RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse wanted you to be?
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/13/2006 4:05:17 PM
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Psalms274
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From: Georgia
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quote:
I feel that as a woman I am built to be helpmate and perhaps see it not so much as loving their men conditionally but to help them be or look their best.
This is true also ... but I do not think it would ever be wise to marry a "fixer-upper" ... to me that indicates some major changes that need to occur ... and it is a job left best for the Holy Spirit. I think my role would be to help him to better himself and live out his dreams ... the ones that God has planted in his heart, but he hasn't been able to pursue to the fullest. But to make him into something else ... no.
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I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.
< Linus w/ a friends baby!
http://piswa.blogspot.com/
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/13/2006 4:14:34 PM
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Mrs.Above_All
Posts: 11989
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quote:
ORIGINAL: doinkdom
All of the things mentioned as expectations in this thread (men and women) only serve to reveal the real intention of our hearts towards our spouses.
And I would be mortified if my husband ever thought I placed such a high value within our marriage on anything other than our committment and love for one another. Even if the physical aspect of our marriage is in the extreme realm of importance, my expectations in that area only reveal my personal lust and sin because it is about what I want and not about the grace and mercy of God when he gifted me a husband in my life. Why am I not content with what God gave me?
When my personal expectations/demands start to rival what God expects in my marriage, then I have turned those requests, etc. into an idol. My focus is on my personal wants, desires and expectations to where I cannot appreciate anything else or even see an area in my marriage that God has provided for my continued sanctification.
Only the truly foolish would think that age and lifestyle do not affect our bodies, regardless of the amount of pressure in exercise, etc. that you put yourself through. Wrinkles happen, hair gets stringy as it gets longer, men's ears grow and all sorts of other interesting weirdness affects us.
And none of it should affect our marriage in any way.
Doinkdom, I hear what you are saying. But I think that the majority of us agree pleasing our spouses is a PART of that commitment and love for one another. It's easy to think that pleasing our spouses equals conditional love. And that is not the case. We please our spouses and want to do the best for them because we love them unconditionally. We often feel bad for telling our spouses what we like when really we shouldn't. I am not about extreme changes here. I am talking about the little things that keep the marriage alive.
For example, when we go out to interview for a new job, we should look our best right? We don't want to smell bad or have our hair look all tussled. If your SO went out looking like that would you hold back cause you don't want him or her to feel that they are not accepted for who they are? No, you would lovingly tell them that it would be best to comb their hair and look decent. But what about if there are no circumstances? What if you just want your SO to look nice for no reason at all? Would suggesting to them to change their hairstyle be selfish? Again, you need to look at the relationship. If it is built on a foundation of love and respect, pleasing your SO should not be a concern.
Besides, dolling up the man is fun! LOL! And the neat part is that the doll takes pleasure in being the doll. Really. When love exists, you see it that way.
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/13/2006 4:21:47 PM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Above_All
Besides, dolling up the man is fun! LOL! And the neat part is that the doll takes pleasure in being the doll. Really. When love exists, you see it that way.
I'll agree to that. I loved it when Michele played in my hair or fussed over me.
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Resistance is futile (if less than .25 ohms)
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/13/2006 4:25:13 PM
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lynnmoon
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And regarding the other side...I can't really speak for what "most men" do since I ain't one and don't know a large enough sample to even guess at it.
But aside from seriously disliking the terminology...I do hope that MOST people marry someone that they are pleased with as is on thier wedding day....But I also hope that they realize and are okay with the fact that life is going to happen and some change is going to come.
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Lynn
We have so much to be thankful for because we are each blessed beyond belief.
Come and count your blessings with me!
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/13/2006 4:46:06 PM
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Mrs.Above_All
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The only kind of man that would want to train them up is the kind that wants to be in complete control over their wife. The same goes for the woman. The only kind of woman that want to train them up is the kind that wants to be in control over their husbands. Let God sanctify us and let Jesus perfect us. Marry who you want to marry, someone who will love and support you and at the same not be afraid to express what pleases them. But to expect change? Uh, uh. Tis better to love than be loved.
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/13/2006 4:46:31 PM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: momfree
And no, your comparison still doesn't fly at all.
Before I say anything else let me ask one question. Why doesn't it fit? (and "it just doesn't" isn't a good answer. Tell me why his choice of clothes are different than her choice of hairstyle)
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Resistance is futile (if less than .25 ohms)
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/13/2006 6:07:26 PM
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SaranadeMe
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From: Southern California
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
I was looking through some older threads and came across
Who is more unrealistic: Men or Women? post 45 where the question was asked, What's more foolish, A man expecting his wife won't change or a woman expecting her husband will.
So I was wondering. If you're a woman, how hard would you work to stay what you are when you get married and if you're a man how hard would you work at becoming what she wants you to be?
Is it even reasonable to ask such things of our spouse?
I haven't really been following this thread but discovered my profound question in post 45 had inspired a whole thread. I feel so special. *GRIN*
I would find it very hard to stay what I am as a woman, simply because I'm constantly trying to improve. That means, by my very nature I'm not going to stay the same. Ideally I also want him to want to improve himself as well, but that doesn't mean by my standards either. I want him to be working hard at becoming the kind of person he wants to be.
And ultimately, I think the idea should be to become the person our spouse can be separated from, and bragged about behind the other's back, not just complemented to one's face.
And if my husband suddenly took on a frightening lack of common sense when it came to clothing, I would want to perhaps offer kind suggestions with the sense that neither one of us wants to embarrass the other.
If that doesn't work I will threaten that either he changes or I go out in a fuzzy pink bathrobe with my hair in curlers and wearing slippers.
 
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/13/2006 6:07:58 PM
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cheshirecat
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Pax2y_all
Super Thread, John_O!
I honestly would work, with all my ability, to make Judy as happy as possible--maybe to the point of spoiling her, long before we tie the knot. I don't mean that I would ever demean myself to please her--that just isn't in my nature to begin with,
But in all the other things a couple shares; yes, I would continually go out of my way to please my wife. And since, we're talking here about spouses (or at least I am), why would my spouse, assuming we have known each other long enough to get past the infatuation stage, want to change anything about me?
The marriage is a joinning, a completing--it is bonding, not plastic surgery. I sought out Judy because she fills the empty part of my life--as only she can fill it, with what I needed Judy to freely offer me.
During the dating stage, and throughout the committed, couple stage, such things as outright deal-breakers, or things that you don't care too much about the other person's habits (not character)--those should be openly spoken about in an assertive, not aggressive manner.
Deal with them entirely, or compromise about them, if they aren't deal-breakers. Set joint expectations for behaviors, and fully explain what you need, to feel loved by, and for, the other.
For example, I smoke cigarettes, not many, but a few a day. Judy knows this. She has made no point to me that I must give up the cigarettes before she will become anymore seriously involved with me.
Had she assertively done so, by telling me, "I need for you to quit. I don't like them around me, nor do I want you to smoke in front of my children," she would be telling me I must quit before we go any further in our relationship. Indeed, she would be assertively telling me that she needs to know I'll be strong enough, around long enough, for the super expenditure required from her to spend the rest of our lives together.
Here are three choices I could make:
(1) give up the four or five I smoke a day, because she is worth more than four or five weeds.
(2) refuse to quit at all. Tell her she has to adapt to my habit (that would be aggressive behavior on my part) I refuse to discuss this (I will not yield or compromise; you accept it or lose me).
(3) lie, tell her that I have quit--and until she's here, how's she going to know, anyway. We won't be joned at the hip in LV either. No doubt, with the few cigarettes I do smoke, I could work them around Hide them from) my Judy time.
#2 and # 3 are, in order, aggressive behavior (you must--or you lose); and lying outright, actual passive aggression. She cannot see me or tell I am lying, so she doesn't know, anyway. Either way, to continue any behavior that causes, or feeds Judy fears, is not a positive way to gain her trust, and in no way makes me respect her, as a person, should I get away with behavior that offends her.
An assertive discussion of all life's checks and balances, are essential to the completion of a couple, prior to marriage. Believe me, the union of your spirits, happens long before the pretty words are spoken over you.
In all areas of human intercourse between couples, honesty, the need to please, and reassure your spouse, should be your first human duty to him or her, after making certain they are right with the Redeemer.
I've read posts where women asked, "Would you that (sexual) thing with your husband to please him?" You might, but at what cost to you? Anytime either partner is demeaned during a sex act between a married couple, the act is, of its self, sinful.
Why? Because you have both promised each other that you would never knowingly harm the other; and you vowed before God to love, honor and cherish each other. When you get to the marriage bed, no one should be going there as a victim. In addition, if this is a second marriage, only the two of you should be entering the marriage bed, in the first place.
The Lord has provided you both with all the equipment necessary for a fulfilling, daily life together, including all the necessary parts for a satisfying sex life. The problem most couples I speak with face, is the loss of sexual interest. And, for most of them, it is due to external forces acting upon them, or former sexual experiences being taken into the marriage bed. Sexually, you should both be more interested in pleasing your partner, than pleasing yourself. That approach will usually bring about just the right blend of enthusiasm, from your partner, an enthusiasm you might have thought had vanished.
To sum up, I fully intend to do whatever pleases Judy, that doesn't take away my self esteem, or lower my self worth. Moreover, I will not allow her to do such things, to be demeaned by my petty desires. After all, Judy has voluntarily placed a Welcome Mat at the door to her life. She has not agreed to become my doormat. Nor has Judy ever agreed to be my victim, either. We have got a long way to go--to get to our marriage bed, anyway. Therefore, we have an equally long way to go to work out the kinks of couples' living.
Blessings,
Frank
Frank you are going to make me cry. I don't think I have ever felt so loved. People this is what it's all about.
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ROAWRRRR
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/13/2006 7:09:26 PM
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Mr.
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I probably won't be able to get into a drawn out discussion on this, but I'd say that I would try to change things or work on things for a wife within reason. It would depend on the woman I suppose, some may be a bit overbearing and I've learned I can't always please everybody even if I try. Each woman may have their own preferences, and there are somethings that they may like that would seem awkward for me, I'm sure. I would try not to be too set in my ways not to want to change or work on somethings.
As far as what I'd expect in a spouse, when it comes down to it, they make their own choices. I could give recommendations or encouragement, but ultimately it's up to the individual to choose. With some differences, I suppose it may not be a good thing to get too worked up over them. I don't believe I should be rude or demeaning, or use negative means to try to get them to do things the way I believe they should. If their personal safety or health was a concern, I may not passive as I would be with other things which are more of a preference.
Peace
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God is love
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/13/2006 7:21:59 PM
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spunky-gal
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
OK ladies, (and gentlemen) I've got one "yes it's true" and one "No it's not true" What do you think?
1. Do you think that men marry ready to move in. (That is, she's the way he wants her to be)
2. Do you think women marry fixer-uppers (that is, he's close but she'll still redecorate)
I will not pretend to speak for all men and women, but for me, I have to say that NO, it's not true. 
If and when I choose to marry someone, this will be part of the essence of our commitment TO EACH OTHER:
"I love you. I love who you are. I love the way you live your life in this world -- through your mind, body, and spirit. I commit myself to loving both who you are now AND who you will become. Because of my deep respect for you and myself, I will love, encourage, challenge, and trust you. I will not seek to either force or prohibit change in your life, nor will I try to control you. I will strive to bring you joy and honor through every aspect of my life. Together we will seek to glorify God through every word, attitude, and action."
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/13/2006 7:25:28 PM
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Mr.
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That's a nice way of putting it spunky.
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/13/2006 7:27:51 PM
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ContentedOne
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Boy, all these responses are very good and thought provoking IMO. HOWEVER, Frank, Frank, Frank!!!! That is an amazing post! Yours and Judy's love story is one that I personally have felt and do feel blessed that you both are willing to share with us. There are blessings and lessons in what you've stated and the respect that y'all demonstrate for one another.
I think that's what comes to my mind with John's original question. Marriage should be about respect. When you respect someone, you do care what the other person thinks and needs. I don't feel I look good with long hair and my significant other would understand that I need to feel good about myself and respect my choice in hair styles. Perhaps my significant other loves chinese for dinner and I don't. I'm pretty sure I can sacrifice and eat chinese for him to have that enjoyment. It's about giving and taking.... it's about respect.... it's about caring for and about another person.
When the pounds come, the hair goes, the backside widens, the ears grow hair, the wrinkles appear, etc., that heart will hopefully remain the same. I would hope that is the part of me most appreciated by my love and would be the uncompromising part of him as well.
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/13/2006 7:45:05 PM
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Elena1030
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ContentedOne
the backside widens
Ah yes, the manifest destiny of the rear-end: "Go sideways, young man!"
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/13/2006 8:45:32 PM
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BCW1969
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I have to go back to the title of this thread "How hard would you work at being what your spouse wanted you to be?" -----
My only response to that would be, if someone isn't all of what you are looking for and want in a person, why marry them in the first place, and try to make them something you really want???? why not just wait for someone to come along that is more of what you really want your future spouse to be??????????
Brad
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/13/2006 9:17:40 PM
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semperfidelis
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I'm not directing these comments entirely at Brad, but he asked the question, so....
quote:
My only response to that would be, if someone isn't all of what you are looking for and want in a person, why marry them in the first place, and try to make them something you really want???? why not just wait for someone to come along that is more of what you really want your future spouse to be??????????
Why?
Because we marry the person we have in front of us that we know well enough is what both want. Whether we like it or not, we do not marry the person that we are about to find out they really are, nor do we actually really marry the person that they will become. That is partly why we have vows and why it is so special. Most marriages are falling apart today because people have forgotten and/or not been taught to go in for the long haul. People haven't been taught several things: compromise, working together, 'til death do us part, and how to live with another person of the opposite gender. Parents used to teach that to their kids. They don't any more. We're expected and required to have that as young, mid, or older adults. But many don't.
It is not about trying to make them, OR yourself something you really want. I think that is why this whole thread is sidetracked. Read the title, and you'll see it is less about "me changing them" and more about "me changing for them". Now John_O might have stated the question one way to get a certain type of answer, and some people may have answered and tried to see through wording that may or may not be there. But think about it for a minute.
If you're reading this sentence in less than a minute, you're reading to fast. Go back.
What would you do to further be what your spouse wants you to be? Are you so disrespectful and unloving that you would not try to please them at all and have a hopeless attitude or try to guilt them? Or would you be equally unhealthy and either bend over backwards or require your spouse to bend over backwards?
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The man in the arena....
If I rise and succeed, it's because His hand has lifted me.
I may not have 3 greek letters but I have 2 latin words: SEMPER FIDELIS (no, I'm not a marine, but we like the same things)
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RE: How hard would you work at being what your spouse w... - 12/13/2006 10:16:20 PM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: momfree
quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
Maybe, just maybe, her appearance with the longhair she had when I married her keeps her looking healthier and I don't care how long it takes her to get ready? Maybe, just maybe, I'm willing to do more around the house (I'm well trained to do everything) to give her more time to herself?
Emphasis mine. All of your posts about this are slathered with selfishness honestly. You don't care? It's obvious you don't.
You're misreading what I wrote. Let me try again. Most men get upset that their wives take so long getting ready. (Michele was a solid hour minimum even with short hair) What I was saying in that post was "go ahead sweetheart, take as long as you need" Not "I don't give a flying leap how long it takes you | | |
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