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ORIGINAL: Sunnymom

Obviously we can't prepare children for every possibility down to the last detail, but we can give them some basics, and knowing how to find help or one's way to a safe place would be at the top of my list, especially in a big city.

In the other thread about strangers the book Protecting the Gift was mentioned- it lays a good foundation for teaching kids what to do by giving them some basics, not by trying to address every single "What if" you can think of.

The author tells the story of a harried mother in a mall with whom a man struck up a conversation, and the minute her back was turned he picked up her son and ran off with him. She tried to get help and chase him down- she never saw her son again. So what if-what if-what if- the best you can do is equip your kids the best you can, and stop depending on things like cell phones or chaperones. Children need to learn how to depend on their own common sense that hopefully has been nurtured by their parents. Teaching kids to fear by telling them what to do in horrific scenarios will do more to make them paralyzed in an emergency than to teach them how to react.

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I think the mom in the story knew exactly what she was doing, what time of day she was doing it, and how her son would react. She knew the MTA had policies to deal with unaccompanied kids. She knew how long it would take him to get home. And the thing about the cell phone was a bit facetious IMO- who here lets their 16-18 yo drive a car, but yet they don't always take care of their room or remember to take out the trash. Who here loses keys and glasses on a regular basis- but do we forbid ourselves from leaving the house until we are perfectly responsible in every area?

There are things I let my kids do that shock other parents, and other things I don't let my kids do that get me the label of 'overprotective'. If something terrible ever happens to one of my children, and some nimrod tries to place blame anywhere but on the perpetrator... you just don't want to know.

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The author tells the story of a harried mother in a mall with whom a man struck up a conversation, and the minute her back was turned he picked up her son and ran off with him. She tried to get help and chase him down- she never saw her son again. So what if-what if-what if- the best you can do is equip your kids the best you can, and stop depending on things like cell phones or chaperones. Children need to learn how to depend on their own common sense that hopefully has been nurtured by their parents. Teaching kids to fear by telling them what to do in horrific scenarios will do more to make them paralyzed in an emergency than to teach them how to react.

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ORIGINAL: Sunnymom
I don't know enough about the MTA to say much about the experience, but the mom in question was comfortable with her son having change for a public phone instead of carrying a cell phone. We can squawk all day about her choice, but from what I read and saw, she made that choice based on her knowledge of their community and of her son, not on a whim. If he had been bugging her for months to get to ride the subway alone, they obviously talked about it again and again. "What would you do if...." etc...

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ORIGINAL: stellaluna

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ORIGINAL: Sunnymom
I don't know enough about the MTA to say much about the experience, but the mom in question was comfortable with her son having change for a public phone instead of carrying a cell phone. We can squawk all day about her choice, but from what I read and saw, she made that choice based on her knowledge of their community and of her son, not on a whim. If he had been bugging her for months to get to ride the subway alone, they obviously talked about it again and again. "What would you do if...." etc...

I think this is what frustrates me about response to this story. This was not a mother who dropped her kid off without some kind of preparation. Everyone's acting like one day she just decided to abandon her son in Macy's to see what would happen. That wasn't the situation at all!

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ORIGINAL: PrincessGiselle

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ORIGINAL: stellaluna

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ORIGINAL: Sunnymom
I don't know enough about the MTA to say much about the experience, but the mom in question was comfortable with her son having change for a public phone instead of carrying a cell phone. We can squawk all day about her choice, but from what I read and saw, she made that choice based on her knowledge of their community and of her son, not on a whim. If he had been bugging her for months to get to ride the subway alone, they obviously talked about it again and again. "What would you do if...." etc...

I think this is what frustrates me about response to this story. This was not a mother who dropped her kid off without some kind of preparation. Everyone's acting like one day she just decided to abandon her son in Macy's to see what would happen. That wasn't the situation at all!

I'm 'tritto'ing Sunnymom's comment!

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And Sunnymom,

You are wrong in the suggestion that Moms (adult) will believe other (adult) Moms.
In my experience as a mother of 24 years. EVERY single mother (adult)ALWAYS will
believe THEIR CHILD rather than that of another adult (mother). REGARDLESS OF THE ADULT RELATIONSHIPS.

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For me I will stick with the FACT that the less gambled is the least lost.

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ORIGINAL: miasma

Posting blind, here, but kids ride the subway ALL THE TIME in places like NYC, Philly, etc. (not to mention Europe, where it's the primary form of transportation). They grow up doing it. I don't see a thing wrong with what this mother did.

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ORIGINAL: shadowspring

On a side note: my dh tells a story about how, as a 3 yr old missionary kid, he killed a very poisonous snake with his machete, and how proud he was of his young self at the time.

Being raised in this culture, my first reaction was not "how brave!" but "You had a machete when you were three?!?!"

The truth is, a 3 yr old without a machete will be at much greater risk in the jungles of Brazil than a three year old whose only experience is with binkys and blankys.

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When I wrote a column for The New York Sun on “Why I Let My 9-Year-Old Take The Subway Alone,” I figured I’d get a few e-mails pro and con.

Two days later I was on the Today Show, MSNBC, FoxNews and all manner of talk radio with a new title under my smiling face: “America’s Worst Mom?”

Yes, that’s what it took for me to learn just what a hot-button this is — this issue of whether good parents ever let their kids out of their sight. But even as the anchors were having a field day with the story, many of the cameramen and make up people were pulling me aside to say that THEY had been allowed to get around by themselves as kids– and boy were they glad. They relished the memories!

Had the world really become so much more dangerous in just one generation?Yes — in most people’s estimation. But no — not according to the evidence. Over at the think tank STATS.org, where they examine the way the media use statistics, researchers have found that the number of kids getting abducted by strangers actually holds very steady over the years. In 2006, that number was 115, and 40% of them were killed.

Any kid killed is a horrible tragedy. It makes my stomach plunge to even think about it. But when the numbers are about 50 kids in a country of 300 million, it’s also a very random, rare event. It is far more rare, for instance, than dying from a fall off the bed or other furniture. So should we, for safety’s sake, all start sleeping on the floor?

Well, upon reading that, I’m sure that some people will. But — let’s hope it doesn’t catch on. It’s crazy to limit our lives based on fear of a wildly remote danger. And yet, as I started speaking to people about kid safety in the last few days, I heard things that strike me as completely bizarre. One dad in an upscale suburb of New York, for instance, “lets” his 11-year-old walk one block to her best friend’s house –but she has to call the minute she arrives safely.

As if she’s been dodging sniper fire.

Another mom castigated me for my irresponsibility and proudly said that she doesn’t even let her daughter go to the mailbox in her upscale Atlanta neighborhood. There’s just too much “opportunity” for the girl to be snatched and killed. To her, I’m the crazy mom.

People who want me arrested for child abuse were sure that my son had dodged drug dealers, bullies, child molesters and psychopaths on that afternoon subway ride home by himself.

Believe me, if I lived in a city like that, I’d evacuate. But crime wise, New York City is actually on par with Provo, Utah — very safe.

Not that facts make any difference. Somehow, a whole lot of parents are just convinced that nothing outside the home is safe. At the same time, they’re also convinced that their children are helpless to fend for themselves. While most of these parents walked to school as kids, or hiked the woods — or even took public transportation — they can’t imagine their own offspring doing the same thing.

They have lost confidence in everything: Their neighborhood. Their kids. And their own ability to teach their children how to get by in the world. As a result, they batten down the hatches.

And then there are those who don’t.

I’m relieved to report that plenty of letters poured in with exactly the opposite viewpoint. There were more of these, in fact, than the naysayers. Parents from all over the country wrote, “Bravo!” “You’re not a bad mom!” And, “Good for you and good for your son!”

So I started this site for anyone who thinks that kids need a little more freedom and would like to connect to people who feel the same way.