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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 5/2/2008 8:32:07 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 1331
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: offline
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AnnieLaurieLie - your recovery is still early and i agree that there should be a time for asking questions. hurting found out 9 months ago and there have been no relapses since then. i believe after a period of time, it can be dangerous especially if the wayward spouse might still be considering leaving. a few betrayed spouses use the affair to beat the wayward spouse on top of the head with and manipulate to get their way. personally i found it very hard to not mention it from time to time - i wasn't sure how the balance between openness and honesty vs not mentioning it could work together. i believe you are sitll under 2 months and everything is very fresh. i'd like to mention that affairs are addictions. wayward spouses thought process is clouded - if they were thinking rationally, they likely wouldn't have had an affair. thus you probably aren't going to like some of the answers your husband reveals to you. wayward spouses are caught between two worlds and the thought process is anything but stable. there were probably some days when your husband would have told her to back off about a future together and then other days when he would toss out an idea of moving in with her or looking for a joint apartment. your husband is with you now and has repented and is willing to work on the marriage - that is what most betrayed spouses want. is your husband open & honest with you about other matters - is he working on trying to build communication and a special closeness in general? he may be sincere when he says it shames him - many recovering addicts aren't proud of what they did.
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 5/2/2008 11:00:00 AM
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AnnieLaurieLie
Posts: 9
Joined: 4/16/2008
Status: offline
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Actually, he doesn't say they made plans to be together, he says he deflected her attempts to become more involved because to him she was porn and he didn't want to get involved with her otherwise. He says he wouldn't even talk to her on the phone, lying to her and telling her he didn't have a cell phone, and not calling her when she gave him her number. He says he lied to her and lead her on to keep her writing to him, saying he couldn't leave because of the kids, etc...
I think she felt he cared for her whether he did or not, obviously. And I think he got something out of knowing there was someone out there who "wanted" him and thought he was the cat's pajamas. I think that was mean of him, if that's true.
In any event, whether lies or not, I want to know. I can make my own decisions on whether he was lying to her at the time or is lying to me now.
I think it's a good sign he feels ashamed of himself for lying to her, if that's in fact what he did. And yes, he is making all the right moves now except for this one area where he gets angry about talking about it. It's a real sticking point because, frankly, the more resistant he is to talking about it, the more it makes me think he has something to hide, which also makes it more difficult for me to drop it and move on.
We do have good days, so it's not all negative.
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 5/2/2008 1:23:07 PM
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TMeeks
Posts: 1395
Joined: 1/27/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AnnieLaurieLie
Actually, he doesn't say they made plans to be together, he says he deflected her attempts to become more involved because to him she was porn and he didn't want to get involved with her otherwise. He says he wouldn't even talk to her on the phone, lying to her and telling her he didn't have a cell phone, and not calling her when she gave him her number. He says he lied to her and lead her on to keep her writing to him, saying he couldn't leave because of the kids, etc...
I think she felt he cared for her whether he did or not, obviously. And I think he got something out of knowing there was someone out there who "wanted" him and thought he was the cat's pajamas. I think that was mean of him, if that's true.
In any event, whether lies or not, I want to know. I can make my own decisions on whether he was lying to her at the time or is lying to me now.
I think it's a good sign he feels ashamed of himself for lying to her, if that's in fact what he did. And yes, he is making all the right moves now except for this one area where he gets angry about talking about it. It's a real sticking point because, frankly, the more resistant he is to talking about it, the more it makes me think he has something to hide, which also makes it more difficult for me to drop it and move on.
We do have good days, so it's not all negative.
One of the things that a 'wronged' partner must be very careful to avoid is in taking on being wronged as a 'power position'. He is wrong. He knows he was wrong. God knows he was wrong. And, the details really won't matter in a lifetime.
The goal is restoration. And, as long as both of you keep that in mind, then things can go forward. Yes, you will have trust issues and he will absolutely have to leave behind ANY vestige of porn, etc. But, many, many couples have weathered the storm that you are going through.
As for divorce, the ramifications for your children would never cease... right up through the grandchildren and great grandchildren. That is certainly one reason why a THRIVING restoration is the best possible goal. Don't just stay together for the children... THRIVE for the children.
_____________________________
Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 5/3/2008 1:11:36 PM
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AnnieLaurieLie
Posts: 9
Joined: 4/16/2008
Status: offline
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Interesting..."power position" in what way?
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 5/4/2008 6:21:24 PM
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readytogoon
Posts: 3
Joined: 5/4/2008
Status: offline
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i was the one cheated on by my husband, he would flaunt it right in my face, then act like it was nothing, it was all my fault because i yelled at him, we were married one year(2nd time for me) first for him. he met her on a online computer game... it was the worst time of my life, because of that i ended up in the hospital with a subdura hematoma, because of stress. he refused to care for me so i had no choice but to leave. i came back into the state after 4 months of recupe, tried to make the marragie work but he refuses all he sees is that i left him, not what he nee. but i said all that to say this, i have forgiven him , and love him with all my heart. we have been seperated for 4 years, the only thing that i can do now is just pray pray and pray that God will change his heart and that he gives his life to the Lord. Forgiveness will come if you give this problem to the Lord. Because of God i can honestly say that I have peace and joy in my life no matter what happens to our marraige. God is bigger that any problem, and all things are possibel with God.
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RE: How do I put adultery in the past?? - 5/7/2008 3:12:04 PM
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mary0965
Posts: 43
Joined: 12/6/2007
Status: offline
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I have been away for awhile also but still check in from time to time to give encouragement! I am a survivor for 1 year and 2 months now since I found out about the affair - everything that has been stated by some very spiritually filled christian people on this site is true! You CAN restore your marriage, it CAN be better than ever before, and you CAN get through it!! With God's help and direction anything is possible!! Like TMeeks says - what good is it going to do to know all the details - someone very close to me and very wise once said - it would do more harm to our marriage than good and if we were going to reconcile then we needed to focus our attention on that and move forward and not backwards - have that long final talk with your spouse - decide the direction of your marriage and move forward - remember God hates divorce and remember your children and passing on from generation to generation - God Bless to All
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