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earthless -> :: Mother-in-law (2/22/2008 12:07:43 PM)

Seeking advice, opinions and wisdom from you all - this thread may offend some and or it may shock others.... but it is sincere and from the heart.

Please help me pray that God moves my mother-in-law out of my house. She has been living with my wife and me for the last ten months and started to do so under the precept that she was there to help my wife when she got pregnant.

I was reluctant but had no choice in this decision. My mother in law is very stubborn, extremely set in her ways, and she is very messy (which drives me absolutely nuts) and is pushy.

She drives my wife nuts at times and she has even commented that she can't imagine how I must be dealing with it.

Well, nine months have passed and our baby (thank you Jesus!) is here. So now she is all on set to being with us more months to "help insert wife's name here with the baby........."

A few months ago she was telling people and us that she was going to leave in March.

Then later that date changed to April.

The later that date changed for May.

Now it is supposedly going to happen in June or July.

I say that she is not going to leave ever if she can help it.

I don't charge her a single red cent, never will and never have. I built her a room in our basement but now she wants to sleep in the living room because she has always battled me over the large screen TV there. She knows I want to relax on the weekend and, perhaps, watch a little TV and yet I end up feeling guilty and as if they are doing me a favor because I am there in the living room.

I work 60-70 hours a week so that my wife can be a stay at home mom/wife. We don't want our baby in daycare and my wife knows I do not want her mom to solely take care/raise our son *shiver*.

Our relationship (my mother in law and mine) is beyond strained now that it has been such a long time.

What also bothers me in a morbid sense is that she is all about my wife. If she runs out of milk, she goes out immediately and gets her several cartons, etc.. when I run out of milk and because I am working 12-15 hour days (cannot go buy some for me during the week) she doesn't get me any.

It may sound childish, but that is just a smidget of an example of how it all about her daughter.

I worry about my son being cared for by her, I really do. Maybe that's really wrong of me, but you'd have to know her.

It is really straining me and our marriage. Our marriage in the sense that it's hard for me to be joyful when I get home after a long day.. because she is there. Yes, it has gotten to the point where just seeing her there really irks me.

Lord, please forgive me if I am wrong in all of this.. but I really just want to have my home, my family (my wife, my baby, and me) at peace.. able to live our lives without us feeling like we really just living with mom.. and her mom to boot.

Because that is how I feel and my wife has agreed - we feel as if this house of ours (we have been married 6 years) is really now just hers and we're the kids living with her.

Ugh, how it angers me so.



crankius -> RE: :: Mother-in-law (2/22/2008 3:02:35 PM)

Earthless,

I skimmed the other thread, and I may have missed this--Does your wife want your MIL to stay living with you, or does she want her to move out?



crankius -> RE: :: Mother-in-law (2/22/2008 3:09:23 PM)

Another question--was the pregnancy for your wife a difficult one? Why did the mother feel she needed to move in for the pregnancy?



stampinlady -> RE: :: Mother-in-law (2/22/2008 3:10:49 PM)

Does she have home to go to? I would think that the two of you should just sit down with her and tell her the truth. Sunds easier said then done I'm sure.[8D]



earthless -> RE: :: Mother-in-law (2/22/2008 3:42:20 PM)

No home for her to go to... she has no bills.

And no my wife's pregnancy was not a hard one, she did great the whole time. She did work up to the 8 month mark, but she is now home.

Out of respect to the moderators - please ask me any other questions in that thread, thank you. [:)]

[Mod note: Please ask questions here. Thanks! [;)]]



bride48 -> RE: :: Mother-in-law (2/22/2008 3:44:10 PM)

You'll both need to tell her how you feel, Earthless. If she continues living there, your authority as head of household will be shattered. If it isn't already. And your son will certainly play her against you when he's older. I pray she'll leave...soon!



Kat_D -> RE: :: Mother-in-law (2/22/2008 3:50:55 PM)

Earthless,

If she is affecting your marriage and family in a negative way I see nothing wrong with asking her to leave. Thank her for all of her help before and after the baby and then simply tell her that her assistance is no longer required...that you and your wife can manage now.

If she previously said she could move by May, I think it is reasonable for you to tell her that is the month you will expect her to be out...and then enforce it. On March 15th ask her if you can help her find a place. On April 1st, ask her what you can do to help her to prepare to move...ask if she needs help packing or arranging for a moving truck. Then don't allow her any opening or opportunity to change her mind.

Your wife and child are your priority here and if this is causing undue stress and strife in your home, I think it's time for MIL to go.



ta_mosquito -> RE: :: Mother-in-law (2/22/2008 4:13:35 PM)

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crankius -> RE: :: Mother-in-law (2/22/2008 4:28:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: earthless
She did work up to the 8 month mark, but she is now home.



So it seems very odd to me that this mother moved in with her adult, married daughter to care for her during her pregnancy.

Pregnancy is nothing new, and usually a husband cares for his wife while she is pregnant, unless there is some extreme situation that calls for the MIL's help.



earthless -> RE: :: Mother-in-law (2/22/2008 9:53:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: crankius

quote:

ORIGINAL: earthless
She did work up to the 8 month mark, but she is now home.



So it seems very odd to me that this mother moved in with her adult, married daughter to care for her during her pregnancy.

Pregnancy is nothing new, and usually a husband cares for his wife while she is pregnant, unless there is some extreme situation that calls for the MIL's help.


Her daughter is everything to her and her obsession with her is a bit sickening to be honest... The cynical part of me thinks that she was just looking for a rent & bill free comfortable place to live.. a place where she could take control and keep a very close eye on her precious precious daughter. [&:]



Kat_D -> RE: :: Mother-in-law (2/22/2008 10:32:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: earthless

quote:

ORIGINAL: crankius

quote:

ORIGINAL: earthless
She did work up to the 8 month mark, but she is now home.



So it seems very odd to me that this mother moved in with her adult, married daughter to care for her during her pregnancy.

Pregnancy is nothing new, and usually a husband cares for his wife while she is pregnant, unless there is some extreme situation that calls for the MIL's help.


Her daughter is everything to her and her obsession with her is a bit sickening to be honest... The cynical part of me thinks that she was just looking for a rent & bill free comfortable place to live.. a place where she could take control and keep a very close eye on her precious precious daughter. [&:]


It's time to book her a flight to go house hunting in Florida, Earthless.[X(]



W.O.F. -> RE: :: Mother-in-law (2/22/2008 10:37:47 PM)

my first piece of advice...talk to your wife about how you feel about all of this..and see how she feels....then come up with a PLAN TOGETHER on how to "get rid of MIL".

I went through something similar when my oldest child was about 1 year old...only it was MY mother and I was trying to go back to college.

We had to get blunt and say that we had a plan, we knew what we were doing and that we really needed to raise our daughter our way.


I just recommend that you fully talk this out with your wife so that you are both signed up for whatever it is you need to do...whether it is set firm and solid boundaries, or simply tell MIL to get out.



crankius -> RE: :: Mother-in-law (2/22/2008 10:41:20 PM)

You and your wife should be on the same page, and it looks like this is going to take some gentle guidance and leadership from you.

Your wife needs to leave and cleave. If you sense that your wife has a stronger pull towards her mother than she does to you, then your wife probably hasn't done the leave and cleave thing in her heart and mind as much as she should.

She should definitely still love her mom and want to spend time with her, etc., but she should cling to her own household with you and your child, bonding as husband and wife and as new parents, more than she desires to bond with her mom. Hopefully I'm making sense [8D].



Roberta_ -> RE: :: Mother-in-law (2/23/2008 12:32:27 AM)

How is your wife doing now that the baby is here?

Does she feel that she needs any help?



GodsGirl -> RE: :: Mother-in-law (2/23/2008 2:06:52 AM)

Hey Earthless, :)

One more thing.. even though she is and we are all human.. she was a Missionary that planted churches. So, she should know that creating this tension between the three of you is not a blessing. She has an accountablitly to be a blessing not a hinderance to your household.

Keep up the prayin I know your doin.. God will provide. And it is completely normal to be exhausted mentally and physically with a newborn. Praying for strength!

Hugs, GG



manda59 -> RE: :: Mother-in-law (2/23/2008 5:20:16 AM)

You and your wife need to set a final date for her, and actively assist her finding somewhere else, and I mean actively.

Could I ask how old she is, what her health is like, and whether (you may not know this) she has savings as well as her pension?

I have read both threads but am still really unsure as to why you are finding it so hard to be firm with her, and to be a man in your own house, unless it is that your wife is too attached (either by affection or by guilt) to her mother.



jenny61 -> RE: :: Mother-in-law (2/23/2008 9:30:23 AM)

I really know what you are going through .When I married my husband, his divorced mother was living with him in his house and she let me know that she was there before I was and when we had our son she pretty much took over taking care of him until he was about 9 months old ,so finallyI had enough and we sold the house and she had to get her own apt.. It was a gift sent from God . No matter what in most cases 2 families cannot live together and get along.We love each other better when we can have some alone time without them around 24/7



cavalry1st -> RE: :: Mother-in-law (2/23/2008 3:21:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kat_D

Earthless,

If she is affecting your marriage and family in a negative way I see nothing wrong with asking her to leave. Thank her for all of her help before and after the baby and then simply tell her that her assistance is no longer required...that you and your wife can manage now.

If she previously said she could move by May, I think it is reasonable for you to tell her that is the month you will expect her to be out...and then enforce it. On March 15th ask her if you can help her find a place. On April 1st, ask her what you can do to help her to prepare to move...ask if she needs help packing or arranging for a moving truck. Then don't allow her any opening or opportunity to change her mind.

Your wife and child are your priority here and if this is causing undue stress and strife in your home, I think it's time for MIL to go.


Very good and I agree. Firmness, said with love and thanks, will win. Just don't back down should your MIL put up a fuss.



earthless -> RE: :: Mother-in-law (2/23/2008 3:46:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59

You and your wife need to set a final date for her, and actively assist her finding somewhere else, and I mean actively.

Could I ask how old she is,


A very healthy and active 61


quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59


what her health is like,


Perfect.


quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59

and whether (you may not know this) she has savings as well as her pension?


Well, she lost $30K to a Word of Faith swindle.. but she receives a very nice pension every month, more than enough to live on her own.


quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59


I have read both threads but am still really unsure as to why you are finding it so hard to be firm with her, and to be a man in your own house, unless it is that your wife is too attached (either by affection or by guilt) to her mother.


Reason is because I don't want this to backfire with my own parents and sister, brother in law, two nieces. I come from a VERY small family, as a matter of fact I just named my family in the prior sentence. I know that if I were to get all hard about this and "put my foot down" my wife will take it the wrong way and in turn treat my family in the same manner. She knows that would kill me. So I am doing my best with reverse psychology and hoping that my wife will tell her own mom to leave.



Kat_D -> RE: :: Mother-in-law (2/23/2008 3:55:39 PM)

quote:

I know that if I were to get all hard about this and "put my foot down" my wife will take it the wrong way and in turn treat my family in the same manner. She knows that would kill me.


Not sure what you mean here. You are not mistreating her mother by asking her to leave to preserve the peace of your household. If your mother moved in and made your wife's life miserable, would you allow that? It isn't your mother who is doing or has done that...it's hers.

quote:

So I am doing my best with reverse psychology and hoping that my wife will tell her own mom to leave.


Okay then, if that's the way you want to do it, then you will have to have the patience to wait it out until that happens; always keeping in mind that it may never happen. People like your MIL, don't take subtle hints or she would be gone by now.



peace77 -> RE: :: Mother-in-law (2/23/2008 3:56:54 PM)

Hoping that the situation will change isn't going to work.

I would start by telling your MIL that you will not permit your lviing room to be turned into her bedroom.

By telling MIL to leave does not mean that you have to cut off ties with her or end the relationship. It just means that living under the same roof isn't working out and that your family needs its privacy.

I understand that you aren't getting along but for the moment -- pretend that you are.

Get your wife on board with the idea of setting a time limit to MIL's stay.
Go to her (both of you) and say something like MIL, it's been very nice having you visit. We think it 's time that you found your own place.
It won't work out for you to continue to stay here after _____________________(date that you and wife agree on).


Peace,
Anne



Roberta_ -> RE: :: Mother-in-law (2/23/2008 4:00:23 PM)

earthless- I will pray for your delicate family situation.

It sounds like the issues run deeper than the inconvenience of having her living with you.



CherishedbyGod -> RE: :: Mother-in-law (2/23/2008 4:01:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: earthless

Reason is because I don't want this to backfire with my own parents and sister, brother in law, two nieces. I come from a VERY small family, as a matter of fact I just named my family in the prior sentence. I know that if I were to get all hard about this and "put my foot down" my wife will take it the wrong way and in turn treat my family in the same manner. She knows that would kill me. So I am doing my best with reverse psychology and hoping that my wife will tell her own mom to leave.


Very wise. I've seen whole families get involved, take sides, etc. in this sort of thing. It is horrible

I am not into psycology but I have read a little about co-dependancy, and it sounds like your MIL is a classic! Especially since you said you wife is like an obcession with your MIL.



manda59 -> RE: :: Mother-in-law (2/23/2008 4:22:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: earthless
A very healthy and active 61


So she could not only support herself with her pension, she would also be employable.

quote:


Reason is because I don't want this to backfire with my own parents and sister, brother in law, two nieces. I come from a VERY small family, as a matter of fact I just named my family in the prior sentence. I know that if I were to get all hard about this and "put my foot down" my wife will take it the wrong way and in turn treat my family in the same manner. She knows that would kill me. So I am doing my best with reverse psychology and hoping that my wife will tell her own mom to leave.


What makes you so sure that your wife would behave like this?
Also, how could she treat your family the same way, they are not living with you.

I have to say that it sounds like you are afraid of your wife, can't be honest with her, and don't trust her to act in your best interests (and in the interests of your family). You are effectively allowing her to hold you to ransom over this. This is a much wider issue.

Besides, even IF she was vindictive enough to behave badly towards your family, at least you'd have your house back, and your baby to yourself, and you could then work on resolving that situation instead.

I guess you have to decide which is worse - an ongoing stressful situation that is already undermining/threatening your marriage, or a (probably) temporary situation with your family that might never happen.

I have to say that the problem is not actually with your MIL, but with your marriage.
It may be that you might benefit from having some marriage counselling.



lightshineon -> RE: :: Mother-in-law (2/23/2008 8:58:43 PM)

I think I see more than one thing going on. You are working, as the sole bread winner 10-12 hours a day. A new baby is a joy, but causes great stress, and requires so much attention. I think you maybe feeling neglected, unseen, unimportant ex. the milk issue. Your wife is giving baby much attention, MIL, is giving wife attention. Where do you fit in?

I understand how this could backfire, but, hopefully, your wife can understand the stress you are under. Are you afraid that she will treat your family unkind, with the baby and such? I think I would have a kind talk with MIL, and explain your feelings. Things do not have to be ugly.



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