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pthalomarie -> The Rules at "Ex-Gay" Ministries (7/27/2005 3:56:01 PM)
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Well, this is going to interesting.
I wish I could set this up more clearly, but here goes....
There is currently a bit of a buzz on the web about a 16 year old boy named Zach. Zach runs (or ran...his current status as to his health, and his ability to access the internet is unknown) a rather ordinary blog that originally consisted of the average, every-day thoughts of a teenager. Last winter though, he disclosed that he had told his parents that he was gay. At first, the posts that followed were touching, but not unusual - lots of hurt feelings, fighting with his parents, etc.
But this past summer, Zach's blog became a big deal. In May, he was told by his parents that they were sending him to Refuge, a ministry along the lines of Exodus that tries to help people renounce their homosexuality.
To quote Zach himself:
"Well today, my mother, father, and I had a very long "talk" in my room where they let me know I am to apply for a fundamentalist christian program for gays. They tell me that there is something psychologically wrong with me, and they "raised me wrong." I'm a big screw up to them, who isn't on the path God wants me to be on. So I'm sitting here in tears, joing the rest of those kids who complain about their parents on blogs - and I can't help it."
I can't link to Zach's blog itself, since what followed next caused a huge outpouring of visits and responses, many of which included four-letter expletives and less than polite comments about Christians and God.
What happened next was that Zach got a hold of Refuge's rules and regulations, a document that he wasn't supposed to see. Though Refuge tells their customers all the rules and regulations, when the clients are children, apparently they don't like giving out paper copies. The parents are e-mailed the list of regulations, so they can continue the therapy after the teen's time spent in Refuge is over. Zach got a hold of the list of rules.
So the following is a few excerpts of Refuge's rules and regulations. This isn't the whole document by any means, and I'm not going to claim that all of it is shocking or surprising. Most of it reads fairly normally, given what they're setting out to do. But there are a few parts that I think many will find a bit disturbing:
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Refuge Program Rules
Exceptions to program rules will be granted by C.O.C. (Chain of Command) only.
2. No sexual/emotional misconduct. Any temptations, fantasies, or dreams are to be presented to oneıs staff worker only. Sexual misconduct includes viewing pornography, visiting an adult bookstore, emotional dependency, voyeurism, stalking, masturbation [it goes on to list all the various forms of sexual contact, so I'll leave the rest of this part out]
Sexual temptation, as well as the above, is not to be discussed between clients. This includes MI's (Moral Inventories) written on current sexual struggles or temptations).
3. No hugging or physical touch between clients. Brief handshakes or a brief affirmative hand on a shoulder is allowed (exception is when observed by therapeutic accountability).
4. Clients are to remain within the ³safe zone² while in the program. This "zone" is illustrated on a map of the Memphis area in the office. An exception is for clients who reside or are staying outside the safe zone, and commuting to the Love in Action campus.
Hygeine
1. All clients must maintain appropriate hygiene, including daily showering, use of deodorant, and brushing teeth twice daily.
Men: Men must remove all facial hair seven days weekly, and sideburns must not fall below the top of the ear (the top
of the ear is defined as where the ear meets the face below the temple). Clean business-like haircuts must be worn at all
times. Hair must be long enough to be pinched between two fingers.
Women: Women must shave legs and underarms at least twice weekly.
All: Only natural hair color is allowed. Hair that is colored, highlighted or streaked, mut be dyed back to its original color, or the color must be cut out before entrance into the Refuge program.
2. Attire: General
Modesty is expected. No tight, provocative, or suggestive clothing or spandex may be worn. No provocative or
suggestive mannerisms are permitted. Fresh undergarments are to be worn at all times. Boxer shorts of any kind are
considered underwear and are not to be worn as outer clothing. All clients must be dressed appropriately in clean,
unwrinkled clothes when leaving the house for the day. Men may not wear any jewelry (other than a watch and a wedding band) unless approved through a C.O.C. In addition to a watch and wedding band, women may also wear a pair of simple earrings (one earring per ear.) The clients may not wear Abercrombie and Fitch or Calvin Klein brand clothing, undergarments, or accessories.
Men: Shirts are to be worn at all times, even while sleeping. T-shirts without sleeves are not permitted at any time,
whether worn as an outer garment or an undergarment. This includes ³muscle shirts² or other tank-tops. Bikini-style underwear is prohibited.
Women: Bras must be worn at all times, except while sleeping. Thong-style underwear is prohibited.
Attire: LIA Campus
In addition to the General Attire above, the following items apply. No torn, ragged, or stained clothing is to be worn at
any time while on campus. Monday through Thursday, clients must wear pants, a clean shirt, and shoes or sandals with
socks. Jeans and a nice t-shirt are acceptable. On Friday, clients may wear clean, knee-length khaki or denim-style shorts.
No athletic or excessively baggy shorts may be worn on campus at any time. No hats, jackets, or overcoats are to be
worn on campus
Women: In addition to these guidelines, women may also wear skirts which fall at or below the knee. Women may wear
tank-tops only if they are worn with an over-blouse. Women may wear open-toed shoes or womenıs dress sandals
without socks. Bras must be worn at all times, except while sleeping. Sports bras may only be worn while working out.
No sleeveless blouses may be worn. All blouses and t-shirts must fit modestly (not extremely tight).
3. No cologne, perfume, or use of other highly scented hygiene products.
7. No continuing education while in the program. Home-school Refuge clients may be allowed to continue their studies during the program, pending approval by LIA staff.
10. Absolutely no journaling or keeping a diary outside of the MI process unless directed or approved by staff.
False Image (FI) Concerns
1. LIA wants to encourage each client, male and female, by affirming his/her gender identity. LIA also wants each client to pursue integrity in all of his/her actions and appearances. Therefore, any belongings, appearances, clothing, actions, or humor that might connect a client to an inappropriate past are excluded from the program. These hindrances are called False Images (FIıs). FI behavior may include hyper-masculinity, seductive clothing, mannish/boyish attire (on women), excessive jewelry (on men), mascoting, and "campy" or gay/lesbian behavior and talk.
2. As non-residential clients, Refuge participants must submit to an F.I. search every morning. With the exception of the very first program day, when they may arrive no later than 9:00 a.m., Refuge clients will arrive daily at the Love in Action campus no later than 8:50 a.m., waiting in a designated area until a staff member meets them to perform the F.I. search and check them in. Refuge clients may not enter any of the client spaces on campus before submitting to an F.I. search.
3. All photographs will be taken for the purpose of sobering re-evaluation. Clients may request to have pictures returned to them via C.O.C.
Relationship Issues
Emotional dependency and inappropriate sexual behaviors have their roots in unresolved relationship issues as well as poor personal or relational boundaries. As a key part to his/her recovery, each clientıs program will focus significant attention on resolving relationship concerns and cultivating healthy relationships, both within and outside of the program.
6. Clients may have no contact with anyone who has left the program prior to graduating without the blessing of the staff to do so. Clients may address off-limit persons they inadvertently encounter with a polite "hello" only.
Safekeeping Rules
1. All new Refuge clients will be placed into Safekeeping for the initial two to three days of their program. A client on safekeeping may not communicate verbally, or by using hand gestures or eye contact, with any other clients, staff members, or his/her parents or guardians. In case of a practical need, Safekeeping clients may write down their question or request and show it to another client, staff member, or their parent or guardian. Writing may only be used when absolutely necessary. Parents and guardians must enforce their childıs safekeeping status at home or in their temporary lodging.
3. Any client may be placed into Safekeeping at any time, at a staffworkerıs discretion.
Rules for the Home/Temporary Lodging
1. No discussing therapeutic issues at home. Keep conversations positive.
2. Clients must gain permission through C.O.C. to make or receive phone calls from friends and family members outside the program.
3. No cell phones, beepers, computers, or e-mail/internet access at. Exceptions by C.O.C. approval only.
6. No television viewing, going to movies, or reading/watching/listening to secular media of any kind, anywhere within the clientıs and the parentıs/guardianıs control. This includes listening to classical or instrumental music that is not expressly Christian (Beethoven, Bach, etc. are not considered Christian). The only exception to the media policy is the weekly movie.
12. Refuge clients must be accompanied by a parent during any trip to a public restroom.
13. No access to malls of any kind.
14. Clients are not allowed to visit any video, music or media stores that are not expressly Christian, even if accompanied by a parent or guardian. Clients may visit LifeWay Christian stores with a parent or guardian.
On-Level Rules
1. On-level clients may not speak to each other unless there is a potentially life-threatening emergency.
2. On-level clients are to spend no time alone with each other.
3. On-level clients are not allowed to ride in the same car unless C.O.C. permission has been granted, in which case, one must sit in the front of the car, and one must sit in the back of the car.
4. On-level clients, whenever in the same room, must always have exactly one person between them, whether sitting or standing. Planned activities such as church, Open Meetings, and socials are no exception.
Group Norms
9. Say "I love you _____" after each person is finished relating.
Refuge Program Parental Rules (not to be given to client)
1. No discussing therapeutic issues at home. Keep conversations positive.
3. Respect all Love In Action and Refuge rules. If you do not understand them, support the program in front of client at all times and gain clarification from LIA staff. Do not sabotage or defocus your client.
4. Donıt allow client to split your family. Unite to present stability and unity.
5. Your client is not allowed to talk to anyone outside of your home including friends or family. Do not tell client who has called for them or who is asking about them. Keep the thoughts of the client focused on his/her treatment.
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There was a brief entry after Zachs initial entry into Refuge. Apparently, he had run away, and managed to access a public computer. In it he said:
"I pray this blows over. I can't take this... noone can... not really, this kind of thing tears you apart emotionally. To introduce THIS subject... I'm not a suicidal person... really I'm not.. I think it's stupid - really. But.. I can't help it, no im not going to commit suicide, all I can think about is killing my mother and myself. It's so horrible. This is what it's doing to me."
Since the program ended in mid-June, it's unknown how it went for Zach, or what happened to him.
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