RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (Full Version)

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small_creation -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 2:33:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rcjames

Hey Groovy, I kinda sorta agree with you here. The OP thinks the Pastor should move on, but wants to maybe act like she doesn't. She is putting herself in a very dicey position.

I will disagree only in the area of you saying this is an unloving move by the board. Since we know nothing of the situation I do not see how we can declare the move by the board unloving or anything else.

Thanks
RC

RC, I was hoping you'd throw your two-cents in. Yes, I felt double-minded about going and talking to her. Yes, I do want them to leave. And going to her today as a shoulder to cry on would make me a hypocrite indeed.

I should have taken the call of duty as chairman's wife to befriend her before everything really hit the fan. Then I could have had some credibility and provided some comfort.

As it stands now, I will not go to her. I will continue to pray for them. God's Will be done...

j



Sadey -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/15/2008 7:06:08 PM)

I love the idea of sending them off with cards of appreciation and gifts cards to help with their move. I think that how a pastor is sent on tells more about the heart and character of a church than most anything else.

One of the blessings of changing churchs is no longer knowing whats going on behind the scenes. Yeah!!! Plus it helps to never ask questions when you feel something is going on[;)]



BibleL7 -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/16/2008 7:50:12 AM)

Seems odd to me that it took the congregation 9 years to figure out that a pastor didnt fit. It seems very sad that the church had not opened their hearts to the pastor and his family in that nine years. Believers are supposed to love fellow believers. Jesus said by this you will know they are my disciples that they love one another. I have seen in larger churches that some of the congregation may not of been close to the Pastor and family but absolutely the other leaders were very close to the pastor and family. In smaller congregations it is much easier for all to have a close loving relationship with all members and leaders. Just my opinion but it seems it is a shame to the church that anybody would be part of the body for a length of time and not have many friends. Where was the love in those years that the congregation would not encourage the pastor and help him to be a good fit. Why was not the board there counseling him and praying with him for all the 9 years.

Being a pastor is much more than a nine to five job it means caring about the flock, caring for the flock, feeding and eating with the flock, guiding and leading the flock, and if need be disciplining the flock, protecting the flock. If this is not being done then it should not take 9 years to figure that out.

Being part of the body is not just a give up a couple hours every Sunday and fellowship with those that I like or can help in business. Just as the Word says it is becoming part of the body. If you are part of the body then you are not disjointed from any others part but one part needs and depends on the other part. True that you cant get to know everybody but you should more than know several. Being a part of the congregation means caring for, praying for, and loving on other members and especially the leadership. We may be a small church but we love our pastor and leaders and we show love and welcome new comers many new comers may not like the fact that we preach and teach only the Word and are not a country club or a just a membership to add to your resume. We as believers share in suffering, encourage to truth and provoke to love and that takes getting involved with others who yes are sinners just as we are and sometimes the most miserable people we are ever to come in contact with. Being a follower of Christ means we will go though trials and tribulations and be hated by the world, but we do this with the help of Our Heavenly Father, Lord Jesus, and especially the Holy Spirit and where do we find the Holy Spirit but in fellow believers.

This thread saddens me and makes me wonder if there is a church that this man is pastoring or is it just a club. As for the trying to befriend the pastor's wife why was that not something you tried 9 years ago?

Just the opinion of a small town preacher



small_creation -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/16/2008 9:53:10 AM)

Bible L7, I appreciate the time you took to write out your thoughts on the comments you were reading. It truly is my hope that we are not just a club, but a true fellowship of believers. We show many fruits, especially in the way of missions and children fellowship. Of course, it's been made clear that pastor thinks it's all us, and we think pastor is the thorn in our sides. I realize it goes both ways, but we really need to separate. Pastor should understand that one. He has seen several dissolutions in his life -- a daughter, a wife, and a church.

I've just erased about a dozen paragraphs explaining our situation...it feels like complaining and gossip, and what I really want is advice from someone who feels a call to help, someone who may have witnessed a messy pastoral change before. Please contact me via email if you feel led to do so.

Please don't chastise me for what I feel -- we hurt!

j



lightshineon -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/16/2008 5:55:05 PM)

Do you care for her? Has she ever touched your life. Just tell her that. "I care for you, and thank you for touching my life with your service."



Memaw. -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/17/2008 1:06:21 AM)

I have been reading this and up till now haven't been led to post anything.

But now I do.

Could you be sensing the prompting of the Holy Spirit to go to the PW and ask for forgiveness?
Just a thought.



hjemerson -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/17/2008 10:15:38 AM)

All Thngs done with Pray! I would write a note of encougement to both pastor and wife thanking them for beening strong in the Lord and praise the good things you have seen thur the years, Let them know you have been praying for them and will will be praying as the days a head may be driffernt , for all in involed. But as this will come to past I pray all who were involed will be come stronger in a pray life and seek the Lords will before you let 9 years of a pastor go thue a troble time. It may be you that can start a pray chain to encourage each and evey worker of the church. Beening a Worship leader wife it is so great to know peole are praying for my hubby and our family daily. I do hope the Lord has been in all this activity and the pastor and family will move on before the bitterness set in, It is alway easier to depart even if it may mean a few months out of a church postion to heal than to leave on hurt and broken feeling. I am sure by now the pastor and family have been seeking the Lords place for them and at time they may just need to seek a place of rest before contiong in the Work.



small_creation -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/19/2008 3:59:43 PM)

Thank you all for your inputs. What did happen was 1) pastor was asked to resign, and has; and 2) because of these boards and discussing my thoughts with hubby, I have not talked personally with her yet. 3) I did think to call the one friend of hers I knew would be able to reach out (she lives far away from our community now).

On Sunday there will be a note in her mailbox, telling her I am sorry for the pain and disarry their familiy must be feeling now. Also will say I am praying for a smooth transition to their new destination.

When moving day draws near, hopefully the bridges that exist will allow us to come together in a sort of fellowship we never had. At that time I will have composed my thoughts better to write she and her husband a more meaningful note.

Thanks again for your thoughtful words.

j



funny_girl -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/19/2008 5:39:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: small_creation

Thank you all for your inputs. What did happen was 1) pastor was asked to resign, and has; and 2) because of these boards and discussing my thoughts with hubby, I have not talked personally with her yet. 3) I did think to call the one friend of hers I knew would be able to reach out (she lives far away from our community now).

On Sunday there will be a note in her mailbox, telling her I am sorry for the pain and disarry their familiy must be feeling now. Also will say I am praying for a smooth transition to their new destination.

When moving day draws near, hopefully the bridges that exist will allow us to come together in a sort of fellowship we never had. At that time I will have composed my thoughts better to write she and her husband a more meaningful note.

Thanks again for your thoughtful words.

j



I think this note would add coals to the fire. Giving her a blessing would be more beneficial in my opinion.

for example:

Dear Pastor and Family,

The steps of the righteous are ordered of the Lord. I pray that the Lord bless you and your family. May He prosper you in all that your hand finds to do as you shine for His glory. May the Lord keep you from danger and harm. May He send His angels to guard your hearts and mind.

In His Love,

small_creation family



pbaribeault -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/19/2008 7:12:31 PM)

Definitely agree about the positive-farewell note rather than the sympathy note.



small_creation -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/19/2008 8:16:15 PM)

Lori, can I just copy it and sign my name? I'm spent, and I agree with the tone of the sentiment. Nice note.

j



funny_girl -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/19/2008 9:52:03 PM)

Absolutely! It's just a suggestion. You want them to go out in a good/positive way. You'll be blessed because of it and so will they!



countrypreacherman -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/20/2008 9:33:13 PM)

I realize this comes too late but after reading this thread I just have to say that this is all too familiar sounding to me. What I hear in this post is an unwillingness on both sides to forgive for the sake of the common good.The statement "we think pastor is the thorn in our sides" makes me imagine a scene where "we" got together and listed our gripes and decided one of "us" has to go.And since we all know "we"were here long before pastor was,guess which one is going to go?
Seems incredulous to me that it would come to this after 9 years of service.
Just a humble preacher's opinion.

quote:

Of course, it's been made clear that pastor thinks it's all us, and we think pastor is the thorn in our sides. I realize it goes both ways, but we really need to separate. Pastor should understand that one. He has seen several dissolutions in his life -- a daughter, a wife, and a church.



small_creation -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/21/2008 11:40:43 AM)

1 Timothy 2 gives me an idea of what our pastor should have been capable of. Our congregation IS SPIRITUALLY STARVING!!!! We need someone to be an example to us, so that WE will not fall into the devil's trap. That it took us nine years to ask him to leave may very well prove our meekness.

I realize that many of you on the "ministry leaders" forums may have been treated poorly by your congregations, but you've got to realize that the road travels both ways.

It's hard for me to believe that as a congregation, we should turn the other cheek to the pastor until he kills us.

Are we ever to hold each other accountable? This pastor was talked to several times about questionable ethics and behavior before he was asked to resign.

Any direction to other forum threads that may have discussed something like this, I would sincerely appreciate, as this discussion no longer revolves around the original thread question.

j



BibleL7 -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/22/2008 11:57:40 PM)

Sorry if you think many ministers of the Gospel are treated poorly by congregations. I for one have never been treated poorly by the congregations, only by those who do not wish to follow the Lord.

I would guess you did however put up with a poor pastor if he did not explain to you the meaning of meekness. I would say you very much used the wrong word there.

Just the opinion of a small town preacher



Roberta_ -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/23/2008 12:15:09 AM)

In 2001 I was living in Indiana. Our pastor was asked to step down. I was saddened by the whole thing, but it was something that had to be done. I feel for anyone who is in this situation. Very painful all the way around.



still4gvn -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/28/2008 1:33:26 PM)

I was in a church where the new pastor started making rather unwise changes and not being forthcoming about some issues. After half the church left and his salary had to be cut, he left. We all felt sorry for his wife. She was a real nice lady and we suspected he wasn't treating her that well. I still feel sad that I didn't speak with her, but didn't know how to say 'we love you but are glad your husband is leaving.'



small_creation -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/28/2008 4:46:28 PM)

Thank you all for the thoughtful replies and encouragement. Some time has passed and I was able to navigate the sticky situation with help of the holy spirit and YOU :)

It's comforting to know that others have been in the same situation and have come out of it with their dignity, sense of humor, and compassion intact.

Pastor and family are here for another month and a half. Hubby is busy contemplating and dealing with questions from the congregation. It's a little rocky right now, but we are confident this is Spirit led action, and we're getting through it with some good talks, tears and prayers.

j



pstrdebi -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/29/2008 6:52:26 PM)

Gosh... I just don't know how to receive this.

1st of all... I agree with others that your husband was wrong in devulging any information what-so-ever.

2nd... is this GOD'S plan? Is God asking them to leave? You were pretty vague regarding the reason your church is asking them to leave. Are they in sin or is it that the congregation just can't undergird them.

I believe this is a huge problem in the church today.... Many churches think that they are suppose to hire a pastor to carry out THIER vision. That is soooo wrong.

GOD places pastors where HE desires them with HIS vision. It is the congregations responsibility to get behind thier pastors God given vision, uphold him or her, undergird them, PRAY for them, help them... etc.

Additionaly, be careful in calling yourself double-minded. God talks about blessings and curses.

If you want to do something... then admonish the board to keep private matters, private.

Blessings to you and your pastors....
Pastor Debi



Roberta_ -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (4/30/2008 1:34:23 AM)

Hi pstrdebi and welcome!



pstrdebi -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (5/1/2008 1:01:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DenimDiva

Hi pstrdebi and welcome!



Hi... and thank you...

Be Blessed....
Pastor Debi



pbaribeault -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (5/2/2008 3:44:55 PM)

quote:

I believe this is a huge problem in the church today.... Many churches think that they are suppose to hire a pastor to carry out THIER vision. That is soooo wrong.

GOD places pastors where HE desires them with HIS vision. It is the congregations responsibility to get behind thier pastors God given vision, uphold him or her, undergird them, PRAY for them, help them... etc.
I'm not sure why God would not give His vision to all the people involved in a ministry. It seems a bit insulting to imply that a congregation can not or should not have a vision from God. Rather, I think every believer should be following God's lead in their life and ministry.



pstrdebi -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (5/2/2008 6:57:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pbaribeault

quote:

I believe this is a huge problem in the church today.... Many churches think that they are suppose to hire a pastor to carry out THIER vision. That is soooo wrong.

GOD places pastors where HE desires them with HIS vision. It is the congregations responsibility to get behind thier pastors God given vision, uphold him or her, undergird them, PRAY for them, help them... etc.


I'm not sure why God would not give His vision to all the people involved in a ministry. It seems a bit insulting to imply that a congregation can not or should not have a vision from God. Rather, I think every believer should be following God's lead in their life and ministry.


Well, I never said that the way that you are implying I said it. I did not say that the church shouldn't have vision, or that some churches actually 'work together' as designed, but it is a well known fact among those in ministry that that is in a perfect world. I apologize if I insulted you... but you have kinda twisted what I said.

I could do the same with:

quote:


Rather, I think every believer should be following God's lead in their life and ministry.


What if every believer, feeling that they are following God's lead, all go running in different directions within the church. The pastor comes along and says, "hey, let's all get organized." All the believers say, "I don't need to, God has given me a plan and I'm following it." They decide, "This pastor is too controlling." and he's out.

You may be thinking that's far fetched, but I can assure you from seeing other pastors going through similar situations, this REALLY happens.

God has given order all throughout the Word; God-Christ-Man-Woman (1 Cor 11:3), God-Christ-Church-Man-Woman (Eph 5:22), God-Christ-Elders-Church (1 Timothy 5:17-25)

In order to have order and to see vision's fullfilled, we must follow order. As I said, God places pastors in their positions... to shepherd their flock. That is their job... and God is going to give HIS vision for that church to the pastor... and the same vision to a select few of the body that HE chooses. Throughout the Old Testemant there is story after story of the consequences people suffered because they did not "get behind" the vision God placed in their leader. Everything else comes in succession after that. ie: The Pastor has the vision of the church being set apart for outreach. The church follows suite, then God gives the worship pastor a vision for outreach concerts at 4th of July, or gives the Childrens director vision for outreach VBS, etc. But it should begin with the pastor.

Otherwise... you begin to run into Jezebel!

After Peter exhorts the pastors to shepherd their flock in 1 Peter 5, verse 5 says, "Likewise you younger people, submit to your elders..." this is directed to the church.

God Bless...
Pastor Debi



pbaribeault -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (5/3/2008 3:12:16 PM)

There is a difference between feeling that one is following God's will, and actually following God's will. People (pastors and non-pastors alike) are susceptible to this failing. A pastor making this mistake in a situation where everyone is "supposed to get behind their pastor" has a lot of potential for deep damage. An average person doing it just leads to some disorganization and a few personal ministry flops.

I also feel that there is a difference between orderliness (with the concept of true leadership and trust/submission) and authoritative hierarchy.

And I disagree about your placement-and-selction concept as a basis for the giving of vision. What are the un-selected people supposed to do with their lives? Be lemmings? That doesn't sound abundant. In my opinion, anybody who is not hearing God's vision for their life and ministry (including their Church) is not listening (and is in need of shepherding).

In the OT the leaders were the only ones with the Sprint and/or vision, therefore such a system makes sense in a way that does not apply to a community of believers on the same spiritual footing.

... But we ate SOOO off topic. If you reply, I'll try not to take the bait. Really. I will.



pstrdebi -> RE: Talk to pastor's wife??? (5/4/2008 10:38:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pbaribeault

1.) There is a difference between feeling that one is following God's will, and actually following God's will. People (pastors and non-pastors alike) are susceptible to this failing. A pastor making this mistake in a situation where everyone is "supposed to get behind their pastor" has a lot of potential for deep damage. An average person doing it just leads to some disorganization and a few personal ministry flops.

2.) I also feel that there is a difference between orderliness (with the concept of true leadership and trust/submission) and authoritative hierarchy.

3.) And I disagree about your placement-and-selction concept as a basis for the giving of vision. What are the un-selected people supposed to do with their lives? Be lemmings? That doesn't sound abundant. In my opinion, anybody who is not hearing God's vision for their life and ministry (including their Church) is not listening (and is in need of shepherding).

4.) In the OT the leaders were the only ones with the Sprint and/or vision, therefore such a system makes sense in a way that does not apply to a community of believers on the same spiritual footing.

... But we ate SOOO off topic. If you reply, I'll try not to take the bait. Really. I will.


OK, Ok... I reeaaalllyy tried hard not to click that reply button.
(I numbered your comments) a

nd to #1... Just the same as if my husband makes a decission, and I do not neccesarily agree... however, I am submissive to his authority and the order that God put in place... I will bow to his decission. If the pastor, the one in authority... makes a bad decission... then it's on the pastor. But the congregation will be correct before God by being submissive to his authority. I am not saying that the church should stand by and let him make a huge damageing decission on his own... I guess that is why some churches have boards. However... the board should not rule the pastor. But that is still another thread in and of itself. I've seen boards make really damageing decissions.

#2... I believe that God given order and authoritive heirarchy as you put it, are one in the same.

#3... That is silly... and hugely exagerated. You know, there is that little thing called "delegation" and "volunteers"... You know that there are many under the leadership of the Worship pastor, or the CED, or the Women's ministry or the Men's ministry or the youth pastor... etc, etc.

#4... If you have a church where everyone is on the same spiritual footing... send us all the address so we can visit! If everyone there has got it all together and 'arrived' then you are truly a blessed person. Cuz out here in the real world... that doesn't happen.

Which brings us back ON TOPIC.... the member of the board from the OP was truly out of line in devulging private info... and so is the wife by getting involved BEFORE the fact. They don't know what God is going to do and should have kept quiet.

God bles you pbaribeault... please don't take offence at my opinions.
Pastor Debi



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