Confused about abuse and Gods Soverriegnty (Full Version)

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4cutekids -> Confused about abuse and Gods Soverriegnty (3/10/2008 1:31:06 PM)

I have been dealing with my past abuse for a few weeks now. Since I couldn't handle it as a child I blacked out my childhood memories. I get flashbacks of what happened now and it makes it hard to deal with. I cant talk to anyone because of the small community and one of the abuser's is in our church. So I have no outlet for what I am remembering. I have also been doing a beth moore study on Daniel and hoe God's sovereignty over everything. how could such things happen. How can I continue and still know the pain and what has happened feels like it is happening again. i get to relive it. I'm just not sure about anything right now. I believe there is a god and his son died for us but im having a harder time believing in his all knowing and love because of the past brought into view. Please help me see what i need to because i feel fake by hiding what i know but yet if any one knew it would ruin my family. So in a sense I feel like im in high school again playing the happy teenager because it was expected but inside i was dieing and self hating(thats another story ) but if u get it let me know and if you have advice then I would be hapy to hear it because i feel like im being torn in half. [&o]



LaurainAL -> RE: Confused about abuse and Gods Soverriegnty (3/10/2008 1:38:36 PM)

Are you talking about sexual abuse? Are you still being abused?



peace77 -> RE: Confused about abuse and Gods Soverriegnty (3/10/2008 1:44:36 PM)

4cutekids,

God loves you very much. He has always loved you.

The problem is that there is sin and sinful people around us.

Can you go to a larger city near you and meet with a counselor?


Peace,
Anne



peculiar_lady2 -> RE: Confused about abuse and Gods Soverriegnty (3/10/2008 1:48:50 PM)

sounds like you are living in fear....fear of the past....fear of people finding out....fear of the abuser getting mad at you for wanting help....fear of the unknown future. I think personally that you need someone to help walk with you through this....a Christian counselor of some kind that knows and has dealt with these kinds of fears before. There is only so much you can face on your own by reading a book. Your own view may skew how you are reading that book also....so I really think you need some sort of accountability there to make sure you are reading it right.
HERE is a site where you can search for Christian counselors in your area...I would suggest you do that and get in to talk to someone who can follow up with you on a regular basis.



Carleejoan -> RE: Confused about abuse and Gods Soverriegnty (3/10/2008 3:24:20 PM)

God does want you deal with it and follow through for healing. It will affect your present life and how deal with every aspect of raising your children. You are probably aware that you have the potential to become an abuser if you have been abused. Finding books at Christian bookstores is a start but I would be good to go through a Christian counsellor who is sensitive. We develop bitter root judgments when we're children and our thinking becomes molded by these judgments. By becoming aware of your pain you are in a step toward your healing. You may not want to be around this other person that was abusive to you until you're ready to confront them. God will show when. Be gentle with yourself and ask God your hard and difficult questions. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I went through some awful stuff too and I too avoided facing until other life crises (like the first time my husband had cancer 20 years ago).



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Confused about abuse and Gods Soverriegnty (3/10/2008 4:46:12 PM)

I am no help with the healing part. [:o] I hope you will get lots of help from the other ladies here.

But have your abuser's ever been outed? If not, I think you have a moral obligation to speak up, as painful as it may be, for the sake of others who may be vulnerable to them. Seeing justice done may play a part in your healing, actually.



4cutekids -> RE: Confused about abuse and Gods Soverriegnty (3/11/2008 10:09:35 AM)

HI all,

I have sat here for almost an hour, thinking about your replies. I actually went and got a notebook to be able to respond to each of you in one post. So I will try to clarify and respond to each of you in this post.
First I want to thank you all for even taking the time to respond. I know this is a tough issue to talk about and respond to.
1. LaurainAL-Yes, it was sexual abuse among many things. I am not still being abused(although some days it feels like it). I was abused from 2yrs to 13 yrs of age. I don't remember all of it, but I now have flashbacks. They are horridly vivid and often come to me as I sleep. It was a coping mechanism that I shut it all out. Not all of the flashbacks are of the abuse some are of childhood memories, I hope this helps you to understand.
2. peace77-Thank you for reassuring me of God's love. After a flashback it can take me days not to feel dirty, used and ugly. During those times I wonder how could God love such a creature. My silence let it continue so I feel at fault. As for getting to a larger town at this time we(my family) are with out a car so I have to rely on family just to get groceries.
3. peculiar_lady2- Yes fear has gripped me deeply lately. I did look on the site you recommended and the nearest person is 90 miles away. Thank you for posting but I can't see how I could there at this time. Also the book I am reading it actually a Bible Study on Daniel by Beth Moore. So I have an accountability factor with the other women who are taking it. However my current issues do keep me at a distance when it comes to sharing about my past with the ladies in the group.
4. Carleejoan-Thank you for the being gentle on myself. It is usually the last thing I happen to remember to do. I am very harsh on myself. I have a friend who will listen and let me talk that helps a lot. I do speak to my mom but it tends to send her on a downward spiral due to the fact that she too was abused as a child. She however was not my abuser. There are things I can not tell her because they are to dark as she would say and she can't handle them.
5. 3cappuccinosmom- To answer your question they have been outed but I cant see ruining their life again. Because I am remembering the details of 0ver almost18 yrs ago. I don't want to hurt anyone or bring them down with worry. They have changed and now follow God. Once you are forgiven you are forgiven right?
I guess thats all I can say for now. I will continue to pray on the matter and hope that I will find what I need. I really do Thank you all for taking the time to care and listen and help me as I try to deal with this. Thank you for letting me be hurt and myself and not having to put on that strong invincible face in here. I have to be strong and happy and serving in my life everyday. Thank you for letting it be ok that I am not strong that I do need help and reassurance, and love like everyone else. Thank you for letting me be just me. If you don't get it then thats ok but some of you may understand more of what I just said than others and I thank you.



peculiar_lady2 -> RE: Confused about abuse and Gods Soverriegnty (3/11/2008 11:05:33 AM)

hey.....just wanted to say, whether it's a friend or a pastor's wife or an elder's wife from your church, you need to talk to someone that you can open up with about some things. It really will help. Believe me....btdt.
Also I wanted to say that on here we are very limited in how we can "help" because it's against TOS for us to offer counsel in a lot of ways to you....that's what professional counselors are for or people that are around you IRL. So don't think that our silence in that area is anything more then just that....we simply can't help much because of the TOS we all agreed to follow.



clag4christ -> RE: Confused about abuse and Gods Soverriegnty (3/12/2008 5:45:42 PM)

quote:

I don't want to hurt anyone or bring them down with worry. They have changed and now follow God. Once you are forgiven you are forgiven right?


This is true...but it doesn't mean that the man (men? or women) who abused you shouldn't face the fullest penalty of the law. Even if this person(s) been forgiven by the Lord that doesn't mean that consequences of their actions should not follow still, even 18 years later. Their prosecution could help you in your healing process.

Is it a possibility for you and your family to attend a different church?



LaurainAL -> RE: Confused about abuse and Gods Soverriegnty (3/12/2008 9:02:57 PM)

It is true that God forgives. However, there are still consequences to sin.

I have never told my Mom's story, not even to people IRL, but I feel it is relevant now.

My mother was sexually abused as a child. The offender was protected. She never recovered and died of an overdose in 2001. I often wonder how different things would have been if her Mother hadn't told her to keep quiet. Would she have forgiven him had he asked for forgiveness. The abuse ate her up inside. She "appeared" to have it all together, but there was always a sense of sadness about her. She told me of her abuse the night before my wedding. She was still in so much pain 40 years after it happend. Her abuser was never punished. He even sent flowers to us at her funeral [:o]. It still makes me want to vomit!!!

I am not telling this to scare you or make you sad. I just want you to know keeping the abuse to yourself can effect you in a bad way for the rest of your life. It can effect your future husband and your future kids.

(((((((HUGS))))))))))



Pengie -> RE: Confused about abuse and Gods Soverriegnty (3/19/2008 11:38:12 PM)

I know something of abuse myself. My husband was extremely violent for the first 15 years of our marriage. He constantly called me hideous names. threatned tp kill me 3 times, I always had bruises . . . he even broke up arm. I prayed the whole time "God help me", and He did. He showed me how to get treatment for my husband and protection for myself & daughter while he sought that treatment.

Then. like you, I began to have flashbacks and panic attacks. Like the past was today. I would also have nightmares. I was diagnosed with post-traumatic-stress-disorder.
Now I am combining pills & prayer to get me thru. I do see a Christian counselor on a regular basis. I believe this is all necessary for my healing.
Sounds like it may be for you, too? In any case, you have my prayers.



healingwhisper -> RE: Confused about abuse and Gods Soverriegnty (4/8/2008 2:27:17 AM)

I just wanted to say...I understand exactly what you're talking about...especially the part about being in high school pretending everything is perfect. [8|] Just in the last few weeks have I been able to actually say "I know God loves me" without smirking inside & thinking yeah right. I still struggle...still shake my fist at the things I'm having to deal with because of what someone else did. *sigh* I keep hoping it will get easier, but it is sooo hard.

One of the things that has helped me more than I can even describe was seeing a wonderful Christian therapist & joining a Christian support group. Secular is not bad, could still be helpful, but for me, I needed the Christian aspect because of my issues with God. I have been slowly dealing with things for almost 4 years now, but sometimes it seems like much longer. [;)] One of the things I learned from my counselor & then heard again in my group, is that our brains are created to protect us...& until we're capable of dealing with the memories, triggers, flashbacks that surface, they stay hidden, but God brings them out so he can heal us. I remember the first time my counselor said that to me...I must have given her a great look because she asked "what?" & I told her it didn't feel like God was trying to heal...it felt like I was drowning! [sm=crazy.gif] She reassured me that that was normal...& that it probably seemed like things were getting worse because it was going to get worse before it got better...but when it got better, it'd be much more than I'd ever thought it could be. She said that what I was going through was like when you had a wound on your arm. Unattended it became infected, & in my case, even healed some because of the many years it took me to get where I was, but the healing that had occurred wasn't the healing that God brings, so the wound had to be re-opened & everything I was going through was like the "cleaning of the wound"...& once that had happened, true healing can occur.

I know that talking & sharing your story is so hard...there are only a handful of people who know my whole story & another handful who know a little bit (& most of those are because they were in my support group last year [sm=blush.gif] ). However, I am a firm believer in that talking helps. The shame begins to lift in the telling of your story. I didn't believe that...but I am getting there. One of the things my group leader said that made sense to me was that we were wounded in relationship...& it is in relationship where we will find the most healing. Maybe, instead of sharing with all the ladies in your Bible study group, you would feel comfortable sharing with one or two?

I'm sorry this has gotten so long...I hope I made sense. I guess, I just want you to know you're not alone. Be gentle with you...I'm learning that healing is more of a triathalon than a sprint or even a marathon...it is not something that happens just because you decide to be healed, like some have suggested to me...& what works for a season is not always sufficient...it has taken a combination of one or two supportive friends, a survivor support group, a counselor & a couple of different Bible studies to get this far (for me) & I still feel like I've got a long way to go. The important part is to remember that you are valuable. You are worth it to heal...for your family...for your friends...but ultimately for yourself.



IAMJulie -> RE: Confused about abuse and Gods Soverriegnty (4/8/2008 2:28:49 PM)

I too know what it feels like to be abused for a long time. Mine was not sexual (as far as I can remember, I still have a lot I can't remember about my childhood) but my mom's was and it was she who abused me. She never really ernestly got help and she is one messed up person now. I know it sounds blunt but I don't know how to put it otherwise. I have been seeing a great Christian counselor for about a year and a half and have just gotten to the point where I go "as needed" instead of weekly.

The only way I was able to make it happen was because a friend of mine was willing to watch my kids so I could go. We do have a car too. I would suggest confiding in a friend or two that can help you with kid watching and car rides. Even at 90 miles away there may be people who understand the seriousness of your situation and will be willing to help you get the help that you need. You might also just ask around to see if you can find someone closer. I would definitely go with a Christian counselor though. I really think that had my counselor not been a strong Christian that I would not have achieved that ability to heal, forgive and move on like I have.



myka -> RE: Confused about abuse and Gods Soverriegnty (4/8/2008 3:00:20 PM)

Do you have a church that you are a part of? They might know of some resources for Christian counselors. Sometimes, counselors aren't members of organizations like AACC, but are Christians. I personally know of some counselors who are not necessarily listed on certain sites. I think that Focus on the Family also has a referral line.



missleyna -> RE: Confused about abuse and Gods Soverriegnty (4/25/2008 10:00:20 PM)

Hi,
I was abused as a child growing up by my alcoholic father until my parents divorced when I was 14. I thought I was "over it" just by having him out of the house. Us kids were put into therapy because the law required it when I was younger- but it never did anything. I was really depressed and suffered from various mental health problems- eating disorders, anxiety, etc. Around the age of 20-21, I started to get my life back on track and enrolled in University. I also got back in contact with my father. I wanted to practice "turn the other cheek", I wanted to get to know him because he was no longer drinking and I felt as if I was owed a father. However, my second year of school, my dad started drinking again. This time he was not abusive, but even being around him while he was drunk brought back flashbacks. It eventually got so bad, even when I thought of him I flashed back to my childhood- of things he did to me, and things he did to my siblings and my mom that I saw. I ended up having to take a semester off from school and I went back into therapy. It was always secular therapy, and honestly it never helped. I still do not believe that I am fully over it- but I did learn to cope with my memories and to keep them at bay. Also, there is a verse that always got me through the hard times growing up- I don't remember what it is- but it is something about when your earthly father disappoints you, remember your Heavenly Father is there. It always brought me comfort and it reminded me that God loved me and was watching out for me, even in my times of pain. I'm honestly not sure if its possible to ever fully get over such horrible past events- but I do know that it is possible to live without them haunting you constantly. I found that talking about what happened to very select individuals who loved me helped a lot. And a lot a lot of prayers. Also- I found that keeping a journal and getting out everything I was feeling helped too. I'm not sure if I have advice, other than to tell you that God is with you and He does love you, even if you don't see it. And just believing in that helps a lot.


quote:

ORIGINAL: 4cutekids

HI all,

I have sat here for almost an hour, thinking about your replies. I actually went and got a notebook to be able to respond to each of you in one post. So I will try to clarify and respond to each of you in this post.
First I want to thank you all for even taking the time to respond. I know this is a tough issue to talk about and respond to.
1. LaurainAL-Yes, it was sexual abuse among many things. I am not still being abused(although some days it feels like it). I was abused from 2yrs to 13 yrs of age. I don't remember all of it, but I now have flashbacks. They are horridly vivid and often come to me as I sleep. It was a coping mechanism that I shut it all out. Not all of the flashbacks are of the abuse some are of childhood memories, I hope this helps you to understand.
2. peace77-Thank you for reassuring me of God's love. After a flashback it can take me days not to feel dirty, used and ugly. During those times I wonder how could God love such a creature. My silence let it continue so I feel at fault. As for getting to a larger town at this time we(my family) are with out a car so I have to rely on family just to get groceries.
3. peculiar_lady2- Yes fear has gripped me deeply lately. I did look on the site you recommended and the nearest person is 90 miles away. Thank you for posting but I can't see how I could there at this time. Also the book I am reading it actually a Bible Study on Daniel by Beth Moore. So I have an accountability factor with the other women who are taking it. However my current issues do keep me at a distance when it comes to sharing about my past with the ladies in the group.
4. Carleejoan-Thank you for the being gentle on myself. It is usually the last thing I happen to remember to do. I am very harsh on myself. I have a friend who will listen and let me talk that helps a lot. I do speak to my mom but it tends to send her on a downward spiral due to the fact that she too was abused as a child. She however was not my abuser. There are things I can not tell her because they are to dark as she would say and she can't handle them.
5. 3cappuccinosmom- To answer your question they have been outed but I cant see ruining their life again. Because I am remembering the details of 0ver almost18 yrs ago. I don't want to hurt anyone or bring them down with worry. They have changed and now follow God. Once you are forgiven you are forgiven right?
I guess thats all I can say for now. I will continue to pray on the matter and hope that I will find what I need. I really do Thank you all for taking the time to care and listen and help me as I try to deal with this. Thank you for letting me be hurt and myself and not having to put on that strong invincible face in here. I have to be strong and happy and serving in my life everyday. Thank you for letting it be ok that I am not strong that I do need help and reassurance, and love like everyone else. Thank you for letting me be just me. If you don't get it then thats ok but some of you may understand more of what I just said than others and I thank you.



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