Can a man be a daddy but not a father? (Full Version)

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james12-5 -> Can a man be a daddy but not a father? (4/13/2008 3:16:19 PM)

Do you think a man (take the term as loosely as necessary) be the biological "father" of children and be there Daddy but not be a Father to them? I will wait for some responses before explaining further.



pbaribeault -> RE: Can a man be a daddy but not a father? (4/13/2008 3:28:40 PM)

English is a funny language. The terms "father" and "daddy" both generally mean the male parent of a child. "Daddy" is an affectionate term and "father" is a technical term.

When we say "biological father" we are saying that there is something absent as far as the ordinary parenting relationship.

When we want someone to "be a father" we usually mean that we want them to live up to their obligations towards the children that they have generated.

So this man you have in mind is the parent of the child technically, but something is lacking in the relationship. However it is not affection or spending-time that is missing, because you also indicate that he is a "daddy". So, what is it that you think a real "father" would step up and do that this man is not doing?

Since you are being intentionally oblique, I'm going to guess that the man generated the child/ren and is buddy-buddy with them but refuses to make decisions in their best interests, provide for them, or discipline them. This could occur in an ordinary marriage situation, a case of separated parents or a blended family.

Do I think a man can do that... of course he CAN. Nothing stops people from avoiding their obligations to their kids. He will, however be held accountable for his choices.



james12-5 -> RE: Can a man be a daddy but not a father? (4/13/2008 3:31:23 PM)

I was kind of thinking of the old saying you see on everything at Father's Day "Anyone can be a father but it takes someone special to be a daddy" I was thinking (yes, with a particular situation in mind) that it's really more of the opposite.

ETA, you did describe the situation in mind fairly well. The man loves the children (use of plural doesn't necessarily mean more than one child) in his way but doesn't really know how to be a good father, to be a good godly influence, put them above himself, etc. However, the children love him for what he is and he is "daddy" to him.



pbaribeault -> RE: Can a man be a daddy but not a father? (4/13/2008 3:45:44 PM)

If he really doesn't know how to be a good father, then perhaps that is more of a call for grace and help than anything else. It sounds like maybe he's doing the best he can. Do you ever wonder what your calling might be as a Christian who is aware of his struggles?



armydude -> RE: Can a man be a daddy but not a father? (4/13/2008 4:00:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: james12-5

Do you think a man (take the term as loosely as necessary) be the biological "father" of children and be there Daddy but not be a Father to them? I will wait for some responses before explaining further.
Any male can father a child. Only by God's grace can a man become a "Daddy" by being there. Max Lucado said that children spell love T-I-M-E. There's no substitute for it.



zoebob -> RE: Can a man be a daddy but not a father? (4/13/2008 4:28:04 PM)

quote:

Any male can father a child.


But does that make him a Father? I think I understand what the OP is getting out. For example a single mom (ie a widow)could have a man that is a father-figure to her children but not "daddy" to them.



armydude -> RE: Can a man be a daddy but not a father? (4/13/2008 4:32:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: zoebob

quote:

Any male can father a child.


But does that make him a Father? I think I understand what the OP is getting out. For example a single mom (ie a widow)could have a man that is a father-figure to her children but not "daddy" to them.
True. That's where the second part of my post comes into play. I know of several men that have willfully taken the responsibility of raising children that are not their biological children.



locomom -> RE: Can a man be a daddy but not a father? (4/13/2008 4:36:12 PM)

I would say that if a man spends significant effort and time in his children's lives he is their beloved Daddy. However, he can sin or fail to fulfill significant parts of his duty to his children. We can fail many ways, including one opposite which is being too hard on our children.

I would wonder if this man knows his failings and would like to do better. It might be good if a loving, godly, and wise companion could take the time to get to know how this father feels about the job he is doing as a father. Then sound advice for lessons in fatherhood might be talked about. Many churches do give parenting seminars.



Melitac -> RE: Can a man be a daddy but not a father? (4/13/2008 11:09:26 PM)

HELLO.

This thread hit me full in the gut.

My two oldest kids biological father died on Thursday afternoon April 10th at 50 years of age. He died of liver chirrosis and cancer.

This man was my ex husband of only 2 years when they were very little.
My kids are grown dd in college and son in Air Force.

The man that has raised them is my current husband of 24 years. My husband was their "Daddy".
He is the man that loved them, provided for them, taught them and led them to Christ.

Their "father" died an Atheist.
My son was given full power of attny a week before he died. He then had to sign the order "DO NOT RESUSCITATE" for his own father because the man was too selfish to make out a Living Will as he knew he had cancer for 5 years and then drank himself to death in front of these two kids. Belittling them the entire time.

It has been quite a rough week.
Even though my ex is likely going to Hell, my kids are fee from the hell on earth he put them through.

But I am proud of my son and daughter in the fact that they were good children to him. Witnessed to him and held his hand as he died.

Melissa [:(]



Melitac -> RE: Can a man be a daddy but not a father? (4/13/2008 11:16:59 PM)

PS,

This post scared me at first. I thought you were my son posting this. His first name is James....

[:(][:(][:(]



shadowspring -> RE: Can a man be a daddy but not a father? (4/14/2008 11:57:18 AM)

In my experience, a daddy can raise your and love you all your life, and it is more than enough. My step-father's love means the world to me.

But the link with the biological dad is still there, odd as that is. My bio dad left us when I was two! How is it that it still affected me?

I saw him across a crowded courtroom when I was eight and my mom was divorcing my daddy. He testified against my mom.

I saw him again in his coffin this past year, 27 years after the last time I saw him. I forgive him for being so selfish, and leaving his young children to endure what he could not. I also forgave him for being a coward, and never accepting responsibility for his children's lives. I don't think surrendering custody really absolved him of responsibility.

He was dying of lung cancer when his sister contacted me out of nowhere and asked if I would write him. I wrote two letters: one full of angry "why?"s, which I threw away. And I wrote another, detailing the awesome life God has given me and giving glory to God for His mercy and grace, urging him to trust the Lord.

The thing is, I didn't even know the first letter was inside me until I set down and out it came. [&:]



james12-5 -> RE: Can a man be a daddy but not a father? (4/14/2008 12:03:57 PM)

I assure you I am not your son melitec.

Melitec and Shadow your stories seem to back up the old saying that people bring out at father's day "Anyone can be a father but it takes someone special to be a daddy"

I guess I am wondering do you (everyone) think it would be odd for a single mom to say "My kids have a Daddy (who is their biological sperm donor) but they need a Father" Especially if Daddy is aware of shortcoming but not interested in changing.



shadowspring -> RE: Can a man be a daddy but not a father? (4/14/2008 12:32:54 PM)

To me, "father" is more formal, i.e. biodad. "Daddy" is more intimate, indicating a loving relationship that is warm and close.

Maybe she just uses the terms in the opposite way. So I guess what she means is that her children need a warm and close personal relationship with a father-figure, even if he is not their biodad?



pandora -> RE: Can a man be a daddy but not a father? (4/14/2008 2:17:21 PM)

My bio-dad is my "father" and I would never refer to him as dad. My step-dad is dad and I use that as a term of affection and honor. I would never call dad "father" because it is very formal, distant and cold sounding.

I understand what some are getting at with a father being a term for a responisble parent and daddy being the term used by the child who feels a strong bond with said parent.

The best way to determine intended meaning of these words is through the tone used when someone refers to a "father' or "daddy".



armydude -> RE: Can a man be a daddy but not a father? (4/14/2008 7:00:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: james12-5

I assure you I am not your son melitec.

Melitec and Shadow your stories seem to back up the old saying that people bring out at father's day "Anyone can be a father but it takes someone special to be a daddy"

I guess I am wondering do you (everyone) think it would be odd for a single mom to say "My kids have a Daddy (who is their biological sperm donor) but they need a Father" Especially if Daddy is aware of shortcoming but not interested in changing.
The sad thing is, that is not odd. It is all too common.



buckifn -> RE: Can a man be a daddy but not a father? (4/14/2008 9:54:46 PM)

I would say at least 75% of men today fail to be the Father God called them to be to their families.

Our ex. comes from God himself, but how many men do you know in your church, community, family, etc that comes even close to emulating our Heavenly Father and the love He has for His children?

How many homes even have a Father who sits down to their family table and communicates with their family on a daily basis anymore? How many Father's do you see at the park with their son or daughter on Sat. morning anymore? How many Father's do you see walking their daughter down the aisle at her wedding?

Priorities have long shifted from family values to $$$$$$$ and greed for many people, and men who spend daily time with the family mirroring the love of God in their homes are becoming more and more extinct.

So yes, lots of males are becoming biological sperm donors, but Fathers, NO.



crankius -> RE: Can a man be a daddy but not a father? (4/14/2008 11:54:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: james12-5
I guess I am wondering do you (everyone) think it would be odd for a single mom to say "My kids have a Daddy (who is their biological sperm donor) but they need a Father" Especially if Daddy is aware of shortcoming but not interested in changing.


I don't think it's an odd thing to say. Many men haven't had a good role-model for how to be a true daddy, and our culture in many ways encourages a lack of fatherhood.

However, since we don't know the specific situation you are speaking of, I want to be careful.

Are you asking this: If a mom is married to the father, and he is falling short of being a true daddy, is it okay for her to go about looking for a father figure for her kids and being vocal about it?



Melitac -> RE: Can a man be a daddy but not a father? (4/14/2008 11:58:50 PM)

james12-5,
I realized after reading your op that you are not my son. But it made me stop a second, you know?

I am really very grateful that you started this thread. Thanks for that! [:)]

Your saying that your kids have a "Daddy" but they need a "Father" is just your wording of what we are all getting at here. I truly understand you. At one time my kids referred to their bio father in nickname only. They called him a name he made up for them; "Badger". It was a way for them to refer to him after he had been totally out of their lives for about 8 years. He knew that they were calling their step-dad "Dad" and he actually respected that because my kids made it clear to him what a good stepfather he had been.
Also, I think my ex respected my husband. I am glad that he at least was able to pass away knowing that they would not be fatherless. That my husband would do the right thing for the rest of his life.

buckifn,

I see a few men at my church that are good fathers/dads. But not all for sure.

My husband is a good father/dad. He endured some years early in our marriage where he struggled with the massive responsibility, but he is truly a good father/Dad.

My son knows there is a huge difference between "father" and "dad". And I believe this will make him a very good one someday.



Beck34 -> RE: Can a man be a daddy but not a father? (4/15/2008 12:37:54 PM)

You know this struck a cord with me! My biological children both have differant fathers. My oldest son's father died before he was born. My youngest son's father doesn't want him.
Then, along comes a man who has taken my children as his own. My children don't know anyone else as thier "biological father." He has nutured them, held them when they cried, and loved them no matter what.
I have a daddy. He is also my "biological father." Yet, he is my daddy because he loves me in all things. No strings attached, nothing hidden, he still loves me for who God made me to be.
A daddy to me is someone who loves their children unconditionally, despite their faults. You can be a father without being a daddy by removing yourself emotionally from your child. A person who withholds love because of conditions that they have set for themselves, they cannot be a daddy!



stellaluna -> RE: Can a man be a daddy but not a father? (4/15/2008 7:16:37 PM)

I think you can have a donor or you can have a dad/father.



crankius -> RE: Can a man be a daddy but not a father? (4/16/2008 11:42:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: crankius

quote:

ORIGINAL: james12-5
I guess I am wondering do you (everyone) think it would be odd for a single mom to say "My kids have a Daddy (who is their biological sperm donor) but they need a Father" Especially if Daddy is aware of shortcoming but not interested in changing.


I don't think it's an odd thing to say. Many men haven't had a good role-model for how to be a true daddy, and our culture in many ways encourages a lack of fatherhood.

However, since we don't know the specific situation you are speaking of, I want to be careful.

Are you asking this: If a mom is married to the father, and he is falling short of being a true daddy, is it okay for her to go about looking for a father figure for her kids and being vocal about it?


I am wondering about my question. Is this what you are really asking? Because this will require a different answer.



james12-5 -> RE: Can a man be a daddy but not a father? (4/16/2008 11:59:43 AM)

Mom is recently no longer married to dad. Kids still see him and love him as Daddy although he's not a good father figure to them.



crankius -> RE: Can a man be a daddy but not a father? (4/16/2008 12:41:47 PM)

Okay. Just wanted to make sure.

(If the family is intact, and the husband is simply not a good father, the family should reach out for help on how to be a healthy family and the husband can learn how to be a good father. It would be very improper for a wife to seek a father image elsewhere in such a case--this is why I had to ask.)

A mother who is divorced has to be very careful when looking for a father-image for her children. It is not healthy for kids to be linked up with a man who may or may not be in their lives long-term. It's a fairly complicated situation for the mom and she has to tread very carefully, because her kid's hearts are involved. They have already lost their bio-dad, and they don't need to experience another rejection/separation from another man.

It is great when a church has excellent men in leadership, teaching classes and being involved with the kids. These are men children can look up to and see in a healthy manner.

If this mother is recently divorced, she should look for safe models for her children, like perhaps a relative (brother, uncle, grandfather), or men in church leadership who are stable and perhaps involved in children's ministries.



creationtalk -> RE: Can a man be a daddy but not a father? (4/16/2008 11:13:48 PM)

My xh is my son's "buddy" but he is not a father or a daddy.

A father loves his children enough to say "NO" when necessary. To say "YOU MUST" if needed. A father corrects and guides his children and provides for them. A daddy does all of this without trying to control the children and he knows when and how to have fun with the children/family.

A buddy doesn't bother to be a parent...he is a playmate, no matter what his genetic relationship/age.

Edit: so I guess if your definition of a "daddy" is mine of a "buddy" and your definition of "father" corresponds to what I consider a "daddy" then YES it is possible for someone to be a daddy but not a father.



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