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RE: All I can say is.. I'm in need of prayer. - 11/4/2007 1:11:13 PM
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lastblast
Posts: 1639
Joined: 9/20/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BethAnnaM.
I've usually just smiled and done what she wanted me to do, and I'm over it. I'm sick of him still not being a leader, a lover, and a great man. But I'm still trying to focus on myself and be a better person. I just can't find joy in this at all. I'm so lost! It's not like all the sudden I can pack up all my things (again), try to get that place back, call the lawyer and tell him I want to again.. just out of nowhere. 
Hello BethAnna,
Let me say that for one, your in-laws need to stay out of your marriage and you need to, as nicely as possible, remind them that God made you and your husband ONE FLESH---that your husband is to leave and cleave to you and vice versa..........that you appreciate their counsel, but you and your husband have to live your own lives and make your own decisions for your family. If you are presently attending a church and receiving pastoral counselling, you need to bring this issue to the table too. I'm pretty sure a pastor who knows the Word of God would counsel your husband that he needs to take care of this problem with his family (as it would be better than you trying to handle it).
I agree with what you said above in that you need to focus on being a "better" person yourself, however, that does not mean TRYING in your own strength. It means giving yourself over to the Lord COMPLETELY to do HIS will: not yours, not your husband's, not what the posters here are telling you, etc, etc. You need to do the Father's will. When you walk out His will, not your flesh's desire, or take counsel from those who are counselling out of their flesh, you will reap what God would have you reap.
The first thing you must acknowledge is that God says, whatsoever He joins together, man must not separate. If that is in your head and you are now lamenting NOT separating (divorce I mean, not leaving him for a time of reflection/getting himself together), then you need to get your mind in line with the Lord's mind/heart. His heart is to see your husband healed of the sins that beset him. His heart is to see you, equipped with the mind/heart of Jesus to intercede for your husband. You may not be able to do that while remaining in the same home if he is violent, but you can still intercede for him whereever you are. God's heart is to see what He joined together, bringing Him Glory----through the trials of life.
Do not give up hope for your marriage..........and please do not listen to those who would tell you to divorce and move on because you are young and still have a life ahead of you. You husband IS your life now. Meditate on I Cor. 13...........really ask the Lord to get that into your heart/mind/soul in regards to how to deal with your husband...........and your mother-in-law. You know, being a Christian does not mean one is a stepping stone, but it does mean that when we deal with problems(and we SHOULD deal with them, as the Lord leads us), we have humility due to our own sinfulness and therefore give grace to those who offend us.......... Blessings........ 
_____________________________
Blessings as you seek Him, Cindy
What does the bible say on Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage?
www.marriagedivorce.com
www.cadz.net/faq.html
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RE: All I can say is.. I'm in need of prayer. - 11/5/2007 12:27:13 PM
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dkgnew
Posts: 115
Joined: 4/20/2006
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quote:
You have Biblical grounds for divorce. I rarely advise divorce, but in this situation, leaving a life of adultery and wife-abuse BEFORE their are children involved, seems like the lesser of two evils. I don't see anything about your husband that makes me believe he is mature enough or committed enough to be a husband to you. It is questionable whether he and his family are even true believers.
I love this advise.
Do not let the arguements of "wether or not" it's right to divorce your husband at this point be your main focus. Your main focus should be living as peaceful as possible and being SAFE. Reasonable people will disagree, but God looks on the heart. keep your heart pure but be wise in doing whatever it takes to keep yourself away from evil people whose purpose is bent on tormenting you. Don't make it easy for anyone to abuse you, regardless of their title or relationship to you. We are called to peace, so when someone treats you like an enemy keep away from them as much as possible. They will KILL you (they may not mean to), the Anger of man opens the door to all kinds of tragedy!
Be blessed, be Strong in Christ Jesus.
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RE: All I can say is.. I'm in need of prayer. - 11/5/2007 12:59:28 PM
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pickupyourmat
Posts: 308
Joined: 7/5/2007
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quote:
and please do not listen to those who would tell you to divorce and move on because you are young and still have a life ahead of you.
Just a correction for the record. No one has told her to move on because she is young and still has a life ahead of her. She was told to move on for the following reasons:
quote:
Your husband is physically and emotionally abusive. He is an adulterer (porn is adultery too). His parents are apparently going to abuse you also...
quote:
Out and out adultery. He broke his wedding vows and his covenant with you and God
_____________________________
"It's not my opinion but the word of God." That's the same thing Jim Jones said.
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RE: All I can say is.. I'm in need of prayer. - 11/6/2007 11:45:44 AM
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frazzledmom
Posts: 280
Joined: 7/4/2007
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Dear BethAnna
Do you still plan on Going to "A Weekend to Remember" ? I've seen God work miralcles in marriages at that conference, including my own.
My husband has been addicted to porn since he was an adolescent. For 11 1/2 years my marriage was built on half-truths that he "struggled occasionally with porn" when in fact he was deeply addicted. I was hurt, betrayed, angry, loathed sharing the same bed and had a hard time understanding why. Eventually I realized he wasn't my enemy-Satan is my enemy and he had done a fine job of taking my husband captive. My husband was a prisoner of war in a very real unseen battle that men fight every day-and most are losing. I have grounds for divorces, but I hung in there with him, though I didn't want to, because he was willling to make an honest, sincere effort to change. (this came after I kicked him out for several days) We also have children to factor into the stiuation. I believe God can redeem a broken marriage, but it takes willing hearts to do so.
Your situation is more extreme than my own, but I hear echoes of my past in your words. In response I have some questions for you to think about, more than answers-
1. Are you physically safe-from physical or sexual abuse?
3. Is your husband willing to seek ongoing professional help? Are you?
3. Are you willing to confront in love, (after much prayer) rather than tolerate sin?
4. Can you set boundaries with your husband and in-laws? Where and what kinds of boundaries?
5. Can you draw a line somewhere and say "if this continues, this is what I will do" ? (leave, separate, get a motel room..."
I am truly sorry for your pain. Men with addictions have a dark side that often isn't seen 'til long into marriage. It's not about you-they are broken and deal with anger, lonliness and other uncomfortable feelings in a way that comforts them and makes them feel like men again.
Here are some resources to look into when you have time:
resources from Doug Weiss www.sexaddict.com
resources from Stuart Vogelman www.purwarrior.com
http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/home/
www.celebraterecovery.com
This website has great lessons to understand the mindset of addicts and their partners, but it is not faith-based so, know that going into it.
www.recoverynation.com
Blessings to you for wisdom and light to discern what to do next.
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RE: All I can say is.. I'm in need of prayer. - 11/10/2007 5:36:18 PM
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Chosen28
Posts: 6
Joined: 11/10/2007
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Oh My Goodness! I can feel your pain. Marriage is hard starting off for anyone. You have to learn how to adjust to one another and becoming less selfish. I think your husband is very very very selfish and immature. His mother is out of order-Yes out of order and I do not regret saying it. She needs to first take the blinder off her eyes and realize her son has problems. She then needs to stay out of your marriage.
Submissiveness is a word that we don't want to hear young in marriage especially if we feel our husband don't deserve it. It was hard for me as well. My church has this ministry for ministers and deacons wives and my husband is a minister. My Pastor wife would tell us all the time how we should submit. Well I didn't really mind but I felt he need to be worthy of submitting to so I would cry when they talk about that b/c I wanted to be he wasn't worthy of it. He was a good man but we both were only 21 yrs old. Your mother law is right about submissiveness but most get it confused with obeying and the husband treat wives like they are a child and abuse their authority.
I feel your husband is not committed to being a husband right now. He is a spoiled little boy and needs to grow up. His age may say different but his actions speak louder. Some people not just men are long eyed. They get everything need (bedroom) but still want more. Really nothing more to say than what I have said He is not ready for marriage. I pray that you allow God to direct you and Think about your well being now. I am sorry you are going through this. Allow God to heal you and forgive so your heart can stay in right standing with God. Also, stop entertaining foolish conversation with mother in Law. If your husband does not grow up and get himself together now in God's timing as you follow him (God) he has better for you. Stand for better and nothing less. Praying for you! You are not responsible for any of this-self heal and move forward with or without him although it will be hard but God will give you strength and wisdom. Go to church -stay in church. Grace and Peace!! Send reply I will be checking on you!
[Edited by moderator - TOS 5]
< Message edited by ta_mosquito -- 11/10/2007 6:48:11 PM >
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RE: All I can say is.. I'm in need of prayer. - 11/30/2007 5:18:53 PM
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BethAnnaM.
Posts: 13
Joined: 11/1/2007
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To those of you who have read my previous posts, I'm posting this new one.. and I really need help. I feel awful.
I didn't end up divorcing him. I had filed, moved out, had an attorney, had a place.. but why didn't I? Why did I move back in? Honestly; I can't answer that! He said he would change, he wept, and now... I hate every single minute I spend with him. He hasn't changed a bit. He had to be gone for awhile over Thanksgiving at my side of the family's... and I was sooo relieved!! I was thinking to myself how much better it was with my family by myself. I had an amazing time and I felt so... happy! I can't explain it. My heart is in the worst place right now- I want it to be over sooo bad. He truly disgusts me. Everything he does now- after what has happened, I can't even look at him. And he STILL doesn't treat me right. He doesn't cherish me, he doesn't care about anything except himself and what I do for him. And I have done nothing but bend over backwards this whole entire marriage for him and all he does is just expect it and treat me awful. Marriage is just convenient to him, not love and not a commitment.
There was a man I knew.. "david" and I wouldn't give him the time of day because I thought (my boyfriend, husband now) was so great and I was too good for anyone else. At that time, I was looking at my husband as 'he'd be a great husband. he's handsome, gentle, athletic, a Christian.' That's not good enough, is it? It really isn't. I wasn't looking at the deeper issues! I saw what I saw, liked it, married him in three months- and it came back and bit me. This other man loved the Lord with everything he had. He has waited for his wife, he wants nothing else but to make a good husband and father, a provider. He's an engineer. He poured his heart out to me and I basically slapped him in the face thinking he wasn't good enough because I was too young and didn't know what it really meant. I didn't look deeper there. And now I know where I made my mistake. I let my own desires get in the way of what was really right. Every day I can't help but think 'what if'. Why did I do that to "David"? Just because I didn't like a few features? I was selfish? I left with my new husband and never saw "David" again. He didn't even know I got married. Guess who just came back into my life? Guess who is respecting the fact that I am married, but praying because he has always loved me and I am this close to getting a divorce, but at the same time laying low and respecting the fact that I'm still married. I've been talking to him, and that's where I am more wrong than ever. But I feel SO overwhelmingly happy and relieved everytime I talk to him. I know that if I ever did get a divorce, that two or 5 years down the road "David" will still be there with a forgiving heart, an unconditional love, and open arms. And here I am trapped in this unhappy marriage with a jerk of a husband- I'm sinning. I've tried to find joy, I've tried so hard... I think it's funny that after ALL this... ALL this.. after him saying he will try his hardest... last week he looked at porn. And when I caught him, he threw the computer against the wall and shattered it. How can I live like this? Especially now.. after thinking about "David" and how happy we would be-- because I know he'd be the spiritual leader. I don't have that. Oh my gosh.. I'm horrible. Please be praying for me... what in the world do I do now...
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RE: All I can say is.. I'm in need of prayer. - 11/30/2007 5:34:11 PM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1267
Joined: 5/27/2006
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Leave "David" out of it. You do not need to be rescued by another man, no matter how righteous, sweet and sold out for God he is.
You need to get away from abuse. That should be your main objective.
You cannot think clearly while you are in an abusive relationship.
Go home to your parents and spend some being loved and respected. You'll think more clearly.
Talk to a lawyer about an annulment. You really do need to take this step.
Talk to a counselor about how easily misled you were by your feelings and get some insight into why you fell for your first husband so hard and fast. And DO NOT, by any means, even think about another relationship with anyone until you clear that up.
Please get some real help soon, young one. We are all praying for you.
_____________________________
"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost..." -J. R. R. Tolkien
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RE: All I can say is.. I'm in need of prayer. - 11/30/2007 6:33:47 PM
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beautyforashes81
Posts: 28
Joined: 11/20/2007
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Wow, I really feel for you. I can relate to real life experiences with some of the things you posted.
quote:
You are married to an abusive man. Most of them are like this - confused and out of control, childish but powerful, but manipulative and sly, using faith and family against you. Don't wait for another incident.
I agree with that. My husband is like this...strongly using faith to manipulate. Whatever you do, seek God first, put him first in everything.
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RE: All I can say is.. I'm in need of prayer. - 11/30/2007 6:36:20 PM
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Sadey
Posts: 463
Joined: 7/25/2007
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The last thing you need to do is have another man in your life. Thats just running from your problems and yourself. Please get some help and figure yourself out before you even think of another marriage. You need to become a whole woman and figure out why you didn't see the signs in your husband and his family. Trust me the grass isn't always greener on teh onther side of the fence. Until you figure what has happened to you you may just repeat the past.
God bless you
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RE: All I can say is.. I'm in need of prayer. - 11/30/2007 7:46:46 PM
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Tall_Timbers
Posts: 4
Joined: 11/30/2007
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I'm praying for you BethAnnaM. It sounds like you're married to a passive aggressive with possible neurology disorders. While impossible to say from your testimony, that's what it looks like to me. I've been married to someone with that profile for 17 years. I don't have a good memory regarding my spouse. My thoughts are that you must review the Word as to what it describes for a wife. Then you must pray and pray, and endeavor at all times to be that biblical wife. If you're working outside the home, tell him you're going to quit and take care of the home, and then do so. Otherwise honor your husband and be a blessing to him no matter what he is to you. Pray and fast and grow closer to the Lord so that you will find the strength, the inner peace to endure. You've entered into a lifelong covenant with this man, maybe by your example, he will truly find the Lord.
Bless you,
_____________________________
Tall Timbers
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RE: All I can say is.. I'm in need of prayer. - 11/30/2007 9:03:01 PM
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crh737
Posts: 592
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quote:
ORIGINAL: creationtalk
quote:
ORIGINAL: BethAnnaM.
I know he is over the hitting- he is receiving council.
BethAnna, you may want to believe that he will not hit again, but you don't and can't know that. And frankly, until an abuser feels true remorse and starts to actively work to change the patterns that lead to abuse, the abuse will continue...and usually escalate.
As long as he doesn't admit fault in his actions, nothing substantial will change.
Whatever you decide about your marriage, Please be very careful not to bring children into this mess.
I'm praying for you.
I agree with Creationtalk. The abuse is not over until he admits fault. Why do you believe you deserve such behavior?
You need to be more self confident and know the Lord accept you as you are and believes you are precious.
If your husband does not treat you as such, he may not understand what the scriptures say. It sounds as his mother has been brainwashed about what submission really is.
In a marriage Submission is to the Lord first, then to one's spouse, but it doesn't mean beating them into their belief of what is right.
It is in agreeance with what the Lord says about being joined together as one. (it is not one being domineering over another. This IS NOT the LORDS WORD.)
So many misinterpret what submission is. It is the Lord First, a man is to Submit to the Lord as he has Submission over his wife and the wife is to have Submission over her children.
Submission is not sexual, but a love, care, and share thing.
A man is to love a person as he loves himself, because no man hates himself. It sounds as your husband doesn't accept himself for who he is and therefore can not love you, because he doesn't love self first.
May the Lord grant you His understanding and peace
said a prayer for you
CRH
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RE: All I can say is.. I'm in need of prayer. - 11/30/2007 9:37:46 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1194
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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So many have said wise things here, BethAnnaM, and I can't add anything to say about the pain and betrayal you are experiencing, but I grieve with you. I'm so sorry.
I would like to say something about David, and it's been alluded but I'd like to say it louder.
Imagine a guy who loves the Lord with all his heart and is waiting in all holiness for the perfect woman... it's not going to be for a woman who is already married. This guy is likely another disaster waiting for you if you jump ship on your husband. I think Satan is getting ready to set you up for a double header. Yeah, at this point he looks pretty good... so would any barge when the boat you're on is sinking. In your place, I'd tell him to go away now.
Bless you heart, dear sister. Keep trusting God, and lean heavily on your pastor/elders as they are God's appointed shepherds for you. I am praying for you. (((hugs)))
< Message edited by deermousie -- 12/1/2007 1:06:23 AM >
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RE: All I can say is.. I'm in need of prayer. - 12/1/2007 2:05:34 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 795
Joined: 11/28/2005
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Well you still are in the same fix - your husband is still doing you wrong - you
aren't really ready to leave him because you're use to how he treats you...even though you don't like being mistreated - you know all about him(your husband) and
he knows all about you.
Now this "David" appears to you he's a knight in shinning armor and he's saying all the right things and giving you a false sense of hope - why do I say a false sense of hope? Because you still haven't dealt with all your hurt and emotions
(your attachment to your husband is strong - you've had opportunities to leave him but you won't do it...yet.) It's odd what people can get use to! Family arguments - bad husbands - lack of respect etc... Until you have resolved your own inner problems you'll not be ready for a new relationship (if that's even part of your future!) Leave "David" alone - no calls - emails or nothing! You have too much baggage that hasn't been dealt with and going into another relationship will not cleanse you of all that bad treatment you have gotten from your husband and his family. I hope you do move out and get your own place and do
counseling --- getting yourself on stable ground physically and emotionally will pay off in the long run. You need to be at peace with yourself and feel you're worthy of being happy and enjoying life serving the Lord as His humble servant. Step away
from people/family/spouse who just want to torment you and keep you beat down. It's time to see that the Lord hasn't called you to be in bondage/slavery - you've got hope for a good future - look to the Lord for encouragement - spend time reading His Word and reflecting upon His Truth.... surround yourself with mature Christians and have them praying for you and your spouse. Seek the Lord - ask Him to reveal to you what He wants you to be doing as you are waiting for husband to get himself back on track. Continue to pray for him and his family - they sure do need all the help they can get.
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RE: All I can say is.. I'm in need of prayer. - 12/1/2007 4:05:33 AM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 596
Joined: 7/13/2007
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I just don't understand why you haven't left yet? Especially since you have a loving and supportive family to back you up. I'm worried about you. This man could end up seriously hurting you....or worse. It's obvious that he still can't/isn't controlling his anger and is reacting to it with physical violence. Whose to say that next time it won't be you that get's thrown against the wall instead of the computer?
My advice is to run, run, run.....TODAY! Go to your family. Get away from this guy. He's dangerous and his family is crazy.
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RE: All I can say is.. I'm in need of prayer. - 12/1/2007 8:19:04 AM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1267
Joined: 5/27/2006
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quote:
Whose to say that next time it won't be you that get's thrown against the wall instead of the computer?
My advice is to run, run, run.....TODAY! Go to your family. Get away from this guy. He's dangerous and his family is crazy.
Worth repeating.
_____________________________
"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost..." -J. R. R. Tolkien
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RE: All I can say is.. I'm in need of prayer. - 12/4/2007 10:33:08 AM
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armegedon
Posts: 5
Joined: 12/4/2007
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Hello,
I agree about not bringing children into this. I am going thru close to similar issues in my marriage which I am inclined to quit every minute, but a little voice prompring me to stay in this relationship and more so needed as I have a child from this marriage who is 4 years
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RE: All I can say is.. I'm in need of prayer. - 12/4/2007 10:45:34 AM
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armegedon
Posts: 5
Joined: 12/4/2007
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If there are no children in this marriage. I second the thoughts of divorce, I would advise "Godly counsel" to worldly counselling
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RE: All I can say is.. I'm in need of prayer. - 12/4/2007 11:25:08 AM
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Lauralspring
Posts: 9
Joined: 11/30/2007
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I agree with the others on this thread who are begging you to get away from this violent man! You should leave him so that he's faced with the attrocity of his sin and bears consequences for all of his actions. Staying with him is enabling him to continue with his abuse. There will be time later for reconciliation, after time has gone by, if God wills for you two to be together. No matter how many tears a person sheds, it doesn't mean they have truly repented, and that he has the psychological help he needs (medication???? and rehabilitation for the porn????? It is an addiction and makes a person sick in the head, just like alcohol and drugs, in my opinion). Sometimes people have to hit "rock bottom" before they face their own problems and get the help they need. Meanwhile, you don't need to be living in fear for your life while he throws computers around!!!!!
Also, is he accountable to leaders in your church? If they are not exercising church discipline in his case, they should be. If he claims to be a christian and is getting away with all of this, there is a real problem with the accountability level in your church body.
This is only my advice; you have to do what you believe is right. I also say to stay away from "David"----even if he is all he seems, even good marriages have so many challenges, and the last thing you need to do after going through all of this is expose yourself to more relationship woes. I think you need some time on your own to think through the choices you have made so far, and get perspective on life. God is teaching you a lot through all of this----stay aware!!!
I will be praying for you and your safety.
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RE: All I can say is.. I'm in need of prayer. - 12/4/2007 4:01:53 PM
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NoDumbBlonde
Posts: 1168
Joined: 1/31/2007
From: Upper West Side, Planet Earth
Status: offline
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I don't know that anyone has suggested this but here goes. What I suggest is to get your family, pastor, Christian friends, etc. together to really pray FOR your husband and his parents. Make it your own prayer meeting. Lift him and his parents up to the Lord. Pray for all lies and deceit to be removed and the truth to become known. Pray that they all find true salvation and wisdom that only God can give. We know that we cannot change another person but God is a God of miracles and nothing is impossible with Him. Stranger things have happened! Pray for each area in his life: Porn, anger, deceit, cheating heart, irresponsibility, lack of faith, direction, violence, you name it. "Where two are more are gathered in His name, He is there" so start praying. Make it an event to do all you can do and allow God the opportunity to do all HE can do. Pray that you can forgive him for his offenses toward you. Ask God to fill you will a teachable spirit to be a witness and a blessing to your husband and his family.
While I realize that God allows us all free choice, please for the sake of your commitment to your marriage and your walk with the Lord, please give it a try. Imagine the testimony you will have with God working in and through your marriage! Only through our Lord can your husband become the man God he needs to be.
I also suggest praying that God will give you His incredible wisdom of what to do and when if your husband isn't obedient to the Holy Spirit.
I know you have a host of people praying for you. We all shouldn't stop but we should include your husband and his family. We are told to pray for our enemies. I guess you might consider your enemies right now. Get praying! I'll join with you.
_____________________________
<----- My Blog: A Day in the Life
You know you're wealthy when you have enough money to do something other than breathe.
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RE: All I can say is.. I'm in need of prayer. - 12/13/2007 3:54:01 PM
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emmkay2
Posts: 387
Joined: 10/18/2007
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(posting 'blind' -- referred from the dup thread)
BethAnna --
from the moment you became aware of the life protected within you, you became your son or daughter's mother. God has placed you in charge of another human being's care; their very existence He placed in your hands.
He says to us that children are a gift. would you hand off that gift to another who would be cruel? would you place that gift in the hands of another who could, and probably would, bring harm? would you entrust the well being of that gift to one who has no understanding of the great value it?
quote:
Where do I go now? What in the world could I possibly do to do my best for this baby having a happy life? i do not presume to know the deep answers you seek to the questions you have. what i do know is that God has chosen you for this; the greatest gift He can bestow upon a woman, outside of her own salvation.
quote:
I sat down today with cute brand new Nike infant shoes, wrapped them, and took my hubby out to dinner. you already value His gift to you. He chose you well.
i want to inspire you to do nothing else but to focus all your energies on doing what is ultimately best for your child: to assess your present marital situation realistically, and to make your decisions with the singleminded purpose of healthy survival for you and your baby.
do whatever you need to do in getting reliable help for you and your child.
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RE: All I can say is.. I'm in need of prayer. - 12/13/2007 5:06:17 PM
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BigFry
Posts: 30
Joined: 12/13/2007
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My wife and I are praying for you.
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'Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands. Protect them as they protect us. Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for all of us in our time of need. Amen.'
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RE: All I can say is.. I'm in need of prayer. - 12/13/2007 9:50:11 PM
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TMeeks
Posts: 1363
Joined: 1/27/2007
Status: offline
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The more I read cases like this, where a Christian marries someone they think is a Christian only to experience the worst the world has to offer at their hands, the more I begin to wonder if the goats don't outnumber the sheep.
Your husband and his entire family have severe control issues. Perhaps the most insidious form is the passive aggressive nature of your husband's mother. It seems obvious to me that your husband's parents probably have an extremely poor relationship and feel the need to keep their son inside their loop of communication so that they don't have to deal with their OWN issues.
As long as mommy and daddy can focus on poor little son-i-kins big bad wife, who just HAD to be the cause of little son-i-kin's rampant sin, then their marriage moves forward as it always has... dysfunctional and anything but Christ-like.
If I thought for one minute that your husband and his parents had a clue as to the true purpose and pattern that God has for a marriage that mirrors Christ's love for His church, then I'd say give it a try. But, if just half of what you say is true in such a short marriage, then I have to believe that staying would actually be repudiating the very concept of the sacredness of marriage.
My conclusion is that you most likely married a non-believer that knows a lot about Jesus; but, has no real relationship with Him. He's most likely a goat not a sheep. Sheep don't need to stay with goats that think their job is to push them around and inflict physical pain on sheep.
But, having said this, I also see some real potential co-dependency behaviors here and, possibly some boundary issues that you might want to make sure you deal with in your own life before even thinking about another man. Right now just about ANY man that shows any sort of consideration is going to look sweet and compassionate. But, that is under VERY different circumstances than under the pressures of marriage. It's easy to appear sweet and compassionate when there aren't bills to pay, diapers to change and loss of sleep with a crying baby! Please see a counselor for a good long time before even considering beginning a new relationship. Or, you could find yourself right back in the frying pan.
Finally, take this OPPORTUNITY... Yes, I said OPPORTUNITY... to examine our own relationship with Jesus Christ. It's clear from the Scriptures that when we have a real relationship with Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, then we will exhibit love, joy, peace and other fruits of the Spirit. You now know what hurt really is and you can use this to realize that when we fail to give Jesus Christ our lives fully and unconditionally we hurt Him just as we have been hurt by others. Use this time in your life to soar in the wind of the love of Jesus. Embrace Him and give your whole heart to him for, unlike your husband, He will NEVER hurt you and never condemn you.
I have found that those who look on the failure of their marriage as an opportunity to grow are the ones that end up having the happiest prospects for the future. Those that look backwards in condemnation and bitterness over their partner's failures, rarely move beyond the past and rarely have bright futures. Please don't let bitterness rob you of the joy that God has in store for you. Focus on being the best mom you can be and the most obedient follower of Jesus Christ that you can be.
In John 10:10 we read this:
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
Satan's work is unconditional. He's highly focused. Notice that the ONLY goal Satan, the thief, has is to steal and kill and destroy. At the very least he is trying to steal your happiness, kill your spirit and destroy your testimony.
But, also notice that Christ's reason for coming has some elements of conditionality as revealed by the word 'may' (Or, 'might' in other translations). He offers both Life and Abundant Life. But, it's up to us to let Him give us both. When Satan overplays his hand, as he has in your marriage, it becomes a wakeup call to us to turn AWAY from the thief and run into the arms of the one that truly loves us. You have your whole life ahead of you. Let Jesus make it an abundant one... overflowing with so much of His fruit that some day you can be up here encouraging others, with hope, that find themselves in your situation. May God bless you.
< Message edited by TMeeks -- 12/13/2007 9:58:49 PM >
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Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.
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RE: All I can say is.. I'm in need of prayer. - 12/13/2007 10:12:44 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1101
Joined: 4/29/2005
Status: offline
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Get out!
Forgive me for being blunt, but I don't know why you keep coming here to post and update us all with your latest events when you seem to have no intention of listening to even the most forceful and sound advice. Just poke around this forum to see how rare near-complete agreement of all posters occurs!
I want to tell you something about covenants that might seem like it's not practical advice, but maybe the understanding will give you strength to act. A covenant is a relationship that has a 'right' way of behaving, things the people 'owe' each other within the relationship as well as exclusive privileges. We all stand in covenant relationship with many people, becuase God defines a 'right' way to treat everyone.
A covenant is permanent, and while it can be broken by a violation of the obligations, it remains a broken covenant... it does not go away. All sin can be defined as a breaking of covenant. Covenants can also be restored through forgiveness and reconciliation, such as our restoration to God through His grace.
For example, there is a right way to treat a stranger on the street, to behave in a certain way, because you acknowledge that they are a human being made in the image of God. This is a covenant between all mankind. If you choose to steal from them or humiliate them, you have sinned against them (breaking the covenant) by disregarding what you owed them in-covenant.
When two people marry, they form a covenant. The obligations of this covenant are based partially on a basic monogamous relationship, and additionally on any specific promises made. Your husband has violated these obligations repeatedly, and the covenant between you is broken. (Restoration of any broken covenant is possible, but based on his behaviour, I would say he has no desire or intention to restore it, and it is impossible to do so without his participation.)
When a child is conceived a covenant is also formed. His or her mother (and father) have very real obligations towards that child, whether or not they like it. If they choose to violate that covenant that sin is certainly held against them (not a special kind of sin, regular sin that can be forgiven by God's grace like any other). As the mother of this child, you owe it love, safety and the best parenting you are able to offer. You can not offer this child either safety or anything approaching good parenting in the situation where you are with your husband.
So, what I am trying to say is that you now stand between 2 covenants... what you owe your child pulls you in one direction and what you think you owe your husband pulls you in the other. You are tempted to go with your husband because he seems more like the 'real' relationship, but that is NOT SO!
The covenant with your husband is broken. You need to choose now to live up to your covenant with your child. A broken covenant between 2 adults who can (and have) made their own choices CAN NOT be allowed to cause you to neglect your obligation to a child who is helpless and has no one but you to depend on.
Please, step up and choose to be strong enough to put your real obligations first!
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RE: All I can say is.. I'm in need of prayer. - 12/15/2007 3:42:26 AM
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Hazel2
Posts: 1142
Status: offline
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BethAnna, I just read your other thread re your pregnancy. Oh, my dear, I am so sad for you! Laura felt your situation warranted leaving for safety purposes. She may be right, but you know, your husband just might change! You said in your other post "He will never change." The thing is, you do not know this. He may! My own dh was not so sure about how he would feel for his children until they arrived. Now he is in love with them both!
But still ... I can't imagine going through a pregnancy with that kind of opposition. Your husband sounds a little scary ... if he believes you are ruining his life with this child, might he try to "fix" the situation? It is a horrible thought and brings me back to what Laura said ... flee! Go to a place where people will support you and keep you safe. By the way, I thought your way of telling your husband about your baby was cute ... any normal guy would have thought so.
Deermousie was right on target about David. No God fearing mad would set his sights on a married woman, no matter how troubled her marriage is. Watch out!
God bless you and your child.
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Will you please remember my husband, John, in prayer He is not saved. Thank you and God bless you!
"When two people agree on everything, one of them is not necessary"
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