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pbaribeault -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/25/2008 5:21:19 PM)
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With the chair issue, I think you did the right thing. Your husband's desire to be comfortable in 'his' chair when he gets home is reasonable, and his request was kindly made. You were right to require her to get down and also to reprimand her disrespectful speaking and require an apology. Did you have her apologize to him, or just in general for her behaviour?
I also think your clearing up the crayons concept is a good one... But if I forget to give the warning that I usually do, then that's my fault. (Assuming that she mostly gets "NO"ish when not warned) I'd still give a warning, and just deal with it if the warning time put me in a hurry or whatever. If I was in a serious hurry I'd give a really short warning (30 seconds) with an apology and cheerful help from me to get the cleaning done at a good speed. This might prevent her need to say "NO" - out of surprise at the injustice of not being warned as she has come to expect.
But, even with less opportunity to get "NO"ish, it's still going to happen, so you need a strategy aimed at stamping out that disrespectful choice of words and tone. My advice would be to think back over "NO" situations and consider what she was thinking, why she was reacting, and what kind of a choice of words & tone would have allowed her to express herself without offending you & dh.
Try and narrow those ideas down to a few phrases that you are going to teach her to use. There are lots of options, depending on her language ability and the kinds of things that she is objecting to. (My girl says "One minute, please." but we are still working on always adding the please and a not-demanding tone for the phrase. She also says, "That not work for me." but she must have picked it up, because I didn't teach her that!)
When you have time sit with her and explain that shouting "NO" is rude, unkind and disrespectful. You don't like being shouted at, and it's important for her to obey you. Tell her that you are going to work together to cure her of the "No"s. Then you would teach her your chosen phrases, have her repeat them, sing them, say them while pretending to be an animal etc.
Next time she gets "NO"ish, calmly (with a smile) say, "I think you meant to say...(insert phrase). Yes?" If she says yes, encourage her to say the phrase and then respond as you would have had she said it in the first place. If she says "NO" again, tell her that "NO" is rude/unkind/disrespectful and that you won't allow it, and tell her again (firmly) your good phrase for the situation. If it goes downhill, respond with your normal reprimanding technique or consequences that gets her to 'sorry'. Then take her back to the spot where it all happened and get her to say the good phrase as if you had just started things.
Of course, this is hard work! So try to refrain from telling her something that she's likely to get "NO"ish about unless you are ready to follow through on all the steps. If you have your hands tied with Nath, instead of telling her to do things, just make statements like, "As soon as I'm done, we'll be going out. I hope your crayons are cleared up by then." or "I won't be happy if you make a mess with those things." or "You know that thing isn't yours." If she says, "No" to plain statements, she likely won't shout, and it won't be a disobedience, since you didn't tell her to do anything.
If she does shout "NO" when you can't respond properly, tell her, "Well, that was disrespectful." And then ignore it until you have some time. Later, you can say, "Remember when I said... and you shouted 'NO' and I said you were being disrespectful? Do you know what you could have said instead?" Supply the phrase, go back to the spot and go through it again so she can get the picture. Again, if things go downhill do your usual reprimand or consequences or whatever, then come back to re-play it.
Oh, and if she melts down during the re-plays, or if you get the sense that there is something other than defiance in her way of avoiding saying the good phrase, consider 2 things - She may melt down because she is disappointed in herself or ashamed (mine does this when reprimanded for hurting someone - she is too ashamed to say sorry and wants to go on as if it hadn't happened). Or she might feel too hemmed-in by the exact phrase, so you could offer her to say it her own way, and then let that be a choice of phrases.
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