RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (Full Version)

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peculiar_lady2 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/24/2008 1:41:57 AM)

Ryanne...that might be good, like you said, for an older child. For a 3yo we just deal with the issue at hand when it comes up however many times it comes up. If we see that there is an underlying issue (such as needing to sleep or being sick) then we deal with that instead, but not in conjunction with the whining. Whining itself, for whatever reason, warrants us not "talking" with you. We try not to associate it with naps or needing meds, etc (like sleepy or sick times) so we don't put them together. I will still send the child away, and when they come back will ask if they are tired or not feeling well. I would say a three strikes rule might work on our older two...who are 7yo and 8yo...but definitely not on our 3yo.



Hislittleone -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/24/2008 3:36:25 AM)

quote:

In that situation I would have told him off...but that's the kind of mood I am in today...so that's probably no help to you. She had a valid reason to be upset...and her holding it like that can cause medical issues (UTI).


I agree with Sarah on this one. There are times to keep the peace and times to stand up for what's right (this being one of those times). Be careful about making her wait too long to use the restroom because it can cause medical problems. I know a lady who's mother NEVER allowed her to use public restrooms (even at school) so this she would have to hold it all day long. Needless to say she ended up having medical issues that still affect her to this day--she's prob in her 50's now. (Not that that is what's happening to Grace but do keep it in mind.)

Looks like you're getting some good ideas on how to take care of the whining. I'll have to keep them in mind for our youngest (he's quickly approaching that age). But it's absolutely insane to think that you can make a 3 year old stay perfectly quiet and well behaved all the time. I do hope you and your hubby can come to an understanding soon.



nicole6598 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/24/2008 3:13:51 PM)

thanks hisliitleone :)

thanks ryanne for sharing, and just because Gaby isn't 3 yet doesnt mean you might not have good ideas [:)] But I will keep it in mind for when she gets older to add that on, at the moment i will just work on what she has done at the time and give her immediate consequences for things as I know that works best on young children. I am strict with Grace and I do show her love, its hubby that I am worried about and I want her to know Daddy loves her, its one of the most important things, how a child sees her father.

its so hard because i am feeling like a failure as a mum but also as a teacher too, parents who used to look up to me for things with their kids are probably thinking how useless I am. teaching 5-7 yr olds is alot different I guess...[&o]



Jenny-Fair -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/24/2008 5:02:01 PM)

Nicole by age five most have them have been trained to stop behaving like...a three year old[;)][8D] But also, you can set limits in a classroom that are easier to enforce, and, most of all, you get to send them home round about three in the afternoon everyday and have your weekends off!

I'm a single mom, so in some ways I have it easier than you do-no one fights me on how I discipline my kids. However, I truly understand that you must be exhausted, because you have no back-up system. You are getting pushed and pulled from both directions, kids and hubby, you don't feel you can hand the kids over to him so that you can take a break, and having him there wears you out more in some ways. (((Nicole)))

I can't help you, but I wanted you to know that I understood[&o]



manda59 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/24/2008 5:02:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nicole6598
I am strict with Grace and I do show her love, its hubby that I am worried about and I want her to know Daddy loves her, its one of the most important things, how a child sees her father.



My own father was undemonstrative and grumpy a lot of the time. He would leave for work before I got up for school, and come home in the evening near my bedtime, and would always snap at us at the dinner table (didn't want any talking, no noise at all). He never initiated a hug his whole life, never told me he loved me, and yet I knew he did, because right from when I was small my mum explained to me that daddy loved me, he just didn't know how to show it. She told me that the only way he knew how to show it was to go out and work hard to earn money for us, and in doing things for us, and sometimes in buying gifts. If ever he brought me home a chocolate bar, mum would tell me when we were on our own "that was daddy's way of saying he loves you". She did it so often that it sunk in and I believed her.



manda59 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/24/2008 5:04:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nicole6598
its so hard because i am feeling like a failure as a mum but also as a teacher too, parents who used to look up to me for things with their kids are probably thinking how useless I am. teaching 5-7 yr olds is alot different I guess...[&o]



Nicole, apart from the fact that they're probably not thinking anything of the sort, why should what they think matter anyway? It's what you believe about yourself that counts (and of course what God believes about you), not what other people may or may not think.



pbaribeault -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/24/2008 6:44:43 PM)

Hi Nicole,

As you know I have a 3 year old too - but they are very different and also our husbands are very different. As for the restroom situation, I think you were unwise to request his help in the first place. You have quite a lot of evidence that he gruffly resents being put-out by his children's behaviour and needs. So, for the sake of positive relationships all-round, maybe you should revise what you think of in terms of a reasonable request for his help.

If Grace needed to use the washroom, that's just not optional, so I have just asked myself, "What would I do if I were here alone?" and done that. That would probably mean picking up both kids, sleeping or not, and trudging to the nearest likey-location of a restroom. As I walked past him, I'd have asked myself, "What would I do/say if this was a girl-friend from Church?" Me, I'd probably end up smiling and saying, 'We're off to the potty here... I guess we should have gone before we left!'

As your husband's level of resentment increases, he reacts in a very poor fashion, hurting both you and Grace. Since you can't be focused on changing how he reacts, you might as well focus on giving him less opportunities to react... Which means being as self-sufficient as possible and not getting in over your head (not doing too much, not setting your goals too high, planning ahead for everyone's needs, simplifying life, not going out if you can't handle it etc.)

I know this kind of reads like, "Buck up and be a better mom & wife." That's not really what I'm trying to say. What I'm getting at is the idea that if you can't rely on your husband, it's silly to keep trying to. If your had a microwave burnt every bit of food you put in it, you'd soon just stop using it. Sure, cooking on the stove-top is more work, but the microwave isn't working at all!

These interactions with your husband are 'burning' all of you and need to either get better or stop. If you've done all you can to make sure your requests are reasonable, well worded etc. and you're still getting burnt... Just stop getting yourself into that situation. Pretend he's joined the military and you've just got to manage things as best you can without help or complaint.

It will probably only take a month or so of this kind of backing-off before he becomes more willing to be involved in a reasonable way, since you've taken away all his opportunities to resent you & them.



manda59 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/24/2008 6:52:37 PM)

Wise words indeed from pbaribeault! (for a change [;)] )



nicole6598 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/24/2008 7:21:03 PM)

Jenny that is exactly how I feel.
Manda thanks for sharing that story about your dad, I do tell Grace that we both love her but I will try make more of a conscious effort to do it when he does something for her or with her. I do praise him infront of her and we pray for him and things. I just don't want her to get older and think "daddy never played with me, he was always grumpy" because it CAN happen. And I know I shouldn't care what others think, its easier said than done though. I am trying to get over that but its hard and I feel like I am such a failure at everything at the moment and such a bad person that needs to change so much its wearing me out.[&o][:o]

Pam I get what you are saying but I am worn out! I need some help and there is noone else here who can help me. I also try and give him small opportunities to help so that I can then praise him and so he feels like he is part of the family. With hindsight what you said may have been helpful in that situation but when you are in the moment, hungry and tired with a 3 yr old who is hungry, tired and needing the toilet, all you are thinking is 'i need to get her to the toilet". (there are no other shops in the area so I would have had to drive a few kms til I got to one). And I did back for over a month while doing the 30 day challenge and it didn't make a difference in the end, he changed a few things but then reverted back to his old behaviour the next day or even sometimes an hour later. Thank you for taking the time to offer advice.



peculiar_lady2 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/24/2008 7:24:04 PM)

yes, very good post Pam!!!



pbaribeault -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/24/2008 7:53:58 PM)

I know you need help, but asking him to help is not actually getting you help. It's making things worse.

If you need to do something for Grace or Nath, it's probably best to focus on doing that thing, not on how it would be much better/faster/easier to do it with some team-work. Teamwork doesn't seem to be an option, and it only leads to arguments and pain... Why keep beating your head against his unwillingness?

It's not any less work to ask, have a fight, and not get any help anyways... Much less work to skip the asking (and the fighting).



nicole6598 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/24/2008 9:02:01 PM)

I get what you are saying Pam. I am just so darn angry and feel ripped off I guess that he wont help with the kids that he too wanted to have. Does that make sense? Surely its not unreasonable to want him to help out in things. I know he is not ready to do that yet, like Sarah has said before he does need to be taken down a peg or two in some areas. Its just hard. I didn't expect that i would have to do basically everything myself. I thought we were a team and that I could count on him.
So I know what you are saying and it does make sense but it hurts.



manda59 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/24/2008 9:05:22 PM)

Nicole

You can choose to dwell on that, or you can move on and get on with things yourself. It's your choice - it really is as simple as that. If you want to keep dwelling on it, that's your call, but I don't think it will make you any happier.



nicole6598 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/24/2008 9:06:45 PM)

I know that Manda I think I am like "grieving" or something. Grieving for what I thought and hoped it would all be like. I don't think getting much sleep and having a fussy baby at the moment is doing me any good.



MamaMilty -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/24/2008 9:46:15 PM)

Hi Nicole [:D]

First, I'm going to give your a hug (((((((Nicole))))))

And now I am going to shake you, and say, "Stop playing the victim."

All mothers are tired, overworked, undervalued, sleep-deprived, and slightly crazed. [;)] Only YOU can control how you make that work for you. I have tried it both ways, letting my lack of sleep or help and fussy babies determine how my day is going to be OR choosing to relish it and find my joy. The latter is much better, but harder to do at first.

You feel jipped by dh? I get why you do, but you must get past it. Please re read pbar's post with an "I can do this" attitude instead of gathering up all the reasons her advice is hard to follow.

I'm sorry if this seems blunt...sometimes tired mama's just need it put plainly to get through the fog, LOL.



manda59 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/25/2008 5:52:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nicole6598
I know that Manda I think I am like "grieving" or something. Grieving for what I thought and hoped it would all be like. I don't think getting much sleep and having a fussy baby at the moment is doing me any good.



You mean you had expectations and you're disappointed. It's understandable in a way (though you knew already what your husband was like, so it's not actually a big surprise, surely?) but now you have to lower your expectations and just get on with it. You have already had suggestions about getting more rest - so stuff the housework and cat nap while you can, or at least lay on the couch.
Make sure you're eating properly, get out and get some fresh air with the kiddies every day, and get on with things.

Just as your husband has issues from his childhood which may be coming out now in how he behaves, so you have too. Your mother wasn't there for you, and actively abused you, so she wasn't there to look after you, to take care of you, so it could well be that you are unconsciously looking to your husband to make up for what she didn't do (which isn't actually fair). The reason you feel so lost sometimes is that it probably triggers memories of how you used to feel when you were small. It's not unreasonable to want your husband to help you more, but when you allow it to become such an issue for you, it's not good for you. Just because he doesn't help you as much as you'd like doesn't mean he doesn't love you or value you. He's just a typical Aussie bloke with a few extra issues of his own.

You *can* do this, Nicole. You just need to take responsibility for your family and stop obsessing over what your husband doesn't do and should do etc etc. It's not good for you and it's a lot of wasted emotional energy (and it sounds like you need every drop of that energy for yourself at the moment).



nicole6598 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/25/2008 6:31:10 AM)

Manda I know you are right but why am I having such a hard time with this? Ugh, its driving me nuts. I want to let go because I know its not right for me or him but i just can't seem to at the moment. Its hard when you know things in your head but your body and spirit won't co operate. I hate that feeling.
(thanks mama too for your thoughts)



manda59 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/25/2008 6:41:48 AM)

Nicole,

It's probably exacerbated by your feeling tired and perhaps a bit run down. Are you eating healthily? taking a vitamin and mineral supplement perhaps? Getting any exercise in the fresh air?

When you have 30 seconds to yourself [;)] you can start by saying to God "I am so tired of striving Lord, please help me just to let this go"

Another prayer to pray could be "Lord, please help me to trust you to supply all my needs".

When you find you have more time, the prayers can be longer and you can really throw yourself into the Lord's arms.

Maybe also when Grace is up and about, put some worship music on for you both to dance to.



nicole6598 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/25/2008 3:21:36 PM)

I am eating kind of healthy. I am craving sweet things but I am trying my best to only eat a little. I could eat more fruit I guess. I eat 1-2 pieces a day and have vegies with tea. Thanks Manda :)

Here is something that happened last night and I am not sure if I have been doing the best thing or not. Grace likes to say "No!" she says it sometimes when it isn't needed too. So last night hubby came home and walked in and said "Grace can I sit there?" (normally I tell her to get off "his chair" but I was feeding Nath and a little busy with him so I forgot). She shouted "no!" it was almost bedtime so she was tired and he had just told her off for something in the kitchen too. So he glared at me. I told her to get down and to not speak to Daddy like that. She said sorry and got off and came to me. But then I thought "well she was sitting there why does she have to move if she is nice and quiet"?
Other times she may be colouring in ( i can't see coz she is on the floor) and I will have given her a warning most times its nearly packing up time (unless I forget) and I say "ok time to pack up now" she says "NO!!" (whining, crying may begin). Then she says " I not finish this bit". So then I will say "ok, you can finish his hat then pack up time" and she listens. But hubby gets angry saying she shouldn't be able to negotiate at all, she needs to listen when I tell her something. So what do you do in those cases?



Jenny-Fair -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/25/2008 3:24:46 PM)

I'd teach her to ask nicely about finishing her drawing instead of just shouting "no" at me. And if a child asked nicely to finish their drawing, then I would usually let them (unless I had a good reason not to other than that I had asked her to go to bed).



nicole6598 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/25/2008 3:45:28 PM)

Yep I do do that Jenny. She needs to ask without whining and then when she does she can continue, if she says no then I pack it up right away.



Jenny-Fair -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/25/2008 3:49:01 PM)

Cool.

Your DH needs to see that one can be the authoritary without being authoritarian. Your daughter can respect you and you can still respect her. In fact, she probably will never respect her parents if they don't listen to her and treat her as a human being. I'm sorry that he isn't seeing this, and that you are having to work double-time to take up the slack.



nicole6598 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/25/2008 3:58:46 PM)

Yeah I did try explaining that we need to treat her as a human too and that she can negotiate if it is done so appropriately but if the answer is still no, then its no. He doesnt agree, kids should jump when they are told according to him [8|] Thanks for your understanding and advice Jenny :)



MamaMilty -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/25/2008 4:56:39 PM)

Nicole,

Your motherly instincts are very good. You parent your Grace with, well, grace [:)]

I know it is hard, but please try not to let your hubby steal your confidence in what you are doing. You are doing a good job, Mum!

BTW, this morning, I had to give myself pretty much the same "shake" as I gave you. [;)]



nicole6598 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/25/2008 5:01:42 PM)

Thanks Jen.
Yeah I seem to be doubting everything I am doing with her and Nath and lots of other things.



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