so we could stick to our plan. I think his parent pushed him to do that because the LOVED me so much. After a few days I found out he was hanging out with this girl from his Church who had quite a reputation if you know what I mean. He even always made fun of her for being slutty but here he was starting to date her. Once I found that out I knew what was up.. he wanted to move on to her… and probably get what he always wanted, sex. I called him one last time and ripped him apart. His parents and family were so upset because they loved me so much and they knew of this girls reputation.
After our break up we didn’t talk for months but I got wind that he started sleeping with her pretty darn quick. After those few months I got a few different calls from him, some late at night, telling me he was having problems with her, admitting he started sleeping with her, never really saying he missed me but saying things like our 1st kiss was better than anything with her, that he felt he had a sex addition problem, he even said I love you when getting off the phone. Very mixed signals but I was just happy that we had an ok conversation because there was always tension of running into him in our fairly small town. REALLY it just felt good to know that even though I was out of the mess that was him, that after all the rejection and pain I felt from him, that he Maybe knew he missed out on a great girl and it made my self esteem recover quite a bit. See, him breaking up with me and moving on to sleep with her REALLY put me down. I felt like the biggest loser. Here this guy that I had felt I gave a chance ends up rejecting me. Even though I had a lot of closure with him saying those “nice” things, and he did it even a couple more times, I still thought about him more than I ever wanted to, I still felt rejected.
I would get wind of all the drama (worse than ours) that Sam and the girl he rejected me for had, and sometimes it made me feel better. ( I know that is aweful) I learned though, to push those feelings aside. There were times I didn’t think about him much but other times when I was single and alone it really stung to know he was still with that girl. I wondered, what was it about her over me, is he nice to her, even though Id heard all the bad stories, the grass always looked greener because I was so alone. I knew and have always known since we were together that he was bad news but SOMETHING about him tugs at me. He even started, drinking, smoking, doing drugs etc etc. but yet his continued to haunt my thoughts on and off.
Eventually he married the girl a few years ago and they have a kid.. actually I think it slightly happened the other way around.
I really did get to a point where I felt like I understood why thoughts of my ex haunted me. There was naturally pain and rejection there, Im a pretty prideful person, there are constant reminders of him in our small town, including seeing him occasionally on the road etc. PLUS I hate to do the whole devil thing, but I do think he takes the very things that bother us the most and pushes them in our face too keep us from being the person God wants us to be. Also I believe God used it as a reminder during my trial and error of REALLY finding the man God had for me.. And I did learn so much from it.
And I finally did! After other trials and error dating I learned a lot. I learned you can be REALLY infatuated with someone and it comes with strong feelings BUT it might not be what is right and it might not be real love. I think that is what I had for SAM. Part of me did wish he would straighten up, and maybe if he would have and we both matured it could have been real but it never came close to that. Same with others I dated after.
So finally I fall in love with a guy (my now husband Ryan) for all the right reasons. He is a genuine good God fearing guys, has respected me from day one on everything, holds the same moral values (like for REAL this time!). Though he didn’t initially catch my attention like Sam and others with a crazy talent, bad boy attitude, this or that outward stuff, it was something deeper. While dating Ryan I was so happy I had found the real thing, I realized that certain strong feelings don’t have to define true love developing, its deeper. Yes there are feelings but.. I dunno its different. I still started to struggle with feelings of rejection when reminded of Sam but we had not made contact and the fact that he had turned into a drinking/smoking loser made me feel less worthless over the whole thing.
Here is where hauntings of Sam came back and have bugged me on and off since, AGAIN... at this point Ryan and I are engaged and Im so happy right…. I have a myspace where I had been catching up with old friends etc etc. Out of NO where I get a friend request from Sam and he also sends one to Ryan (doesn’t even know Ryan). I figure oh ok, he is just catching up with people like I am. He messages me a few times and I always answered but left the conversation dead ended so not to continue further. HE really didn’t say more than small talk but I just never let it go further so maybe he detected that. The biggest thing that caught my attention was someone was blowing up visiting my Blog everyday (there is a link to it from my myspace page. My blog has a IP tracker and with ease I was able to see it was Sam. Even as curious as I was I did pretty good for a while of not letting it steal too much of my attention and time. I figured eh, he is probably having problems with her AGAIN and doing like he did when he called me those other times in the past. I would look at his page occasionally but I was to prideful and also knew it would be best to just not look. I have to admit I enjoyed seeing he read my blog and visited my page so often. There was a point though that it seemed so much (multiple times a day) that it almost freaked me out. I told Ryan about it, as I also had been open with Ryan over my hurt with Sam in the past. Him “stalking” my page started a year before Ryan and I’s wedding and kept strong! I guess I should have deleted my page or deleted him as a friend BUT I was A) afraid it would look bad on me, and B) I was starting to make a fun game of watching him look (not good I know). I did though stop doing myspace and blog stuff for a while because I was so busy with our wedding plans, but when I did look, sure enough he had been looking. When I did get curious enough to look at his page I noticed he always had heartbreak/ I miss you type songs on his page. I noticed Multiple different songs, spread out over months and it just seems too quencedental. I KNOW.. crazy that I even tried to put it all together, but I swear what I gathered was from the few times I looked. I did however start anylizing too much. Again weird and a waiste of time but I kept telling myself, eh Im just having fun knowing someone might miss me. No harm.
At this point I was so happy with where my life was going with Ryan I REALLY got to the point where I just started hoping Sam could work things out with his wife, give all his attention to his little girl and I even started praying for him. He continued to visit my pages months after Ryan and I got married and believe me I blew up my page and blog with exciting news of our wedding new life and eventually purchase of a new home just so he would know I was happy with my life.. I was over the whole knowing he may miss me thing I had the health mentality of hoping his life is good and that he would not obsess over me anymore. Finally here in the last few months I have noticed he has stopped viewing almost cold turkey.. Which is good right! I got curious to see if he even gets on his page anymore and he does.
This is what bothers. Me. Though Ive still struggled with haunting thoughts of Sam I had finally felt like I knew what was going on in my mind and that I was normal to have some of the prideful, scaring pain, feelings I had with frequent thoughts and reminders of Sam. I felt I knew how to let God help me shut the devil down when he started using those thoughts to tear me down.
Now I find myself wishing he was still looking at my pages and I don’t know why! Am I really that insecure! Nothing in my life is wrong. Things are GREAT with me and Ryan, we are SO blessed.
Ive found that after all that learning and battle there is still something about Sam that gets to me.. What is it!!!! Why must thoughts of impressing him haunt me. Am I still not over the rejection,because dear Lord he is such a loser so that should be enough, the fact that he has pretty much shown that he possibly regrets hurting me should be enough, that he stalking of my blog for like a year and a half, why cant I take that, continue to pray for him and thoroughly enjoy my wonderful life without nagging thoughts of him haunting me. Its not like its ruening my life right now but I just don’t want it there at all… Im kind of a perfectionist if you will.. I feel like its not healthy I want to be a stronger more confident person ya know. Is God trying to teach me more? What is it about this Stupid ex.
I know this is SO long and probably confusing.. If anyone understand and has some feedback please let me know what you think. I know this can sound so psycho and I promise Im not. Im just being open and looking for encouragement in the right direction on this subject.
Thanks!
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RE: Why do these thoughts haunt me. - 5/9/2008 1:12:11 PM
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derek_from_canada
Posts: 455
Joined: 7/28/2007
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I guess, for the same self-centered reason that guys want to conquer girls,
girls want to be desired..
perhaps you want to be wanted by everyone, especially that Ex that was a "bad boy". It's nice to feel that you made such an impression and how much he still is interested. It's an ego boost perhaps. But it's an empty one in the end.
Advice? I guess capture those thoughts before you dwell on them.
Best bet is to fill your life with other things, more of Ryan,
how about giving more (time/attention) to Ryan and thinking less of what you are getting in return? (and Ryan will likely give you more in kind)
who of us fallen humans really deserves any love or kindness? God gives us Grace, human love is but an imperfect shadow of His perfect Love.
The Philosopher,
Derek
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RE: Why do these thoughts haunt me. - 5/9/2008 1:38:57 PM
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FayOTO0102
Posts: 33
Joined: 8/27/2007
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Thank you SO much for you wise words.. wow. Thank you for patiently reading my story too, geeesh! lol I know it was alot.
You are so right... and it is just what I wanted to comfirm, is that my feelings are natural, especially for a girl and I just need to control my thoughts more... Its so empty to chase after a cheap ego boost. I have SO much to be proud and thankful for, especially Ryan.. He is amazing and instead of dwelling on this stuff that is so obvously self centered I need to enjoy giving more to Ryan, or others at Church or whoever! I need to start working on being selfless. Hopefully I can find a healthy boost in my life through God in doing those things..
Thank you thank you!
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RE: Why do these thoughts haunt me. - 5/9/2008 8:11:53 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3421
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
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Is this the same guy you referred to in THIS thread you started on the same subject last year? If so, why not go back and read the advice you were given there...much of it still applies.
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
I weep for those who won't experience this because they have been deceived.
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RE: Why do these thoughts haunt me. - 5/10/2008 9:39:59 PM
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Sadey
Posts: 482
Joined: 7/25/2007
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Close down your myspace page and stay off of the internet for 6 months.
He is like a drug to you. Also could this be a vengful spriit on your part?
You are trying to get even for him dumping you? Pride goes before a fall?
If you don't bring this to a screeching halt you could lose your husband over this. You are playing with sin and need to turn from it.
I think its time to grow up and put this behind you. If you can't do it on your own get some Christian counseling. How many years are you going to agonize over this? You are wasting your life on this man. Go back and read your post and ask yourself if you really want someone like that or is it because he is someone you can't have?
Please stop this before something happens and you lose your marriage.
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RE: Why do these thoughts haunt me. - 5/12/2008 10:58:12 AM
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FayOTO0102
Posts: 33
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Thanks again derek_from_canada
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RE: Why do these thoughts haunt me. - 5/12/2008 7:51:18 PM
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preserved
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kat_D
Is this the same guy you referred to in THIS thread you started on the same subject last year? If so, why not go back and read the advice you were given there...much of it still applies.
I am with you Kat_D...I thought this thread sounded like a familiar story
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RE: Why do these thoughts haunt me. - 5/12/2008 7:57:16 PM
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preserved
Posts: 1218
Joined: 6/12/2007
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Fayoto0102...
Based upon this thread and the other thread...You really do not know nor realize what you have now meaning you husband....
Why are you on the MYspace in the first place? Why do you keep peeping at your past? Your thoughts should have been controlled when you met Ryan and married...Now I am wondering did you married because your ex-boyfriend did? How long do you think your husband is going to continue to allow you to visit the ex-my page?? Or does he know how much time you are spending viewing? Pride is a sin and if you do not get control of it...it will control you...
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RE: Why do these thoughts haunt me. - 5/13/2008 12:47:47 AM
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peacebearer
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i think you got used to the huge emotional highs and lows that came with your relationship with Sam. you probably felt more alive than you ever did. with guys who are more mild and 'normal', there isn't all this high drama and emotional upswing/downswing. this kinda stuff is actually addictive over time. treat it like drug withdrawal. rehabilitation. get to understand the way your mind and emotions work and how they respond to different people. if you can, detach and observe yourself. you'll learn a whole lot about why Sam affects you the way he does. there's something in you that responds to his type.
a lot of girls seem to have this 'savior' complex, if that's the right name for it...
_____________________________
"For to me to live is Christ, to die is gain" Philippians 1: 21
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RE: Why do these thoughts haunt me. - 5/15/2008 12:30:02 AM
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FayOTO0102
Posts: 33
Joined: 8/27/2007
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"So, in other words, *Fingers in ears* "La-la-la-la-la" to the rest of you."
-Naaaaa.. I was simply looking for more and additional fresh perspective, didn't expect people who apparently live on here to remember and bring up my past thread when its kinda apparent Im looking for more/fresh advice.. And No Im not disregarding the last... Im simply still struggling on and off with it and want to kick it for Good.
"Now I am wondering did you married because your ex-boyfriend did?"
-Keep your wondering to yourself.. really not useful advice and quite insulting actually. I was in No hurry to get married and fell truely in love with Ryan. I feel 100% sure Ryan is who God had in mind for me.. Im not even going to explain myself on this anymore because its a waste of time to me.. "THANKS" though...
" i think you got used to the huge emotional highs and lows that came with your relationship with Sam." "this kinda stuff is actually addictive over time. treat it like drug withdrawal"
THIS is exactly the kind of advice and reminding I need. Thank you. This sounds like you actually read my thread and looked past the certain outward parts of the story, (and I know how fishy it can sound though believe me) and realize the actual details of the mind struggle Im facing. its NOT that Im still in love with Sam (not sure I ever was), Its NOT that Im not happy with my husband, Its NOT effecting the health of my marriage (though I know it could as pride can destroy alot, and the Devil uses our weaknesses to destroy), And I KNOW my marriage with Ryan has nothing to do with anything except for how much we love each other and God.
What you said has alot to do with my mind struggle with Sam. It is a sickness.. with him it was not only the intense emotional (1st time) highs I experienced with him but the deep hurt and rejection that causes me to hold my self worth REPEATEDLY over his rejection of me. The fact that he still lives in the same smaller town as me and we have alot of mutual friends makes it harder to get away from.. like I said Ive had some major ups and downs with it. I KNOW KNOW KNOW the myspace thing did not help and I swear it was the last thing I needed the day he sent me that request because I was doing SO GOOD. I know I shouldnt have excepted it and I know I need to kick it but I dont feel Im going to go as far as delete my page, I have to much else going on with it, that has nothing to do with him.. Im not comfortable deleting him either because now, 2 years later, it would be weird. I should probably not hold that as a concern but I really want to STAY past this without having to sacrifice my page. I know I can do it because I have gotten past it for decent amounts of time.. I just need to beat the struggle for good. For some reason when I posted this the other day it was really bothering me again out of no where so I wrote that book about it again.. It seems to hit me sometimes when Im PMSing.. THIS week I was like.. pshhh why was I letting that bother me again!.. (crazy female emotions)
Peachbearer has almost hit the nail on the head. Even though Im so happy with Ryan our relationship is different than those highs that I experienced when going after bad boys like Sam (there were a few others so I HAVE observed my emotions around those kind of guys a few times). Even though those emotions are so strong it doesnt mean its what is right. What Ryan and I have is deeper, true, and based on the right things. God knows we can all have strong feelings for the wrong things in life right!? Well.. like he/she said, lots of girls have complexes including unhealthy ones that cause them to feel like they need the approval/attention of bad guys.
I observe with myself sometimes that I don't like how much attention and sensitivity Ryan shows to me ( again at times, but not all the time) and I feel myself wishing he would ignore me some or even be kind of distant to me. I could never figure out if its because that is how my personality is at times OR if It makes me feel special to have a guy who is with me but reserves his emotion and when he does break down and show me extra attention/emotion it REALLY makes me feel special (part of the bad boy attitude). It is not that Ryan smoothers me.. I dunno its hard to explain.. He is just a GOOD GUY! which is why I am so blessed, and I know how to identify my silly feelings and not let it keep me from appreciating all the loving attention he thankfully gives me unconditionally..
Im no psychologist but I know that the attention/relationship you had with your parents plays a HUGE roll in how you relate with others, and maybe even your attraction to the opposite sex. My father was and still is very distant. He is a good dad but at one time he was a bad alcoholic and on drugs when I was younger. Anyway, all through my life he has really never shown too much emotion to me in some ways, it is hard to keep his attention, And so when I did get his attention it made me feel so special.. I guess maybe when I was younger I may have felt somewhat rejected by him. As time went on (and as he completely sobered up) He did express more emotion and attention towards me, and became a very loving father. He is still hard to relate to in ways to this day though.
< Message edited by FayOTO0102 -- 5/15/2008 12:42:05 AM >
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RE: Why do these thoughts haunt me. - 5/15/2008 12:36:15 AM
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FayOTO0102
Posts: 33
Joined: 8/27/2007
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OH yeah and I wanted to clerify this again. I DO NOT look at his page very often at all, Im quite good at keeping myself from peaking actually.. my real obsession came with watching him look at mine. Every once in a while my curiousity gets the best of me and I peak, and actually its usually when Im less bothered with my mind struggle over him.
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RE: Why do these thoughts haunt me. - 5/15/2008 10:08:40 AM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3421
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: FayOTO0102
OH yeah and I wanted to clerify this again. I DO NOT look at his page very often at all, Im quite good at keeping myself from peaking actually.. my real obsession came with watching him look at mine. Every once in a while my curiousity gets the best of me and I peak, and actually its usually when Im less bothered with my mind struggle over him.
You are married and you are sinning against your husband each and every time you look at this guy's page or watch him look at yours.
On one hand you attempt to reduce the seriousness of what you are doing, but in the next sentence you admit to having an "obsession" with this old boyfriend. An "obsession" by definition is a "fixation; consumption with belief, desire." Scary!
You, whether you want to admit it or not, are in trouble. You can attempt to justify it; put down those of us who remembered your story from before; or minimize the reality of what you are doing, but the fact remains that you are indulging in things that are disrespectful and hurtful to the man you married. You are partaking in some dangerous behavior, and by doing so, you are putting your marriage in jeopardy.
This was true a year ago and it's still true now.
Edited for clarity.
< Message edited by Kat_D -- 5/15/2008 10:15:52 AM >
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
I weep for those who won't experience this because they have been deceived.
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RE: Why do these thoughts haunt me. - 5/15/2008 4:43:31 PM
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SavedByGraceMD
Posts: 622
Joined: 2/13/2008
From: the poconos
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Dear FayOTO0102,
I know you will probably take this the wrong way, but I think you are looking for excuses to why you do the things you are doing. Your obsession with a guy, whom you said treated you badly is not healthy for your marriage. You talked about being prideful, but you also seem self centered, and do not know your self worth. Again this may come off as being harsh, but the truth usually is. I can only go by what I have seen you write, and no I don't know you. But it is time for you to put your past in your past for good. If your relationship with your husband is good and you want it to stay that way, you will devote all this time you spend thinking about the old guy, and focus on your marriage.
You are a child of God, and have immense worth to Him, stop worrying about what other people think of you, and focus on what you mean to Him, and to your husband. Give your husband the respect he deserves, and stop thinking about your ex.
Take care and God bless.
_____________________________
Romans 5:8
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
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RE: Why do these thoughts haunt me. - 5/15/2008 8:58:21 PM
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crh737
Posts: 613
Joined: 6/1/2005
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Faye~
You sound like you are having a self worth problem and that is why you cling to "bad" boys. Hoping that they need you so you can work on "saving" them. That is truly stinkin thinkin!
You need to know you are worthy to God who died for your sins. If you were the only person alive He still would have gone to the cross.
But everytime you peek to see if Sam was or has been peeking, you are essentially slapping God in the face. Rejecting the *good* man He chose to cherish you the way God wants to see you cherished. With love and affection.
Stop looking behind you, Lot's wife became a pillar of salt when she looked back. Look up and thank God for your new life with Ryan and all the blessings.
If you continue to look back, you will miss the other blessings that are waiting for you.
CRH
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RE: Why do these thoughts haunt me. - 5/17/2008 5:09:27 PM
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FayOTO0102
Posts: 33
Joined: 8/27/2007
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Thank you all for the good thoughts and words. I even went back and read threw the old post as I had forgotten there was some good points made there too for me to remember. I think I do have a self worth, self centered,.. something... problem (even if it is only on and off), This IS an obsession I need to get over. its not an obsession to be with Sam but to feel wanted by him and its NOT health. Your right. not being satisfied by Ryans cherishing of me and More so Gods is not good at all... I just dont understand it myself. I guess that is why I get on here.. I dont know why Im so tormented by this, and why it comes back to attack me as soon as Im doing so well and not even thinking about it. The thing I mentioned above in my attempt to "phyco anylize" myself I do think have alot to do with it. I just need to TRUELY let go of this and allow God to show me how he can heal me and how I can feel good about myself based on him and my MANY other blessings in life.. I need to let him show me rather than grabbing for things like watching Sam look at my page, feeding off of that. It went from a harmless things that feel in my lap to an obsession.
Thanks again and please pray for me if you can.
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