Why Don't I Feel Welcome When I Walk Into A Church? (Full Version)

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one_guy -> Why Don't I Feel Welcome When I Walk Into A Church? (4/15/2008 9:33:08 PM)

I've struggled with this since I was a child. I've never felt welcome in a church. I mean I should feel welcome. I'm a nice guy to be around and I'm sincere and genuine. My co-workers love me. My neighbors love me. My wife and dog love me. Why doesn't the church?

I've never really acted differently while at church - I mean I'm just myself. Just another Joe. I've been in small groups before and longed for a deep connection with my fellow smaller group friends but that's never happened.

I've actually been out of the church loop for about a year now. I'm deeply conflicted about it. I've only been married and living in the US for a few years and I want to put some good solid roots down with Christians. My last church experience... well.. I went to the church for about a year and was involved with a small group for most of that time. I never really developed a closeness with any one of them though. I believe that the purpose of a small group is to study the Word but also to develop a close bond with each other (as you can't develop that in a church of 2,000 attendees on Sunday morning). So, the one side of me wants to dig in and take another chance.... because maybe it'll finally be the charm. The only side of me just wants to say forget it. I've been disappointed so many times (going waaaay back to my childhood experiences with church). I love God with all of my heart.... I just struggle with how to relate to some of his people.

Again... I am not anti-social. I am not a hard-to-get-along-with person. I'm just liked everywhere but church. And I'm sad about that.



SonInMe1 -> RE: Why Don't I Feel Welcome When I Walk Into A Church? (4/15/2008 9:42:12 PM)

Do you go to church naked or sumptin?

Take a shower before you go, put on deoderant?

I understand not liking the church experience. I go to a small group too and understand the surface nature of it. It seems more social than fellowship but I am not terribly social so I might have different experiences.

Could be perception too. Why do you go to church? When the subject of why people chose my church comes up its usually because they liked the music or how they were greeted at the door. To me, these are superficial reasons. To me, its the sermon and what it says primarily. Secondly it is a place to serve....hopefully God.

I am not sure church is there for us. It is in many ways, no doubt but I don't think its the primary concern. Our primary concern should always be God, and then others.



one_guy -> RE: Why Don't I Feel Welcome When I Walk Into A Church? (4/15/2008 9:45:19 PM)

Of course I have a shower before I go to church! If I was a filthy person with a bad attitude then my neighbors, friends and wife probably would have a problem with that.

This is only a church problem. I am well liked everywhere else.

I think you're right too... I do find a lot of things at church to be superficial. And I'm a real person who longs for real connections with people. Maybe that's my problem.

I think that church is more then just a place to meet God too. I can meet God right here in my recliner right now. I think that the Bible is clear about having Christian fellowship - that is one purpose of church. That is the part I'm missing too.



colliefan -> RE: Why Don't I Feel Welcome When I Walk Into A Church? (4/15/2008 9:49:20 PM)

Could your view of church cloud what is taking place? A perceived slight may be nothing more than not hearing or seeing you.



ta_mosquito -> RE: Why Don't I Feel Welcome When I Walk Into A Church? (4/15/2008 9:49:26 PM)

Do you have deep connections with people outside church? It could still be perception - you could very well be well-liked in church, too, but you think you're not because you don't have the deep relationship.

I don't have deep relationships with folks in church, either - but I also don't have them outside church. I've just never been a "bosom friend" kind of gal.



one_guy -> RE: Why Don't I Feel Welcome When I Walk Into A Church? (4/15/2008 9:52:28 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: colliefan

Could your view of church cloud what is taking place? A perceived slight may be nothing more than not hearing or seeing you.



You have a valid point. And I can't honestly disagree with you either. That may not be helping my situation either.



one_guy -> RE: Why Don't I Feel Welcome When I Walk Into A Church? (4/15/2008 9:55:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ta_mosquito

Do you have deep connections with people outside church? It could still be perception - you could very well be well-liked in church, too, but you think you're not because you don't have the deep relationship.

I don't have deep relationships with folks in church, either - but I also don't have them outside church. I've just never been a "bosom friend" kind of gal.


Well, I have had deep connections with people outside of church in the past but since moving here to the US I'm kinda starting over. I guess if I had to pick ... I'd say that I'd rather have a deep connection with a Christian then a non-Christian. Why? Because Christianity is important to me. It's a part of who I am. For that reason, I don't think I could have as deep of a connection with a non-Christian as I could with a Christian. I guess that's why I so badly want a deep connection with Christians.

Part of it is my temperament. I'm not a superficial or fake person. I search for real things and real people. I understand that not everyone is like that - and I accept that. But can't I find at least one person in a church who is like that?



jbow -> RE: Why Don't I Feel Welcome When I Walk Into A Church? (4/15/2008 9:59:20 PM)

I am the same way in a small group. They all seem to bond and want to be there and I just want to go home. Small groups are not for everyone. You are not under some obligation to anyone. You need to do what you are comfortable with. Go on Sunday morning only if that is what you want. Stay out of the small group. do not let this continue to be a problem. Go to church with an eye towards doing your part, toward helping someone else.
Most churches have clics. Find one that does not. I am now in a small Calvary Chapel and there are no clics... I love it but after a year and a half there I have never been to a Wednesday service. Never been to a men's fellowship... only to Sunday morning service. I now play on the worship team, I am involved.. but only to my comfort level... maybe you should do the same. Keep trying until you find a comfortable church, try a CC church. ??

J



maddog4god -> RE: Why Don't I Feel Welcome When I Walk Into A Church? (4/15/2008 10:09:04 PM)

I think it might be perception - for example if you are nagged by the state of your walk (a "you" thing - how you perceive yourself) you may feel like everyone there thinks they are better then you. It's VERY easy to project how we feel about ourselves onto other people.

Could it be cultural differences?

It is always best if you find yourself having the same experience over and over to look at yourself as the common denominator.

Not picking on you, just sharing my experience.



angels1203 -> RE: Why Don't I Feel Welcome When I Walk Into A Church? (4/15/2008 10:13:46 PM)

sorry to even have to say this it has a lot to do w/ the pastor and his wife the ppl take there cue from the pastor and his wife.



GregandJenny -> RE: Why Don't I Feel Welcome When I Walk Into A Church? (4/15/2008 10:38:51 PM)

I guess I have a couple of questions. first where are you from like before the USofA and I guess the second is what are you doing to cultivate the relationships with people in your church or small group.

I don't think it's fair to require someone to take the first step to starting or building a relationship if we ourselves won't take the first step either.


G



Liveloved -> RE: Why Don't I Feel Welcome When I Walk Into A Church? (4/15/2008 10:42:06 PM)

quote:

Part of it is my temperament. I'm not a superficial or fake person. I search for real things and real people. I understand that not everyone is like that - and I accept that. But can't I find at least one person in a church who is like that?


Based on the things you are sharing (and since we know nothing beyond that), I'm wondering if you aren't perceived as 'threatening' because of your desire to be 'real' rather than superficial. Superficial is more comfortable and that is why most people never move beyond it. There is a comfort level, a mask, that most people wear and never take off and that is no different at church. It is, however, the very work that Jesus longs to do in each of us---to get us to take off the masks and be real.

That is what the word 'hypocrite' means---wearing a mask as an actor. And if you know Jesus, you know what He had to say about hypocrisy.

The church is made up of all kinds of people and many of them are not true believers and many others have masks they're afraid to take off. We don't want to be truly known so we hide, posture, cover up and disguise our real selves. Men love darkness and even believing men run and hide in darkness.

Don't give up on the church. Jesus didn't find men who understood or stood with Him either. But He continued on and continues to intercede for us today. Look to Jesus and take your courage from Him. Bless you, bro![:)]



hebrews12-2 -> RE: Why Don't I Feel Welcome When I Walk Into A Church? (4/15/2008 11:44:59 PM)

Hi One_guy!

I can relate to your post, I've had very few what I would call close friends within church and have moved around a bit so I know what it is like to join a new fellowship. I'm not sure what you mean by temperament, but I'm guessing could be a bit like me. Not the guy who will dominate the conversation, doesn't really enjoy too much small talk, somewhat laid back and as a phlegmatic, can pretty much be anyone's friend maybe with the exception of the highly opinionated choleric types. That's why everyone gets along with you. My ancestral roots are from Canada so maybe that is another similarity. :-)

So, here's my first observation/pondering moment: you mentioned that you went to a small group and never really connected. Was that small group a fairly established one?

Here's what I'm thinking from my own experience, my family moved to a new area about 5 years ago, we were anxious to get connected and so we made some effort to get involved with a group at our new church. The people that we ended up with had been friends for some years and we never totally felt like we were at the same relational level some of the others were at. We were always invited to functions and it wasn't like we weren't necessarily left out, but we (my wife more than I) never felt like we were building any strong relationships.

As time has gone on, we think that group could be considered a clique but I guess I will still make the point that friendships develop over time, and it can be very discouraging if you compare your connection level with someone you have known for a short time as compared to friends who have known each other for years. About 6 months ago, we joined a small group that had just formed and we could really see the difference in this respect.

On a similar note, in the last year or so I've been developing some relationships with a few other guys, but it is not an overnight process. I have to be intentional and move beyond just the meeting times of a service or small group meeting. I've exchanged numbers with some guys and call them, meet with them for coffee/lunch and invest in the relationship. I really believe that is what it takes to get to the kind of fellowship that you and I are looking for.

I think someone made a good point about being too forward. Not everyone is ready to be "real" today, but if they get to know you, find they can trust you, etc, then that might happen in time. I'll say what I keep telling my wife, don't look for a homerun during your first time at bat, just try to get to first base; homeruns aren't common in life.

Be encouraged and don't give up.



ManimalX -> RE: Why Don't I Feel Welcome When I Walk Into A Church? (4/16/2008 12:48:06 AM)

Hey, one_guy, where are you from and where do you live now? You sound like my kind of people. I cannot be superficial. I hate small talk and am horrible at it, as I would rather talk about substantial issues, which most people either cannot follow or don't want to. Unfortunately most people only want to talk about the latest godless movie or tv show. Sorry, not particularly interested!



one_guy -> RE: Why Don't I Feel Welcome When I Walk Into A Church? (4/16/2008 7:35:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbow

I am the same way in a small group. They all seem to bond and want to be there and I just want to go home. Small groups are not for everyone. You are not under some obligation to anyone. You need to do what you are comfortable with. Go on Sunday morning only if that is what you want. Stay out of the small group. do not let this continue to be a problem. Go to church with an eye towards doing your part, toward helping someone else.
Most churches have clics. Find one that does not. I am now in a small Calvary Chapel and there are no clics... I love it but after a year and a half there I have never been to a Wednesday service. Never been to a men's fellowship... only to Sunday morning service. I now play on the worship team, I am involved.. but only to my comfort level... maybe you should do the same. Keep trying until you find a comfortable church, try a CC church. ??

J


I do appreciate that advice. And I think that it makes sense too.



one_guy -> RE: Why Don't I Feel Welcome When I Walk Into A Church? (4/16/2008 7:37:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: angels1203

sorry to even have to say this it has a lot to do w/ the pastor and his wife the ppl take there cue from the pastor and his wife.


Hmmm... maybe sometimes. I actually had nothing against the pastor and his wife at the last church that I went to though.



one_guy -> RE: Why Don't I Feel Welcome When I Walk Into A Church? (4/16/2008 7:48:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GregandJenny

I guess I have a couple of questions. first where are you from like before the USofA and I guess the second is what are you doing to cultivate the relationships with people in your church or small group.

I don't think it's fair to require someone to take the first step to starting or building a relationship if we ourselves won't take the first step either.


G


I am from Southern Ontario, Canada. I look and talk like an American. My Immigration petition was expedited because I was obviously profiled (in a good way). If you didn't know otherwise, you'd never know that I wasn't an American by birth. The only cultural difference I've had to get used to is the fact that they don't have fries at Taco Bell and KFC down here - big deal.

After many months of being in my last small group I pulled the leaders aside and told them I wanted to get to know them and others in the group on a deeper level. I would say that I took the first step then, wouldn't you? I think they may have 'said' that was a good idea but I believe that the reality is that they were more interested in 'studying the Bible' and growing the group. And when nothing changed for a few months after that I began to question why I was even bothering anymore to be a part of the small group.

Before anyone slams me for not thinking 'studying the Bible' is important then let me say that I didn't say that. I'm just saying that part of the purpose of a small group (I believe) is to grow closer to each other. Doesn't the pastor 'study the Bible' with everyone corporately on Sunday morning? For accountability, friendship and supportive reasons and bible study small groups exist. How can you know if your fellow small grouper beside you is going through a rough time in his life if you only see him once a week to study the book of Matthew for 2 hours? The pastor isn't going to notice either because he's got 2000 other people in his church. The only way that many people aren't going to fall through the cracks in the church is if they get involved in a small group and open up to some people.

Folks... I believe that small group members have a responsibility to each other. Maybe I'm wrong about that and if I am then that's fine. I guess I just don't have to be a part of a small group if I'm asking for so much.



one_guy -> RE: Why Don't I Feel Welcome When I Walk Into A Church? (4/16/2008 7:53:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ManimalX

Hey, one_guy, where are you from and where do you live now? You sound like my kind of people. I cannot be superficial. I hate small talk and am horrible at it, as I would rather talk about substantial issues, which most people either cannot follow or don't want to. Unfortunately most people only want to talk about the latest godless movie or tv show. Sorry, not particularly interested!


I'm from Ontario, Canada and I now reside in Springfield, Illinois. I understand that not everyone can relate to what I'm saying. You obviously can which is nice. But, some people are just not deep people. I think that's something that us deep people just have to accept. But deep people crave deep friendships because that's who they are. They can't be faulted for that.



maddog4god -> RE: Why Don't I Feel Welcome When I Walk Into A Church? (4/16/2008 8:11:48 PM)

Ahhh so much clearer now - gotcha.

Our church has "official assigned small groups" and they do provide a functionality to the church. It is a huge church so like if you end in up in a coma or something the church will be notified. I can "do" those groups okay - not high on my list, but that's okay - I am an odd bird so to speak.

the best small group EVER?

God made a group of us - about six or eight people - we called it the "Unofficial group" ha ha since it was not sanctioned (and my church doesn't roll like that but you know what I mean) - it was not an assigned group. We had a blast - we were real (and even ugly sometimes). It was so awesome. We're rather disbanded at the moment so we're not meeting - all our lives tried to eat us, but we are all still close and what not.

Why not start your own? Sometimes what man sets up is not for you.

Sometimes when you have a legitmate complaint about the church that really bothers - it's because God wants you to do something about it :D

You could call your small group - NOT superficial or something catchy :D



GregandJenny -> RE: Why Don't I Feel Welcome When I Walk Into A Church? (4/17/2008 12:45:17 AM)

quote:

I'm just saying that part of the purpose of a small group (I believe) is to grow closer to each other. Doesn't the pastor 'study the Bible' with everyone corporately on Sunday morning? For accountability, friendship and supportive reasons and bible study small groups exist. How can you know if your fellow small grouper beside you is going through a rough time in his life if you only see him once a week to study the book of Matthew for 2 hours? The pastor isn't going to notice either because he's got 2000 other people in his church. The only way that many people aren't going to fall through the cracks in the church is if they get involved in a small group and open up to some people.

Folks... I believe that small group members have a responsibility to each other. Maybe I'm wrong about that and if I am then that's fine. I guess I just don't have to be a part of a small group if I'm asking for so much.


I agree. I lead a young adult small group and I desperately would like for people to have deep relationships, but as I have learned it is hard. People are scared because they don't want to get hurt. Stay faithful and deep relationships will grow.

G



buckifn -> RE: Why Don't I Feel Welcome When I Walk Into A Church? (4/17/2008 10:03:45 AM)

Have you and your wife considered inviting 2 or 3 other couples into your home for a group meeting, Bible study, social time, or something of that nature?

I think 2 things are important for you to remember. 1. God places those in the body as He sees fit and we all have specific functions 2. To be a friend one must be friendly. That means getting out of our comfort zone and reaching out



hjemerson -> RE: Why Don't I Feel Welcome When I Walk Into A Church? (4/17/2008 11:06:29 AM)

Well at least you are open! Think and pray about seeking another church look and pray the people you meet at the door or in a group is not all the church is about but I understand the what you are saying. the ideal of you and your family start to invite other that you see over I sure other feel the same way that is the way many new church get stared Seek out the People you want to be friends with (men seen to have a hard time in forming deep friend ship) Maybe talk and visit a church with one of you co-workers that gives you a easy door opener. If you are in a small group and you not getting what you need after you have tryed and prayed many timed it may be a way to move on .Seek out a project maybe to be part of as a mission team . try out new ideal of worship. I could never just go one day a week for one service how can you be part of any thing like that. Frist of all stay close to tthe Lord but you need to walk in Faith with other and that is a job but the Blessing are so great!!



jn1010lf -> RE: Why Don't I Feel Welcome When I Walk Into A Church? (4/17/2008 2:53:56 PM)

Hello one_guy

I suspect that your uneasiness with church may stem from your childhood. What type of church did you attend as a child. There are actually some that may have all their doctrines right but are hateful just the same. then again, it would be interesting to know what you dad thought of church when you attended as a child.

There is also a great deal of relevance about what kind of relationship you had with your dad. How we view our earthly fathers has a direct bearing on how we regard our heavenly Father.

Let's turn now the the kind of church you were and are curretnly involved in. Do you see the love of the Lord in the people you associate with? Would you consider them to be free? Do they have joy? Would you want to hang out with the kind of Jesus they portray?

Somewhere in these two aspects I mentioned lies you difficulty with church. Ask the Lord and see what he reveals to you.



oldmethuselah -> FIVE REASONS for Not Feeling Chuch-Welcome (4/17/2008 4:48:46 PM)

There are SEVERAL reasons why you don't feel welcome in church...

1) your Gucci handbag is last year's model and your car costs less than $40,000

2) your looks are not well-favoured

3) your skin is the wrong colour

4) you are actively involved in a sin which is too precious to give up, and THIS particular church seems to think there should be some relation between the way you live your life and what you say you believe

5) this church keeps implying that buildings, programs and salaries for the personnel who take care of your kids during midweek and weekend programs, while you are out golfing, cost money, and KEEP expecting some support for you


NOW, JUST BEFORE you think the above examples are OVER THE TOP ridiculous PARODIES... you should know that they are based on REAL cases and only SLIGHTLY exaggerated for effect.

Of course REASONS number one to three highlight NO FAULT on your part and terrible tragedies modern churches perpetrate

REASONS number four and five imply a very tangible need for "you" to examine "your" own expectations (and the "you", in this case, is not personal to the OP but, rather, a GENERAL reasons given by some)

Such is the sad state of thing we call "CHURCH" - fortunately there are OTHERS that are genuine, and if you go with a good heart open to work with other imperfect humans, you will find fellowship.



tapestry -> RE: Why Don't I Feel Welcome When I Walk Into A Church? (4/17/2008 5:14:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: one_guy

I've struggled with this since I was a child. I've never felt welcome in a church. I mean I should feel welcome. I'm a nice guy to be around and I'm sincere and genuine. My co-workers love me. My neighbors love me. My wife and dog love me. Why doesn't the church?


I am the same. Over my lifetime I have only had 2 people I could refer to as close, soulmate type friends. There have been other close friends, not many, but some. None of them have been from the church I attended. The church I attend right now, there is not anyone I even hang out with or meet occasionally for tea. I have had people over to my house, but it never went past that.
I am involved at church, drive the Sunday school bus, attend meetings, tithe, etc. I talk to lots of folks on Sunday mornings and even occasionally during the week.
Why then do I not have any close friends at church? I really cannot answer that one, I do not know why.



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