3 yr old and their behaviour (Full Version)

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nicole6598 -> 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/17/2008 8:38:41 PM)

So you would think being a teacher trained in these early years I would know, but hubby is making me doubt whether our daughters behaviour is kind of normal or not.

She will cry when she is told off.
She will cry and raise her voice if she wants something but can't have it (tantrum, most of these are easily contained but sometimes if she is tired or REALLY wants something then it can get over the top).
She says "no" or "I'll do it" etc

Now I think that these are sort of "normal" behaviours for her age and a few yrs younger and older, my job as a parent is to train her and help her find ways of expressing her anger and frustration etc other than screaming or crying. Hubby thinks that she just shouldn't do it full stop. She shouldn't answer back, she shouldn't say "no" she shouldn't cry when told off etc. I agree that we don't WANT her to do it, but kids do cry and whine and we need to be teaching them how to stop it and communicate in other ways.

So is her behaviour normal? Remembering when I worked with kids these ages I would say she is pretty darn well behaved compared to the majority and she is tender, caring, giving, compassionate etc but I guess hubby only sees her for an hour a day when its close to her bed time so he sees the worst of her. But she does play up more when he is around, on the weekends he does speak harshly to her and that just gets her back up.
anyway, is this normal and if it is how can I let hubby know and how can we get past it when we are disagreeing on the discipline etc?



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/17/2008 9:26:06 PM)

I think her behavior is fairly normal. What you and your dh are debating are whether it's *acceptable* to ever happen, I think?

My dh is also very oldschool and stern, and he is really bothered by whining and temper tantrums. We are learning to find the balance. He's needed to relax a little (and understand that a 3 yo having a temper tantrum is *not* an indicator of the child's lifelong character and ability to succeed) and I have needed to pull myself together and be very consistent in not allowing such behaviors, and disciplining when they occur.

IOW, I don't have a real answer. [8D] It takes time. You can't instantly stop her behavior, and you can't instantly change his mind, but over time, hopefully both will change.



Jenny-Fair -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/17/2008 9:33:03 PM)

Sounds normal to me. The "I'll do it" is definitely spot-on for her age, and it's a positive step towards independance. You WANT her to do things for herself. Unfortunately, it frequently takes longer and is frustrating, but eventually she'll get the hang of whatever it is and you'll be grateful you don't have to do it for her anymore. You may teach her to say, "May I do it for myself?" but that's a preference thing.

As for the others, they are normal behaviors for her age that I'd be willing to bet you are already working on. The thing is, kids rarely change overnight. And, by the time you have her trained out of those behaviors, there will be other challenges. Not to be discouraging in the least! LOL That's just what raising kids is all about. Thankfully we usually get almost 20 years to complete the job.



Kat_D -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/17/2008 9:53:30 PM)

quote:

She will cry when she is told off.
She will cry and raise her voice if she wants something but can't have it (tantrum, most of these are easily contained but sometimes if she is tired or REALLY wants something then it can get over the top).
She says "no" or "I'll do it" etc


Our girls were sensitive and sometimes cried when reprimanded or scolded. It seemed to me to be an appropriate response because they felt embarrassed or ashamed, but we wouldn't have allowed it to go on for very long.

Our rules were that crying for something would not serve any purpose other than to guarantee that they wouldn't get it, so they rarely cried for something they wanted. They never even tried the yelling or tantrum stuff. I think they instinctively knew that would have resulted in some type of significant punishment and I think they were slightly afraid of how we would respond.

Saying "no" or being rude would never have been tolerated in our house so it was another thing we never had to deal with. The only thing I remember was a bit of pouting and when it happened, they were sent directly to their room.

I really don't know why our girls were so well behaved. We just had rules and consistently enforced them, that's all. I think I can count on one hand the number of spankings they ever got...maybe they were just exceptionally good kids, I don't know.



pbaribeault -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/17/2008 9:53:40 PM)

Yup, normal, but definitely something to be working on getting beyond. Firmly.



peculiar_lady2 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/17/2008 11:17:51 PM)

lol...sounds like our three year old..lol. Very normal...esp for a girl with your daughter's personality. She seems to be very much like our Emma in personality...from everything you have said about her.

in our house.....
We don't allow whining...that gets your nose on the wall until you can compose yourself. I will gladly TALK to you but will not YELL with you or WHINE with you. Crying is ok, if it's a valid reason and isn't whining. It's ok to have emotions, but not ok to use them inappropriately. I don't help with things...it just causes a rift in things getting done...so I let her learn on her own. If/when she is ready for my help she knows I am there in an instant. I will offer words of encouragement if she is in the right frame of mind...but I won't argue with her...I just say it once, and if she wants to ignore it then that's on her. For instance...I will tell her which shoe goes on which foot, but if she chooses to not wear them properly or argue with me over it, I stop, back off, and let her find out that it hurts her feet. When she starts crying about her feet hurting I tell her that's because her shoes are on the wrong way and she needs to change them around. She has now started to actually listen to me about which one goes on which foot...most of the time...but that has taken a few months of me doing the same thing (as I listed) all the time. She also can't handle change in anything....anything that is not the norm. She is very particular in how you have to talk to her...and any raised voices or overly emotional responses makes her shut down or cry. I am trying to teach this one to hubby....he tends to get a bit intense sometimes...and she can't handle it too well. We now mostly go by the adage that if she needs a talking to about something I will do it...he just upsets her more and makes the situation worse.



biblecat -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/17/2008 11:41:26 PM)

Whoa nelly! I logged on tonight to ask the SAME questions!!!!! Thanks nicole6598 for posting and all the others who have answered!!! Your insight is great and much the situation in our house.


MJ



nicole6598 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/18/2008 7:48:51 PM)

thanks for your responses.
Thanks for the little tips Sarah.

Its hard because you don't want to ruin the sensitive side to them either. I have tried telling hubby i will deal with it but then he sort of threatens me to do it well and make her stop crying, whining etc at all times. he doesn't get that this is a phase and a learning opportunity for her. He just thinks that his mum was the only and the best mother and noone can do any better than how she did. Which hurts.[&o]



stellaluna -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/18/2008 8:21:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
(and understand that a 3 yo having a temper tantrum is *not* an indicator of the child's lifelong character and ability to succeed)

[sm=thumbsup.gif]

It's really hard being three. [:)]



manda59 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/18/2008 8:34:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nicole6598
He just thinks that his mum was the only and the best mother and noone can do any better than how she did.




So how does he say his mother would have dealt with whining?



nicole6598 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/18/2008 10:33:05 PM)

Not sure Manda, she never smacked them I don't think. he doesn't really know either, as if we remember to when we were 3 and how our mothers taught us. I think he is going by the foster and emergency care she has done over the years. She is very stern most of the time, rarely cracks a smile with the kids and they basically only speak when she wants them too, very old-fashioned. Christmas was the first time I actually saw her interacting and playing with Grace.



Jenny-Fair -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/18/2008 10:39:25 PM)

quote:

She is very stern most of the time, rarely cracks a smile with the kids and they basically only speak when she wants them too, very old-fashioned.

Doesn't sound very enjoyable to me for either the kids or the parents!



manda59 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/19/2008 4:08:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nicole6598
Not sure Manda, she never smacked them I don't think. he doesn't really know either, as if we remember to when we were 3 and how our mothers taught us. I think he is going by the foster and emergency care she has done over the years. She is very stern most of the time, rarely cracks a smile with the kids and they basically only speak when she wants them too, very old-fashioned. Christmas was the first time I actually saw her interacting and playing with Grace.




So has he directly compared your parenting style to hers? (I wasn't sure why you brought her up in this thread)

What may be coming out here is his own pain from his own childhood.

I suggest you keep calm, stop taking it personally, and keep graciously explaining (at times other than when Grace is whining) why you are parenting her like you do.



nicole6598 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/19/2008 5:05:27 AM)

Yeah he says "mum would never let us get away with that" things like that.
I do keep calm and things when I explain to him, he just gives me dirty look and walks away or says "yeah well you better sort her out".[8|]



manda59 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/19/2008 5:20:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nicole6598
Yeah he says "mum would never let us get away with that" things like that.
I do keep calm and things when I explain to him, he just gives me dirty look and walks away or says "yeah well you better sort her out".[8|]



You could always ask him what she did to not let them "get away with that".

Or just simply say "I am trying to get the balance right between disciplining her and not crushing her spirit".

And remember, he may be speaking out of his own pain and just not realising. It may not be about Grace or you at all.



pbaribeault -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/19/2008 3:15:08 PM)

A good comment might be,

"Wow, you remember when you were 3? I don't. I really am trying my best, but if you've got something to contribute, I'm listening."

Or, "It seems like you don't trust my judgment in parenting. I'm willing to try things your way, since there are so many methods that might work. If you can clearly explain what you would like me to do, or find me a book you agree with, or maybe we can do some experiments together on weekends?"

Or even, "If you want me to sort her out, you're going to have to wait while my methods take effect. I'm mostly satisfied with her progress in this area and I don't intend to change what I'm doing. If you want things to happen faster, I won't stop you from trying for yourself."



Kat_D -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/19/2008 3:56:32 PM)

I would not suggest you make any "comments" in the heat of the moment, but at a time when you will both attempt to "hear" each other. Arrange a time when you can both sit down and share your individual perspectives on dealing with your daughter and hopefully come to a meeting of the minds and a plan that is agreeable to you both. Be sure to pray together before you have this talk and after you have this talk.

P.S. I wanted to say that just because Nicole's husband was brought up in a strict environment does not necessarily mean he is reacting out of pain and hurt from the way he was raised. It is possible to raise children that way and still show them a great deal of love.



manda59 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/19/2008 4:13:29 PM)

Kat,

Nicole has previously said that her dh always felt like the black sheep of the family, that anything and everything he did was never good enough, that other siblings were favoured over him etc.

That's why I said what I did.



nicole6598 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/19/2008 4:18:10 PM)

Thanks for your ideas, I might try and talk to him on the weekend (he is too tired after work) and see what he says. I really don't think she is that bad at all, she does listen to me and she is repentent when she has done something wrong "mummy i sorry i made you angry, please forgive me" is what she comes to me and says, then we talk about what she did and i usually give her a pointer of what she could do next time.
Manda you hit it there, I don't want to crush her spirit at all and I am fearful if he keeps coming down heavy with her he will, I watch her little depleted face when she says something like "can I go with you dad?" "No, stay with your mum!!". Then she cries because she wanted him and he spoke harshly, then he gets angry at her.[&o]



peculiar_lady2 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/19/2008 5:21:22 PM)

quote:

Yeah he says "mum would never let us get away with that" things like that.

but she let them get away with much worse according to your other posts on her and her attitude about kids.

quote:

Or, "It seems like you don't trust my judgment in parenting. I'm willing to try things your way, since there are so many methods that might work. If you can clearly explain what you would like me to do, or find me a book you agree with, or maybe we can do some experiments together on weekends?"

I would not say that...esp in this situation...because his family push Ezzo and this is an area of contension already between Nicole and her hubby...he stands behind what his parents push, even against all the medical advice not to follow those teachings.

quote:

P.S. I wanted to say that just because Nicole's husband was brought up in a strict environment does not necessarily mean he is reacting out of pain and hurt from the way he was raised. It is possible to raise children that way and still show them a great deal of love.

true...but I think Manda's assessment is spot on for this situation. I am not sure if you have been following through the months on how he acts and what he does in many situations, but this isn't new for him. He isn't one that wants to talk at all...and he will stand behind his mom for the sake of standing behind her...period...even if she is wrong.

Nicole....just keep prayerfully on top of it. My dad was a lot like your husband is when we were growing up...kids were to be seen and not heard, and only speak if they were spoken to, etc. My mom was a good balancing factor for us though and she understood the things that my dad never did understand because of the way he was brought up. He was essentially never allowed to be a child...ever...so he didn't understand children at all. All three of us turned out pretty good though...but it took a concerted effort on my moms part for all of our growing up years to really make a difference. So just keep holding on to what you know to be right for Grace.



nicole6598 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/19/2008 6:24:27 PM)

Thanks Sarah, but then does that come into me not being submissive and supportive of his parenting? he does think that Nath for example should be left to scream his lungs out to sleep (while I do think controlled crying is ok, I don't think it is at this young age, esp when he is teething and has colic problems).
Sometimes I feel like I never even have time to pray about all this, I don't get anytime alone, I have either Grace and Nath or Nath or hubby around at all times, I dont get a night off, or even him watching the kids for 20 mins so I can have a shower. Its hard to just sit and talk to God sometimes and wait for him to answer back. Does anyone else feel that way or has felt that way? Sarah how did you do it when Paul was away?



peculiar_lady2 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/19/2008 6:32:05 PM)

quote:

Thanks Sarah, but then does that come into me not being submissive and supportive of his parenting?

no, it means you are parenting...which in this case you are so you are making the decisions. He hasn't stepped up to the plate to parent, and has been given many opportunities by you to do so...but he doesn't want to...so he doesn't really have a say in what you do.

You don't need time by yourself to pray...you just need to focus on one thing...that Jesus is right there with you wherever you go. If you had someone else in your house that quietly followed your around all day would you ignore them just because you couldn't sit down and "focus" on talking to them> God doesn't want you to do that...He wants a relationship, which means talking to Him through all the things you do every day. Teaching your kids to talk to Him throughout the day too. It doesn't take much time to say little things to God every day and throughout the day...but that's what works best for me. I hardly ever have a time without someone with me...except on the toilet...and that's not very long. Utilize the times you do have and don't think you can't pray just because your kids are there with you. Teach them to pray too throughout their day. Prayer isn't just for before meals and quiet time.

quote:

Sarah how did you do it when Paul was away?

I did what needed to be done because it needed to be done. I realized when I needed help (when I found out I was pregnant I went back to stay with my mom because I always get put on bed rest and I couldn't do that and live that far away from everyone I knew...and on the third floor...that was nearly impossible. I lasted about three months being there alone though...then I went to my moms.)



Jenny-Fair -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/19/2008 6:34:13 PM)

Nicole, I have prayed that you and your DH can come to one way of thinking on these issues. I will try and remember to pray for this whenever I 'see' you on here.



nicole6598 -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/19/2008 6:36:47 PM)

Thanks Jenny :)

Yeah Sarah I do pray through the day and Grace and I will stop and pray for hubby at times too when Iremember, but I don't know sometimes it doesn't seem "enough" you know? You have people saying, "you need to get alone with God" etc etc. I find it hard to concentrate, and it is short little "help me know what to say to him" sort of prayers, it just doesn't seem that is enough, but that is just a lie from the enemy isn't it?



Jenny-Fair -> RE: 3 yr old and their behaviour (2/19/2008 6:41:31 PM)

Who's the gal who had like 19 kids, and most of them grew up to be famous men of God? Anyway, she said she would throw her apron up over her head when she needed time alone with God to pray! LOL

You do what you can do. And realize that everything is a process-you are not yet at the finish line!



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