|
cuzin -> RE: Advice from those who got married when they were "older" (30's and beyond) (3/24/2008 11:31:32 AM)
|
I don't know if this is more on the track of advice from someone who married older, or from someone older who married someone younger. My experiences:
I was 29 when I got married. I'd left my mothers house at age 20 when I went away to college as a Junior. I never really went back except for occasional overnights. Throughout my 20's as I matured, I stayed quite busy, with friends, participation in my church's music ministry, and frequently making myself available as a youth group chaperon on outings (though never being responsible for leadership). I established myself in my career, bought a modest dwelling (a mobile home -- very modest), and often had roommates who were younger and generally tried to be a mentor to encourage them in a positive direction. I also observed both the good and not so good aspects of relationships with my friends, many of whom were married during this time. All the while, I prayed that God would send me a wife, and eventually that happened.
I became aware that a younger girl in my church was really taken with me, much to my surprise, because while I always tried to be responsible and mature, I didn't really pay a lot of directed attention to many of the young people. People tell me that I'm pretty secure in myself and genuine, and that seems to occasionally catch even small children's attention in a special way sometimes. I have two nieces who were quite fond of me from a young age, and I'm not really someone who oohs and ahhs over babies and toddlers. I willingly take care of my own, often to a greater degree than many fathers are willing, but generally shy away from others' children. So I prayed about this for quite a while and discussed it with those in my life who were my mentors.
My wife was 18 when we got married (with enthusiastic approval from her parent, with who I'd established a solid relationship long before any of this came to be). She was mature in a lot of ways and ready to assume responsibility of a home and marriage. However, there were an equal number of ways that she was still immature.... I've come to realize many of these things over the years as we've had out differences and struggles. She didn't have a clear sense of identity apart from her family. Her mother could be controlling and manipulative in passive ways through persuasive speech. Her father struggled (and still struggles) with being demanding, controlling and harsh, even as he knew it and tried to work through it. As I've known him and gotten to know his father, I've come to realize that the root of this are likely in the same types of wounding things that he received from his father as a child.
One of our biggest struggles over the years was rooted in a conflict over some baggage that I'd brought into the marriage. Several months into our marriage, at 18, my wife was no were near mature enough to discuss this issue with. It didn't help, as we sought counsel that we got some bad advice from one of the pastors of our church. In retrospect, I wish I'd worked this out with someone else's help.
It's only now, as my wife is into her 30's that I think she's begun to figure out who she truly is and begin to mature into a woman of God.
My advice to someone older who is getting married would be along these lines:
- Get to know your spouse, their friends and their family as well as you possibly can.
- Insist that both you and your spouse spend time with and get to know as many friends and family members as you can. e.g. If your prospective father in-law is roofing his house or something like that, time spent pounding nails and getting to know one another is time well spent.
- Recognize that some, if not all of your relationships with other friends WILL CHANGE when you get married. They have to. Some friendships will wane. Others with single people will likely go on hiatus, and those with singles of the opposite sex will likely (and properly should) end, unless they're a mutual friend.
- Seek the counsel of those who you mutually respect. Formal counseling, whether by a pastor, or another would be time well spent.
- Going to a marriage oriented conference would be a good thing. Family life's marriage conferences have tracks included for engaged couples.
- You should be able to talk about ANYTHING, and that includes intimacy. If you can't do this (at an appropriate level of detail) prior to marriage, it's not going to get any better after you're married, without a lot of work.
The gist of all this is that you need to honestly assess the maturity level of your prospective spouse. You may have wildly different temperaments, and approaches to life, but if you're at similar levels of maturity in both life skills and your walks with God, things will definitely be easier.
|
|
|
|