Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (Full Version)

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900MHZ -> Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 11:43:52 AM)

Or is it really considered "Settling"?

This is a pretty interesting report on NBC's Today show (even a video along with it)

Why it’s OK to settle for Mr. Good Enough

Author Lori Gottlieb on the fading line between compromising and settling

Kind of makes sense though.




mutinywxgirl -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 11:48:44 AM)

This is total secular thinking and in NO way relates to how God works in our lives to bring us together with the person who IS our right mate.

The report is rubbish, IMNSHO.




900MHZ -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 11:52:14 AM)

Well, I have seen it in the Christian community as well, so.....<shrug>




The_Omega_Syndrome -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 12:42:56 PM)

I see what she's getting at. I see her point very clearly. I just wouldn't feel comfortable taking advice from someone who has not had a successful relationship...ever. I'll take relationship advice from people who are married (and have been for a long time).




broyce1981 -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 1:02:01 PM)

Is it bad if my first instinct was to forward this article to all the single women I know in hopes that they would settle for me? I guess it comes down to what is meant by "settling". I certainly wouldn't want a woman to settle for me like Charlotte did with Mr. Collins in Pride and Prejudice. That would be [:'(]. But if it's in the sense that they are settling by not waiting for someone to sweep them off their feet but can still recognize my good qualities and accept me as a resul, then it's fine. I know I'm not the super romantic type, so anyone waiting for a fairytale romance may be disapointed by me I guess.




900MHZ -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 1:02:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: The_Omega_Syndrome

I see what she's getting at. I see her point very clearly. I just wouldn't feel comfortable taking advice from someone who has not had a successful relationship...ever. I'll take relationship advice from people who are married (and have been for a long time).


Makes sense...though, I had married people tell me, "Sorry, can't help you...I've been out of the loop for sometime now" lol

Of course, there's always Dr. Phil, right ? LOL (Married X amt of times)

Thing is, alot of women put emphasis on "Chemistry" or that "Pizang!" when they meet someone...the "Wow" factor" Which is simply unrealistic.




John_O -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 1:14:00 PM)

She sounds like a tired old shrew. She doesn't want a husband, she wants a live in nanny with a good income.

I'm a huge believer that if a woman wants to be married at any time during her life she should seek that first. (After Christ of course) . Far too many women sacrifice family on the altar of career planning tohave a family later and then never get the chance. Sad as it may be, the feminist saying that you can have it all is a lie for most people

Now as to settling. Why should someone marry someone else just for convenience as she sems to propose. Tha's not settling, that prostituting yourself.




WalkingwithHim2 -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 1:30:17 PM)

That is just nuts op! Why would I settle for something less than what the Good LORD has set apart for me!?




WaitingforBoaz -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 1:42:47 PM)

Secular thinking has nothing to do with Christianity.

BTW: I don't see any damsels-in-distress on this site. What I see are Confident, Strong, Self assured women of God Who want to live for Him and want His best, even if it means waiting for it.




Tinkerbell_ -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 1:44:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cherishhim

Secular thinking has nothing to do with Christianity.

BTW: I don't see any damsels-in-distress on this site. What I see are Confident, Strong, Self assured women of God Who want to live for Him and want His best, even if it means waiting for it.

SOCCOL!!!! Amen!!!!!




benelchi -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 1:59:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mutinywxgirl

This is total secular thinking and in NO way relates to how God works in our lives to bring us together with the person who IS our right mate.

The report is rubbish, IMNSHO.



Although I agree that this report is rubbish, and doesn't reflect God's perspective on relationships, there really is an aspect to "settling" that is biblical. Since no one other than Jesus is perfect, every choice requires us to "settle" for some imperfections. The question really is about which aspects we have decided are nonnegotiable, and which are ones for which we have decided that there is room for compromise. A biblical perspective will see as nonnegotiable those aspects of character that reflect the values God has given in his word. However, too often in Christian circles, "settling" means compromising Godly standards often to gain a spouse that offers things that have no eternal value i.e. physical beauty, money, status, etc... When "settling" means compromising in areas that God's word tell us are nonnegotiable, then doing so is in itself sinful.




joy2give2u -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 3:06:51 PM)

Did everyone read the same article as I did? I don't think it was rubbish. I found it interesting someone, of a very secular mindset, would finally realize what I believe Christians should already know.......that marriage is not about finding Mr. Right but settling on someone who has the qualities you are seeking and allowing God to mold and shape both of you through the relationship into Mr and Mrs. Right.

I believe she made excellent points alluding to what I would call the Cinderella syndrome which is not limited to the secular world.......I know many Christian women who are seeking a fairly tale being disappointed over and over when prince charming turns out to be nothing more then a character created in their imagination.

quote:

However, too often in Christian circles, "settling" means compromising Godly standards often to gain a spouse that offers things that have no eternal value i.e. physical beauty, money, status, etc... When "settling" means compromising in areas that God's word tell us are nonnegotiable, then doing so is in itself sinful.
This was the main jest I got out of the article.........In the secular world settling is when we are willing to compromise things such as looks, money, statue etc for character traits which in a way are very biblical (even if the person doesn't realize it) such as being a good husband, providing for the family, being active in raising the children. As Christians, the things which are most important to us, often seem like settling in the secular world.

The whole article was basically saying those things we, as Christians, seek in a mate are worthy of settling on for they lead to a happier marriage.

A few examples of a secular woman seeing things from a more Godly view...

quote:

we’re women who want a traditional family.

When we’re holding out for deep romantic love, we have the fantasy that this level of passionate intensity will make us happier. But marrying Mr. Good Enough might be an equally viable option, especially if you’re looking for a stable, reliable life companion.

Marriage isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business. And I mean this in a good way

realize that marriage ultimately isn’t about cosmic connection — it’s about how having a teammate,

he’s a decent guy who takes out the trash and sets up the baby gear, and he provides a second income that allows you to spend time with your child instead of working 60 hours a week to support a family on your own — how much does it matter whether the guy you marry is The One?

What I long for in a marriage is that sense of having a partner in crime. Someone who knows your day-to-day trivia. Someone who both calls you on your ******* and puts up with your quirks.


quote:

She sounds like a tired old shrew
I disagree .........I think she sounds like a women who is realizing the secular mindset of the feminist might have robbed her of those things which, as a woman, she was created to desire.




John_O -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 3:26:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: joy2give2u

quote:

She sounds like a tired old shrew
I disagree .........I think she sounds like a women who is realizing the secular mindset of the feminist might have robbed her of those things which, as a woman, she was created to desire.


I'll stand corrected. That was somewhat harsh of me. But I still get the impression that she's not looking to be a wife she just wants a husband. (KWIM?)




joy2give2u -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 3:52:21 PM)

quote:

I still get the impression that she's not looking to be a wife she just wants a husband. (KWIM?)
Interesting statement..........




trainfan -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 4:20:44 PM)

quote:

But I still get the impression that she's not looking to be a wife she just wants a husband. (KWIM?)


I got that impression too.




hotsaucygma -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 4:21:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: joy2give2u

quote:

I still get the impression that she's not looking to be a wife she just wants a husband. (KWIM?)
Interesting statement..........


Yes, interesting statement... hum. Expand on that please John O.

Actually, I think what she was trying to say is that so many women have had relationships with, or overlooked having relationships with, guys that would have been good husbands for them but they were always "looking for something more". Looking for that "fairytale" Prince Charming. When it comes right down to it girls, the "prince" isn't all he's cracked up to be - the suit of armour is a pain to try to clean, and that darn horse leaves stuff you step in all too often all over the place! Not to mention that "he", the perfect prince charming, really doesn't exist (nor, probably, does the "perfect" woman, although there may be a better chance that she does... just kidding folks, don't get all excited on me now...) Actually Joy is right, imo, marriage is taking two imperfect people and if you do it right, letting God mold you into Mr. and Mrs. Right-for-each-other.

That does not mean to compromise on Character Qualities, as Christians we need to focus on becoming more like Christ every day. If we do that, and our spouse does that, I think we'd find we would be in happy marriages. I guess I truly do believe that if you both want to, you can build a great life together, and "fall in love" with each other, because you want to. What is that song in Fiddler on the Roof? He sings "Do you love me?" and she answers "For 25 years I've lived with you, etc, etc, ... if that's not love, what is?"

The Apostle Paul said he had learned to be "content" in all things. I think we can learn to be "content", happy, in love, and have a great life despite the fact that we didn't find "THE ONE ", which I personally am not sure is even a valid concept.




joy2give2u -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 4:21:53 PM)

quote:

But I still get the impression that she's not looking to be a wife she just wants a husband. (KWIM?)

Since two men felt this way would you mind explaining it in more detail for me........what do you mean she is not looking to be a wife but wants a husband?




joy2give2u -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 4:29:59 PM)

Great post hsgma........humor with truth........love it..........especially this line.......

Wait let me quote it so I get it right.......

quote:

Actually Joy is right
LOLOLOL.......just kidding....[:D][:D]

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here is the quote I wanted to highlight....

quote:

The Apostle Paul said he had learned to be "content" in all things. I think we can learn to be "content", happy, in love, and have a great life despite the fact that we didn't find "THE ONE , which I personally am not sure is even a valid concept.




hotsaucygma -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 4:32:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: joy2give2u

Great post hsgma........humor with truth........love it..........especially this line.......

Wait let me quote it so I get it right.......

quote:

Actually Joy is right
LOLOLOL.......just kidding....[:D][:D]



Did I actually say that???!! [sm=icon_smile_faint.gif]

Hummm, I wonder if she also knows her PM box is full...




benelchi -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 4:44:16 PM)

Although there were some points in this article that came a little bit close to Christian values, I stand strongly in agreement that on the whole the article was rubbish.

Here is a conclusion the author of this article made:

"They, like me, would rather feel alone in a marriage than actually be alone, because they, like me, realize that marriage ultimately isn’t about cosmic connection — it’s about how having a teammate, even if he’s not the love of your life, is better than not having one at all."

To me, that is clearly "settling" for something far less than God desires for us. Marriage is not simple about not being alone, but about choosing to love and serve our spouse. Those who marry someone who is not the love of their life, simply to avoid being alone, are acting selfishly; they are looking out only for their own interests, and not the interests of the person they are marrying. A marriage the reflects Godly standards is one that put the needs of our spouse above our own desires; making the choice to make sure that our spouse is always the love of our life, even at the times where that is difficult to do.

quote:

Did everyone read the same article as I did? I don't think it was rubbish. I found it interesting someone, of a very secular mindset, would finally realize what I believe Christians should already know.......that marriage is not about finding Mr. Right but settling on someone who has the qualities you are seeking and allowing God to mold and shape both of you through the relationship into Mr and Mrs. Right.

I believe she made excellent points alluding to what I would call the Cinderella syndrome which is not limited to the secular world.......I know many Christian women who are seeking a fairly tale being disappointed over and over when prince charming turns out to be nothing more then a character created in their imagination.

quote:

However, too often in Christian circles, "settling" means compromising Godly standards often to gain a spouse that offers things that have no eternal value i.e. physical beauty, money, status, etc... When "settling" means compromising in areas that God's word tell us are nonnegotiable, then doing so is in itself sinful.

This was the main jest I got out of the article.........In the secular world settling is when we are willing to compromise things such as looks, money, statue etc for character traits which in a way are very biblical (even if the person doesn't realize it) such as being a good husband, providing for the family, being active in raising the children. As Christians, the things which are most important to us, often seem like settling in the secular world.

The whole article was basically saying those things we, as Christians, seek in a mate are worthy of settling on for they lead to a happier marriage.




benelchi -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 4:52:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: joy2give2u

quote:

But I still get the impression that she's not looking to be a wife she just wants a husband. (KWIM?)

Since two men felt this way would you mind explaining it in more detail for me........what do you mean she is not looking to be a wife but wants a husband?



She is advocating marriage simply to avoid being alone, not because she has or wants to offer anything to a potential husband. Her goal is simple being married in order to avoid being alone, to whom doesn't seem to matter.

I wonder if she would be happy if she married a guy who approached marriage in the same way i.e. one who didn't care about or cherish her, but simply married her to avoid being alone.




Elena1030 -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 4:52:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: benelchi

Although there were some points in this article that came a little bit close to Christian values, I stand strongly in agreement that on the whole the article was rubbish.

Here is a conclusion the author of this article made:

"They, like me, would rather feel alone in a marriage than actually be alone, because they, like me, realize that marriage ultimately isn’t about cosmic connection — it’s about how having a teammate, even if he’s not the love of your life, is better than not having one at all."

To me, that is clearly "settling" for something far less than God desires for us. Marriage is not simple about not being alone, but about choosing to love and serve our spouse. Those who marry someone who is not the love of their life, simply to avoid being alone, are acting selfishly; they are looking out only for their own interests, and not the interests of the person they are marrying. A marriage the reflects Godly standards is one that put the needs of our spouse above our own desires; making the choice to make sure that our spouse is always the love of our life, even at the times where that is difficult to do.


[sm=thumbsup.gif][sm=thumbsup.gif][sm=thumbsup.gif][sm=thumbsup.gif]

Ding, ding, DING! You hit it right smack-dab on the nail and set a bell to ringin', benelchi! Amen!!!!!!







Folks, instead of getting in an uproar about what a non-Christian said (and... really, are we to be THAT surprised??),
why not Google the topic and find out what Christians are saying.


Even better...... dig into the Scriptures to build the description of what God wants the quality of the essence of each marriage to be. (The picture God has of marriage, is to be found by bringing together a number of Scriptures----->to find out what the counsel of the whole Word of God is.)




hotsaucygma -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 4:59:37 PM)

To a degree I agree benelchi, in fact the Quote you put at the top is the part of the article that I would object to the most - because I would disagree that it is ever better to "feel alone in a marriage than to actually be alone". I have been there and it is not better - the lonliest I have ever been is in my marriage. I would not recommend it to anyone! Yes, marriage is much more than just "not being alone". However, there is something to be said for the idea that someone having to be "the love of your life" before you have a relationship with them is a bit "crazy" too. I am not saying there shouldn't be feelings above and beyond what you feel for the neighbor down the street!! Yes, love is important, respect, caring, etc. all that is important, marriage isn't easy and if you don't have love for each other it will be that much harder, but the "stars in the eyes" fall out pretty darn quickly when the horse manure starts hitting the carpet... it takes much more than "in love" to sustain the relationship.

This woman was writing from a secular prespective, of course I would expect us as Christians to have a higher standard, but she wasn't totally off base, imo.




trainfan -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 5:08:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: joy2give2u

quote:

But I still get the impression that she's not looking to be a wife she just wants a husband. (KWIM?)

Since two men felt this way would you mind explaining it in more detail for me........what do you mean she is not looking to be a wife but wants a husband?


To me she came off as the type of person that if you were married to her she would be more concerned with her own happiness. As in "I'm more concerned with my happiness than our happiness". It is kind of hard to put in to words.

Women like this occasionally come into my store and they act like it is a chore for them to be here waiting while their husbands look at something. Instead of showing at least a passive interest in what their husband is interested in they look like they're thinking "this is so lame, I can't believe he is interested in this". Then they start with comments like "we are leaving now!" "What are you looking at that for?" "Lets get out of here and go to the mall". "When are you gonna grow up? Or my personal favorite "You're not putting that in my house." Note not our house, my house with emphasis on my.

Another example is a couple I knew. The husband got very sick right before a holiday when they were supposed to go visit her relatives 750 miles away. Even though he was sick that was too bad they had to go anyway b/c it was her family. He ended up driving there and spending the 3 or 4 days they were there sick in bed while she went out and did things with her family. She put her happiness in front of her husbands happiness and in this case welfare.

That is how the woman in the article came across to me.

Basically she seems like the type of person who would rather receive (or demand) rather than give.




saraimay75 -> RE: Settling for Mr "Good Enough" and not Mr Right (2/28/2008 5:14:33 PM)

I am assumimg this applies to woman also. I do not want to be the one a man settles for. It is unsettling.




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