RE: Working (outside the home) Wives/Moms Support Thread
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RE: Working (outside the home) Wives/Moms Support Thread - 1/9/2008 2:19:46 PM
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moon_mouse
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I also find that I have an easier time socializing with working women, just because I tend to have more in common with them, and the conversation does tend to be...perhaps broader is the best term. However, I still find that criticism of my lifestyle usually has more to do with being childless by choice than with being employed. I've actually never been told by anyone that I shouldn't be working because I'm married. (Although I have been told I care too much about my work, and that I have too many other outside activities.) It's when people ask if I plan on continuing to work when I have kids (and it usually is when, not if) and I tell them I'm not planning on children, that the criticism comes. And it comes from both SAHM's and WOHM's, but as I pointed out before, the bent sometimes varies by the snarker's employment status.
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RE: Working (outside the home) Wives/Moms Support Thread - 1/9/2008 2:36:58 PM
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elastic
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well, we plan on having kids one day, but now that i'm in my 30's and i've been married for over 5 years, people have pretty much stopped asking me 'when' i'm going to have them(except for my mother). they just assume that i'm not, and that's ok too because for the moment, i'm not.
...and....on the baby front, another thing that bothers me is when i do tell people that i plan to have children they will say.."well, you'd better start now because you are getting too old to have them". i usually say that i don't have to give birth myself, i'm perfectly happy to adopt.....then their jaws drop like i've uttered an unimaginable sentence....
"adoption??? why would you want to raise someone else's baby?" they ask in amazement.
well, why wouldn't i want to love some child who is already here on the planet who has no one else to love him/ her?
it is astonishing too because many of these people are pro-lifers.....in that they encourage keeping the baby or giving it up for adoption (if you are a pregnant mother thinking of abortion) but they (almost) never offer to adopt the baby themselves or encourage others to adopt....at least that's been my experience, especially among the QF'ers. adoption is really NOT a dirty word. it's the most beautiful thing there is IMHO, a wonderful miracle.
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"You are so right elastic" ~Qtman
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RE: Working (outside the home) Wives/Moms Support Thread - 1/9/2008 2:38:21 PM
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moon_mouse
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Yup, things were definately easier when I had some element of "maybe some day" in the equation. And, since I married at 24, people assumed for a while that I was just waiting to have a little time with hubby or that I was still enamoured of my career and would get bored with it (oh boredom, that's a great reason to have a child  ). But, by the time we reached our 5th anniversary, people started to really get insistent about prying into the baby-making plans, and we had decided that was not for us. That's when I found out that there is a whole heap of difference between "not now" and "not ever"! I've had both WOH and SAH mothers tell me I should have kids, but the SAHM's are certainly more militant about it. (As an aside, the ones that crack me up are church ladies who have met me a few times and are really just acquaintances who say "but you'd be such a good mother." Ummmm, obviously you've never seen me around kids, LOL!)
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RE: Working (outside the home) Wives/Moms Support Thread - 1/9/2008 2:40:04 PM
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moon_mouse
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quote:
ORIGINAL: elastic
adoption is really NOT a dirty word. it's the most beautiful thing there is IMHO, a wonderful miracle.
If it was good enough for God, who adopted us as sons and heirs, why isn't it good enough for them?! 
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RE: Working (outside the home) Wives/Moms Support Thread - 1/9/2008 2:42:52 PM
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stellaluna
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I get some weird looks, too, when I mention adoption. But how can a person, especially one claiming to have any iota of maternal instinct, look at those children without parents and not have their heart break. I swear I'd take them all if I could.
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RE: Working (outside the home) Wives/Moms Support Thread - 1/9/2008 3:29:21 PM
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lexie
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I recently told someone that we are planning on adopting a child. Her response was "why wouldn't you have more of your own." Umm...we plan on having more of our own as well as someone elses. But this is one of those people who think their way is the best way but doesn't see the consequences of their way.
I find it interesting when I hear working women say that they prefer to interact with other working women as opposed to sahm's. I know there are exceptions to every rule and I'm one of them. Honestly, I can talk international politics, sports, entertainment with the best of them. I talked about it before I had my daughter, and I still want to talk about it. I talk about babies with my husband, my family and other mom's at playgroup. I want to talk other things with other people. I mentioned it in another thread, that I actually get annoyed when all people want to talk about is my daughter. There is more to me than being a mom. I will talk about my daughter with you, and answer your questions but I don't want it to take up all of our time.
When any of my friends get married I say "when are you going to give my daughter a playmate?" Then I never mention it again. Besides the fact that they may not want children, there is also a chance they want a child and can't have one.
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RE: Working (outside the home) Wives/Moms Support Thread - 1/9/2008 3:37:17 PM
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moon_mouse
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quote:
ORIGINAL: lexie
Her response was "why wouldn't you have more of your own."
(Not directed at you, but at the concept in general.)
UGH, I hate "your own". An adopted child is the parents own! It's not loaned out on a lease, for Pete's sake! 
quote:
When any of my friends get married I say "when are you going to give my daughter a playmate?" Then I never mention it again. Besides the fact that they may not want children, there is also a chance they want a child and can't have one.
Well, thank you for not asking multiple times, and I know you don't mean any harm by asking once, but if they wanted you to know, they'd probably say something. I know for me it's not just people who repeatedly ask that irritates me, but the fact that just about everybody feels they need to ask at least once. After the nine-billionth time someone "humorously" asks just once, it's hard to give that wan Miss Manners smile. Just something to think about.
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RE: Working (outside the home) Wives/Moms Support Thread - 1/9/2008 3:42:25 PM
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elastic
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and another thing is YOU ( the collective you, not anyone in particular) and possibly YOUR FAMILY (again, the collective your family) are the ONLY ones who want to talk all day about YOUR CHILD.
unless you are in a mommy playgroup or some kind of club, even part of a message board where all people do is talk about their own children, NOBODY ELSE REALLY CARES. Really. I love kids, but when I go out with my friends who have children, I'll ask about their kids, and they update me, but I don't want to spend the entire time talking about their kids...i really don't care that much. (I might be making myself seem more insensitive than I really am, but I'm not sure how to word this any better)
really...people who have kids, they are wonderful and beautiful, the most important thing in your life..yadda, yadda, i get it...but I don't really want to focus my time and energy hearing more about your precious baby and their first poo, or their first tooth, or the first time they answered the phone. I'm not interested.
this post does make me sound evil doesn't it? i'm really not. i'm really quite caring. i'm sure parents don't want to hear about my day at the office the entire time we are together either.
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"You are so right elastic" ~Qtman
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RE: Working (outside the home) Wives/Moms Support Thread - 1/9/2008 3:46:12 PM
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moon_mouse
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I don't mind too much, as long as the parent in question doesn't mind hearing about my puppy, my latest feature story, or my struggles with my new bagpipe reed. Balance, reciprocity, and respect are key to any friendship, no matter a person's season or circumstances.
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RE: Working (outside the home) Wives/Moms Support Thread - 1/9/2008 3:46:42 PM
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lexie
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quote:
Just something to think about.
I understand...I know who I can ask that to and who I shouldn't ask that too, but thank you for your post. I think what it may come down to is I remember being asked that a lot but it was only the people who asked repeatedly (and would listen to me when I mentioned infertility) that got on my nerves.
quote:
UGH, I hate "your own". An adopted child is the parents own! It's not loaned out on a lease, for Pete's sake!
Seriously. My daughter does not look like me and people ask me all the time if she is mine, and it's annoying. Even if I didn't push her out of me, she would still be mine.
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RE: Working (outside the home) Wives/Moms Support Thread - 1/9/2008 3:52:01 PM
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moon_mouse
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quote:
ORIGINAL: lexie
Seriously. My daughter does not look like me and people ask me all the time if she is mine, and it's annoying. Even if I didn't push her out of me, she would still be mine.
Oh, for crying out loud, what is it with people?! What are people thinking when they ask questions like that?!
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RE: Working (outside the home) Wives/Moms Support Thread - 1/9/2008 4:02:12 PM
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moon_mouse
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quote:
ORIGINAL: elastic
hmmmm....perhaps i am more cold and heartless than i thought i was.
Not heartless, just perhaps a little less patient than some. I didn't say I cared about how cute little Suzie is when she sings the Barney song. I just said I didn't mind listening.
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RE: Working (outside the home) Wives/Moms Support Thread - 1/9/2008 4:05:25 PM
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LaurainAL
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You have cute fur babies Erin.
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My God! How little do my countrymen know what precious blessings they are in possession of, and which no other people on earth enjoy! ~Thomas Jefferson
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RE: Working (outside the home) Wives/Moms Support Thread - 1/9/2008 4:09:19 PM
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i_am_just_me
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quote:
ORIGINAL: elastic
and another thing is YOU ( the collective you, not anyone in particular) and possibly YOUR FAMILY (again, the collective your family) are the ONLY ones who want to talk all day about YOUR CHILD.
unless you are in a mommy playgroup or some kind of club, even part of a message board where all people do is talk about their own children, NOBODY ELSE REALLY CARES. Really. I love kids, but when I go out with my friends who have children, I'll ask about their kids, and they update me, but I don't want to spend the entire time talking about their kids...i really don't care that much. (I might be making myself seem more insensitive than I really am, but I'm not sure how to word this any better)
I completly agree with you!!!
I cant stand when a 30 yr old mom is talking about how little bubba went tinkle in the pottie because he is getting ready for big boy pants and no more diapie/wipies...first off, you're 30....stop talking like that. Secondly, I end up feeling like an idiot because it is taking me a second to translate what she just said into English.
I also have a different experience because I am in the military and I like in military housing (which includes an elementary school) so when I go to pick my kids up from school I am normally pretty excited because I dont get to do it often. But my kids teachers automatically assume that I am a stay at home because most of the mothers are...I always tell them during the first week of class, that I am the one in the military just to avoid later confusion, and then I get the "Oh, OK, I will make a note of that" Really do you need to make a note that both parents work?
Then at any military function, I automatically get the ever popular question
"what does your husband do in the Navy?" He makes sure that my couch doesnt go anywhere while I am on deployment! They dont even ask if I work, or maybe guess that I could be in the military too....
And with me being in the military, I cant talk to military wives too much because they do have so much pride in their husbands (which is good, military members need all of the support that they can get) but I cant sit their and listen while their wives are telling people things like, oh my husband is in charge of this (and he's something like an E-3 that has been in for 3 years --- he's not in charge of much) , and he does this, and he has to be on the ship 2 hours before it leaves to make sure that the ship is ready to go (newsflash, we all do, it takes that long to get it together - they crank it up 24 hours before it leaves) and most importantly - the ship would still leave if he wasnt there. Stop watching the join the Navy commercials thats not what we really do. (sidenote - I have been in for over 12 years. ) So yes, still support them, and be proud of what they do, but dont overdramatize it to make it sound better ....
WOW! I am really glad that I got that out! I will step down from my soapbox now! 
_____________________________
- Lynn
Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting. - John Russell
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RE: Working (outside the home) Wives/Moms Support Thread - 1/9/2008 4:13:22 PM
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moon_mouse
Posts: 468
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quote:
ORIGINAL: i_am_just_me
I cant stand when a 30 yr old mom is talking about how little bubba went tinkle in the pottie because he is getting ready for big boy pants and no more diapie/wipies...first off, you're 30....stop talking like that. Secondly, I end up feeling like an idiot because it is taking me a second to translate what she just said into English.
And if we must talk about such things, can we please, please, please not talk about them when we are eating! I especially don't need to know the color and texture of what dropped in the pottie!
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RE: Working (outside the home) Wives/Moms Support Thread - 1/9/2008 4:14:09 PM
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doinkdom
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From: The higher lowcountry
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quote:
ORIGINAL: i_am_just_me
And with me being in the military, I cant talk to military wives too much because they do have so much pride in their husbands (which is good, military members need all of the support that they can get) but I cant sit their and listen while their wives are telling people things like, oh my husband is in charge of this (and he's something like an E-3 that has been in for 3 years --- he's not in charge of much) , and he does this, and he has to be on the ship 2 hours before it leaves to make sure that the ship is ready to go (newsflash, we all do, it takes that long to get it together - they crank it up 24 hours before it leaves) and most importantly - the ship would still leave if he wasnt there. Stop watching the join the Navy commercials thats not what we really do. (sidenote - I have been in for over 12 years. ) So yes, still support them, and be proud of what they do, but dont overdramatize it to make it sound better ....
I am an AF brat and dad was a lifer...so I've seen what you're talking about.
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RE: Working (outside the home) Wives/Moms Support Thread - 1/9/2008 4:15:47 PM
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elastic
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From: NYC
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i'm the same way about my husband...i mean, he is an amazing, awesome, super duper man, but when i'm out with people, i generally don't gush about him unless they ask,,,,,and even when i give info about him, i don't continue to gush unless they probe.
i am the only one who is in love with my husband and nobody else really wants to hear about it....that's why i get most of my gushy posts on this board,,,where i can talk about him and how awesome he is in the gushy threads....the threads that people read because they want to read about wives gushing on their men. but normally, i don't just blurt out to all my friends on a daily basis about how awesome and amazing my dh is.....however, he IS awesome and amazing. 
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"You are so right elastic" ~Qtman
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But in my life, it is my SAHM friends who believe I should have children. The working moms I know don't really seem to care either way. 
. My mom was asked those questions all the time and she got annoyed with them, too. 
