False Sense of Intimacy (Full Version)

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Grace-N-Mercy -> False Sense of Intimacy (4/13/2008 9:28:08 PM)

This weekend, someone stated that the internet fosters a false sense of intimacy, meaning that it becomes easy to feel like you're emotionally closer than you really are. It feels like we know the person very well in a short amount of time, and we begin opening ourselves up to each other much more quickly than we often do in person.

Do you agree? Disagree? Know of examples? How do you keep from getting too close too soon in a relationship? Do you feel it's necessary?



mutinywxgirl -> RE: False Sense of Intimacy (4/13/2008 9:39:12 PM)

Good questions, Michelle! I will have to think about these and get back to you on them.....but my gut feeling is that, yes, it does happen -just don't have anything off the top of my head for examples yet.



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: False Sense of Intimacy (4/13/2008 9:43:29 PM)

I believe it's very true. Internet relationships seem to last longer than they really do because of the closeness and intimacy people share.

It's a matter of anonymity. We're talking to faceless strangers who are sometimes thousands of miles away. They can't see us, they don't know us...all they know is what we're sharing. If they say something harsh all we have to do is log off and never return. You can't do that IRL.

That's exactly the reason we're allowed to use two SN's here. One to just hang out with people, and another if we don't want someone to know something about ourselves.

As far as trying to keep from getting too close too soon, yes I would say sometimes it is necessary. However, sometimes you just have to have a little faith in people and take it as it goes. If you're constantly second guessing people then you're left with nothing.

And examples...hmmmm...the only ones I have are personal. I fell pretty hard for a guy online once and was left pretty beat up about it. I allowed myself to completely trust him and completely believe everything he told me. Come to find out it wasn't necessarily an act, but more of 'sometimes the means justify the end' kind of thing. It was pretty harsh.



PreserveWildlife -> RE: False Sense of Intimacy (4/13/2008 10:11:54 PM)

Absolutely agree. People reveal too much thinking it's safer. Then they talk a lot and seem to know a lot about one another. This is confused with intimacy. Then when they meet it is usually a splash of cold water because words are only about 10-20% of communication.



Grace-N-Mercy -> RE: False Sense of Intimacy (4/13/2008 10:15:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PreserveWildlife

Absolutely agree. People reveal too much thinking it's safer. Then they talk a lot and seem to know a lot about one another. This is confused with intimacy. Then when they meet it is usually a splash of cold water because words are only about 10-20% of communication.


[sm=thumbsup.gif][sm=thumbsup.gif][sm=thumbsup.gif]

Even talking on the telephone for hours at a time does the same thing... even in IRL relationships.

I think it's much better to take it slow. Show some restraint and self-discipline and limit conversations in the beginning to keep things from moving too quickly.



mutinywxgirl -> RE: False Sense of Intimacy (4/13/2008 10:20:37 PM)

quote:

Even talking on the telephone for hours at a time does the same thing... even in IRL relationships.


Of this, I can attest to personally, as it is what happened with me and someone - to whom I was just "the friend" as he was going through his divorce. We literally spent countless hours on the phone and I fell hard - very hard. He then married someone local within 6 months of the divorce being final.



Grace-N-Mercy -> RE: False Sense of Intimacy (4/13/2008 10:26:25 PM)

I was seeing a guy a couple of years ago and just a couple of months into the relationship, we took a trip to GA together to see his family. So we spent the whole weekend in the car or at his parents' house. While I don't think it was all bad, it probably sped-up the relationship. We were on the phone a lot too, and IM.



BugLady -> RE: False Sense of Intimacy (4/13/2008 10:40:22 PM)

quote:

Do you agree? Disagree? Know of examples? How do you keep from getting too close too soon in a relationship? Do you feel it's necessary?


I agree. I do not disagree. [:)] I keep from getting too close by not taking it too seriously. By being light hearted, for the most part. Sharing information that I'd share in the normal course of getting to know someone, and nothing too personal. I remind myself that I do not know this person, and will not until and unless I actually spend time with them. If I wouldn't have the same discussion face to face, on say a first date, I won't have the conversation over the internet.

Yes, I feel it's necessary. I think it's a matter of keeping your emotions in check and simply being realistic.



WaitingforBoaz -> RE: False Sense of Intimacy (4/14/2008 12:29:59 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Grace-N-Mercy

I was seeing a guy a couple of years ago and just a couple of months into the relationship, we took a trip to GA together to see his family. So we spent the whole weekend in the car or at his parents' house. While I don't think it was all bad, it probably sped-up the relationship. We were on the phone a lot too, and IM.

I agree G&M If you really want to get to know someone, take a long road trip together. It will be totally worth the cost of that extra room to get to know them better. Really great idea.



AlwaysR8chel -> RE: False Sense of Intimacy (4/14/2008 9:00:33 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Grace-N-Mercy

Do you agree? Disagree? Know of examples? How do you keep from getting too close too soon in a relationship? Do you feel it's necessary?

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.......... first off - Are we talking relationships of the opposite sex only?

I agree that the internet does give us a false sense of intimacy. It's way too easy to let our minds run away with us. It's way to easy to begin a romantic relationship without having the 'inconvenience' of following through - or walking the talk.

The Internet makes it way to easy to cross moral boundaries... after all - it's not really real, right?

Relationships take time to develop... they need a lot of one on one time.

Relationships need to be shared with others.

I think it was a hard lesson learned over many years.... but I've finally learned not to give my heart away so easily.... and the Internet dating (relationship) idea is no longer my cup of tea - I don't care how attractive the relationship may look.

Someone once accused me of being in love with 'being in love'...... and I can now see how the Internet played a role in this perception.....

my 2



ladioffaith -> RE: False Sense of Intimacy (4/14/2008 9:41:01 AM)

I went out with someone I met online last year. We exchanged e-mails and talked on the phone a lot.

I kept trying to remind him that we were STRANGERS until we met.

I don't think he ever quite got it.

One of the reasons I believe face to face meetings are essential in any relationship. I worry about the people who declare they are "in love" after meeting face to face only once. I've only seen it work twice ... but in both cases the couples spent lots and lots of time face to face before tying the knot.



Grace-N-Mercy -> RE: False Sense of Intimacy (4/14/2008 10:23:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AlwaysR8chel

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.......... first off - Are we talking relationships of the opposite sex only?


Not necessarily, though that's usually the relationship most negatively affected by a false sense of intimacy.

quote:

I agree that the internet does give us a false sense of intimacy. It's way too easy to let our minds run away with us. It's way to easy to begin a romantic relationship without having the 'inconvenience' of following through - or walking the talk.

The Internet makes it way to easy to cross moral boundaries... after all - it's not really real, right?

Relationships take time to develop... they need a lot of one on one time.

Relationships need to be shared with others.

I think it was a hard lesson learned over many years.... but I've finally learned not to give my heart away so easily.... and the Internet dating (relationship) idea is no longer my cup of tea - I don't care how attractive the relationship may look.

Someone once accused me of being in love with 'being in love'...... and I can now see how the Internet played a role in this perception.....

my 2



I agree with all this. It seems the relationship is built all in the mind, not in person. And what's in the mind goes quickly to the heart, thus the tendency to give our hearts away so quickly. But the Bible tells us to guard our hearts... not build a concrete wall around it, and not to give it to the first person who makes it flutter, but to be discerning in who we share it with.

Very good points, R8chel!



Grace-N-Mercy -> RE: False Sense of Intimacy (4/14/2008 10:30:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BugLady

quote:

Do you agree? Disagree? Know of examples? How do you keep from getting too close too soon in a relationship? Do you feel it's necessary?


I agree. I do not disagree. [:)] I keep from getting too close by not taking it too seriously. By being light hearted, for the most part. Sharing information that I'd share in the normal course of getting to know someone, and nothing too personal. I remind myself that I do not know this person, and will not until and unless I actually spend time with them. If I wouldn't have the same discussion face to face, on say a first date, I won't have the conversation over the internet.

Yes, I feel it's necessary. I think it's a matter of keeping your emotions in check and simply being realistic.


I agree it's important that we not take things too seriously in the beginning. But how easy is it for us, both guys and gals, to get into the mindset of thinking "what if this person is THE ONE!"... before the first date!!! No matter how we feel on the inside, we have to keep it cool for the first few dates. For me, I think I would treat them as any new friend for the first few dates.


I have a question, though. How do you discuss this with your date, especially if you feel he/she is moving quicker than you would prefer? The two of you may be coming from different perspectives, and the other person is acting on impulses to spill the contents of their heart while you're keeping your impulses in check. How do you deal with that in the relationship? How do you talk about it?



bootsNspurs_mod -> RE: False Sense of Intimacy (4/14/2008 10:34:20 AM)

Let me clarify that I'm not talking about a romantic or even possibly romantic sort of relationship.

I do agree that the internet can foster a false sense of intimacy, but I also believe that you can become very close with someone. Meeting them in person is a huge plus, and then you know them better. If both of you were being honest from the get-go, I've personally experienced being very comfortable very fast in person.

I've met several of the friends that I chat with, and it has been very cool. We are still close now, and meeting in person brought us much closer. There were very short periods of feeling awkward (maybe an hour or so?), but once we both realized that we were the same people that we'd been talking with the for the last six months or a year, we were very comfortable.

So... can the internet provide a false sense of intimacy? Yes, I think so. But can the relationships that you have online truly be very close? Yup, I definitely think so. Of course, in every instance where I met someone, we spent a lot of time on the phone first, too.

How do I avoid moving too fast in internet relationships? I'm still learning that one... lol. I try to remind myself that they could be saying that they are anybody that they want to be... and keep that in mind.



AlwaysR8chel -> RE: False Sense of Intimacy (4/14/2008 10:36:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Grace-N-Mercy

But the Bible tells us to guard our hearts... not build a concrete wall around it, and not to give it to the first person who makes it flutter, but to be discerning in who we share it with.

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......... Can you tell me the scripture reference you are using for this statement?

.... just curious.



Grace-N-Mercy -> RE: False Sense of Intimacy (4/14/2008 10:47:09 AM)

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Proverbs 16:21 The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction.

There are many more verses, esp. in Proverbs, if you do a search on guard and heart.

*BTW, if I'm not making much sense, I'm running on about 4 hours of sleep and have been sleep-deprived for about a week. [:D]



mmartiandt -> RE: False Sense of Intimacy (4/14/2008 7:57:40 PM)

As someone who met her husband and her best friend online, but has also had her share of wolves in sheep's clothing from online relationships, I'm gonna say it depends. It can promote a false sense of intimacy. Been there, done that, glad they don't have a t-shirt. [;)] I think though, on the other side, it can foster intimacy in ways that can't necessarily be fostered in person at first. It forces words to be the primary medium between people, not what they look like or what clothes they wear or whether or not they have spinach in their teeth. If the people on both sides of the screen are honest, and open, sometimes you find the friend you could never find in your local scene. My best friend is someone I met online, someone I could never have met any other way, and someone I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is a gift from God to me. I also know I never would have met her if I wasn't open, honest, and more than a little vulnerable with someone I met online. My advice is to be careful, cautious, discerning, and open to whatever God might have for you. [:)]



Prairiehiker -> RE: False Sense of Intimacy (4/14/2008 9:50:41 PM)

At the beginning of a romantic relationship, we know so little about each other, and all those things we don't know, we fantasize. We try to fill in those little gaps with our fantasies, and most often than not, we magnify every good qualities of the person to the point of distorting where the relationship is actually at. Our emotions tend to lead at this point which causes us to feel a closeness that might not be backed up by anything concrete. This happens in real life and online. However, online, we spend so much more time fantasizing because we don't know what the person is truly like in person. And as long as there's no face to face meeting, the image of the person in our mind can remain as wonderful and perfect.



ladioffaith -> RE: False Sense of Intimacy (4/14/2008 10:50:30 PM)

Oh yeah, that's right ... I also met my best friend online. We were introduced by a mutual friend and never saw each other online. However, she lives in my local area, so we met in person pretty soon and almost all our communication is in person or on the phone ... the net almost never comes into play.

I guess that's why I've always wanted to meet people in person pretty soon if I was to date them ... there are a lot of things you have to meet in person to see. For instance ... the last person I dated on line, I really thought we had a future until I met him in person and saw some very big red flags that could not be conveyed until we met.



AlwaysR8chel -> RE: False Sense of Intimacy (4/15/2008 8:26:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mmartiandt

I also know I never would have met her if I wasn't open, honest, and more than a little vulnerable with someone I met online. My advice is to be careful, cautious, discerning, and open to whatever God might have for you. [:)]

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............ This is a huge thing. Both parties being open, honest and vulnerable....

I think online communications fails when one of the parties is a wolf....

Sometimes we want or 'need' a relationship so badly, it's hard to discern or think clearly.

I find it interesting.... Joy and my relationship started mostly with online communications... and now circumstances have changed so that we are able to see each other almost once a week.

Our relationship has grown closer since we've been in human contact.....

I guess what I'm saying in a round about way is that human contact is needed in order to discern if the intimacy is false....

Do you guys agree?



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: False Sense of Intimacy (4/15/2008 8:50:49 AM)

Of course I agree. That's fairly logical. I know that since I have spoke to several people on the phone versus online that our relationship changes and becomes more open...more honest.

Then when I meet someone it changes it even more. There is a stronger connection and more trust is established. I trust Lisa with a lot more since I've met her than I did before I met her, and I still trusted her a lot. The same goes for Michelle. I think I trust her as much as I would as if I had already met her because I know I'm going to meet her so it's not like I have anything to hide. *grin*



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: False Sense of Intimacy (4/15/2008 9:18:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
At the beginning of a romantic relationship, we know so little about each other, and all those things we don't know, we fantasize. We try to fill in those little gaps with our fantasies, and most often than not, we magnify every good qualities of the person to the point of distorting where the relationship is actually at. Our emotions tend to lead at this point which causes us to feel a closeness that might not be backed up by anything concrete. This happens in real life and online. However, online, we spend so much more time fantasizing because we don't know what the person is truly like in person. And as long as there's no face to face meeting, the image of the person in our mind can remain as wonderful and perfect.


i think this is why so many people urge for an initial "meet & greet" sooner rather than later (obviously assuming this is someone local we are talking about). i can definately even see the possibilities of filling the gaps in such a manner that we are disappointed due to our fantasy vs reality (even when nothing is necessarily 'wrong' with reality, it's just that we built up these expectations).



rgod -> RE: False Sense of Intimacy (4/15/2008 1:40:37 PM)

This is an awesome topic - I'm glad that you asked the question. I like the idea of a quick initial meet & greet - but what about if the person is across the country? What have been your experiences?



bootsNspurs_mod -> RE: False Sense of Intimacy (4/18/2008 12:12:49 PM)

quote:

but what about if the person is across the country? What have been your experiences?


About the earlier comment of needing to meet in person to know if the intimacy is false. I don't know if I believe that. There are several people that I've chatted with for an extended period of time that I was/am completely sure that the intimacy is true. Although meeting in peron adds a different dimension to it, and affirms it much more.

About people being across the country... I have chatted with a very good friend for over a year who lives in Germany. Obviously, this presented a problem to the meeting in person thing. Although this in no way is a romantic relationship, let me clarify. But I was very sure of how close we were, and I did get the opportunity to meet her when she was about 3.5 hours from me in February. That was really exciting! I totally trusted her. Was that dumb? Maybe. But because of the amount of things we had talked about, how long we had been talking, and that it was nearly every day for quite a while, I did trust her. And everything worked out. We are probly even that much closer now because there is that different dimension to the friendship.



WaitingforBoaz -> RE: False Sense of Intimacy (4/18/2008 12:20:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bootsNspurs_mod

quote:

but what about if the person is across the country? What have been your experiences?


About the earlier comment of needing to meet in person to know if the intimacy is false. I don't know if I believe that. There are several people that I've chatted with for an extended period of time that I was/am completely sure that the intimacy is true. Although meeting in peron adds a different dimension to it, and affirms it much more.

About people being across the country... I have chatted with a very good friend for over a year who lives in Germany. Obviously, this presented a problem to the meeting in person thing. Although this in no way is a romantic relationship, let me clarify. But I was very sure of how close we were, and I did get the opportunity to meet her when she was about 3.5 hours from me in February. That was really exciting! I totally trusted her. Was that dumb? Maybe. But because of the amount of things we had talked about, how long we had been talking, and that it was nearly every day for quite a while, I did trust her. And everything worked out. We are probly even that much closer now because there is that different dimension to the friendship.


Some people are difficult to read IRL and I consider myself pretty decerning. I can see how being online would make that even more difficult. Some people are an open book IRL. so online it would probably be pretty easy to get to know them. It really depends on the person I think.



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