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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 2/1/2008 11:40:46 AM
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jaimestarcross
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Since this female friend doesn't allow her husband to have alone time with a female - then you and your husband need to have meals together w/her & her husband and your husband should not any more meals alone with his female friend --- because she's doing the opposite of what she allows for her own husband is wrong and your husband spending time alone over lunch with her will create conflict in her marriage should her husband find out.... real friends shouldn't create or get involved in complications such as this... it will lead to trouble!
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 2/2/2008 8:02:23 PM
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newfaith19
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I'm new to this forum mainly because I was trying to find out why a longtime friend of mine completely quit talking to me after he got married. We never dated, I was one of his few close friends (3 girls, 1 guy) and was invited to the wedding. I certainly expected my friend to focus on his marriage and didn't think we would ever hang out together to talk about books anymore, but still...you don't really expect an old friend from college to tell you 6 months after the wedding that he is dropping his female friends because his wife thinks male/female friendships are wrong.
Basically, I don't think it was very nice to invite your husband's friends to the wedding, accept presents from them all, and then make it clear he can't have any communication in the future. I am not the sort of person who would ever cheat on my boyfriend, not even if we were experiencing problems, and I would never do anything to hurt a friend. I would never cause that kind of pain to my friend, who loves wife, because I want him to be happy. All I expected, as an old college friend, was a Christmas card and maybe an occassional get together with my friend, his wife, and me & my boyfriend.
At any rate, I repected my friend's wishes and allowed our friendship to die. How exactly is this Christian? I think it's very sad that people are so insecure and distrustful that they insist on thinking the worst of their husbands. By the way, a man who is going to cheat is going to cheat because something is fundamentally wrong with the marriage. No temptation in the world can cause a truly committed person to sin; temptation is there to test your virtue and if you are truly virtuous you will resist.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 2/2/2008 9:23:20 PM
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keepitreal
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quote:
By the way, a man who is going to cheat is going to cheat because something is fundamentally wrong with the marriage. No temptation in the world can cause a truly committed person to sin; temptation is there to test your virtue and if you are truly virtuous you will resist.
I used to believe this. I have since experienced many years of eye-opening real life. Come back in about 10 years after you have watched wonderful Christians who were truly committed, fall..because they didn't believe it was possible. Those most in danger are the ones saying exactly what you are saying, and failing to put up boundaries because they think being committed is enough to guard their hearts.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 2/3/2008 2:41:19 AM
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brittdollas
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If your husband truly loves you and if you have a bond strong enough to believe in his trust then yes I would think it would be ok for him to have lunches sometimes but not all the time. Never let your guard down no matter how much you trust someone because as soon as you do thats when your most vulnerable.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 2/3/2008 3:47:47 AM
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FrenchLady
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Hello Maria speaking from living it this situation is a big red flag and do not allow it any further. My husband was having a friend at work for the past year and a half and i will never beleive anyone of the opposite sex again who is having lunches and saying they are just friends.He wanted us to be friends too and guess what? So he could still have his secret affair while i was pregnant with our fourth baby.
I will pray the Lord to show you the truth and beleive me unless he is having lunch with you as well there is definately something going on or about to happen. I am now in marriage counselling trying to pick up life after an affair and i pray it is not so for you and that you can stop it before it starts.
Ask him if he needs more love from you and or intimacy? Affair are happening because of missing something in the marriage i can see that now.It is an emotionnal need. I pray you will be ok. Give it all up to the Lord in the end none of us can do much more than that just cling to our Lord with all we got!
Ask your hubby to stop and tell him you don`t like it and see if it ends and if his response is easy. I fermly did beleive and now 100% am sure that none of us can have friends of the opposite sex without having some kind of attraction and flirting. It is definately a great trap the devil likes to set us up with.
God bless your union and keep you strong and alert
Amen
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 2/3/2008 3:29:25 PM
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Chimera7
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quote:
ORIGINAL: keepitreal
quote:
By the way, a man who is going to cheat is going to cheat because something is fundamentally wrong with the marriage. No temptation in the world can cause a truly committed person to sin; temptation is there to test your virtue and if you are truly virtuous you will resist.
I used to believe this. I have since experienced many years of eye-opening real life. Come back in about 10 years after you have watched wonderful Christians who were truly committed, fall..because they didn't believe it was possible. Those most in danger are the ones saying exactly what you are saying, and failing to put up boundaries because they think being committed is enough to guard their hearts.
Agreed. Satan will target the most upstanding, strong Christian marriages -men and women- with temptations to cheat. Anyone is capable of cheating and there are amazing Christians who let their guard down ONE time and slipped. We need to always have a little healthy fear in our hearts to keep us accountable and like Keepitreal said, "putting up boundaries." And to Newfaith19, it's one thing to be disappointed about the friendship ending, but you need to think about it from the wife's point of view. If you were newly married, would you feel comfortable with your husband going to another woman for attention/frienship vs. you? That's great if so, however. . .it's dangerous ground and if it was just a friendship, you seem a little overtly upset over losing it. I agree that how she handled it was probably not appropriate, inviting you to the wedding, etc and then cutting the cord. But when a marriage happens, a lot of different boundaries must be put up- for some, unfortunately it may mean ending friendships, but for the most part, it should be just not going anywhere alone with the opposite sex, not discussing martial problems with friends of the opposite sex. . . what is Christian about it is respecting your friend's request and honoring them in that- even if you don't like it or understand it. That definitely is kudos to you. 
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 2/3/2008 6:54:46 PM
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sjd2008
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Years ago when I was in my 30's (and married) I would have an occasional lunch with a woman who was 65. We were friends. We would talk about our respective jobs and families. Sometimes we would talk over what could be considered fairly personal information. Sometimes we'd talk on the phone (with my wife's knowledge)
For those of you who are against husbands having friends with a female, please comment. I am wondering what your opinions would be.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 2/3/2008 11:43:11 PM
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timzagain
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Having opposite sex friends is one thing! Socializing with them regularly without your spouse present is an entirely different matter.
Learned that lesson the hard way! Prior to marriage, most of my closest friends were male. It was that way from the time I was at school.
When I got married, it didn't occur to me that opposite sex friends was going to be a problem. My husband was particularly uncomfortable about one friend of mine, someone I considered to be one of my best friend. DH kept dropping hints about the friend - I guess he figured that if he came flat out and told me that he disapproved, I would have been hurt that he didn't trust me!
Turns out that DH's were right! Suffice it to say that I had to terminate the friendship!
DH had a female friend that set my alarm bells off from the day I met her! shortly after she divorced (for the second time), I realized that the e-mail and instant messaging with DH increased. At around the same time, we were facing some challenges in our family that would have made both us very vulnerable! The last thing we needed was to be crying on someone else's shoulder!
Thankfully, he listened when I asked him to limit his interaction with her. She has since moved on to another relationship.
My advice - stay away from opposite sex friendships that don't include the spouse! That's trouble looking for somewhere to happen!
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 2/4/2008 12:13:16 PM
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mrtigger
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I think this thread is a good example of what can go wrong in male/female friendships.
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Time alone with a non-related person of the opposite sex - 2/4/2008 5:51:16 PM
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Karaboo2
Posts: 2346
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From: Ontario, Canada
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I have known my friend for 10 years ... our husbands became friends through us. She was the maid of honour at our wedding and I, the matron of honour at hers.
Twice per year I go to lunch alone with her husband, and twice per year she goes to lunch alone with my husband. The reason? The men feel that we gals are more in tune with the others 'wishes' than they will ever be. We go out right before the wife's birthday and the couple's anniversary.
Need clarification? Their anniversary is mid-May. The first week of April, I will be going for dinner with her husband so he can generate a good list of gift ideas. He would never guess that her #1 wish this year would be for a pampering day since she has been working double shifts as of late (she just wants one morning where someone else does her hair, makeup, etc)
And she would be passing on to my hubby that I would love a day without housework, without the kids around, and just to enjoy being a couple again -- with a picnic at the local conservation area. Sorry, a new blender just ain't gonna cut it!
Either way, we all know ahead of time what is happening ... just that the conversation is such that the other spouse shouldn't be present ... (inevitably we gals ask the other what they suggested ... we never tell, of course. Last time she asked, I replied "a lizard!"
So there are circumstances like this where I feel it is totally okay and appropriate to dine alone with someone of the opposite gender who isn't your spouse. But there are other times where it crosses the line into the questionable field. (Like the woman whose husband was calling and texting and keeping secrets about the conversations)
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RE: Time alone with a non-related person of the opposit... - 2/7/2008 4:21:08 AM
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beautyforashes81
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It is not okay
Been there and it's just not ok!
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 2/7/2008 4:23:54 PM
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satho
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From: New Hampshire
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NO!!! "Abstain from all appearance of evil" (I Thessalonians 5:22)
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 2/8/2008 5:17:47 PM
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Tameko
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It all depends on the couple. My husband don't have female friends. That is his choice. Now, when it comes to me. I have male associates. Yet, when I talk to them or anything like that. My husband knows all about it. We have no secret.
I agree with everyone else. If this bother you. You should talk to your friend. Also, make it about to go out with them together. If you can't make it. He shouldn't either. How do he feel if you go out with a male?
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 8/11/2008 8:00:58 AM
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blessed27
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I truly believe that satin will test anyone on this and that no healthy red blooded man or woman can stand up to this temptation. They should not even try.
As marrieds we should not allow ourselves the possiblility of any time alone that will tempt us to sin. Mine got involved with others on the internet before I realized what was going on. I found evidence of emails, sharing photos, sharing audios, videos and all sorts of communications. He with-drew from our marriage relationship and was entranced by all the attention. I am sure it started out with gaming and with no intentions of being tempted but it escalated over time and the opinions of his friends in the world almost drew him in completely and was enticing him away from our family.
Untill he learned the principles of marriage according to the Bible he didn't feel any wrong-doing. Now he says he knows it is wrong. We have been studying the scriptures on marriage for months now. He re-dedicated his life to God and got baptized again. God changed his heart but I believe the world almost had him convinced our marriage was over. I didn't have a clue it was going on at the time. He never mis-treated me.
The world will tell you it is all normal to flirt and have opposite gender friends and that any doubts you have about your marriage are all caused by problems within the marriage. Not true- they are caused by the lust that sin causes a man or woman to feel when they endulge in worldy things and worldy conversation- day in and day out. The first lie or hidden fact will pave the way.
Read 'all' the principles of marriage and don't leave anything out and you will see the truth.. God bless and may God guide you- always.
Don't listen to the world. Lean on the word of God.[color=#33CCFF]
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 8/11/2008 12:33:27 PM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 1497
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From: One of the coldest places on Earth
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quote:
ORIGINAL: newfaith19
At any rate, I repected my friend's wishes and allowed our friendship to die. How exactly is this Christian? I think it's very sad that people are so insecure and distrustful that they insist on thinking the worst of their husbands. By the way, a man who is going to cheat is going to cheat because something is fundamentally wrong with the marriage. No temptation in the world can cause a truly committed person to sin; temptation is there to test your virtue and if you are truly virtuous you will resist.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 8/11/2008 3:05:48 PM
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sudden
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Hi Maria:
Yes, I do think that men can have female friends providing that the friendship is inclusive of the wife's friendship as well. My husband routinely does lunch with his female co-workers sometimes as a group and sometimes with individuals. I like you am not at all jealous of this behaviour. Lunch seems completely harmless to me.
I do think it odd though that an adult (Laura) would attempt to "not permit" another adult (her husband) to do anything. It seems to me that it is not for an adult to tell another adult what to do unless the adult is one's boss. Enough said.
If you feel there is nothing to be concerned about there likely is not. You know the two of them, we do not.
Sudden
_____________________________
I will lie down in rest and sleep and peace, for thou, O Lord, only makest me to dwell in safety.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 8/11/2008 3:38:56 PM
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sudden
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Dear Moselfn:
I just read down the posts as far as this one and wanted to respond:
quote:
ORIGINAL: moselfn
. I do feel she is giving him something I'm not, and it makes me feel like I'm failing.
You are not failing! It is not possible for any human to provide all the needs of another human being. Only God can do that!
It is natural for human beings to seek out what they need in others. That is why we all have numerous friends! It is IMPOSSIBLE to get everything we need from ONE person. Conversely it is IMPOSSIBLE to provide everything that your husband or your other friends need and that is why they have friends. It is also the reason you have several friends.
Take the pressure off yourself. Your husband chose you because you are the person who fulfills MOST of his needs.
The idea that you are failing is a lie. You are NOT failing!
Sudden
_____________________________
I will lie down in rest and sleep and peace, for thou, O Lord, only makest me to dwell in safety.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 8/11/2008 3:43:11 PM
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buckifn
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quote:
By the way, a man who is going to cheat is going to cheat because something is fundamentally wrong with the marriage.
Actually there are a lot of people, both men and women, who have affairs simply for the thrill and excitement of something new and it has absolutely nothing to do with the status of their marriage.
I know 1 male who has had an ongoing affair with another male for 3 years and is more than happy to maintain his marriage as the status quo. He has no desire to end either relationship.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 8/11/2008 3:57:12 PM
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hjemerson
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Well I guess I be the odd one here I been married to my HD 30 years we have both had to work and have had friend of the other sex In which we had close working and had many lunches together, We have even had to work in driffernt states for a year. I have never had the reason to cheat and MY hd has never had a reason to cheat .we are a christian couple that has Kept Christ as the center of all our friend know this and we have had many great oppsite sex friend many times I have kept in touch with them as we have moved from the area . Same for my HD we share the news and events , My best freind I married to and my best friend,second best frend is a male, same for my husband also . So I belive if you are open don"t go hidding and telling stories to keep thing from each other you can have friends and I feel sad for any one that has had to drop friends in the name of "Chrisian" If a person go looking out to cheat they will find it!! I do belive if you donot get it(friendship.companeship,etc at home you will go looking other place) Openess and truth is second to Having a Christian friend/ male or female!
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 8/11/2008 4:12:28 PM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 1497
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From: One of the coldest places on Earth
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quote:
ORIGINAL: hjemerson
So I belive if you are open don"t go hidding and telling stories to keep thing from each other you can have friends and I feel sad for any one that has had to drop friends in the name of "Chrisian" If a person go looking out to cheat they will find it!! I do belive if you donot get it(friendship.companeship,etc at home you will go looking other place) Openess and truth is second to Having a Christian friend/ male or female!
I think this is a big thing in this whole discussion. I could totally see where a wife or husband would be concerned if they found out that their spouce were seeing/talking to a friend of the oposite sex in secret, or being dishonest about it.
If you're not doing anything wrong, you shouldn't have to hide the friendship from your spouce. When you start having to keep things from them, however, that's when there's trouble.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 8/11/2008 5:51:20 PM
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becomingwhole
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My dh and I do not have friendships with the opposite sexes. I do not control him, and he does not demand it of me. We agreed on this after our first marriage ended in him leaving for another woman. Yes, he did repent, when God finally brought him to his senses. We did eventually remarry, but both have a keen understanding of how quick attachments can be formed. For those who argue it is because something is wrong at home, I can give you the argument that was not true in our case. Even in counseling I learned he was happy, but then he got caught up in something that made him feel like a kid again. He describes it as additive, and admits when it all came into the light, it became as any other relationship. Funny how what we do in the dark, seems so much more fun and exciting then done in the light, figuratively speaking of course.
Becomingwhole.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 8/14/2008 9:31:09 PM
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belia77
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Well, No......a married person should not have a opposite sex friend, especially if they are married, and never to go out alone. Yea, she seems like she is not being honest because why would her husband let her have a guy friend and not a female friend????? that just seems weird to me. Personally, I would not let my husband have any female friends.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 8/15/2008 2:36:59 PM
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DaveW
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I think this rule falls under this category:
Col 2:23 These are matters which have, to be sure, the appearance of wisdom in self-made religion and self-abasement and severe treatment of the body, but are of no value against fleshly indulgence.
It sounds right, but is it? As in anything, one should proceed with wisdom. If something starts going the wrong way, back it off. I have heard this rule of a married man never being alone with a woman as an excuse to leave a friend stranded with a broken down car.
If you are weak or immature in this area, grow up. Jesus had no problem being alone with married women.
_____________________________
Avatar is Saphira 5 months and Louvena at 23 months!
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 8/18/2008 1:11:12 PM
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sdesir
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I am in the middle. I had it done to me. My husband, now soon to be ex-husband had plenty of female friends. First, I was okay with it bcuz I wanted to truly trust him. Then the iffy started. Late phone calls, explicit emails, and when we would have discussions he would point out what his friends did better wether it was cooking and stuff. He started out of the nowhere buying male equipments. Finally, couple women came up to me and told me of the affairs and one claimed to be pregnant. The list goes on and on. Even trying to reconcillate the marriage was a nightmare because the women were still in the picture and he refused to let them go. I dont even believe in male and female friendship unless they are married and even then i am skeptical. If I had to this again I would have made a set a rules like some of the tread replyers. All u need is one good arguement for a slip up. Soon she will be his comforter and he will replace you with her. U will be the chop liver and she will become the ribeye steak
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 8/27/2008 11:52:05 PM
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blessed27
Posts: 19
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Believe me ladies when I say If your husband is in the presence of females that Saten can use his weakest point to attack him with temptation if attention from women is his weakness.
There are not many men who can resist the attentions of other women and women are bold these days. There are many lonely women around and there is always one who is not afraid to go after another's man or who doesn't see any wrong doing when she does it.
The person who wrote there are those in this world who just want the thrills and it is true that it has nothing to do with the woman they married is RIGHT. Those who don't know or bother to seek God's way are living the way of the world and most believe cheating is a natural thing and they blame it on the wives or husbands of the cheaters. That is not even the reason the cheat. It is the thrill that gets hold of them.
And- that it is more exciting when the danger of being caught makes it so- is the bare truth.
Another thing- also- if your man looks at porn he is susceptible to cheating eventually. If he hides anything pertaining to such habits he is likely to slip up eventually and cheat. It is a danger at the first email or the first lie if he has women friends. And it gets more exciting and fun all the time for him. It is a rare man who won't put himself in that place of danger if he is not living a Chrisitan life.
It is only when one learns the true principles of the Biblical and Christian ways that one will not be as likely to be tempted but the temptation will probably still be there somewhat even then.
Knowing Christian ways and how to combat the world with God's word is our weapon. Even good Christian men and women can be tempted because the Devil is always looking to lure any of us back any way he can.
Laying down rules and learning the principles of Biblical law is our assurance that things will be good but not perfect.
Living a Christian life has the blessings of Christ but the things of the world will never stop tempting us toward being drawn back into the ways of the world..
And no one- male or female can ever let our guards down and we can never put ourselves in the position of being able to follow through with temptations that can be there for anyone.
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