RE: Would it be inappropriate? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Life] >> Marriage



Message

karlie -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/18/2008 8:06:00 PM)

quote:

iliveforjc your step kids need to understand the concept in marriage. God first, spouse and then kids.

I fail to see how a father attending an event honoring his son is putting him above his wife. It's one event...a couple of hours that should be celebrated by both parents being there.
Just because a couple are a team and a unit doesn't mean they are attached at the hip and have to go everyplace the other does. Attending one event to honor his son is not going to destroy a marriage or the bond between them. All petty adult issues should be set aside for the child on his special night.

Maybe there are reasons we don't know about why he chose not to have his step mom and mother together at the same dinner. I know in my extended family, it's asking for unplanned fireworks to have a particular step parent at the same event with the birth parent.

quote:

You and your husband should take him out to nice restaurant and celebrate his achievement. He'll get the picture that you two are a team. He will probably in future try to include you

I think that's very unrealistic. Chances are much more likely he will resent her even more for preventing his father from being there for him, and the resentment will most likely trickle down to his father for allowing it.



ChoirDJ -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/18/2008 8:19:39 PM)

I totally agree with csl7037.

I think your husband made the wrong choice and you missed an opportunity to help him make the right one in allowing that phone call to end the way it did. This could have perhaps turned the tide and made for a better relaitonship between you, your husband, and his son in the long run. Your husband should not have to feel he has to choose between his son (who was in the picture long before you were) and you. The fact that your husband felt a need to appease you hints as to his concern about how your own insecurity would have caused you to "punish" him had he chose to go without you. You are undermining your husband's and your relationship with his son. If this is any indication of how you've have done things in the past (excuse my bluntness) then I can better understand why you possibly weren't invited.



karlie -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/18/2008 8:21:51 PM)

Meeow,

Please email Community@salemwebnetwork.com concerning the status of your account. Please allow time for a response. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Karlie
Forums Moderator



ChoirDJ -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/18/2008 8:25:54 PM)

Just read your post Meoow and you're out to lunch on this one.



ilive4jc -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/18/2008 8:48:19 PM)

I don't appreciate some of the comments made. I feel like I'm being attacked. Being told to (grow up, suck up, and shut up) is not very nice.

I'm going to pray about this situation and let God help me. He knows what's best.



Sadey -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/18/2008 8:48:37 PM)

If the spouse always come first, as some say then what do you do with children from a first marriage? Are they disposable? Its not a contest to see who love who most.
This young man if a freshman is 14 or 15 years old not an adult and he is not purposely excluding you only asking his parents, his sister and two teachers and I imagine these teachers had a big hand in the award he is getting.

Please don't insult him by telling him you'll take him out for a special dinner some other time. Thats rubbling salt in the wound and dismission of his pain and his place in his dad's life.

I'm sorry your husband took the easy way out.
I hope this works out okay and hope you let your stepson have his moment in the sun.



ilive4jc -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/18/2008 9:13:46 PM)

quote:

You are undermining your husband's and your relationship with his son. If this is any indication of how you've have done things in the past (excuse my bluntness) then I can better understand why you possibly weren't invited.


No I have not done things in the past that would undermine his relationship with his son. His son is insensitive towards me. He hardly talks to me when comes over. I intiate conversations. He walks into the front door and clearly I'm sitting right there. He will not greet me. He has disrepected me just recently and in the past. I have only been kind and nice to him. I have spoken to my husband about his behavior towards me.



cynthia -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/18/2008 9:20:12 PM)

My intention is not to attack you. It took me a while to write my post to make sure it was not a personal attack, but was still able to point out the issues here. My intent is to help you see how serious this is and how damaging it will likely be in the relationship with your step-son between him and his father and between you and your step-son.

If your husband is willing to do something like this for you, he obviously is concerned for you. Your marriage, your position and your honor are not at stake. What is at stake is any relationship you may hope to have with your step-son. He needs to know that you and your husband (especially his dad) love him and are proud of him. If your husband doesn't show up to be there when he is honored in public for his accomplishment, that will cause him deep hurt. Please do not take it so personally. You are a grown woman who can handle it. The boy is not. You have an opportunity to show grace and maturity here; to show the love of Christ. Be secure in your marriage and give your husband your blessing and in doing so, give your step-son his father's blessing. As others have said, give your step-son a card, especially from you with a blessing written inside. Show what a woman of grace you are and you will begin to develop a relationship with him that starts with him knowing that you really do care about him.



csl7037 -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/18/2008 9:21:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn

I'm with Cynthia, grow up, suck up, and shut up... this is a once in a lifetime event for a man and his son....and if you are not mature enough to handle him spending 1 day out of 365 with the child he gave birth to, then there is something terribly wrong. It should not even be an issue!!

I would not miss my son's special time for any reason, much less a petty, immature, selfish one that you describe. If you are not secure enough in your marriage that you can't handle a dad spending a couple of hours with his son and the son's mother then maybe you shouldn't be married at all?

I am quite sure that is the answer I would give anyone who approached the subject with me if it were my son.


quote:

ORIGINAL: ilive4jc

I don't appreciate some of the comments made. I feel like I'm being attacked. Being told to (grow up, suck up, and shut up) is not very nice.

I'm going to pray about this situation and let God help me. He knows what's best.


That may have been blunt - maybe even harsh. But no one is saying it's easy to....just that it's what adults have to do sometimes. Marrying a divorcee with children (especially ones who are or will be teenagers) is not always an easy situation to put yourself in. It's complicated and sometimes difficult but the kids shouldn't be the ones to pay that price for adults' decisions.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ilive4jc
His son is insensitive towards me.


He's a teenager! A teenager who certainly didn't ask to be anybody's stepson and understandably must hate sharing his dad. That and teenage hormones and angst are the reality of your situation. Still remains that the adults are the ones who have to be the adults in this situation. If you handle it with a little bit of unerstanding and support you'll probably have a woderful relationship with him and so will is father - in about ten years. If you push him away, or let him think or feel like he's being pushed away, you'll probably never get him back.



cynthia -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/18/2008 9:26:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ilive4jc
No I have not done things in the past that would undermine his relationship with his son. His son is insensitive towards me. He hardly talks to me when comes over. I intiate conversations. He walks into the front door and clearly I'm sitting right there. He will not greet me. He has disrepected me just recently and in the past. I have only been kind and nice to him. I have spoken to my husband about his behavior towards me.

I am truly sorry that he has been dismissive and rude to you. That is hurtful, but consider the source. He is an immature boy or young man. You are not immature. You can have a positive influence on him by your prayers and by your gracious, loving response to him. I am glad you have been kind to him and I believe you. It is likely that he doesn’t like you simply because you married his father. But do not give him further ammunition. And do not try to force yourself on him. You and your husband are married whether the boy likes it or not. He may or may not ever accept or like you and it isn’t acceptable for him to be rude to you, but it is another thing to force yourself into his moment of honor.



manda59 -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/18/2008 10:18:24 PM)

Sorry, can someone help this Brit out here please - how old is a high school freshman?



karlie -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/18/2008 10:21:54 PM)

about 14 or 15



Hislittleone -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/18/2008 10:34:59 PM)

It would be very kind and gracious of you to make sure your husband attends this event. IMO, it would be taking the high road. This boy needs his father and mother to be there to celebrate with him......without the tension of having a stepmom or stepdad there.

How long have you been his stepmom? If it hasn't been more than several years or so he may not feel like you've played a very important role in his life......especially so since it sounds like you two don't have a great relationship. And this event is for those who have played an important role in his life to attend, right?

Unless your husband has cheated on you with his former wife then I see no reason for him not to attend. Basically it boils down to whose feelings are going to be hurt......you or your stepson. So you have the opportunity to express unconditional love and grace here.



manda59 -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/18/2008 10:36:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: karlie
about 14 or 15



So we're talking about a child here? [8|]



ilive4jc,

I read in another thread that you have been married to your dh for 3 years, and have 2 children under 2.

Your stepson is still a child himself. He had already had to cope with his family being torn apart when his mother took him and his sister and left his father. (You said she left after 10 years of marriage - how old was the lad when this happened? and how old is his sister?)This, and the divorce, will have been hard enough for this young man to cope with - let alone having to deal with his father remarrying and having children.

You appear to be taking his behaviour towards you very personally - but he is just a child himself, and a teen at that. I think it's a lot to expect of a 14/15 yr old to know how to relate to his father's new wife. Keep being friendly, and be patient.

And please don't allow his father to choose you over him regarding this event. That won't do any of you any good in the short or the long term.



lastblast -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/19/2008 12:17:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sadey

If the spouse always come first, as some say then what do you do with children from a first marriage? Are they disposable? Its not a contest to see who love who most.
This young man if a freshman is 14 or 15 years old not an adult and he is not purposely excluding you only asking his parents, his sister and two teachers and I imagine these teachers had a big hand in the award he is getting.

Please don't insult him by telling him you'll take him out for a special dinner some other time. Thats rubbling salt in the wound and dismission of his pain and his place in his dad's life.

I'm sorry your husband took the easy way out.
I hope this works out okay and hope you let your stepson have his moment in the sun.


Unfortunately Sadey, many children of first marriages ARE disposable. Some seem to think that the remarried couple should have a "united" front in issues of division concerning the children of first marriages. Sorry, but I can't seem to find such thinking in scripture. Now, when we speak of ORIGINAL marriages, THEN, that makes perfect sense, since there are not divided loyalties, etc. As has been said, the children did not ask for their parents to divorce their parent and then bring another person into the picture. They did not ask for a "replacement" parent when they already have both parents living. This is all forced upon them.

It is amazing to me that any justifying could possibly go on as to why this dad should NOT be with his son. Many have spoken of the lifelong damage that can result. Many who are posting here are products of divorced parents and I would say that there are many who do not have good relationships with their parents due to remarriage issues and parents choosing a partner over one's own children.

This whole thing is just so sad, but unfortunately, all too common.[&o]



csl7037 -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/19/2008 7:41:59 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lastblast

Some seem to think that the remarried couple should have a "united" front in issues of division concerning the children of first marriages. Sorry, but I can't seem to find such thinking in scripture. Now, when we speak of ORIGINAL marriages, THEN, that makes perfect sense, since there are not divided loyalties, etc.


I actually think thre does need to be a "united front" in any marriage and if you're talking about two mature grown ups willing to not be selfish and insecure, common sense and decency would seek to look out for the children of the one spouse....if not out of adult concern just because they are children, then out of love for the spouse who is the parent. I'm not saying everyone should agree on everything all the time but, like anything else in marriage, the disagreements are worked through and handled with love and maturity - but I guess in a way that's what they've done here, just with skewed selfish priorities.

If this dinner was happening on the husband and new wife's anniversary or a big recital or something for one of the smaller children, I could see it being a difficult situation - but I still think the father would need to support the teenaged son in this case. But that's not the case so there's really nothing but insecurity and maybe jealousy making this so difficult.



car2ner -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/19/2008 8:22:51 AM)

quote:

about 14 or 15


Just my two cents, I have seen teens be "snotty" to parents at this age, married, remarried, divorced or the blessing of the original intact marriage. It is part of the growning up of the young teen (and bugs me).

I agree, Dad should go. You should gracefully bow out. Be patient.



lastblast -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/19/2008 1:29:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: csl7037

I actually think thre does need to be a "united front" in any marriage and if you're talking about two mature grown ups willing to not be selfish and insecure, common sense and decency would seek to look out for the children of the one spouse....if not out of adult concern just because they are children, then out of love for the spouse who is the parent. I'm not saying everyone should agree on everything all the time but, like anything else in marriage, the disagreements are worked through and handled with love and maturity - but I guess in a way that's what they've done here, just with skewed selfish priorities.

If this dinner was happening on the husband and new wife's anniversary or a big recital or something for one of the smaller children, I could see it being a difficult situation - but I still think the father would need to support the teenaged son in this case. But that's not the case so there's really nothing but insecurity and maybe jealousy making this so difficult.


csl,

My responses not only stem from my beliefs on the rightness/wrongness of handling this particular case, but they stem from my overall view of remarriage while one has a living spouse. I believe we are seeing the problems we see now because people are not honoring/obeying the Lord by the choice they make concerning marrying a divorced person, but that is a whole nother topic which can only be discussed in the divorce/remarriage thread.

I do believe in original marriages that a united front is a MUST---because even children living with BOTH parents can be manipulative. I don't believe, however, the "united front" can work the same way in other relationships outside that original marriage----because the children do not belong to the two people jointly---the same "love bond" is just not there. Any person outside that natural relationship between child/adult should always seek to love that child and see to it that Christ is manifested to them. I know children can be manipulative, but that aside, this boy's emotional well-being and the lifelong relationship of parent/child should be the focus here, not the offenses of an adult.



Hislittleone -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/19/2008 2:46:13 PM)

You know, my husband and I have been married, divorced and remarried. While we were divorced I was married to another man. I had a 6 year old son at the time (from my first marriage). If my second husband (stepfather to my son) had asked me not to attend an important event simply because he was not invited by my son I would have told him to go take a flying leap..... If my second husband had ever asked something like that of me it would have been asking me to do something sinful (we are not to cause our children to be-----what's the word? [&:] frustrated? help me somebody). The action of not supporting my son would have been selfish and would have caused him undue stress/frustration, thereby being sinful. It just never would have happened.....not in our family anyway. My (x)husband would have eventually gotten over himself but my son would always remember that mom wasn't there for him on his special day. [&o]

ETA: Also, I think it's important to present a united front but NEVER at the detriment of the children. A united front should, if done correctly, benefit the whole family. And like Sadey was saying, it does become more difficult when there is remarriage with stepchildren in the mix.



OLEEguacamole -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/19/2008 2:56:53 PM)

your husband has a holy obligation to your marriage, yes...but he also has a holy obligation to his child. it is God ordained that he should fulfill his role as a father to that boy. it is vital to the life of that child.

it is very hard to be a father to a teenager when you do not live in the same home. the boy really needs his father for this, and your husband is the father that God gave him.



CoeurdeLeon_ -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/19/2008 3:16:01 PM)

This child had a limited number of invitations to extend.

It's not like he invited the whole world and excluded you. He had to choose the 5 people that he would most like to be there and/or who have helped him achieve this honor. That would be his dad, his mother, his sister and 2 of his teachers. There's nothing hard to understand about that.

It seems to me that your biggest worry is that your husband will be someplace with his ex-wife. Big deal! Your jealousy and insecurity have no place in this issue. Put the child and his father first. That is the right and appropriate thing to do.



peace77 -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/19/2008 3:17:25 PM)

The boy should have his father there to observe him receive the award.

I understand that you aren't happy about it. You can find something else to do for the evening.

I still remember that my father wasn't there for most of my important events and some of them were over 30 years ago.

I suggest that you and your husband together give him a small gift and card. Your handwriting should be on the card with words of congratulations.

One day, he won't be a teenager anymore. If you can be patient awhile longer now, you will have the opportunity to reap the rewards later.


Peace,
Anne



manda59 -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/19/2008 4:07:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: peace77
I still remember that my father wasn't there for most of my important events and some of them were over 30 years ago.



Mine too. I don't think of it all the time (I am 48 now), but your mentioning this here brought tears to my eyes even now.



csl7037 -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/19/2008 4:11:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hislittleone

we are not to cause our children to be-----what's the word? [&:] frustrated? help me somebody).


Colossians 3:21 -
Fathers, provoke not your children, that they be not discouraged.



manda59 -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/19/2008 4:24:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: csl7037
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
we are not to cause our children to be-----what's the word? [&:] frustrated? help me somebody).

Colossians 3:21 -
Fathers, provoke not your children, that they be not discouraged.




I like the NASB translation:

Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart.



Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4   next >   >>



Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition 2.5 ANSI