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Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/2/2008 1:06:48 AM
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swagedsoul
Posts: 28
Joined: 9/27/2006
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I asked my wife this today...she responded by telling me that she "doesn't have the time" to talk about it...
Not, no...not yes...not even maybe....but then...I am getting ahead of myself.
I could write a book describing our problems...and even though my wife would be quick to tell me I am wrong...I do understand her perspective in all of this...I just don't necessarily agree with it.
Despite that...I have done everything within my power to soothe her anger, cool her fiery lashes at my sons and I...
Among her demands was that we seek Christian counseling...and so I did. After our first session...DW told me that she "didn't like" what the counselor had to say on "this and that"...but that we would continue to see her and "we will see"....
The counselor wanted my to bring our 17 and 16 year old sons along the second time, because by the time the second appointment came around...DW did not want to go...she said she was ready to leave and was planning to do so. (this is nearly a month later since DW went on vacation alone to see her family for Christmas for 2 weeks between appointments). I asked her to go to one more session with me...and when I talked to the counselor...she really insisted that I bring the boys along....so I did.
DW reluctantly agreed to go...though I am not sure why since she sat through the entire session tight-lipped and staring at the opposite wall.
At the end of the session the counselor asked DW if she wished to continue the sessions. DW told her no...she saw no need. The counselor then asked what she planned to do...IF she planned on divorcing me...and she told the counselor that yes...she wanted to divorce me.
That was about 2 months ago...and now she is here...but not here.
Understand...we have had an on and off physical relationship since this happened...with her sometimes complaining that it was happening all too infrequent...but still...once a week or so she "get's bent" and tells me that she doesn't think we should "touch, kiss...or act like a married couple" until we can get back into counseling....
To say that I am confused would be an understatement.
Because of a decision that we made mutually 10 months ago...I am now in a position that earns less money than she does. For many years, I was the sole breadwinner, but she was unhappy staying home and so decided of her own accord to start working part time. So since she was not to be dissuaded, I encouraged her to move to a more stable part time employment...which she did...but after almost a year there...she was again discontented.
So I encouraged her to try out driving a School bus...she got a position...and quickly came to enjoy her job and is now working on her second school year.
So we made a decision...and now I work closer to home...fewer hours a day/week...and I make a third of what I used to. This I did...to try and save my family...and things seem only to have gotten worse.
Despite the fact that I earn less...and because of the fact that DW has horrible money management issues...I make sure the bill are all paid...but without the benefit of her income.
I pay all of the bills...AND supplement her grocery and feed budget (she has horses)...because she is usually broke within three to four days of getting paid...and she usually hasn't purchased enough of either to cover the two weeks until she gets paid again.
FYI- we have separate, but joint accounts as an attempt to get a handle on the NSF's she was repeatedly causing. Though...this is not something I prefer. She refuses to be held accountable to me on basically any issue...including money. In fact...she once told me that her money issues were my fault because I couldn't fix them...
Yeah...that one confuses me too.
My point in all of this is that I am totally strapped financially. I pay for ALL of the bills...and basically half of her responsibilities as well. All she is expected to pay for is feed for her animals (about $350 a month) gas for her vehicle...and groceries. This was my attempt at subtly holding her accountable for something...but it really hasn't worked.
So...back to the counseling thing. She told me that she is not going to bring it up again...that she would just wait for me to get us back into counseling. When I told her that I could not afford it...she blew me off and just repeated her statement in a quite condescending way.
So...fast forward to today...she refused to go to a family birthday party with my son and I...which is not uncommon. She has avoided family events for my side of the family for years...and before that she complained incessantly about them. So we got into a discussion before I left and I asked her point blank if she still intended to divorce me....and you know her response already...
"I don't have time to discuss it"...
I don't think I can continue to live like this...
I love my wife...but she hates my kids...and has started to blame them and me for every lost dream...every real and perceived sacrifice she has ever had to make for the family...
I explained that that is what you do when you love...and she told me she agreed...BUT that if she had known that it would end up like this...she would never have made those sacrifices.
She now regrets coming back to me in 1999 when she left for a month for some imagined insult...she called coming back a stupid mistake. (I had a female friend that she disapproved of...after much disagreeing...I relented and cut off my friendship (and it was NOT romantic...we were simply friends...and she lived 90 miles away...so it's not like we saw each other...we just chatted online...in plain sight)...and yet DW decided to leave me because she was convinced that I was lying about ending our friendship. (I was not...I have not spoken to this woman to this day)
We will have been married for 15 years the 19th of this month....
15 years....wasted according to her.
We are closer than ever to divorce...and I don't know what to do...
Thoughts? Prayers (please)....
< Message edited by swagedsoul -- 3/2/2008 1:15:28 AM >
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/2/2008 9:01:56 AM
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Szaftoo
Posts: 795
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: So. Calif.
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I wouldn't divorce, however, I also wouldn't subject my kids to that kind of behavior. You want them growing up seeing what a healthy relationship looks like. I will pray for you and your family and God bless you.
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/2/2008 11:13:02 AM
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mrtigger
Posts: 321
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quote:
ORIGINAL: swagedsoul
We are closer than ever to divorce...and I don't know what to do...
Thoughts? Prayers (please)....
Pray.
Get your legal ducks in a row... Some divorce attorneys will give you a free initial consult.
I probably will be zinged for the above comment but your wife is got one foot out the door already. You should take some steps to be prepared in case she does wind up filing.
I will pray for your situation.
_____________________________
mr tigger
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/2/2008 11:31:29 AM
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tfkeel
Posts: 48
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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quote:
...BUT that if she had known that it would end up like this...she would never have made those sacrifices.
This is a common symptom of what is known as "mid-life-crisis". It is a time when we reevaluate our situations and make some mid-course corrections about things which have gone undone in our lives.
I agree that you don't want your kids subjected to this any more than they have to be. There is a good
christian forum at http://fortysixty.invisionzone.com which deals with the subject of mid-life-crisis and has many people there who have similar experiences to yours.
My advice would be to get your income back up as quickly as you can, and maintain the separation of your finances. Refuse to support her. Don't pay her bills. Support only yourself and your children. Get a lawyer and protect yourself financially from her irresponsibility and let God deal with her about paying her own bills. Let her get to the "pig trough".... the experience of the prodigal son is a very accurate picture of a man in mid-life-crisis.
Refuse to "fix" any of her problems. Let her face the music ALONE.
If she wants to separate, my advice is to say "good riddance".... after all, who needs a wife like this? You are much better off without her.
< Message edited by tfkeel -- 3/2/2008 11:38:27 AM >
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/2/2008 12:50:21 PM
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volleybounce
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Hi swagedsoul! Well, I'm just going to offer a different perspective. While it does seem your wife has some habbits/behavior that is unhealthy and not very conducive to a thriving marriage there may be more to the story. Maybe she has some needs that aren't being met. Maybe you've tried but perhaps you aren't really as clear as you think you are on what her needs truly are. Maybe something is missing that would draw her closer to you. It can seem like hard work or silly even but it would really pay off big, I'm guessing, if you could figure out what it is. Over the years, she may have even lost sight of what it is herself but if she knew you wanted to find out she might take the time to recollect. I do agree though, you should stop paying for the feed for the animals. Also, I do indeed agree with the poster who said you should try to get your income back up as soon as possible. Whether or not you and your wife stay together, having a lower income leaves you and your sons vunerable. Once you get your income back up you might have a different perspective on the rest of the budget but I don't think it's too much to ask to have her pay for the feed. It would be a good starting point for you to set up a healthy boundry without hurting your sons, yourself or her. She won't like it one bit but you should really decide to stick to your guns on this one. Then you can chip away at your healthy boundaries a little at a time.
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/2/2008 4:52:46 PM
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TMeeks
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Notice how her happiness is always one more change away? Yet, when that change is made she remains unhappy.
That is because of the way she thinks.
And, it's important for her to know that as long as she keeps thinking this way all she will do is keep messing up her life with no hope of any real happiness. It would matter who she married or how much money she had. Then end would be the same. Discontent.
And, that is bacause she is not addressing the real problems behind her discontent... which is the way she learned to think her whole life. Her thinking is fear based and toxic.
What she needs to realize is that there is another way to think. Faith based and healing.
Yes, I KNOW people are going to get tired of hearing this... but, I'm going to recommend you buy $15 worth of hope in the form of a book that will teach both of you how to RENEW your minds in Christ. I can't think of a better investment in a situation like you and she are in.
Shes just as miserable as you are and you can make a difference in her life by bringing her the real solution to her discomfort and discontentment... a RENEWED mind in Jesus Christ.
_____________________________
Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/2/2008 6:37:49 PM
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Sadey
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Can you get your old job back? I'm not saying you should leave or kick her out but you do need to get alll your ducks in a row.
Since this woman is not your boys mother, I'm convinced that your first responsiblity is to your boys, not to her, especially if her attitutde is hurting your sons.
You may have to draw a line in the sand. Does your church offer free counseling? You and the boys could go even if she won't. If fact it might be better if you don't let her go for now.
It sure sounds like she is calling all the shots and as long as that goes one she won't change, she doesn't have to because there don't seem to be an consequences?
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/2/2008 8:13:41 PM
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rbeccatexas
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It sounds to me like there are some major boundary issues here. I've been reading a book called "Boundaries In Marriage" by CloudTownsend. This might help you. Also two others called "Love Busters" and "His Needs Her Needs" both by Willard Harley Jr.
I also agree with TMeeks. Your wife has issues of her own that she needs to deal with. You might want to try a structured separation. Sometimes this can give both parties a chance to work on themselves with the intent of reconciling.
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/4/2008 12:02:41 AM
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swagedsoul
Posts: 28
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I was looking last night at the "Boundaries" books...I used to listen to the New Life radio program quite a bit... :)
Sadey...I know...I am basically an enabler...but she refuses to be held accountable to me...or by me. As far as the church offering counseling...our Pastor was the one to refer us to the counselor we went to...the church doesn't have the available resources to offer counseling...
They used to have a program to help pay for outside counseling...but times are tough... *shrug* :(
As far as getting the old job back...I may be able to...but it was a long commute and even longer workdays...plus one of the other mitigating factors for me leaving that job after 11 years was the new boss's desire to move me to a 14 hour shift at night...so that would likely be the position I would have to take...and I cannot be away from the house when she and the boys are here...ANY time I am...there is some sort of MAJOR conflict that I am expected to mediate from wherever I may be...work, visiting a friend...in the bathroom (I kid you not).
If I am not able to correct the problem from where I am...the problem gets worse and has even resulted in her initiating a physical confrontation with whichever of my sons she is having the problem with. (not discipline) THEN she expects me to punish the boy if she gets hurt while trying to be (borderline) abusive to him.
I have witnessed some parts of these confrontations and have had at times to forcefully ORDER her to back off.(of course...then she gives me the cold shoulder for 2-3 days...and brings it up frequently until we end up arguing about it)...and the boys are loathe to be home with her alone because of it. My oldest will turn 18 Thursday and he just wants to move out to get away from it all...and she couldn't be happier about it...and she has stated as much in what I would refer to as her "wicked witch of the west" tone. She has been VERY nasty about it...and wants me to assure her that he won't be able to come home...unless it's on her terms.
Let me offer an example: DW asked DS18 to feed one of the dogs. We feed her in his room because she tends to be a bit testy with the other dogs about food...she is gettinng old. ;) I wasn't home. He went into his bedroom to look for her food dish...and because he couldn't find it IMMEDIATELY...she unplugged his light. He commented (probably in a typical and unacceptable teenage, smart-alec way I'm sure) that he won't be able to find it in the dark...she had left the room and went back to the kitchen so he plugged the light back in and resumed looking. She marches into his room yelling at him...snatches his power strip (which he purchased himself) and goes to leave with it. He instinctively tries to grab it while explaining (again...probably not in a properly respectful manner) that he needs the light and that the powerstrip is his. A tug of war briefly ensues and then he gives up...figuring it better to wait until I get home.
I am home within 5 minutes...but I have already had phone conversations with both of them. I proceed to have a long discussion with my son about the proper way to respond to her (admittedly immature) actions.
When she goes to bed (she gets up much earlier than I do...so she goes to bed 2-3 hours before I do) she shows me a red mark and indention on her arm and informs me (she did not mention anything about it all evening) that it was caused when they struggled over the powerstrip...and that he better be careful or she's going to call the cops on him.
Now...I am no medical doctor...but first off...HOW is it that there would still be an indention in her arm (picture leaning your arm on the edge of your desk, typing a long-winded post like this one on Crosswalk...and your arms have indentions in them from he edge of the desk) several hours later?
And secondly...why was she taking the stupid cord in the first place? I mean...SHE told him to look for the dish...and then cuts off the light in his room almost immediately....I mean...c'mon...
I have been letting the oldest (who heretofore she has had the most problems with) stay a lot at his friends house just down the road...between him being there and at work...they have had little chance to even see one another...but now she is having the same types of issues with my youngest (16 yo) son...who she has gotten along with pretty well in the past. *sigh*
Believe me...we all walk on eggshells around here...she is so volatile and there is no way to predict what her mood/attitude will be from one moment to the next.
I have considered moving out myself...because there is NO way she could leave with all of the animals she has...but then I cannot afford rent and a mortgage...and I have no confidence in her ability to keep the bills paid so we don't lose our home and property...which at present course I will have paid off in about 5 years...so we have a lot of equity in the property.
She still has not answered my question...seems to be avoiding the subject.
I love my wife...but things have been so screwed up...for so long....I don't know if it can ever be fixed...if trust can ever be restored (due to the emotional abuse that I feel the boys and I have been subjected to...that alone is a MAJOR obstacle that may never be straightened out).
I know that it is highly unlikely that she and my sons will ever have a trusting, loving relationship...and I know that my relationship with the boys has been seriously strained because of years of backing her wacked out sense of discipline (actually demanding punishment far exceeding the crime...IMHO)...thinking I was doing the right thing...backing her up because she was my wife...
So you see volleybounce...I do believe that she has needs that are being unmet...but at least one of them is for me to unconditionally back her disciplines and punishments with the kids...and I just can't do that anymore...because I don't feel she maintains the proper perspective during these times and lets her emotions dictate the punishment. In fact...she lists this as the number one reason that she is considering divorce.
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/4/2008 5:55:44 AM
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Biblefreak
Posts: 610
Joined: 8/10/2006
From: the spirit of God
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I have said before and say now it's been a growing trend in the world that when we hit a bumb we run. People need to fast and seek God with all their heart, mind, & soul's for his direction. Not a knee jerk one.
_____________________________
"I'm blessed, I must confess
My heart is pounding in my chest
Cause this love's the best
I'm just a love addict"
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/9/2008 1:50:52 PM
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swagedsoul
Posts: 28
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Here's the latest.
I noticed this morning that she was gathering her purse, phone and keys as if to leave the house...so very nicely I asked her; "Heading out?".
She very glibly replied; "Yep!".
Trying very hard to remain nice, I (again in a nice tone) asked her why she needed to answer that way...to which she testily replied that (starting yesterday) she doesn't ask me where I'm going (to the store and to take my son to work)...so why was I asking her. Of course...I didn't ask her where she was going...just if she was "heading out".
She was clearly agitated and despite that, I decided that since we had had little time since I asked her about the divorce, that there were some things we needed to discuss. She told me again that she "didn't have time" as she looked at her watch...but I told her it wouldn't take long at all.
I asked what her intention were regarding "us". Right away she started in griping about "if the boys aren't going to do this or that...I don't want any part of your lives" type of stuff. I (still being nice) clarified that I wanted to know what her "plans" for our future (from her perspective) were. She stated she didn't have any plans...THEN a few minutes later told me that she plans on staying right here...sleeping in my bed...and having nothing to do with me or the boys.
So I said..."OK...but then we need to discuss some things about that."
She said: "Like what?" with a rather impatient tone.
I said; "Like the fact that I pay all of the bills around here and cannot continue to do so...AND to then have to cover your shortfalls too."
She said she was going to start giving me $400 a month. I informed her that the bills were 4 times that amount...plus groceries, gas and incidentals.
She said "You're not getting half of my paycheck!"
To that..I have to laugh. My entire adult life has been spent working so that 100% of my paycheck (and sometimes more thanks to credit) is spent for the family...and this is the second woman in my life that has told me those EXACT words...
I told her that if she expects half in the inevitable divorce (and I pointed out that she told me this before as well...that she wanted half and that she was going to divorce me)...AND if she was choosing to live here and not actually be a part of my family...then she should be willing to PAY half.
She told me that since there are three of us...and only one of her...she should only have to pay 1/4.
I explained to her at one point that because I keep having to cover her shortfalls, that it was going to become very difficult to cover the mortgage and other bills...
She said... "Oh, well." THEN had the AUDACITY to tell me that "If you can't pay the mortgage...maybe you and the boys should move out and I'll pay it myself." 
As if that would happen. This woman has defaulted on EVERY single payment plan she has ever entered into...less the ones that I take care of. Credit cards? Default. Cable? Turned off every 3 months or so...then she begs me to pay the bill and the reconnect fee...(I could care less if we have cable).
We would undoubtedly lose everything...and frankly...I don't think so! I have spent countless hours building a garden, building fences for her horses etc...and she has spent most of that time...either sleeping, watching TV or surfing the net.
Since I pointed out to her that she told the counselor that she was going to divorce me and when pressed (by the counselor) as to her plans...she told her that she was going to move back to Pa to her dads. So again...I asked if that was her plan and she told me that she doesn't have a "plan" per se...and then told me that I need to decide....that I can't have it both ways...which greatly confused me...because we were talking about her plans...or not plans...or something..... 
So...after almost 15 years of marriage...this is how it comes down...
She sleeps in my bed, but we are not to touch or be man and wife...she lives in my house...but will not cook, clean or wash clothes...she expects us to accommodate her wishes...but won't have anything to do with us.
This is not gonna last long with me. Sorry. She needs to make a decision.
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/9/2008 2:02:21 PM
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bluestone
Posts: 2934
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From: United States of America
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lawyer up. quickly.
_____________________________
I need Christ. Not something that resembles Christ.
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/9/2008 6:58:56 PM
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evryknee
Posts: 297
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I'm sorry for your pain & frustrations. If you are members of the church - perhaps speaking to the pastor about church discipline / restoration as mentioned in Scripture may help bring her back -
If possible, having you meet individually with the Pastor, a men's group, etc. may help you in this mess. Is this a step-family situation that she is saying "Your boys?" I agree with some others in separating your finances.
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/9/2008 7:22:04 PM
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fist.sensei
Posts: 126
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I was in an unsimilar situation with a similar woman.
In my situation she told me to 1. move out, or 2. she would move out. I did not want the seperation, as I believe our situation did not warrant it and I thought it would only widen the gap in our relationship.
After I moved out (I chose this path for many reasons) she never came up with a plan. I asked her repeatedly 1. how we were going to work on our relationship, and 2. when or at what point we would be moving back in together.
It was the same story as you have, she didn't know what she wanted, she did blame everything on what I did or didn't do. She did not have a problem with my financial help.
Without going into details, the issue was resolved when she decided that she did not want to be married anymore. This was after I told her that she needed to come up with a plan, or I wanted a legal seperation... not as a preceeder to a divorce, but to protect myself legally and financially.
So if someone is flip-flopping all over the place, and taking advantage of you financially... the best way to find out where their heart lies is to set boundaries and stay firm with them.
I would certainly start corresponding with a lawyer to protect yourself legally, and take note that if your state requires you to be separated for 12 months before a divorce that it does not start while you coreside at the same address as the defendant.
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/10/2008 7:47:07 PM
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mrtigger
Posts: 321
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quote:
ORIGINAL: swagedsoul
I told her that if she expects half in the inevitable divorce (and I pointed out that she told me this before as well...that she wanted half and that she was going to divorce me)...AND if she was choosing to live here and not actually be a part of my family...then she should be willing to PAY half.
If the house & accounts are marital property, she will almost certainly get half of them regardless of what she has or hasn't contributed. She'll probably will get alimony too.
I'm not saying that's right or not, just that it is. But I'm not a lawyer -- go talk to one to find out what you can do to protect yourself.
_____________________________
mr tigger
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/11/2008 8:52:17 AM
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hnt
Posts: 539
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I do think you need to protect yourself as well. Please seek out free consulations on lawyers to see how you can protect yourself and your children. She isn't acting rationally.
I'm not so sure about the alimony mrtrigger - she is making more money than he is.
What she doesn't realize 1/2 the money may be his, but 1/2 the bills will also be hers!
I think I would give my children permission to call the police when you are not there if she decides getting physical with them is the answer to anything. S18 is also at the age where his hormones may get ahead of his common sense - and don't take that the wrong way girls are the same way!  Its call TEEN years esplly when times are stressful and very confusing. Not every child is the same, but if he feels she is going to try to hurt him he needs permission to protect himself. You have to wonder if a visit from the police may cool her jets a bit.
Please contact your pastor, and any support system you have. Don't keep quiet about this - that time is over. You need to think of the children first and foremost. They have to be scared, and she isn't being rational at all. She is overstepping her boundaries with everyone. WHen she sees what she will be responsible for if she gets handed legal separation papers she may double think her selfish motives.
My prayers are with you. It must be a very confusing and hurtul time for you and all involved.
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/11/2008 4:10:09 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1863
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The best news for you at this point seems to be 1. God will never leave you nor forsake you...and 2. Your spouse may think she is smarter than a lawyer but she isn't...just because she suggests something it most certainly does not mean a Judge will order it.
Ante up and get yourself a good lawyer asap and don't discuss another word with her without one.
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/11/2008 5:04:26 PM
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Memaw.
Posts: 2296
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From: Sunflower State
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Do you think she may be having an affair?
Just thinking that may be why she "doesn't have time".
_____________________________
<-- Squirt
A government big enough to give you everything you want,
is strong enough to take everything you have.
....Thomas Jefferson
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/12/2008 7:22:33 AM
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swagedsoul
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Memaw, that thought crossed my mind this morning...which is why I am up and on here so early. She has left for work already (she drives school bus) and when I got up to use the restroom...there was a strong odor of her favorite perfume..the one she would only wear if we were going out someplace nice.
SO I slipped my gym shorts on and walked out to where she was feeding her horses under the pretext of checking the one dogs tie out...but her hair was a mess and she was in everyday clothes. *shrugs* That dog was one of the contributing factors in that sudden thought too. Yesterday, the dog busted loose and scared the bejeesus out of one of her friends that was riding down our road training someone elses horse. Fortunately, I was going in later yesterday ad I was here to recover the dog and make sure she was secured.
When I called DW to let her know what had happened and to ask her to bring some hardware home to fix the tie out, she was very evasive...and was rushing me off of the phone. Since I know she was "between routes" at the time...there should have been no rush...and that kind of got my hackles raised a bit.
Then, last night I asked her again "where this is all going" with regards to our relationship...and her only response was "Why, are you that anxious to find someone else?" (guilty conscience?)
Ummm...no.
Although...she did try the "excessive" perfume in the morning thing awhile back (4-5 months ago maybe?)...and when I confronted her on it...she smiled her little deceitful smile and told me that she was glad I had noticed because she was doing it to make me THINK something was going on... (weird woman)..but that no...nothing was. She was trying to make me jealous...of nothing...during another time of relational difficulty. Of course...the circumstance were a little different then...as we were speaking and things smoothed out.
This time...is the first time she has ever said she wanted a divorce...and has stayed so emotionally distant for this long...ever.
As far as her getting her half...yes, I know she will...maybe. I have a card that I will need a lawyer to look at to see if it will play...if it comes down to that. She stands to receive a substantial sum of money from a trust that was started in her name AFTER we were married. We were planning on that being a significant supplement to our retirement one day. I have been informed casually (not by an attorney, but by someone with a lot of business/legal knowledge) that even if we divorce, I may be entitled to a share of that...so we shall see.
And yes...it is doubtful that she would get alimony...all things considered.
Things between her and the kids have chilled a little. DS18 has been staying at his friends house up to 5 nights a week...which kills me...I miss him...and I hate that the reason is because of these problems with DW. DS16 has always been a private one...and when not doing chores or working with me in the garden and/or on some mechanical project...he stays in his room and keeps to himself. Which doesn't matter...since she stays in our room all night anyway...only coming out to eat or get ice for her diet soda.
She did inform me night before last that her blood pressure was down...in her words "since I stopped caring about you and the boys"...I guess I was supposed to be happy for her.
So I said to her, "So, all you had to do to get your blood pressure down was to stop being my wife?" and her response was something like "I guess so!"
Whatever.
I'm still sad, angry, confused and very disappointed. But...despite all of that I am handling this fairly well. It hasn't effected me at work...and I stay busy here at home...so all in all I am coping.
But...to be honest here...on a Christian forum...I haven't been seeking God's comfort very often...I feel like the mess is not of His doing...and I know that He would not approve of us divorcing...but more and more I think that that is exactly where this will end up...and I am ashamed.
I've failed. I couldn't make her happy as her husband...and in the process I somewhat alienated my own kids...I gave up a good paying job (and all of the benefits for the kids and I) to try and save my family...and it's crumbling apart anyway...
Despite that...I think the only reason I am coping...is BECAUSE I know that God will not forsake me...ya know?
Thanks for "listening" to me ramble (for those that actually read my little books ;) )...it helps.....
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/12/2008 7:28:19 AM
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swagedsoul
Posts: 28
Joined: 9/27/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: hnt
WHen she sees what she will be responsible for if she gets handed legal separation papers she may double think her selfish motives.
Unfortunately...there is no legal separation in Florida... :(
I would have done that already if there were. I did go to the bank and secure my account from her so she cannot take any money out online...or at am ATM. I still have access to her account (It's in my name too...I opened it) so I can make sure everything stays in order. Besides maybe getting my own PO Box...that's all I can think to do right now to protect myself financially from her craziness.
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/12/2008 8:41:17 AM
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hnt
Posts: 539
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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Do you have anyone at church you are speaking with about this?
God is always there, and is always listening!
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/12/2008 9:51:23 AM
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Row1
Posts: 249
Joined: 12/2/2005
Status: offline
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hello, swagedsoul- it is good to get all of these thoughts and emotions out into the open, so you can actually figure out what is going on inside you!
when i went through a divorce, it helped a lot to talk to friends.
the 'failure' issue was very upsetting to me. i generally make decent decisions about what i get myself into, and hold myself to my standard for succeeding at things i get myself into. i was committed to making that marriage work. partly i suffered from the prejudice against men that men in general are the ones who mess up marriages, with too much attention paid to sports or buddies or work, or affairs. so i thought as long as i was a decent husband, i should have a decent marriage.
i was being a good husband, but i was failing - after 10 years, my ex-wife was distant, didn't work with me on the marriage, didn't share what the problems were, was unwilling to go to counseling, etc.
finally, it struck me: i can only take care of myself, and a marriage is not some effort that one person undertakes; it takes both people. so, i convinced myelf i was not failing. i could not be expected to carry the entire task of the marriage myself. i could be perfect but it still required the investment from my ex-wife. but she was not helping.
once i accepted the fact that it was not a failure, and that i had done a decent job on my side but i was not 'met half way,' i could get beyond that shame from thinking that i was failing.
things are terrible. act accordingly.
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/12/2008 3:17:12 PM
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evryknee
Posts: 297
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline
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Again, Sorry for your struggles. Many men struggling with relationship issues, esp. during these difficult times also struggle with depression - so keep an eye on that. If possible, even through your hurt, your children will need to know you are there for them. If you can schedule some guys nights out with them ( & individually) so they can talk about stuff or just know that you are there and love them, that would be great.
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RE: Do you want to divorce me???? - 3/12/2008 4:08:03 PM
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fist.sensei
Posts: 126
Joined: 2/29/2008
Status: offline
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Swagedsoul-
I'm sorry for what you are going through, I've been there and the only hurt I could compare it to was when my grandpa died... it's that emotionally hurtful.
For your own mental safety, you need to lay down stern rules of what is acceptable behavior and what is not.
If you let her treat you like **** (which she has been doing from what you say here) you can end up having issues that take a lot of healing and repair... you already assuredly have a lot of hurt that will take a lot of work to get through.
You have to put your foot down on the issues. If it is not wifely, you need to tell her it is absolutely unacceptable. You can say this in a loving way, indicating that you will not accept less than you deserve... and you deserve to be loved!
If she is unwilling to change you need to make the situation uncomfortable for her bad behavior... she can choose to 1. change her abusive behavior or 2. leave.
In my situation I do not believe in divorce (even though there was adultery, I tried to be soft-hearted), however my ex-wife quit completely, she said she had found someone that treated her better and that she wanted a divorce. I let her think about this, got no different answer, made sure she was not going to change her mind... and at that point I considered myself spiritually divorced. The legal part has taken longer to work out, but when she quit I was "not under bondage".
I could not force my ex-wife to change... I tried my way, I tried her way... She was not treating me acceptably and I told her I would not tolerate it, at which point she took the easy way out by quitting. It has been a load lifted off my shoulders, my life is so much better now! I can't say that I'm not glad she left, however my faith would not allow me to quit. I think the best answer in this situation is to tell them what is acceptable, and let them make the decision. Lovingly and with patience, of course... but you can be stern and loving (of yourself and your boys too!) at the same time.
I will add that I certainly had my problems in the marriage, but the key was *I was trying to change*.
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