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bigger than a breadbox? - 5/6/2008 8:59:04 PM
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katehess
Posts: 3
Joined: 5/6/2008
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I love my husband with all my heart. He is a kind and gentle man who is patient beyond measure...BUT
He is a smoker. He says he smokes significantly less than he used to (from two packs a week to less than a pack in two weeks)and that I should just be patient until he can figure out a way to quit completely. He NEVER smokes in the house or around the kids but from time to time, I'll find a butt in the yard or a lighter in his pocket while doing the laundry and it justs disappoints me.
For me, having been in a marriage where there was substance abuse --albeit illegal drugs in that case, I just get freaked out about the clandestine satanic overtone that behavior takes. Finally, when he starts to talk about his faith in God and how God can move mountains, it sounds hollow because this one thing proves his faith is just as limited as mine--a very sobering thought indeed.
I don't want to make a bigger deal out of it but at the same time, I feel cheated that there is this part of him that he is deciding to deliberately NOT give to me but to the devil.
What's a loving wife to do?
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RE: bigger than a breadbox? - 5/6/2008 9:02:44 PM
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manda59
Posts: 5197
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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Did you know he smoked when you married him?
_____________________________
"I have nothing to add, except to agree with Manda."
(agapetos, July 2008)
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RE: bigger than a breadbox? - 5/6/2008 9:14:11 PM
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katehess
Posts: 3
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Yes, I knew. I trusted it was one of those things that he was going to quit. If by your question, you are implying I shouldn't change the rules in the middle of the game, then perhaps you are right. That is why I asked the question in the title of my message.
I still HATE it.
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RE: bigger than a breadbox? - 5/6/2008 9:56:35 PM
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manda59
Posts: 5197
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From: Hampshire, UK
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I just don't think that you can/should take something you knew about before you were married, and make an issue of it now.
He doesn't smoke in the house or in front of the children, so instead of getting all uptight about it, just pray for him and support him. Pray that God will heal him of the reasons why he smokes (which could go back a very very long way).
Stressing him out over the smoking, and pressurising him, is, by very nature likely to have the effect of making him want to smoke all the more.
_____________________________
"I have nothing to add, except to agree with Manda."
(agapetos, July 2008)
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RE: bigger than a breadbox? - 5/7/2008 1:36:32 AM
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UBarW
Posts: 40
Joined: 4/15/2008
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Having dealt with an addiction myself, I have to say that its not that easy.
Faith can move mountains, but we also have to rely on outside help to cure cancer. I am sure he can quit, with your help.
For me, I found it easy to quit when the motivation was sufficient. I had an image of my boys growing up remembering me with alcohol on my breath. That was enough for me to turn away from a bad, bad, habit. Its been 14 years now.
He will find his turning point...
_____________________________
Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act
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RE: bigger than a breadbox? - 5/7/2008 6:43:12 AM
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buckifn
Posts: 1690
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tell him how proud you are that he has been able to cut back so much,,,, if he has went from 2 packs a week to less than 1 in two weeks that is a HUGE accomplishment.
Figure out the price of cigarettes in your area and then figure out how much money he has been saving since cutting back. Then take that amount of money and go buy him something he really likes...with a note about how proud you are he has cut back so much.
In other words cut the criticism and find ways to build him up. Cutting someone down, listing their faults, criticizing their weak points is easy- building them up, offering 10 positives for every negative, praying for them daily, that is love.
Think about it this way- if you are fat and your spouse is telling you how fat you look everyday is that going to enourage you to lose weight?
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RE: bigger than a breadbox? - 5/7/2008 8:32:26 AM
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RHardin15
Posts: 257
Joined: 4/14/2008
From: Greenville, SC
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I know a few people that stopped cold turkey in faith, including my pastor. Just knowing how much a few of these smoked, I didn't even think what they did was possible. If that ever does happen, there has to be huge support from people around him. Usually that's not the way people quit though. Don't expect him to quit, especially if you knew he was a smoker when you married him. It's his choice to keep on doing it, even though it certainly is an unhealthy one. Support him through it all, reinforce the accomplishments that he has acheived. Pray that he sees that he can do anything through Christ, if he truely has the desire to quit.
Alot of addictions can be broken through 100% faith and trust in Christ. I've seen alot of it personally, so I know it happens. That doesn't mean it will be easy. Just a little side story here, our Church had a drug addiction recovery ministry before and as we told people just coming off a crack addition or something of that nature, as soon as you quit and let God take control of the situation, the devil gets ****ed. All of the sudden you start getting offered stuff for free that you only wished you had the money for before. Everyone will want you to just try a little more. Smoking isn't quite as extreme, but nicotine is still a drug.
_____________________________
DMP RACING WATCH ME RACE LIVE MONDAY NIGHTS!! (Next race 7/14)
Congrats to DMP's most recent winner (6/30, Milwaukee): Thomas Hazard
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RE: bigger than a breadbox? - 5/7/2008 9:12:31 AM
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Sadey
Posts: 482
Joined: 7/25/2007
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Please leave this poor man alione. As an exsmoker I can promise you that the more you complain and whine about it the harder it is for him to give up. It took God saying to me in a very loud voice, Throw those away, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
Are you sure you're mad about the smoking or is it something else? Maybe putting the ex's sins on this husband?
I think the Golden Rule would come in handy about now. Do you expect the same spiritual maturity out of yourself as you seem to demand of him? Don't you have some sin you are struggling with?
It came across to me that you are mad at him for not being better than you? I can't figure out why you are so upset at him when he is obviously winning his battle with cigarettes and instead of supporting him you are undermining him. Have you never struggle with somehting
Please reread Buckfin's post and do exactly what was suggested. I think I might have quit a lot sooner if I had had some loving support instead of being shamed in front of other people and made to feel like a complete faliure as a Christian and an human being.
Okay sorry for the venting but I feel so bad for your husband. Its so hard to feel like a failure when you are struggling with a sin and trying to give it up.
< Message edited by Sadey -- 5/7/2008 9:19:29 AM >
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RE: bigger than a breadbox? - 5/7/2008 11:31:57 AM
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katehess
Posts: 3
Joined: 5/6/2008
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I hear you all loud and clear. My struggle is just that...dealing with the struggles...you have given me such Godly advice that I can't help but to say thank you and I will keep you posted.
True to form, he insists I have nothing to apologize for; however, I owe him my support as he continues to make progress. We can do this together.
Peace and blessings, EVERYONE.
Thanks again.
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RE: bigger than a breadbox? - 5/7/2008 12:17:34 PM
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tiffywal
Posts: 51
Joined: 4/14/2008
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Pray for him. Don't fuss with him about it or get angry. Pray. I prayed for my hubby when he had a problem with dip (tobacco-copenhagen). I thought if I fussed and made him feel guilty it would make him want to stop. That only made him want to do it more. The only thing I told him was to think of our future and our children. Then I began to pray. It worked too. He gave it up.
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RE: bigger than a breadbox? - 5/7/2008 2:05:05 PM
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4agape
Posts: 6
Joined: 5/6/2008
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Okay....
I use to smoke and I smoke for almost 12 years. My husband (boyfriend then) nagged me to death. It drove me crazy and I would just go smoke a cigarette after he would say something. However, eventually I gave it up because of him. Let me explain:
However, I give him credit for bringing it up everytime I smoked because it drove me crazy to hear him say something....and believe me.....he did it every chance he got.....and that meant every time I smoked one. Therefore, before I even smoked one.....he would tell me, "Are you going to go smoke a cigarette."
If I was smoking outside after dinner, he would come all the way out there and start asking me questions and making comments such as "When are you going to quit?" "Why do you smoke a cigarette to relax?" "Other people quit!"
When I would smoke in the morning, he would make comments such as "You should be brushing your teeth in the morning not smoking" "Why do you take a shower and then smoke a cigarette, it makes you stink?"
No matter what he would make a comment. It was never a bad comment or a rude comment....just the truth being stated. He would bring out statistics on me and he research it to its fullest. It was really a bother to him and he made sure I knew just how awful it made him feel or think.
I have to admit...I would get angry when he would mention it to me....but every addicted person will get angry if you say anything regarding their "bad habit." Its the addiction that your dealing with and it has your husband under control. Addiction is an awful condition and it is very controlling.
My husband made me realize how bad the addiction was. He educated me on the subject and showed me facts. Then I started researching information in regards to smoking and cigarettes myself.
I had tried to quit cold turkey a number of times, but I was unsuccessful. After, 3 years of "wanting to want," I finally came to the point where I "wanted" to quit. I then sought professional help using the patch. I am a veteran; therefore the therapy and patches were free for me.
I have been smoke free for almost a 4 years now. Smoking is the biggest lie. Once you are free from it....you realize just how big of a lie it is. Your husband will know what I mean by it being a lie.
Now I am not saying to nag him to death.....but nagging worked for me. It got to the point to where I would much rather not hear him than smoke. I started listening because I could never enjoy my cigarette. Smoking was no longer a relaxing moment, but a moment that did not allow me to enjoy my cigarrette. He would show up and start drilling me. Man!!! I remember it very clearly. He made smoking uncomfortable to me; therefore, I was receptive to look for a way to deal with.
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs)...he never said anything hateful or rude. As a matter of fact, he would point out how worked up I would get when he would make truthful comments...which made me see how addicted and dependent I was on the cigarettes.
GOOD LUCK!
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