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RE: Dancing to a different drummer - 10/27/2007 10:04:04 PM
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agapetos
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I saw my dentist on Wednesday. He's going to make me something to use because my doctor thinks that I am clenching my jaw and/or grinding my teeth and getting headaches. I go back next week to make sure it fits properly.
Saw my nurse on Thursday. I'd cancelled my last appointment because I wasn't feeling well so it had been a while since I'd really talked with him even though I'd seen him once or twice.
Blood test on Friday. The phlibotomist I saw was the one who did the wrong test before (I asked for thyroid and she did lithium). I'll be a bit upset with her if she'd got it wrong again....
It seems as though it was many years ago, but it wasn't quite that long ago, I was a student. So that I could survive, I took out a student loan. This was a government thing and had really low interest. You weren't expected to repay anything for the first 5 years after graduating and then you had to earn a certain amount before you needed to start repaying (it's currently around £2000). If you weren't earning that much you could have the load deferred for a year. I sent my loan deferrment off (during the postal strikes  ) and it never made it. I only just realised this last week. I phoned the company and asked if they'd got the form yet but they hadn't.
The lady I spoke with was really helpful. She organised another form to be sent out to me and told me what proof of income I needed to send back. I got the form on Friday and sent it back with copies of my proof of income so they should have it early next week.
But, what she also said, was that as I'd been ill I could apply to have the loan deferred for 3 years, instead of the ususal 1 year. I need to get a letter from my GP/consultant to say that I'm ill, but that shouldn't be too difficult. It will be really good if it happens. I guess my GP/consultant could say they wouldn't do the letter... 
I watched a programme about the 30th anniversary of Roots today. Had been on earlier in the week, but I hadn't got round to watching it. Do you remember what you were doing back then? The programme said how it seemed to take the US by storm, everyone was watching it. I can remember watching it. It was shown here over Easter. I was allowed to watch it, then I was really ill (my parents thought I had whooping cough) and went back to school 2 weeks late!
I have to say, the whole thing has made me really think. I can remember when I was in primary school my class did an assembly on the end of the slave trade. I know now that it wasn't as totally accurate as it could have been and we didn't really look much at what life was like for the slaves (but then I may simply have forgotten that part). But it never occured to me that black kids (I don't actually remember being at school with any until we moved to London when I was 10) were any less intelligent or capable than any of the white kids. I know it happened, but I just can't imagine anyone calling someone such names based on the colour of their skin.
When I went to boarding school one of the girls in my year had a father who worked for the UN. She was a black girl and we all thought her rather amazing because her father was a fairly big man in the area of Africa he was from and that made her almost (if not fully) royalty! Other than being royalty, she was a pretty normal kid... spoke with a somewhat American accent though  ... but there were other girls Asian, Saudi's, HK Chinese, Thai and the thought of someone calling them names (or them calling a white girl names) just wasn't there... we had arguments and such, but there was no racial name calling...
I wonder what would happen if Roots was shown today. I know that Haley was criticised for the accuracy of the book as far as his family line goes, but the facts of how these people were abducted and sold as possessions and treated so horrifically wasn't wrong.
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RE: Dancing to a different drummer - 10/30/2007 9:55:19 PM
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agapetos
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quote:
So this guy comes up to me and says "what's the vision? What's the big idea?" I open my mouth and words come out like this…
The vision?
The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.
The Vision continued (and worth reading)...
I read 'The Vision' several years back and it affects me as much now as it did then. There's just something about it. I don't know if you've ever heard of 24-7 or been in a prayer room. I went to a Christian conference some years back and heard one of the guys behind 24-7 speak. A prayer room had been set up in one of the buildings. It was quite incredible to see the vast range of media (could be the wrong word there ) people used in their prayer life in these rooms. There was so much space for people to stand, sit, kneel, lay, dance as they prayed.
I sat and prayed for a time and sometimes just sat. It was quiet, calm and peaceful in that room, although on the other side of the door I knew there was so much hussle and bussle going on. Mixed in with the calm and the peace of the room though, there was something exciting and thrilling and alive. The written prayer, the painted prayer, the dented cushions of where someone had sat or knelt all seemed to be shouting out the prayers that had been spoken in the room. There seemed to be a very real and visible direct line to God and my prayers would simply join all those others.
I believe that God hears all prayers but sometimes when I sit and pray at home I feel that I'm in the deepest, darkest dungeon and any prayer will be absorbed (and so killed) into the walls before it is ever heard. What strength comes from having more people praying together?
< Message edited by agapetos -- 10/31/2007 5:06:35 PM >
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RE: Dancing to a different drummer - 11/12/2007 5:03:53 PM
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agapetos
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Well, my friend's grandmother took the day off work on Friday to recover from her birthday dinner (which ended at gone 11pm). She had a good time by all accounts though.
I have housegroup tomorrow. I'm wondering if it will be as entertaining as it was last week . Isn't it strange how most people can pretty much think along similar lines most of the time and then suddenly... there's just one person who's thinking can seem a little off...
We were talking about what happens when we (as Christians) die. Several of us agreed that if we aren't instantly in heaven with our Lord, we won't ever be aware of that fact (because we'd be on God's time) ~ so it will be as though we've died and then we're in heaven even though many years may have passed in human terms. I should actually quote the scripture we were reading and the question posed but they're downstairs and I'm not! Anyhow, our thoughts turned to those who weren't Christians. One chap (here's that thinking that's a little off) said that he couldn't accept that those who weren't Christians wouldn't be given a chance ~ his God was loving and merciful etc etc and so they had to be given a chance, didn't they?
I have to admit, I find it very hard to think that there are folk who've never heard the gospel or who have rejected what they understood the gospel to mean but I've always (even before I became a Christian) believed that once we're dead, we're dead, no second chances.
We also talked about God and Jesus and when we'd be in heaven. I said that I'd always seen them as separate. My memory was telling me that Jesus would sit at God's right hand. He was sure that they would be one and there was no separation. I have to confess my mind seemed to wander a bit that evening so I didn't push it, but having checked it out in Acts 2 (and others) it does say that Jesus will sit at God's right hand.
I'm very conscious that my friend is the house group leader and I don't want to cause major waves for her. I've also no idea how long this chap has been a Christian for (though he doesn't seem 'new') so don't want to upset him too much, especially if he's new.
My walking plan has kind of bitten the dust some. I've not been out much over the past few days for various reasons but I'm trying not to worry too much about it right now.
I cancelled my appointment with my psychologist this morning. I called first thing to cancel and she returned the call early afternoon. I've been having lots of weird dreams/nightmares and sleeping very badly and felt somewhat grim this morning. She was really good about the fact I'd cancelled and from talking a little with her said that she felt I'd made the right decision. We've rescheduled for next Monday.
My friend who I babysat for last week has 3 children. Her oldest is 10 and can be a bit of a handful. He decided to play up last week as they were getting ready to go out and my friend was trying to get him settled. After they'd gone, I wondered if it wouldn't be easier for them to go while he was still up (strange child apparently loves to spend time with me) and for me to send him to bed shortly after. Mentioned it to my friends and they thought it was worth a try when they next go out. It's friend's hubby's bday on Wednesday and they've asked if I'd babysit so (if we remember) we'll probably try it then.
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The loose cannon inside the ship is far more dangerous
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RE: Dancing to a different drummer - 11/22/2007 11:28:04 PM
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agapetos
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Well I saw my psychologist on Monday. We discussed the different things and I've been thinking since then about them. I've realised (again) that while I sometimes am aware of things that I need, I don't always feel confident about asking for them because of the respond I'd get. Need to discuss this with her because there are issues that I need to look at, at some point (possibly). She's on leave for a couple of weeks so I won't see her for 4 weeks.
I saw my psychiatrist on Tuesday. He suggested an anti-depressant to throw into the cocktail of meds and has left me thinking about it. I'm not sure, but I can understand why he wants me to try it. Won't see him until after Christmas now.
Spoke to my nurse yesterday to rearrange an appointment and will be seeing him next week.
Spoke with my doctor today briefly about something else
I've been doing quite a lot of cooking (for me it's a lot anyhow) this week. I've broken it down into steps. When I can't sleep at 4am I chop something for a recipe (while watching tv/video) and then put it in the fridge until I'm going to use it. I could have cooked in the middle of the night, but am always so concerned about the smoke detector going off in the small hours (if mine goes off, my 10 neighbours alarms also go off ~ not the best way to keep good relations!).
So I cook during the day. I've been eating some of what I cook, putting some in the fridge for another time and then freezing some. It's a plan, not sure if it's going to work or not.
But the food is pretty good, even if I say so myself. I made roast chicken, garlic and borlotti bean soup this evening. I used black-eyed beans instead of borlotti because it's what I had. Very quick and easy.
I've also made stuffed aubergines, spicy aduki bean soup, beef stew and red pepper, corn and barley patties, which tasted good but the patties didn't work very well so I'm going to stuff the mix in something tomorrow!
I was given some 'keep fresh bags' earlier this year. Haven't a clue how they work but the theory is that they help keep foods fresher for longer so I put most of my veg (that came in the delivery the other day and I've not yet used) into them a couple of days ago.
My new remote arrived on Monday! It actually arrived on Saturday but I was out and the sorting office was closed when I got the note so couldn't pick it up until Monday. The baking tray also arrived. I'm soooo pleased about it!
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The loose cannon inside the ship is far more dangerous
than the storm that rages outside the ship.
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RE: Dancing to a different drummer - 11/26/2007 8:35:10 AM
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agapetos
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I confess I've been feeling a little strange recently. Yeah, I know, I'm a Brit, I'm always a little strange...
My mood is not great (still) but it's not really down either but I'm, I guess, feeling differently. When I saw the last (and different) psychologist last year, she expressed a view that there were different aspects of my personality (I'm going to stress that this isn't split personality I'm talking here!) and these often were affected by my mood. It was something that I'd felt for a number of years, but never really felt that I could voice to anyone (didn't really understand it, it was just my feelings).
Now though, I'm not sure where I am... the thoughts and feelings that I've had for so long about my life and experiences are still there, but it seems that I have other thoughts and feelings coming through ~ far more positive ones. And instead of my feeling that my mood is either 'good' or 'bad' I feel right now it's both .
I guess when a we learn something we don't go from knowing nothing to knowing everything in a flash. I wonder if that is similar to what I'm going through? Am I learning to live with my health instead of just existing because of my health?
My last psychologist gave me a list of ideas of things to do when things are not good. When I saw my current psychologist last week that I'd realised this list was good, it wasn't just when things weren't good I should be doing them, I should be doing them when they were not so bad (and even good too). She was very good and didn't roll her eyes at me !
I've been suprised by the amount of cooking I've been doing over the past few weeks. I can follow recipes and so turn out reasonable meals, but I rarely do so (I don't count ready meals and pizzas here!). I see the cooking as a good sign.
I know that I've done other things in the past that are 'good' and I wonder if this is just a phase that I'm going through? Will the bubble burst on this one as it's done on others in the past? I guess that this is something that I'm afraid of.
I'm guessing only time will tell. It does feel different to things that I've done in the past to help myself, I think because of the 2 aspects of my personality that are in my mind right now. There is the 1 part that simply can't be bothered and then the other that sees that I need to take care of myself.
My last psychologist mentioned integrating the parts of my personality and perhaps that is what is going on...
Or, to quote a one-liner from a certain tv show...
Resistance is futile. You will be assimlated!
I've been sleeping a lot better the past few nights (finally). I ended up going over to the big supermarket on Saturday to find some split yellow peas ~ I decided that it wasn't such a good idea in the end, given the number of customers, the noise, the state of the store and all... Had to laugh when I got my somewhat stressed self (and basket with a few more items than split peas in it) to the checkout and the checkout assistant looked at me with BIG smile and said 'It's been lovely and quiet in here today!'
The peas were for a dahl which I wanted to make ~ except I was too tired to make it after getting them and I didn't have any ginger either . I think I will do what I've been doing and have everything as ready as possible and make it tomorrow when I go out and buy some !
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The loose cannon inside the ship is far more dangerous
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RE: Dancing to a different drummer - 12/7/2007 2:49:19 PM
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agapetos
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It's been longer than I thought since I last wrote anything...
I saw my doctor last week and she'd received a letter from my psychiatrist about the antidepressant he'd suggested. I agreed to try it and see if it helps. I've opted for the solution over the capsules and was given a helpful little gadget that fits in the top of the bottle. Once fitted, I can invert the bottle and draw the right measure out with a syringe. Now why couldn't the company that make lithium provide me with one of those?
Sigh.
I haven't finished the letter to the company (lithium) yet but I shall be commenting on this gadget when I do ~ at a cost of 74p it's hardly going to break the bank!
Anyhows, I've been having some side effects from the new meds, but it's not been bad ~ hopefully they won't get bad now that I've increased to the full amount (today).
I'm still cooking stuff. I made a moussaka the other day ~ something that I love but don't make very often. Also made some barley bread ~ the health store had to order the flour in for me, but they sold the buttermilk I needed, and I had the pearl barley (when I said barley bread, I meant it! The recipe had barley flour, buttermilk, barley, salt and baking powder in it ~ oh and some water.) which was good. It's kind of expensive to make but I cut it as thinly as I could (it's very dense so you don't need a lot ~ reminds me of a good rye bread) but I'll make it again I think ~ maybe switching the buttermilk for sour milk or yogurt ~ and maybe using a different flour.
I bought some new kitchen scales yesterday. They're digital and very small and light compared to my old ones. Haven't used them yet, but I will I've got my eye on plenty of recipes.
A few weeks ago my nurse parked at the back of the property in a small drive. He was told that he wasn't allowed to park there so moved. I'd had permission from one of the previous trustees for my nurses to park there so emailed them when I heard my nurse had been told something else. I was told that there was no need for anyone to park there and the trustees had a strict no parking policy for the drive. I received an invitation from the trustees yesterday to a 'drinks and nibbles' in the schoolhouse/museum for tonight ~ and curiousity got the better of me! I didn't go, but did stick my head out of the back door ~ there were at least 3 cars parked in the drive! I know for sure that one of them belongs to a trustee.
Sigh.
I ordered some plants what seems like months ago and they finally arrived a couple of days back. I've put some in the garden and have to figure out what to do with the rest. I'm concerned that the wild weather we're having at the moment will kill them. The ones I've put in are covered by cloches. I do have some fleece that I can cover them with.
It's just over a week until I see my psychologist again. It's been rather strange not seeing her for so long, but I think it's been good for me. I feel more relaxed about the sessions finishing now than I have done, though I suspect that I will find it difficult, because she's a great lady.
I've been thinking of things that I'd like to do. I started some OU courses (OU = Open University, distance learning) a while back (years) but never finished them because I found it so hard to concentrate (I think I tried to do too much at once to be honest) and plan things. I've been thinking of seeing if I can pick them up again, or some other course. I've been kind of interested in food and nutrition for a while now and I wonder if it'd be something I learn more about. One of the last courses was astronomy and I'd love to pick that up again ~ would have to dig all the stuff out for it because it's something I could do just for personal satisfaction.
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The loose cannon inside the ship is far more dangerous
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RE: Dancing to a different drummer - 12/18/2007 6:33:28 PM
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agapetos
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It's been about 10 years since I first came to CW (although it wasn't CW back then). I used chat back then. I wanted somewhere that I could talk to people and not have a screen full of obscenities. I wasn't a Christian then. I figured that I could put up with a bit of 'God talk' if there was ordinary talk too!
CW has changed (not just the name either!) a lot since then. It's grown and developed and improved.
I think there are only a few people I know now from talking to them back then. As I came to my blog tonight to ramble some more, I noticed Fritz has started a blog here too. He (and his wife) were 2 of the people who've hung around. I treasure the memories I have of some of the folk I've chatted (or known through forums) to over the years because of the blessings they've been in my life. Sometimes we aren't always able to keep people in our lives as long as we would like, but it's still a blessing to have known them.
I saw my psychologist yesterday. It was really good to share some positives with her ~ like studying nutrition. I realised afterwards that while I'd thought of things like this, I had seldom dared to voice them ~ I think my blog entry of last week was the first time I'd mentioned it. I won't see her again until next year and think I have 5 sessions left. There are some issues that we haven't really touched on and I don't want to go into depth about them with her now, but I think it will be worth exploring whether (at some point in the future) I'd benefit from some extra therapy so that will take up at least part of 1 session.
I'd stopped taking my new medication at the w/end because I was feeling so  . I mentioned it to my psychologist and said I'd speak with my doctor once I'd got home to get advice. I told her (my psychologist) that I'd considered phoning the out-of-hours service to speak with someone but reasoned there was little they could do other than tell me to stop taking the meds, which I'd already done!
I called my doc's secretary and she said that my doc was running very late that day so couldn't promise what time. While I was waiting it occured to me to try my psychiatrist. I spoke with him and explained the situation. He suggested I start taking it again, at a low dose, and go up very gradually as and when I feel ready. I'm happy to do that, though I did ask for a few days to just feel right again and he was happy with that. Then I called my doc's secretary back and cancelled the call! I didn't think of it at the time, but later, it was really nice to have trusted my instincts again and known that something was not quite right, and done something, rather than keep on doing something that wasn't right as I've done in the past.
I made some soda bread today. There's just something about warm bread that's moreish isn't there? It's hard to resist. The soda bread turned out well ~ I used spelt flour instead of wholewheat and added sunflower and pumpkin seeds because bread with bits (and the seeds are good bits!) in is better for you than bread without bits !
< Message edited by agapetos -- 12/18/2007 7:16:11 PM >
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The loose cannon inside the ship is far more dangerous
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RE: Dancing to a different drummer - 12/22/2007 7:00:50 PM
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agapetos
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My new saucepans arrived on Tuesday (I think!) and I really like the handles on them. I made some soup this afternoon and it was much easier to lift the saucepan with the little handle there too!
I am aiming to make some seed bread tomorrow. It has 4 different kinds of seed in it, plus the bits from the wholewheat flour so should be an interesting texture. I keep trying to cut out wheat, but it never seems to really work for long! I also want to make some fruit jellies. I saw a recipe on a tv programme a while back and thought they looked very pretty (the jelly is very light coloured and there is soft fruit in it) and then I found a recipe for them
Haven't used my food processor yet, but I'm sure that I will shortly. I could mix the bread dough with it and there's a cake I'd like to try, but I'm not sure when I'll get round to it. I think there's a lot of gadgets and gizmos on it and it'll take me some time to figure them all out. Lots of things I want to make, just can't make them all at once (and I don't think I could eat them all at once either ).
I'm going to restart taking my new medication again on Monday and am hoping that I'll find the slower increase easier to deal with. I noticed on the new bottle there were different ingredients and I didn't like some of them. I spoke with the pharmacy about it and they're going to order the other one in specially for me.
I spoke with my mother yesterday. Or rather she spoke with me. Her dog had eaten something and made himself sick so I got all the details of trips to the vets and phone calls and such. By the time I called, the dog was fine, but she didn't tell me this ~ she started talking about how she'd had to look after the dogs that belonged to a friend of hers at the same time and then talked about where her friend was going, and why and who they saw and she thought they had a good time She did finally tell me the dog was better (but apparently did try and look sorry for himself from time-to-time ).
My blood test results came back as being within range, but at the high end of the range. I'm not too worried about another test just yet as I'll be on such a low dose of the new meds and I'll be seeing my psychiatrist in the New Year so it can wait until then!
I can't believe that we're near the end of 2007. This year seems to have flown by. I've been hearing of folk planning they resolutions for New Year already. I confess that I'm not one for making resolutions at this time. I don't believe there should be a specific time to do something new and I don't believe the fact we're going into a new year will make much of a difference to whether we actually keep those resolutions. I would however like to keep and impove the relatively healthy eating I'm starting to develop (it's slow, but I'm getting better at it) and I'd like to get back to the gym or some form of exercise. That's harder though because I simply don't want to go anywhere when it's so cold outside. So they're 2 of the things I'd like to do in the coming year, though probably not in January!
Longest night has passed. Now the days start getting longer again though it doesn't get any warmer . I can't help feeling there's something wrong with that! Never mind.
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RE: Dancing to a different drummer - 12/31/2007 7:46:46 PM
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agapetos
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It's the New Year
I've been busy the past few days, doing things around the house and going shopping in the sales . I think I did quite well, I did buy things, but didn't go too overboard as I have done in the past.
Ten years ago tomorrow, I became a Christian. It doesn't seem possible really. So much has happened in that time and I have changed and my relationship with God has changed more than I would ever thought possible. His love for me is truely incredible. I can but wonder where I'll be in the next 10 years!
I said before that I wasn't really into New Year Resolutions, and I'm not. I have however decided to keep on changing things as I have done over the past few months, one step at a time (hence my new siggy). Spiritually, mentally, physically, environmentally, whateverally  . I know that some people can make radical changes in their life and stick to them but I'm not one of them. I like to make my changes gradually and somewhat more securely, to be sure that one step is in place and solid before moving on to the next. I know this can't always be done, but I will be doing my best to keep applying it to every aspect of my life.
The past month or so has been much brighter for me mentally. When I've spoken to the people involved with my health care I've mentioned to them a time when I felt like this ~ it was March of 2006. It is only now, as I feel like that again, I realise how rough things were for me in the intervening period ~ and for a long time before that. While many thought that I was well (and I frequently thought and said that I was ok) I realise now that things weren't right.
I will sound pessermistic when I say I don't know if the way I feel now is going to stay with me for much longer. I don't always expect life to be good, everyone has their problems, but it's how we manage them and cope with them in relation to what's happened in the past. Given that I have bipolar it's highly possible that my mood will change at some point. I would like to think that the changes will be less extreme than they have and instead of pulling me under, I am able to surf the wave.
There have been times when I just haven't wanted to bother with life any longer. Trying new medications and therapy seemed such an effort. My doctor and my psychiatrist have been so incredibly supportive of me and given me so much time and encouragement. I am truely blessed to have them in my life.
I'm also blessed to have had the psychologist that I've had over the past 6-8 months. She's been supportive, caring, challanging and sensitive in all the work she has done with me.
I thank God for bringing these people into my life, for giving so much of theirs to help others, and for not giving up on believing that with appropriate medication and treatment I could have a more positive future.
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The loose cannon inside the ship is far more dangerous
than the storm that rages outside the ship.
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RE: Dancing to a different drummer - 1/8/2008 7:33:01 AM
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agapetos
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I saw my psychologist yesterday, after a very sleepless night. I'm glad that I got to my appointment because I really do hate cancelling, though I don't think my brain was fully there, and I wasn't feeling brilliant either.
It was an interesting session and we talked about negative and positive feedback and how I reacted when I received it from people. It's not always entirely comfortable to listen to people tell you things that aren't true, but she is pretty sensitive in how she speaks to me and while I would much rather deny it, she was right in that it's far easier for me to accept negative feedback than it is positive. Although there were some aspects of the | | |
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