RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (Full Version)

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joy2give2u -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/29/2008 3:55:07 PM)

quote:

In everything she wrote I detected nothing that says that she wants to be good to her husband, everything she talked about was the benefits of marriage to her.
I think this may be a case where perception is colored by the words each person focused on while reading the article.

Her words, along with the examples she used, lead me to believe she was not looking for someone to take over half the duties, pay half the bills or be only a business partner in a family..........Words such as teamwork, knows your day to day trivia and puts up with your quirks........spoke more of a deep bonding, a closeness not typical of two people unless they love deeply and are committed to each other.

Even the examples she used to make her case, such as Will and Grace, speak of a bond so strong you willingly put the other person ahead of your own wants and desires. I have only seen the show Will and Grace three or four times but the connection between the two is very, very strong.......so much so when I first saw it I thought they were married.

The woman who wrote the article touched my heart.........I did not read what she wrote the way others here did and still am confused why the assumption was made by settling for less then what she thought she wanted meant she would not love, honor and give of herself to her husband..........Are only those men(or things)which lead to adventure, power, excitement and fulfillment of what we want out of life worthy of love?

Let me tell you a love story. One I think the lady writing the article would relate to if she would to read it.

Many many years ago in a far off land was a princess eagerly chasing her dreams.

She was high spirited, full of passion, pursuing all life had to offer.....from shore to shore she traveled making friends, seeking adventure, escaping danger and loving life.

One perilous adventure lead her face to face with death [sm=icon_smile_yikes.gif] Desperate and afraid the princess called out, "Father help me"
He came. Her King. Riding in to rescue His princess.
Taking her home to safety where he tended her wounds with his very hands.....

Strength returned, fear buried, the strong princess began to rise out the ashes of defeat.

Was she ready to begin her quest for the desires of her heart again? Was she strong enough?

"Yes I am ready" she proclaimed
"No my beloved you are not" responded the King "I am giving you the task of caring for my servant, the one who committed his life to raising you, in his old age"

The King had issued His order the princess would do as He commanded.

The village was stunned.

"But what of her dreams?"
"What of the princess's goals and desires?"
"Do they mean nothing to the King?"
"He is making her settle for a life so much less then what she could have"

On and on the village people grumbled, making their opinion clear to the princess and even though at times she would begin to wonder ,if she was settling for less in her life, she trusted the King's love for her and believed somehow settling would not be a negative thing.

Year upon year the princess tended the King's servant, bandaging his wounds, cooking, cleaning, keeping him company and serving him.

Her love for him grew from loving him for what he had done for her growing up to loving him for who he was and who loving him was making her. Loving him, caring for him, giving her life for him changed her in ways she could never have imagined.

She had settled in life for far less then what she had imagined but had gained more then she could comprehend.

Loving and serving the King's servant was not settling as she had thought...no it was so much more....the relationship built, experience lived, knowledge gained, and sacrifice given fulfilled the princess more then any adventure she had previous sought.....this grand adventure.........the one others, including the princess had considered settling for less.......turned out the be the greatest adventure of her life so far.

Here my story takes a turn.........the servant dies.

The princess is left alone. So honored is she, the King, gave her the opportunity to serve his servant, the one who the King had chosen to raise his daughter, with an unconditional, serving love.

The King had used the experience to transform the thinking of the Princess. She no longer had a desire to seek all the things which were so important to her.

She sees clearly refusing to "settle" would have lead to her settling for far less then what she gained when she did settle.

I think the princess and the lady who wrote the article see things in a similar way.......

The princess understands the comment about being alone with someone is better then being alone.....When her life was focused on pursuing her desires and dreams she had moments of feeling lonely but rarely felt alone..........Now that she is no longer living her life in service to one she loves, now that he is gone, she is very alone........Being alone,after experiencing what it means to be together, is so much harder then being lonely.

Yes I think the princess and the lady who wrote the article see things in a similar way..........the only different........

The princess, upon obedience to the King, settled and in doing so realized what loving another really means.

The lady in the article, because she does not yet know the King, did not settle and in doing so learned what loving another does not mean.

Wait the story is not over.......you see there will be a happy ending for the Princess........I believe the King has already begun to arrange her marriage to a prince who she will be able to love even more then she did the one she loved before him.

As for the lady in the article........I have hope for her........I believe she may someday chose to settle for less then she thought she wanted and find so much more then she was seeking.

The end.



John_O -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/29/2008 4:27:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: joy2give2u

Even the examples she used to make her case, such as Will and Grace,


Will's a sexual pervert. The show has no relevance to marriage whatsoever.

(start of story)
quote:

The King had issued His order the princess would do as He commanded.


So the princess obeys the king. Good. She did not settle, she simply obeyed. The author of the article is obeying only herself. Not really a good comparison.


quote:

Wait the story is not over.......you see there will be a happy ending for the Princess........I believe the King has already begun to arrange her marriage to a prince who she will be able to love even more then she did the one she loved before him.


Obedience brings it's reward. By not settling, she will get what she desired. If she had settled (and disobeyed the king) she'd not get what she really wanted.


quote:

As for the lady in the article........I have hope for her........I believe she may someday chose to settle for less then she thought she wanted and find so much more then she was seeking.


She's already planning to settle for less than she wants. A loveless marriage of convenience from all I read. Far too sad. Now perhaps she'll get saved and then she too can obey the King and not settle.


BTW, very good story.



WalkingwithHim2 -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/29/2008 4:57:15 PM)

I'm looking for Mr. Right for Me, one who will encourage and nurture me to become the best me possible and let me do the same for him and I will NOT settle for less.



BugLady -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (3/1/2008 12:26:42 AM)

Settling? Hmmm... I'll settle when I hear "I believe you." and "You were right." and "I was wrong." [;)]



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (3/1/2008 12:37:22 AM)

quote:

Of course, there's always Dr. Phil, right ? LOL (Married X amt of times)


Actually, IIRC, he's still married to his first wife, and only married once.



WaitingforBoaz -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (3/1/2008 12:44:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels

quote:

Of course, there's always Dr. Phil, right ? LOL (Married X amt of times)


Actually, IIRC, he's still married to his first wife, and only married once.


I have read his wife Robins book "Inside my Heart" it is very good.
She is a christian and she talks about her Marriage and Motherhood. I really enjoyed it.



bonniejo -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (3/1/2008 2:51:33 PM)

I am one of those 40-something single women out there who have never been married. To be honest, there are days that I think that I might be single forever, but those days are outnumbered by the days that I know GOD has control over everything including my love life. I choose singlehood with GOD over settling for something less than what HE wants for me. I believe there is "the one" that GOD created me for, just as he created Eve for Adam. He put the dream of marriage in my heart for a reason. I have to have enough faith and patience in HIM to see it through, which ironically are 2 of the main traits I need to be a good wife. [:)]



womanoffire1 -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (3/2/2008 3:26:25 PM)

quote:

I am one of those 40-something single women out there who have never been married. To be honest, there are days that I think that I might be single forever, but those days are outnumbered by the days that I know GOD has control over everything including my love life. I choose singlehood with GOD over settling for something less than what HE wants for me. I believe there is "the one" that GOD created me for, just as he created Eve for Adam. He put the dream of marriage in my heart for a reason. I have to have enough faith and patience in HIM to see it through, which ironically are 2 of the main traits I need to be a good wife.


Simply Stated, this was a blessing to read. Sister, I am with you all the way.

To all, by the way, being alone is not the worst thing that can happen to a person.



gaylel1 -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (3/2/2008 3:59:42 PM)

It is no such thing as Mr. Right as it is no such thing as a perfect person because we all have flaws and charatristics.

Carry on.....



womanoffire1 -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (3/2/2008 4:35:57 PM)

quote:

It is no such thing as Mr. Right as it is no such thing as a perfect person because we all have flaws and charatristics.

Carry on.....


Flaws and characteristics that make us the "Right" match for another flawed and imperfect individual. But, through God, being made perfect and one. In essence, Mr. Right lives.



gaylel1 -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (3/2/2008 4:51:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: womanoffire1

quote:

It is no such thing as Mr. Right as it is no such thing as a perfect person because we all have flaws and charatristics.

Carry on.....


Flaws and characteristics that make us the "Right" match for another flawed and imperfect individual. But, through God, being made perfect and one. In essence, Mr. Right lives.



True, but you would not be matched with a non-believer even the non-believer have the same flaws and charatristics?



hotsaucygma -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (3/3/2008 11:02:48 AM)

I went back a read the article again, I think because of Joy's comment about which things the reader seemed to "pick up on" influencing their view of the article.

Some of the things that stood out to me were- ... what 40 year old single women are most longing for in life is not a better career, a smaller waistline or a bigger apartment...; despite growing up in an age that siad to delay marriage for "higer" ideals of education, careers etc, what women really want is a "traditional family", a husband and by extension a child.

When she says to "settle" (a poor choice of words, imo), she is saying "don't worry about passion or intense connection. Don't nix a guy based on his annoying habit..." , which I take to mean "Don't hold out for the Fairy-Tale Prince, get real here". And that her observation is that this kind of "settling" will probably make you "happier" in the long run. She says when "women" are "holding out for deep romantic love, we have the fantasy that this level of passionate intensity (fairy tale) will make us happier. But marrying Mr. Good Enough might be an equally viable option, especially if you're looking for a stable, reliable life companion.", and that "once you take the plunge, you'll probably be relatively content". I think she may be right.

I will grant you that the tone of the article is a bit "cold", but it's kind of funny that basically what she is saying is "we were lied to, we do want what our Mother's had- the traditional family"; and she is saying it isn't all about being totally independent with a great job and all that, and she is getting "blasted" here. She even makes some comments about feminism that are not favoriable comments. Interesting.



John_O -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (3/3/2008 11:16:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hotsaucygma
I will grant you that the tone of the article is a bit "cold", but it's kind of funny that basically what she is saying is "we were lied to, we do want what our Mother's had- the traditional family"; and she is saying it isn't all about being totally independent with a great job and all that, and she is getting "blasted" here. She even makes some comments about feminism that are not favoriable comments. Interesting.


I thknk perhaps the 'cold' (maybe even mercenary) tone of the article completely drowned out the rest of it. At least for me.

You all know that I am a big traditional family backer. So on that I agree. She was lied to.

So if I was seen to 'blast' her, it really was more for her attitude than for her conclusion.



rgod -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (3/3/2008 4:19:04 PM)

I pretty much agree with this article. I didn't get that she was so much saying "settle for someone that you don't love" or "compromise on the essentials" but rather to really look at what is essential to you and what isn't. In other words, stop looking for the knight in shining armor (he isn't coming and doesn't exist), or for some sort of "feeling" but instead go with the person who is probably a wonderful man, but might not have all of his hair, might not have a certain type of job, or might "yell bravo at the movie theatre." It eschews hollywood-style romance. I think you can have romance, but maybe it isn't of paramount importance if the rest of the package is there. (I'm not sure how much romance was really in the bible. Most of the marriages were arranged weren't they? If I'm wrong let me know.) Think about the shoe being on the other foot. After all, how many women at 40 look the way they did at 20 or 25? We ask for men to make adjustments in their expectations, why can't we do the same and cut the men some slack?

I was reading an interesting book the other day, about women's midlife crises at age 30 - and about how many women today have decided to downshift earlier to accomodate children and family in their lives. I don't think that any of these women were necessarily Christian, but I do believe that many of the messages are consistent with biblical teaching. The book also talked a lot about cohabitation and how it doesn't work (surprise surprise surprise).

Both the book I read and this article are both secular - but you know what - the truth is the truth and applies to everyone - saved or not. I'm glad to finally see books/articles that tell the truth about marriage, that men are needed and vital, and that relationships and children ARE important - and should not be an afterthought in a person's life.



ladioffaith -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (3/3/2008 4:32:10 PM)

There is a "Will" in my life. He thinks I should SETTLE.

I frequently remind him that I am not a BEGGAR.

These lyrics from a Dolly Parton song say it all:

quote:

I refuse to settle for something less than great.
And if it takes a lifetime, then that's how long I'll wait.
'Cause all I want is everything, is that too much to ask?
Have romance, love and passion; find magic that will last.

And I want someone to think they'll die if they can't be with me.
I want to be their joy, their pride, their dreams,
The very air they breathe.
I want to wake up feelin' loved and go to bed the same.
Yes, I want to be somebody's everything.



John_O -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (3/3/2008 4:54:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rgod
The book also talked a lot about cohabitation and how it doesn't work (surprise surprise surprise).


Great post rgod.

The above quote is wrong though. Cohabitation works great for the guy (assuming he's non-Christian becuase a Christian wouldn't cohabitate anyway). He gets all the advantages of marriage with none of the hassels. When she gets too old he can trade her in on a younger model. If he wants to just up and leave there's no paperwork problems.

Where cohabitation doesn't work is for the woman. She gets stuck with all the costs and NO long term security at all.

Down here in the country there's a rather crass but incredibly accurate way to describe the entire cohabitation/premarital sex issue. "Why buy the cow if you get the milk for free". Every girl should be forced to memorize that statement. Because if the guy just wants sex without marrying you first he is looking at you as no more than a cow. Maybe then the girls will get smart about this whole thing.

Sorry for the rant cohabitation is a pet peeve of mine. (I've got lots of pet peeves with a rant for each one!)



rgod -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (3/3/2008 5:26:56 PM)

John_O - thanks - that is true. Cohabitation does work out well for the guy and not for the woman. Although every once in a while, I do hear of a guy who wants to be married and the woman doesn't. I know someone who is in this boat - she is a Christian, but living in sin in this area. The guy she is living with is a really nice guy - a very good father to her child and his own child, very thoughtful and caring - just an all-around good guy (but unsaved). He is not very ambitious. She doesn't like this about him. But she won't let him go for financial reasons. He stays because he cares about her even though she's rebuffed his offers for marriage several times. It is a bad situation and I really feel badly for the guy (because he is being used and also because he has an inacurate picture of what Christians are like). Even if they did get married, there would be the situation of the uneven yoke. At one time I was close enough to her that I could talk with her about this but not anymore. We haven't spoken in a while ... I do hope that they were able to resolve this.

Cohabitation (or the "Starter Marriage") doesn't work at all. Someone always winds up getting hurt and used.

rgod



ladioffaith -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (3/3/2008 5:27:26 PM)

A cousin of mine used to go on and on about how he firmly believes a couple should live together before marrying so they can see if they can stand living with one another.

Two years later when they divorced, I bit my lip and resisted the urge to say I told them so.



Prairiehiker -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (3/3/2008 7:37:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hotsaucygma


When she says to "settle" (a poor choice of words, imo), she is saying "don't worry about passion or intense connection. Don't nix a guy based on his annoying habit..." , which I take to mean "Don't hold out for the Fairy-Tale Prince, get real here". And that her observation is that this kind of "settling" will probably make you "happier" in the long run. She says when "women" are "holding out for deep romantic love, we have the fantasy that this level of passionate intensity (fairy tale) will make us happier. But marrying Mr. Good Enough might be an equally viable option, especially if you're looking for a stable, reliable life companion.", and that "once you take the plunge, you'll probably be relatively content". I think she may be right..


I believe that part of a good marriage partnership is physical intimacy. I honestly don't know how you'll achieve that or even enjoy the physical pleasure of marriage when you are married to someone you are not attracted to. Granted that he's a respectable, honorable Christian man. I might admire him or esteem him more than anyone for his character, but unless I want to get close to him physically (yes, I mean sex), I don't know how we can have a satisfying marriage. To go into a marriage that is designed to satisfy only one aspect of what God intended marriage to be is definitely my idea of settling. Unless the man makes my heart does a summersault as soon as he enters a room, I probably will remain single.



skreyola -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (3/3/2008 7:46:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WalkingwithHim2

I'm looking for Mr. Right for Me, one who will encourage and nurture me to become the best me possible and let me do the same for him and I will NOT settle for less.

Good for you!



WalkingwithHim2 -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (3/3/2008 7:58:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: womanoffire1

quote:

It is no such thing as Mr. Right as it is no such thing as a perfect person because we all have flaws and charatristics.

Carry on.....


Flaws and characteristics that make us the "Right" match for another flawed and imperfect individual. But, through God, being made perfect and one. In essence, Mr. Right lives.


[sm=thumbsup.gif][sm=thumbsup.gif]



John_O -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (3/3/2008 9:02:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ladioffaith

A cousin of mine used to go on and on about how he firmly believes a couple should live together before marrying so they can see if they can stand living with one another.

Two years later when they divorced, I bit my lip and resisted the urge to say I told them so.


Can't remember the exact stat but couples who cohabitate have a significantly higher rate of divorce if they should marry, than couples who do not cohabitate.

In fact, the less sexual experience a couple has, normally the more stable the marriage

(edited for typos)



hotsaucygma -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (3/4/2008 9:45:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker

I believe that part of a good marriage partnership is physical intimacy. I honestly don't know how you'll achieve that or even enjoy the physical pleasure of marriage when you are married to someone you are not attracted to.


I absolutely agree. I don't think she or anyone here means that you don't need that attraction in a relationship! However I know there has been more than one man in my past that I have been "attracted" to, or that I could be attracted to, that I did not pursue a relationship with for various reasons. I don't think she means 'just pick a man, any man' but is saying don't rule out men (or women for the guys) as easily as you may be inclined to- make "deal breakers" major things, not minor ones.

quote:


Can't remember the exact stat but couples who cohabitate have significantly higher rate of divorce if they should marry, than couples who do not cohabitate.


I have heard/read this too. It is one of those things that always surprises me though- I guess it's one of those examples that God's way is not man's way! You would "think" that living together would give you the chance to see if you can deal with all the "quirks" that you don't know about until you actually live with someone, but I think one view is that the reason it doesn't work is that people still feel if the other person can leave the relationship easily, because they are not legally bound, they stay on their "better behavior" but once they are "committed" they don't. I'm sure there are other theories too, but that is one I've heard. I have never believed in cohabitating, to me if you do you are just saying you are not ready to make a committment, and if you aren't ready to committ to each other, why would you want to live together?!



Dakotasunbeam -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (3/5/2008 7:42:49 PM)

Okay, I read this article. It was OK. But it was fraught with serial references to TV and movies. I couldn't help but think how this author is just a sound bite leaping from the big or small screen. What she's stabbing at in her article is to figure out how to be content in whatever state you are. TV and movies--all of which she references, do not allow you to do that. They romanticize EVERYTHING. Not only that, they put value and worth on certain individuals. There is: The nerd, the stud, the dud, and the bud. But these are all characters, they are evaluating people based on physical and personality characteristics. God values us on something different. But as long as the sum total and value of the individual we are seeking can be quantified in terms of physically or charming characteristics, there will always be a "better version" out there.

This author, I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. This is a lady, that in all of her doing is still not yet content. She vainly thinks that getting married will do that for her. Just as she thought getting artificially inseminated, big career, dating big shots, big house, kids, etc. would complete her life. It hasn't and she's disappointed. This woman has not learned how to be CONTENT. The Bible says godliness with contentment is great gain. That's what she's missing. I venture that the poor dear would not be content even if she married some guy. She'd next write a book called, "What Was I thinking When I Settled for Him?"

Another point she made, that I think is optimal to understanding her article and the vantage point from which she writes is this quote:

quote:

After all, wouldn’t it have been wiser to settle for a higher caliber of “not Mr. Right” while my marital value was at its peak?


Marital Value, now that's a concept. This is really getting down to the heart of the matter. When she was "young and hot" in her mind, she could be a bit more cavalier. Now that she's "old and cold" she's trying for anything she can get. This is in essence putting a value on herself in the same way that she has put a value on the men that she has turned down in the past. She's literally become the victem of her own flawwed thinking. Now, she thinks she's not "worth" as much as she was 10 years ago, and so the best idea is to "just settle." It's like buying discounted pastries. It's on sale now that it doesn't have much shelf life on it. The baker/grocer is just glad to sell it for almost anything he can get.

And yeah, she means, "settle."

Personally, I think women and men do have a TV/Movie reel going in their head--just like this author. You can tell she does, because she quantifies her own worth and the worth of others based on some physical characteristics. In fact, the guy she said she'd gone on a date with seemed to have sever personal problems and yet she was thinking, maybe I'll just settle for him[I'm not worth that much anyway]. **gross**

Settling for me is marrying someone who:

1. Does not meet God's standard of being a christian.
2. Violates God's principles
3. Is disgusting and repugnant to me

Quite frankly, God in His graciousness has taught me contentment. I am greatly content. This makes it possible for me to be content with someone else. I know that with God's help and discernment I will be able to detect godly characteristics. I strive not to put value on one person above another.

I think if we focus on finding the godly spiritual beauty in a person, we will find Mr./Mrs. Right. Finding Mr./Mrs. Right is as much of a choice and choosing to be content.



rocksoul -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (3/5/2008 11:05:23 PM)

I'd rather be alone and happy with myself, than to be in a relationship just to have someone around.

If the guy is not there for me to get to know him as a friend and possibly more, than really, what is he there for? Marrying someone just so you don't have to be alone is really selfish and a waste of time. I see so many girls who just settle for anyone so that they can be in a relationship. It doesn't seem worth it, those are years you can't get back.



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