Why Do Some Guys Say Things Like This??? (Full Version)

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hispen -> Why Do Some Guys Say Things Like This??? (2/8/2008 2:35:29 PM)

I am very very close friends with a fellow believer who is still working out some 'issues' in his walk with Christ. He constantly tells me he loves me, I have a special place in his heart, he thinks of us and our future marriage and ministry together, etc.... This man is stable in almost every other area of his life (financial, health, family, employment, etc..) but he is not where he should be in Christ.

We are truly only friends, and yes, I have admitted that I too have feelings for him. Today he says after talking to me, sometimes he just wants to go out engagement ring shopping! I laughed it off, but of course, inside I wanted to scream, for many reasons.

Brothers, why do some guys say things like this when you know you're not ready for whatever reason to make a committment?

Please please give me your comments and don't hold back. I want to hear things from a brother's perspective.



RichLP -> RE: Why Do Guys Say Things Like This??? (2/8/2008 2:59:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hispen

I am very very close friends with a fellow believer who is still working out some 'issues' in his walk with Christ. He constantly tells me he loves me, I have a special place in his heart, he thinks of us and our future marriage and ministry together, etc.... This man is stable in almost every other area of his life (financial, health, family, employment, etc..) but he is not where he should be in Christ.

We are truly only friends, and yes, I have admitted that I too have feelings for him. Today he says after talking to me, sometimes he just wants to go out engagement ring shopping! I laughed it off, but of course, inside I wanted to scream, for many reasons.

Brothers, why do you guys say things like this when you know you're not ready for whatever reason to make a committment?

Please please give me your comments and don't hold back. I want to hear things from a brother's perspective.


I must say you're giving limited information, because you leave me to guess as to "where he should be in Christ." And how old is he? I ask because a man's age is important. How old are you, if you don't mind answering?

I don't think you should say "brothers why do you say things like this." Granted, as some women here know, I've been guilty of stereotyping you women. But I will bluntly say a man has absolutely no business telling a woman about engagement ring shopping, a married future, that she occupies a special place in his heart, and that HE LOVES HER... unless he is ready and willing to ask her to marry him.

Now, it may be that deep down he has a conviction that you are the woman of his life, and who knows? Maybe you are; maybe God wills that you 2 marry. But if he's not ready, he should wait and tell you in no unclear terms that he's waiting and that if you're willing to wait for him, that you'll need to wait.

I strenuously disapprove of this man's actions.



NoShow -> RE: Why Do Guys Say Things Like This??? (2/8/2008 3:47:57 PM)

I'm with Rich, I've never done anything like that, personally.

It sounds like it could be low self-esteem or insecurity as to where he stands with you. Almost like he's looking for confirmation that you'll say "yes", if he were to actually\directly ask.



buckifn -> RE: Why Do Guys Say Things Like This??? (2/8/2008 5:12:49 PM)

I've never said anything like that. Why don't you just ask him about it?

I don't know what you mean by "not where he should be in Christ" but we are either saved or we aren't and all of us are growing when connected to Him....so are you saying he is using spiritual reasons to not commit to you, or is that holding you back from commiting with him?



hispen -> RE: Why Do Guys Say Things Like This??? (2/8/2008 7:01:09 PM)

Thanks RichLP, NoShow, and buckifn I appreciate your replies.

RichLP, we are both in our 40's - and you are right, I should not have generalized. I went back and edited it to say "why do some guys"... Sometimes I do think that this is his way of telling me he thinks I'm the one and he wants me to wait. Other times I don't know.....

NoShow, I agree that he may be trying to get a yes ahead of time. I always read where some men are acutally just as insecure as women are and really hate rejection.

buckifin, he is using spiritual reasons not to commit to me mostly because of his character (he's a good guy really) and also because as my friend, he is aware that my last (and only) relationship since I've been saved (1990) was with an unbeliever from my past and how hurt I was when I finally ended things because the man just did not want to be saved. I know I shouldn't have dated this man to begin with, and that's why I finally did end things, that's really off subject. And so I guess I too am holding back from my friend for the same reason.

And buckifn, I know, why don't I just ask him about it, I know I should, but I guess deep down inside I'm afraid of what he might say..........

You know when he said about the engagement ring, I actually responded, 'well my ring size is 8' in a joking way and then changed the subject. He did not bring it back up. He's been saying things like this since late October - early November. We've been friends for a few years.



John_O -> RE: Why Do Some Guys Say Things Like This??? (2/8/2008 9:42:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hispen

I am very very close friends with a fellow believer who is still working out some 'issues' in his walk with Christ. He constantly tells me he loves me, I have a special place in his heart, he thinks of us and our future marriage and ministry together, etc.... This man is stable in almost every other area of his life (financial, health, family, employment, etc..) but he is not where he should be in Christ.

We are truly only friends, and yes, I have admitted that I too have feelings for him. Today he says after talking to me, sometimes he just wants to go out engagement ring shopping! I laughed it off, but of course, inside I wanted to scream, for many reasons.

Brothers, why do some guys say things like this when you know you're not ready for whatever reason to make a committment?

Please please give me your comments and don't hold back. I want to hear things from a brother's perspective.



The reason he is doing this is that you are encouraging him to. (see your post 5) If he does it and you don't correct it, then you are agreeing with him in his eyes.

If he's talking future marriage, for example, and you don't se ethat ever happening, then you had better tell him so. Otherwise you'll find yourself engaged and wondering how did this happen.

KWIM?



hispen -> RE: Why Do Some Guys Say Things Like This??? (2/11/2008 12:58:39 PM)

Thanks John also for your comments.

This weekend I prayed and meditated earnestly about this situation and I have decided to just have a heart to heart with my friend. He has to know that while his comments do let me know how he feels about me, and even though I may feel the same, it is best that he not share any more until he is ready to take the next step. The main reason being that since November, my heart's been all a flutter which means I have not been guarding it as I should.

I am now praying for the Lord to open the door to that conversation and for peaceful results.

Thanks again guys for your sound advice.



NoShow -> RE: Why Do Guys Say Things Like This??? (2/11/2008 2:43:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: NoShow
It sounds like it could be low self-esteem or insecurity as to where he stands with you.


This maybe simply as a "man", but could also be specific to "as a Christian".



hispen -> RE: Why Do Guys Say Things Like This??? (2/11/2008 3:30:21 PM)

I think it could actually be both - how acceptable am I to him as a man and as a christian man.



hispen -> RE: Why Do Guys Say Things Like This??? (7/11/2008 7:54:47 AM)

To update, my friend has continued this his flirting comments (and yes, as someone above said, I let him, cause I didn't really tell him to stop or call him on it).

Well, last week, he started again, and I just went for it, and in essence, told him 1) we will never really know if we were meant to be until he comes back to God 2) i care for him and i'm here for him as a friend now, and perhaps as more once he's back on track spiritually, and 3) his soul is important to me, so I want to see him back with Christ regardless of what may or may not happen between us............

I felt that I was really being open with him. That was last Wednesday. I haven't heard from him since.
[sm=crystreams.gif]

Brothers, what did I do wrong?

4 hours later, now I'm not hearing from you guys either!!![:(]



NoShow -> RE: Why Do Guys Say Things Like This??? (7/11/2008 2:12:32 PM)

I would guess he probably got "scared" as it sounds like he's unsure, of himself, as to whether he can get where he should be in regards to the Lord.



ChoirDJ -> RE: Why Do Guys Say Things Like This??? (7/11/2008 3:31:43 PM)

quote:

Brothers, what did I do wrong?


Nothing....you held his foot to the fire and exposed him by calling him on his games and he took off. I don't have a lot of tolerance for someone who strings another person alone and plays with his/her emotions. Perhaps he will be back but I would consider his behavior as a serious red flag because he doesn't sound spiritually (or emotionally) mature enough to be in a relationship right now.

quote:

4 hours later, now I'm not hearing from you guys either!!!


Try not to jump to conclusions so quickly. This is not one of the areas that gets a lot of regular activity so it's not anything personal against you if men here don't respond as often.



colliefan -> RE: Why Do Guys Say Things Like This??? (7/11/2008 3:32:25 PM)

quote:


Please please give me your comments and don't hold back. I want to hear things from a brother's perspective[


If he is not prepared to be your spiritual leader you need to end the relationship. He is playing mind games with you about going shoping for enagement rings.

As much as it will hurt ending the relationship now, it will save much deeper grief should you become unequally yoked. Be sure and build - if you haven't already - a support network of sisters who can help in the time of grief that is sure to come.



davemiller7 -> RE: Why Do Guys Say Things Like This??? (7/11/2008 4:11:15 PM)

I'm thinking he said those things to you either as bait, hoping you would jump at it, or, just hoping that if he told you of his love, you wouldn't want to break his heart by finding someone else. Kinda hard to tell from a distance.

-Dave



terryjohn -> RE: Why Do Some Guys Say Things Like This??? (7/12/2008 3:43:20 PM)

The problem is guys have plans and ambitions that tend to dominate much of their thinking while they are young. Unfortunately, anything that would distract them or limit their fulfillment of their dream is resisted. So the idea of a wife or serious girlfriend causes most guys some problems for on one hand they enjoy the relationship but see the responsibility as a burden for most guys do truely take seriously their role to provide for and take care of a woman that depends on them.

You could say this is more than most can bear when struggling to buy a car or house, or finish their studies or gain advancement at work. It also is difficult when they have plans to go places for suddenly the costs are doubled. I guess we are shallow and only ever see a potential relationship as a burden. Do you know how much it costs to wine and dine a woman? Then there is the problem of having to treat her right by having all that the other guys would promise her. That is if the guy across the road has a car, then the comparison is that I too should have one or she might as well date him. The same goes with job, house, faith, clothes etc.. That is why beautiful, rich, educated and very faithful Christian girls scare guys for they know it would be very hard to keep up with them or to continually please them. I guess if you asked mosy guys when would you get married they would say once they have completed something they have a mind to do.

I did not get married until I was 35 for before that I had too much too do and the thought of having to drag a girlfriend or wife around was something I was not about to do. There is also the problem that fortunately or unfortunately once we committ to a serious relationship we have to give up some of our dreams and a lot of our freedom to do as we please. Hence, like any wild animal we do then resist others desire to tame and domesticate us. I mean when I was single I could jump on a plane and go overseas at a moments notice but now that may be vetoed as being irresponsible by my wife and I would be if I did not listen to her but I was not while I was single. I guess I only got married after I had done or accomplished all I could do by myself.



makarizo -> RE: Why Do Some Guys Say Things Like This??? (7/12/2008 4:26:59 PM)

don't leave any room for any doubt.
if you do, he will play the game a little harder.
does he walk into the conversation talking like that? or do you say something, or do something that causes it to start? (stop doing that)

allowing him to talk to you that way is what you have done wrong.

I know a lot of guys who do that, and then talk about it at work.. of course adding to the truth for good story telling.



hispen -> RE: Why Do Guys Say Things Like This??? (7/14/2008 7:38:31 AM)

Guys, I really appreaciate hearing responses from godly men on this board.

Reading your replies has really helped my dispostion this morning.

Keep 'em comin' and thanks.



OneJohn410 -> RE: Why Do Some Guys Say Things Like This??? (7/20/2008 1:13:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hispen

I am very very close friends with a fellow believer who is still working out some 'issues' in his walk with Christ. He constantly tells me he loves me, I have a special place in his heart, he thinks of us and our future marriage and ministry together, etc.... This man is stable in almost every other area of his life (financial, health, family, employment, etc..) but he is not where he should be in Christ.

We are truly only friends, and yes, I have admitted that I too have feelings for him. Today he says after talking to me, sometimes he just wants to go out engagement ring shopping! I laughed it off, but of course, inside I wanted to scream, for many reasons.

Brothers, why do some guys say things like this when you know you're not ready for whatever reason to make a committment?

Please please give me your comments and don't hold back. I want to hear things from a brother's perspective.

Hi Hispen,
He's a fellow believer.
He talks the talk.
He's stable in the ways of the world.
The Holy Spirit has convicted you he's not spot on for Christ.
He teases you about shopping for an engagement proposal.
He knows he is not ready to commit?
And now he's still gone?
And the big one- why do I think some men tease women on
a subject they hold near and dear to their heart?

I think both men and women are gifted in being able to say something, having just opened the mouth, before thinking about it or meaning to say it. We also have to have ways of saying something was.... ohhhkaaayy... for some reason, when in actuality it was sho' nuff' lame an' downright ugly or a waste of time. What you have is a friend you consider a fellow believer who the Holy Spirit(?) keeps saying consider he's still needing the Lord's help in area X of his life.

Why is he a tease to the enth degree of your heartstrings? Probably because he doesn't know how to express himself, and that he wants to marry you and is only receiving friendship messages from you. You've shared you've had pain in a divorce- which has really heightened your discernment about things. Your friend just sounds at a loss to know how to talk with you as you just talked with him. I don't think either of you have been stringing the other one along- but what if this guy was thinking he was in the running for the Mr. Right, while at the same time you've got such a strong idea of who you'd like to marry that it just blew him away how much you've thought about things? There's nothing wrong with it at all, but some guys could really get spooked if they think they've got to fully meet many qualifications before seeing if you and he can be more than just friends. I don't see a 'Build Your Perfect Mate' game being played here, and in no way do I want to belittle the situation. People can say, "Well, did you take a step back and try to see the big picture?" Topics like this sometimes get me thinking, well, what might I see from standing in someone else's footprints or shoes... maybe what you are looking for could be found that way?

God bless on your diligence to not get whooshed away in feelings into another painful experience, and may He bless you with courage when you feel you are willing to try again- if that's an option.

OneJohn410



APZR -> RE: Why Do Guys Say Things Like This??? (7/20/2008 12:32:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: I felt that I was really being open with him. That was last Wednesday. I haven't heard from him since.


Heard anything lately?
When given a verbal spanking from a contemporary or equal, especially from the opposite sex and when an attraction is brewing, it can take a little time to lick the wounds and sort things out. A week or two wouldn't be uncommon. But if it's been a month with no contact, you can pretty much bet that the relationship is off.



hispen -> RE: Why Do Guys Say Things Like This??? (7/21/2008 6:52:16 AM)

Guys, tomorrow will be 3 weeks and I haven't heard a peek out of him. I sent 1 email and left 1 voicemail both very short saying hope I didn't upset or offend, that wasn't my intent, etc.. Now part of me really regrets saying anything now because I'm afraid I may have lost his friendship forever, nevermind something more.
[sm=unsure.gif]



jn1010lf -> RE: Why Do Some Guys Say Things Like This??? (7/22/2008 4:48:59 PM)

Hello hispen

Well, if this guy is serious he needs to not just shop but go do it. You say you have feelings for each other? Eventually, you're going to have to say, "Either get on with it or forget it."



revbob4God -> RE: Why Do Some Guys Say Things Like This??? (7/28/2008 4:29:05 PM)

hispen, Blessings to you my child, I have read the various comments, and I am praying for you.
It is hard to judge the quality of a man's character second hand or on this internet. But, I will say this. You were right in firmly but gently confronting this man. However, now that it appears he has fled the scene so to speak, you must remain strong and deal with the consequences. I know that cannot be easy. But think of it this way. Something inside you sensed that the relationship was not right. You had every right to know where it was going. Before you consider marrying someone, you must be certain he is strong, and fully able to carry out the moral and spiritual responsibilities in marriage and ministry.

In all honesty when Mrs. Reverend Bob and I decided to marry, I was scared to death one minute and elated in the Holy Spirit the next but men are human, a little skittishness is expected, but if this man could not answer your fair question, consider yourself blessed and trust that God will deliver you the gift of a moral and righteous man, in His time and don't fret the loss of someone who was likely not ready for that responsibility.



hispen -> RE: Why Do Some Guys Say Things Like This??? (7/29/2008 8:26:03 AM)

RevBob thanks for your insightful post. Thanks again to everyone for sharing. Nothing like hearing from men of God in a situation like this. Like God's words to me, your posts have enlighted and encouraged me and for that I say thank you.



hispen -> RE: Why Do Some Guys Say Things Like This??? (7/31/2008 9:53:46 AM)

Tried to edit yesterday, had to get off line.

A few hours after my last post I heard from him. He was sorry - among all the mushy, romantic, emotional things he said, he admitted that he is one of the types that runs when faced with the truth - he didnt say much more than that and I didn't push him. I have decided to respond in the spirit and not in the flesh (emotions, heart desires, or mental logic) from this point on. I have laid somet things before the Lord about this I am waiting in prayer and consecration to see what HIS will is on the matter, not mine, nor my friends. Once that is clear to me, I will speak, move, and proceed or not proceed accordingly.

Thanks again for all of your posts. I've cut and pasted all of your comments and advice so I will have it always. [:D]



huskarine -> RE: Why Do Guys Say Things Like This??? (7/31/2008 10:33:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hispen

To update, my friend has continued this his flirting comments (and yes, as someone above said, I let him, cause I didn't really tell him to stop or call him on it).

Well, last week, he started again, and I just went for it, and in essence, told him 1) we will never really know if we were meant to be until he comes back to God 2) i care for him and i'm here for him as a friend now, and perhaps as more once he's back on track spiritually, and 3) his soul is important to me, so I want to see him back with Christ regardless of what may or may not happen between us............

I felt that I was really being open with him. That was last Wednesday. I haven't heard from him since.
[sm=crystreams.gif]

Brothers, what did I do wrong?

4 hours later, now I'm not hearing from you guys either!!![:(]



It is always good when a wolf in sheeps clothing leaves.

If he comes back, you need to have a Define-the-Relationship (DTR...the dreaded DTR) talk...trust me, lay it out before him and stand your ground in the faith...your faith is supposed to be stronger than your love for any man.

Remember, whom you choose to marry will be walking with you in your life. You don't aim to get continually closer to him, he will naturally be there if he is the one for you to marry. You aim to grow closer to Christ. The other person in the relationship is to help you, assist you, and assure the walk is happening.

Believe me, I am a married man, and I NEED for my wife to be walking towards Christ and for her to pick me up at times. But, as the spiritual leader in the marriage, it is my duty to assure a spiritual walk within the marriage. I NEED to have a relationship with Christ. IT CAN NOT BE ANYTHING LESS.

if you are a Christian, naturally you will be equally-yoked with a man like that.
the one whom is currently pursuing you is not leading. Stand your ground, the Rock of Christ Jesus.

Grace and Peace



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