Husband's Overspending (Full Version)

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mqflowers -> Husband's Overspending (4/7/2008 5:58:03 PM)

I am the financial person in our home. I have tried to turn it over to my husband in order for him to see what and how everything gets paid, but he doesn't want the responsibility or accountability.

He spends money like he's drinking water. He goes to the ATM machine as if money just falls from a tree and doesn't have to be deducted from our checkbook. I have spoken to him about this sooooooo many times that it's unbelievable. At one point, I even took his Debit Card and gave him an allowance. Now I really don't like doing this because he works everyday, but it's become extremely irritating and I am getting very frustrated and angry.



earthless -> RE: Husband's Overspending (4/7/2008 8:20:07 PM)

Sorry you have to deal with that. And you're right that a lot of has to do with him not really knowing what comes in and or better said, what goes out.

I handle all of the finances in our home. My wife never has to ever worry about whether or not the electric bill was paid, or if the gas bill is due, or the mortgage payment has gone out, etc..

But she is very frugal and doesn't spend anything over $50 without letting me know/asking me. I do the same for her and we usually do our shopping together anyways, so it doesn't matter.

I recommend you have him sit with you when you do the bills and let him know what is going on. Do you have a budget? Maybe he needs to see the reality of what your finances are.



mqflowers -> RE: Husband's Overspending (4/8/2008 9:03:13 AM)

Been there, and done that. Have done a spreadsheet, showed the deductions, showed what we have going out, etc. Dosen't work at all. It's like he's in denial.



earthless -> RE: Husband's Overspending (4/8/2008 9:14:45 AM)

He needs a swift kick to the head.



mqflowers -> RE: Husband's Overspending (4/8/2008 11:21:08 AM)

I may have to take the Debit Card from him and give him an allowance. However, I would rather not do that but if I have to I will.



blessedinnyc -> RE: Husband's Overspending (4/8/2008 5:57:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mqflowers

I may have to take the Debit Card from him and give him an allowance. However, I would rather not do that but if I have to I will.

An alternative might be to give him a prepaid credit card or a credit card with a lower credit limit (and one that won't let him go over that credit limit for a $30 fee).

At the end of the month, go through the bill so you can discuss what he spent money on. The important thing here is to just make it a constructive discussion. If you frame things in terms of delay of gratification by explaining why you're saving (retirement, a house, whatever), you might be able to get him on board. To make sure you don't get angry or emotional ahead of time in case he's run up a ridiculous bill, just practice the discussion out ahead of time where you still talk about things nicely.

I hate credit cards as much as the next guy- credit cards don't hurt as much as cash- but if Mr. Right is Mr. Flakey when it comes to spending anyways, it's better to have the credit card do the accounting than have him spend lots of money AND lose track of it.



pbaribeault -> RE: Husband's Overspending (4/10/2008 12:05:46 PM)

Keep your regular account and get him a spending account. Transfer money in for him (be moderate, but generous) then let him mind his own business. Get him to agree to carry only his spending account card.



BlueAdept -> RE: Husband's Overspending (4/10/2008 1:13:11 PM)

I would guess based on your post that you are the "accountant" personality and your husband is the "salesman" personality. I think you need to paint him a word picture, to help him see what his "over spending" is doing to you. Just as David needed a picture, your husband is not going see how he is/has hurt you without a clear picture.

But just as important, you (and he) should understand WHAT he is spending money on. (I carry 20-130 dollars nearly all the time.) I personally get gas for my car, go to the grocery, take family out to eat.... what ever needs done, with that cash. But I also know that I have an overall limit of 400 for all of that, for every 2 weeks. So I have stopped spending on some items, but others I have a LOT less control of (gas).

I would suggest giving him a spending log, however, I would also BET he would not do it. This is what I might do, give him..... 200 dollars; then tell him that when he needs more money he has to provide receipts for all of the cash he has spent. So when he goes to the gas station, he needs to get a receipt. Then YOU can track what he is spending. You can ask about this or that (gently hopefully in love and compassion.)

You and he need to understand what it is that drives the spending, and drives the need. Chances are good he doesn't really understand the reason, only the "need." I know you can work through this, it might be hard but I think it is very doable.



Row1 -> RE: Husband's Overspending (4/15/2008 8:54:28 AM)

my wife and i put ourselves on the envelope system to figure out where the money was going.

it took abt 3 months to fine-tune. we have an envelope for the month's food money, for gas, for clothing, for "pocket" money, for doctor visits, etc.

the reason i say all this is because it is similar to what others are suggesting, plus both of you would be doing the same stratgy, versus you giving him an allowance.

the two of you could sit down and work out the budget - how much food $ per month, how much 'pocket' money, etc.

then you administer.

the way we do it, our entire pay is divided up. so, if we happen to over-spend, we have to 'borrow' the money from some other envelope, plus figure out if we need to adjust that category. like if we make a long car trip, we will go over our gas budget, so we might plan to take $20 from the clothing envelope for that month, or each pay $10 from our 'pocket' money.

with all the categories of money - this includes monthly amt for electric bill, car ins, etc., whatever is left over is committed to paying off two credit cards - we are paying down credit cards, not increasing the amount we owe credit cards.

if you do this, then both of you will see where the money is going. you can keep your part of directing the money, but he is involved in setting up the categories. so, this is like the allowance idea, but covers a lot more.



lilyofthefield -> RE: Husband's Overspending (4/17/2008 11:53:07 AM)

Can you sit down and have a talk with him where the two of you together come up with a weekly or monthly amount you both think is reasonable for him to spend, and agree to put it into his own account or something?

I cringe when I read that you may have to "take" the debit card from him. As the financial person in my home (yuck [:'(]), I understand the frustration and temptation to do that, but it comes off like you're his mom instead of his partner. I think whatever you decide should be a joint decision.



bensulli -> RE: Husband's Overspending (4/18/2008 3:28:12 AM)

There's some really good suggestions here! A variant of the "allowance" is to simply set up a new account for him and set up an automatic recurring transfer of, say, $100/week which he can do what he wants with. That way you never need to think about it.

I'm blessed to have a wife who is very frugal, having grown up with very little money in the family, and I like to think she's blessed with a husband (me) who is very good at planning/budgeting/financing/investing. Together we make a pretty good team out of it.



P31W -> RE: Husband's Overspending (4/21/2008 8:49:15 AM)

You have a marriage and spiritural problem that is showing itself in your finances.

Forget the money talk. (that just keeps you from talking about the real issues) Get down to the root of the problems. There is no shame is seeking counsel for marriage. The church may even have an older couple who may be willing to mentor you and your husband.



Psalm22 -> RE: Husband's Overspending (4/21/2008 5:04:54 PM)

I agree with P31W. A third party can take a neutral position and your dh may well take it better from a third party than from you. Have you visited www.crown.org? There a number of resources available through them that may help you on the financial aspect.



eric731 -> RE: Husband's Overspending (4/21/2008 5:24:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilyofthefield

Can you sit down and have a talk with him where the two of you together come up with a weekly or monthly amount you both think is reasonable for him to spend, and agree to put it into his own account or something?

I cringe when I read that you may have to "take" the debit card from him. As the financial person in my home (yuck [:'(]), I understand the frustration and temptation to do that, but it comes off like you're his mom instead of his partner. I think whatever you decide should be a joint decision.


I agree that forcing a situation will not work for long. We didn't marry our spouse to "change" them. But he should be willing to understand your needs and make adjustments that help the whole family. If he chooses not to on this very important topic to you, than like others have said, there is a deeper communication issue going on too.

Pray, seek counsel, and trust in God to help you two overcome this issue.

God Bless!



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