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JCMK -> RE: I want my life back. (7/29/2008 11:57:51 AM)
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UPDATE -
It's been six months and I thought that I would let everybody know how I'm doing.
In February I decided to move out of the house where we lived. It was our dreamhouse and we had just finished remodeling it two years before he left. I loved it, but it became a burden to live there. I was grieving so much and had so many memories there - good and bad.
I moved closer to my children, grandchildren and parents. Plus my drive is a lot closer to my church.
It was really hard to move. I know that I will never have a house that nice with so many new rooms and built just like I wanted. I thought that it would help me a lot more than it did to get away from the house because I didn't leave all the pain behind - it came with me.
I found a nice Townhouse that is half the size of my house, but plenty big for me. My big house is still up for sale and I have a lease-purchase contract on the Townhouse.
I had to sell a good part of my furniture and I gave away a lot of things. Still, I have so much "stuff"! There just isn't enough room here, but I sell on eBay, so hopefully I'll eventually get organized.
I love living in this little town and being close to everybody. That is the good part. The hard part is that I still miss my husband. He called me at least one a week until about two months ago and I finally made it clear to him that he couldn't have his cake and eat it too. No one in my family wanted me to keep talking to him, but I was holding onto "hope". And I told myself that I was the only person who would talk to him about the Lord and Church and getting his life straightened up. He would listen and said that it meant a lot to him for me to give him scriptures and so on. And he would tell me that he loved me and was just in a trap that he couldn't get out of. He also asked me to not give up on him. So he was saying the words that I needed and wanted to hear, yet he never changed his lifestyle. He is still living with his girlfriend. I finally had to let go. He's a grown man. He made his choices and he knew right from wrong. I guess it was a boost to his ego to string me along at the same time that he was living with her.
The last time that we talked, he told me that he was going to church. It is a denomination that is a whole lot different than the one we went to. I don't want to judge, but I doubt that he will hear the truth of the Word enough to condemn him for the life that he is living. I asked him if "she" went with him and he said she did sometimes. Then I asked him if he felt strange to sit in church beside the woman that he is living in sin with. He didn't say anything.
So.....I give up. He's gone. I feel that I did all that I could do. I waited on him for almost two years. Some people said that I was a fool to do that, but at least my conscience is clear.
That part is over, but I still don't have a handle on my life. I still don't see any future. I have nothing to look forward to. I've tried to continue doing things that I love to do. It still hurts to go to church and remember where we used to sit together, but I go. It's hard to go to Gospel Concerts - which I love to do more than anything - but I go alone, and that's hard.
For two years I have gone to the Gaither Family Fest in Gatlinburg all by myself. I sit in a Convention Center with 8,000 people and feel alone and invisible. Almost like I am on another planet. People are friendly, but then I have to walk to the Motel alone. It's not much fun to walk around Town by myself.
A lot of people tell me to make friends with women. I've just never done that. I always wrapped my life around my marriage, my husband, my children, and Church. And Church was the packaging that held all the other together. I never felt the need to have a "girls night out", join a club of women, or go on a weekend Holiday with a bunch of women. I always wanted to be with my husband. So at my age, it's hard to find single women as much as it is to find a single man. One who likes to do the same things that I do and who I would get along with.
So.....I'm still struggling. I'm still wounded and I still grieve. But at least I don't cry 8 hours everyday. I'm past begging God to send him back. I have accepted that I am alone and will be for the rest of my life. At the healthy and active age of 60, that isn't a very comforting thought.
I know that there are a lot of people who have it worse than I do. I am thankful for what I have. My main prayer now is that my house will sell soon as I am paying double mortgages and utilities. The Realestate market is slow now, but I know that God could sell my house regardless.
Thanks again for everyone's support and prayers. It's slow-going. I see my life going by and I'm stuck in limbo of grief and aloneness. I don't want to be this way and hope that I soon find a reason for my life, and something that brings me happiness.
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