RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (Full Version)

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joy2give2u -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 5:18:35 PM)

quote:

"They, like me, would rather feel alone in a marriage than actually be alone, because they, like me, realize that marriage ultimately isn’t about cosmic connection — it’s about how having a teammate, even if he’s not the love of your life, is better than not having one at all."
Feelings can lie to us......feeling alone is not based on being physically alone........and everyone, even those in a happy marriage based on Godly principals, will on occasion feel alone.....even if it is a spouse being at work during a special event.......loneness can be felt.

The key word is not her feelings of loneness but her realization of being alone.......what she desires is to not be alone any longer........to have a teammate........she realized she is trying to field a one person team in a team sport...and she is losing all enjoyment in the game.

Love of your life.......interesting words.........what do they mean........can we really know someone is the love of our life until our lives are over? And is there only one love of our lives?

quote:

Marriage is not simple about not being alone, but about choosing to love and serve our spouse.
I agree and putting down the idea of a fairytale prince is the first step in taking our eyes off what we want and in the case of many women need from a man in order to feel like a princess. It allows us to turn our focus on the man and being who we, as women, were created to be for the man we chose to accept as our husband.

There is a reason the Bible says a man is to love his wife and a wife is to honor /respect her husband. Why is it you think God did not have to instruct a woman to love her husband?



benelchi -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 5:23:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hotsaucygma

To a degree I agree benelchi, in fact the Quote you put at the top is the part of the article that I would object to the most - because I would disagree that it is ever better to "feel alone in a marriage than to actually be alone". I have been there and it is not better - the lonliest I have ever been is in my marriage. I would not recommend it to anyone! Yes, marriage is much more than just "not being alone".


I agree.

quote:

However, there is something to be said for the idea that someone having to be "the love of your life" before you have a relationship with them is a bit "crazy" too.


A lot depends on how you define "relationship". While I would agree that someone should not have to be "the love of your life" in order to have a relationship with you, if it is a romantic relationship you should at least see the potential, and if you are offering or accepting a marriage proposal, it should be only with the "love of your life"!

quote:

I am not saying there shouldn't be feelings above and beyond what you feel for the neighbor down the street!! Yes, love is important, respect, caring, etc. all that is important, marriage isn't easy and if you don't have love for each other it will be that much harder, but the "stars in the eyes" fall out pretty darn quickly when the horse manure starts hitting the carpet... it takes much more than "in love" to sustain the relationship.


I think this is the big difference between the Christian perspective of Love, and the Hollywood perspective of "Love". A Christian chooses to make their spouse the "love of their life" even when "the horse manure starts hitting the carpet"; Hollywood believes a couple can make it through the "horse manure" only while they still see their spouse as "the love of their life"


quote:


This woman was writing from a secular prespective, of course I would expect us as Christians to have a higher standard, but she wasn't totally off base, imo.


I think this is exactly the point. What was presented is a counterfeit to a Godly relationship and as in any good counterfeit some of the parts resemble the real thing; however, the counterfeit is still worthless no matter how good it may look.



hotsaucygma -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 5:32:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: benelchi

A lot depends on how you define "relationship". While I would agree that someone should not have to be "the love of your life" in order to have a relationship with you, if it is a romantic relationship you should at least see the potential, and if you are offering or accepting a marriage proposal, it should be only with the "love of your life"!


I believe that you can make this person the love of your life if the basics are there- it doesn't need to be at a level 10 from the starters pistol, kwim?

quote:



I think this is the big difference between the Christian perspective of Love, and the Hollywood perspective of "Love". A Christian chooses to make their spouse the "love of their life" even when "the horse manure starts hitting the carpet"; Hollywood believes a couple can make it through the "horse manure" only while they still see their spouse as "the love of their life"


And as a non-Christian this is what she is saying too- that you can "make" your spouse into the "love of your life"...

quote:


quote:


This woman was writing from a secular prespective, of course I would expect us as Christians to have a higher standard, but she wasn't totally off base, imo.


I think this is exactly the point. What was presented is a counterfeit to a Godly relationship and as in any good counterfeit some of the parts resemble the real thing; however, the counterfeit is still worthless no matter how good it may look.


Agreed.

But to say she is totally off base with the idea that one can make a good marriage with someone even when they do not immediately strike you as "the love of your life", is wrong, again- imo.



hotsaucygma -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 5:35:18 PM)

Well, gotta go for now... I won't be back until Monday- can't wait to see the rest of the opnions then!



900MHZ -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 5:37:47 PM)

Thing is, if the lady had to "settle", she would probably resent the fact she had to settle, and it would probably cause misery for the husband, right? I hear alot of that happening as well, the lady gets disgruntled, winds up marrying one of her male friends she's been friends with for 5 years, though he's not the spitting image of a handsome man, she probably has some "disdain" or misdirected anger and take it out on him?

That's what I hear as a result in "settling" for someone.

Great feedback by the way!



joy2give2u -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 5:41:05 PM)

quote:

She is advocating marriage simply to avoid being alone, not because she has or wants to offer anything to a potential husband. Her goal is simple being married in order to avoid being alone, to whom doesn't seem to matter.
I didn't get this from her at all.........I felt sorry for her.....because I think she was craving the closeness of marriage........she wants someone who knows her so well he puts up with her negative things, knows all her ins and outs, walks through life with her and together they make up a team.........

She sees the women in the park and hears them complain about their husbands but inside knows, despite all the feminist rantings, that they like herself were created to be a part of a team.......to be part of a "traditional family"

This part stood out to me........
quote:

Our culture tells us to keep our eyes on the prize
.....I think she is realizing the prize is different then what she always imagined........

Remember as HSGMA stated this was written from a secular point of view so obviously her view of the things she is realizing are described based on that mindset.......Yet I think her heart is saying the same thing our hearts are saying.

quote:

To me she came off as the type of person that if you were married to her she would be more concerned with her own happiness. As in "I'm more concerned with my happiness than our happiness".
Maybe it is harder for me to see this way because of who I am but I felt she was saying that in the past it had always been about what she wanted, finding what met her needs, and seeking things out of selfish motives........but now she realizes what she really wants is the be a wife and mother...........

Who knows what she was really saying, since none of us knows her, but it is interesting how the majority responded the same way the secular world does when she has spoken of settling for Mr. Good Enough.

I don't want to marry a prince charming and I am not looking for a fairy tale.......I just desire to marry a man who is "Good Enough" for God to chose him for me.........If he is good enough for God he is good enough for me ..........[:D]
[:D][:D]



joy2give2u -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 5:48:54 PM)

quote:

What was presented is a counterfeit to a Godly relationship and as in any good counterfeit some of the parts resemble the real thing; however, the counterfeit is still worthless no matter how good it may look.
I agree........but I still find it refreshing to see someone with a secular mindset realizing what she thought she wanted was never really what she was created to desire.



benelchi -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 5:53:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: joy2give2u

quote:

What was presented is a counterfeit to a Godly relationship and as in any good counterfeit some of the parts resemble the real thing; however, the counterfeit is still worthless no matter how good it may look.
I agree........but I still find it refreshing to see someone with a secular mindset realizing what she thought she wanted was never really what she was created to desire.



True, but it is still sad to see her settle for a different lie. The richness of a Christ centered and loving relationship is really what she was created to desire (even if she doesn't know it).



vikingfan -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 5:58:16 PM)

What I believe is that we need to be looking for someone who we can work better together for the kingdom of God than we can without. If the other girl (whoever she is) and I cannot see ourselves working better together for the Lord than we could separately, why on earth should we be looking to marry that person?

I don't view it as settling, I view it as finding a person who fits God's mission for you, whatever it is, and vice versa. Otherwise, she may be a perfectly wonderful person, but if she's called overseas and I am not (hypothetically), why on earth should I consider her?

So basically, settling would be taking somebody just to get married rather than taking someone whom you can impact the world far better for the Lord than without.

I'll conclude with a statement some of my guy friends use: "I want a beautiful woman who wants to go and conquer the world for Christ with me."



derek_from_canada -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 10:24:08 PM)

About marriage and settling,

I heard this recently:

"Choose the one you love,
then love the one you choose."

After the choice of marriage, love is an act of the will, a decision, not a feeling.



shemaromans -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 10:25:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: derek_from_canada

About marriage and settling,

I heard this recently:

"Choose the one you love,
then love the one you choose."

After the choice of marriage, love is an act of the will, a decision, not a feeling.

I agree wholeheartedly.



WaitingforBoaz -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/29/2008 12:31:26 AM)

Ditto



CoeurdeLeon_ -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/29/2008 8:44:39 AM)

I read the article and there are a few points I agree with.

For one thing, I think she finally woke up, smelled the coffee and realized that maybe she doesn't deserve all the things she thought she did when she was younger and full of herself.

I've taken this up a couple of times here. If you think you deserve a 9 on the looks scale, or a certain level of higher education, or a certain social status, you're gonna be holding out for someone who may not be all that interested in you. If they marry you, perhaps they're the ones who will be settling.

If, on the other hand, you are a Godly, decent, honest person of admirable character and integrity, then by all means, you shouldn't settle for less than that. Character, and all that that entails, counts. Not much else does.

2) Zing isn't the thing. You can have incredible chemistry with someone who will treat you like garbage. She mentions respect toward the end of the article. That's the ticket! Love, the real thing, is borne out of respect. I won't "settle" for someone I can't respect. But if I find someone whom I deeply respect, deep love will result and I won't be settling in any sense of the term.

3) She sounds coldheartedly pragmatic. Well, if the choice is between pragmatism and belief in some fairy tale, I'll take pragmatism any day. What she said about a partnership in a business is pretty accurate. The daily grind is what disillusions so many people. But that's what life mostly is with the occasional crisis thrown in. Give me someone who will 'be there' through the day to day stuff. Someone who, by themselves, can make being in an empty room fun and who, with me, can enjoy slogging through life's dailiness. Not someone who will lose interest and not be there when things are boringly normal.

I'll be pragmatic right up until the wedding and the day after is when I'll put my rose-colored glasses on permanently![;)][:)]

As benelchi said, there are a few nuggets of truth in there that we can apply with a Christian's perspective.



acts_one8 -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/29/2008 10:38:04 AM)

I think there is a problem with our culture that has led to the 'need to settle'. We judge people not by God's standards but by our culture's standards. I believe most people have such high standards for the person they want to marry that they will never find a suitable mate!

I married 'the one' almost 25 years ago (and I pray that all of my children will be able to say that someday). I was young and 'crazy in love' . . . . but what if I had waited to 'be independent' and 'do the career thing' first, when I would be old enough to 'have standards'? I might have realized he wasn't perfect and decided I shouldn't settle for him!

So, no . . . I don't think we should 'settle' for someone we don't love. But we shouldn't love based on everything being 'ideal' because we will never find that.

Until just a few generations ago (and in some cultures still today) young people had little to do with selecting their future spouses . . . or at least made the selection under the guidance of their parents. They also didn't know potential mates as intimately as we do today thus not having as much chance to figure out everything that is wrong with someone . . . .

Bottom line for anyone on the settle vs don't settle arguement would be to pray and seek wise counsel . . . God does care about your spouse and will provide (assuming that is His plan for you).



tinydancer2 -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/29/2008 12:20:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mutinywxgirl

This is total secular thinking and in NO way relates to how God works in our lives to bring us together with the person who IS our right mate.

The report is rubbish, IMNSHO.


Yep rubbish and as I observe her ways and words few scriptures started to roll in my mind as Psalm 1 "we are trees planted by streams of water which yields its fruits in season and wose leaf does not wither"...the blessings comming from one who belongs to God and have Him inside and those who do not is a question of one being dead and the other made alive. I do clearly know because I had been there sitted in the seat of mockers, the confuse, the lost, the state of a person who are not in God because Lord Jesus perfect work imputed to them. The people of God may perish because of lack of knowlegde when they have acess to things given us freely by the Lord 1 Co 2:12 ..they are talking from ignorance, imaturity etc but a lost person walk in darkness, period.

Plus the pratical plain observation that Omega Syndrome pointed out as what is the point to even listen to someone who has not have a sucessful relationship? At least many writers of this kind of books and others have somekind of "sucess" story to prove their recipes is a good and tried one..???

quote:

ORIGINAL: acts_one8

I think there is a problem with our culture that has led to the 'need to settle'. We judge people not by God's standards but by our culture's standards. I believe most people have such high standards for the person they want to marry that they will never find a suitable mate!



Bottom line for anyone on the settle vs don't settle arguement would be to pray and seek wise counsel . . . God does care about your spouse and will provide (assuming that is His plan for you).


Welcome to CW, Acts one8.

Amem! The importance of wise counsel from a renewed mind as we have the Counsel is a Resident in ourselves who were born in God and are alive and well because we died in Christ and live in Him.

What have light in commom with darkness? As a person who walks in darkness with a sinful mind is hostile to God, they are fools to the One who searches hearts and minds. As the Lord cannot renew their minds as He can do ours who belongs to Him who may are walk in foolishness, as we just ask Him to direct our paths at each of our steps as we are walking with Him already. The Word of God is a lamp to our feet.

Then a mindset that is in darkness is plain foolishness and rubbish, I know I was there "blank" and darkness too... as we are in Christ, now, we are strongly reminded in Romans 12 "to not be conformed any longer to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and aprove what God's will is - His good, pleasant and perfect will".

Yep mindset that is not God's, is rubbish.



John_O -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/29/2008 1:42:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hotsaucygma

quote:

ORIGINAL: joy2give2u

quote:

I still get the impression that she's not looking to be a wife she just wants a husband. (KWIM?)
Interesting statement..........


Yes, interesting statement... hum. Expand on that please John O.



Trainfan did a great job of addressing this but I'll swing at it anyway.

Marriage is not about you. It's ALL about the other person. If you decide at the start to do everything you can for the other person, and they decide the same, then you will have a heavenly marriage.

It is far different to have a husband than to be a wife. Having a husband is all about you. Very self-centered and destined to lead to a marriage full of misery and pain.

Being a wife is all about the other person. As long as you choose wisely, choosing someone who wants to be a husband, then you will have a good marriage.

In everything she wrote I detected nothing that says that she wants to be good to her husband, everything she talked about was the benefits of marriage to her. Now these benefits are great and to be desired, however, if you seek the benefits you never really get them. If you seek to be a benefit then you get. Kind of like "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you." Seek the things and you don't get them. Seek God and you get God AND all the things. We've got to keep our priorities right, and her priorities don't seem right to me.

Make sense?



John_O -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/29/2008 1:46:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hotsaucygma
marriage is taking two imperfect people and if you do it right, letting God mold you into Mr. and Mrs. Right-for-each-other.

...

have a great life despite the fact that we didn't find "THE ONE ", which I personally am not sure is even a valid concept.


This is correct. There is no such thing as "the One" You become "the one" for each other when the preachers says "I now pronounce you man and wife". Then you spend the rest of your live's becomming each other's "love of your life"

(Almost) Any two people can have a heavenly marriage if they decide to work for it together.



John_O -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/29/2008 1:49:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hotsaucygma
Yes, love is important, respect, caring, etc. all that is important, marriage isn't easy and if you don't have love for each other it will be that much harder, but the "stars in the eyes" fall out pretty darn quickly when the horse manure starts hitting the carpet... it takes much more than "in love" to sustain the relationship.


Love is essentially a decision. You can decide to never let the "stars in the eyes" fall out. I had mine for M from the day I decided to love her until the day she died, regardless of everything else we faced together (and apart) through that time. I loved her because I decided to love her (And still do).

Anyone who can say "I just don't love them anymore" (without major cause to stop loving them) wasn't in love with them in the first place. (sorry, major pet peeve of mine)



John_O -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/29/2008 1:53:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
Love of your life.......interesting words.........what do they mean........can we really know someone is the love of our life until our lives are over? And is there only one love of our lives?


The one person you love more than any other person. You can have only one at a time. In My opinion it is only possible to have a love of your life within the confines of marriage. It cannot be achieved without rock solid lifetime committment.



John_O -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/29/2008 1:54:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: benelchi
I think this is the big difference between the Christian perspective of Love, and the Hollywood perspective of "Love". A Christian chooses to make their spouse the "love of their life" even when "the horse manure starts hitting the carpet"; Hollywood believes a couple can make it through the "horse manure" only while they still see their spouse as "the love of their life"



SOCCOL

Exactly right.



John_O -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/29/2008 1:58:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
I don't want to marry a prince charming and I am not looking for a fairy tale.......I just desire to marry a man who is "Good Enough" for God to chose him for me.........If he is good enough for God he is good enough for me ..........[:D]
[:D][:D]


I can honestly say that the woman who marries me will get the fairy tale as I will work to make our marriage a "happily ever after".


(Besides that I'm just a prince among men. (Ouch, stop it OW. OK OK I take it back. Ouch))



John_O -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/29/2008 1:59:50 PM)

Vikinigfan --> Great post 34

Derek ---> Great post 35



John_O -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/29/2008 2:03:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon
Give me someone who will 'be there' through the day to day stuff. Someone who, by themselves, can make being in an empty room fun and who, with me, can enjoy slogging through life's dailiness. Not someone who will lose interest and not be there when things are boringly normal.


Life has been such that "boringly normal" always sounds so incredibly attractive to me.[:D]

quote:

I'll be pragmatic right up until the wedding and the day after is when I'll put my rose-colored glasses on permanently![;)][:)]


Exactly correct.



CoeurdeLeon_ -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/29/2008 2:04:24 PM)

quote:

Life has been such that "boringly normal" always sounds so incredibly attractive to me.

Ain't that the truth. Bring on the boring!!![:D]



WaitingforBoaz -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/29/2008 2:56:39 PM)

quote:

Marriage is not about you. It's ALL about the other person. If you decide at the start to do everything you can for the other person, and they decide the same, then you will have a heavenly marriage.

It is far different to have a husband than to be a wife. Having a husband is all about you. Very self-centered and destined to lead to a marriage full of misery and pain.

Being a wife is all about the other person. As long as you choose wisely, choosing someone who wants to be a husband, then you will have a good marriage.



I agree with everything John_O has said about this, I just wanted to add:

Even if you do choose wisely and marry someone, who wants to be a husband and is a man of God. There can be times (because we are human and likely to sin ) that He will not be all that you thought he was.(even if it is for a short time) or he can be stuggling in another area (at his job or with finances) We are human and we will disappoint each other. However if you make the marriage about them and not about you. You may be able to lovingly and many times silently (thru prayer and unconditional love) help bring them back to where you and they know they should be. I think that these times can actually deepen your love for one another. I don't think that someone going into a marriage for something akin to a business partnership will be able to help their spouse when they struggle. They are more likely to try to find "happiness" somewhere else.

edited



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