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ilive4jc -> RE: Would it be inappropriate? (4/18/2008 1:13:20 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MrsOliver
As I understand the perspectives presented here. Have you spoke to your husband about the situation? Did your husband feel bad that you weren't invited? In my experience, my husband would have made it clear we travel as a team, and that perhaps he could ask for an exception ( the son) to the 5 people, or reapproached a teacher and explained that he would need to invite you instead.
My husband and I do many, many things regarding school sports and church activities, and his ex-wife attends our church. We have 6 children between us. His ex-wife attends the same events as us as well. However, I have never been excluded from anything because my husband has always 'honored my position as his wife". I feel your hurt, because your position is not being honored regardless of your step-sons feelings towards you. My step-children haven't always liked me but they expect me to attend 'every thing' with their dad, because I am his wife. and vice versa for my children.
My suggestion is to really have a heart to heart with your husband so he knows for future events, that he needs to make sure you are placed at his side, regardless of the event. Your husbands job is to protect your position as his wife.
If your husband doesn't say anything about this event to your step-son, the situation will come up again, because it may only be bothering you.
As I do agree that children get caught in the middle of divorce, blended step families and the issues involved. But the Bible is very clear on the positioning in the home. Your husband is the head, the spiritual leader and your protector. you are to be his help-meet and the two of you raise children. My husband and I have made it very clear to all of our children that they don't come between us and we dont' play favorites. We are a parenting team and we put each other before the kids (unless abuse were to arise of course).
Once they saw us practicing that positioning, they respect it and we continually tell them, "you will want your husband, your wife to put you first and you should expect them to put you first." We try and take the emphasis off of them feeling jealous or unimportant and reasure them that we are setting an example of how God designed marriage to be.
We do make a point to spend individual time with our children, with out competition from step-siblings or step-parents as well.
If your husband doesn't teach his son that his wife comes first in his life, then his son, more than likely will follow that example and not put his wife first either.
It is very hard to blend families and all of the feelings involved. But regardless of first, second or third marriages, the God's plan is still the same.
Just my experience and what works for us.
blessings,
MrsOliver I would have to agree with everything that you said. That's exactly how I feel.
My husband and I were in the kitchen when we got the call from his son. I was listening to what my husband was saying. Initially when my husband figured out I wasn't invited. He told his son, "Well I know Mary would like to go". He went on to say, "Why don't you call your sister to see if she is going or not going so maybe Mary can go".
Well after that call, my husband could see that whole scenario did not sit well with me. My husband and are a team we travel together. We have two children together. Just this last Tuesday we had different appointments. We were both trying to figure out how we can attend these appointments together. I tried by making phone calls to try to rearrange times, but it didn't work out. We had to travel in separate cars. So we came up with a plan to meet at the dentists parking lot so we can be together to do the rest of chores for that day together. We both like doing things and going places together.
Well anyway my stepson called back and pretty much said everyone he invited is coming. So my husband told his son, "I don't think I will be able to attend". I could tell from their conversation his son asked why. My husband, I could tell was trying to be nice and not hurt his feelings, simply said, "It's hard to explain". They talked a little bit more and my husband went on to say, "Mary would like to go as a couple". He still let his son know he may not be going. After that phone call, my husband told me he would rather disappoint his son by not going then disappoint me by going.
My husband has made it clear to my stepchildren in the beginning of our marriage that God comes first then his wife.
I can understand my stepson wants his parents together. It's awkward for my husband and I to be around his ex-wife. He rarely ever talks to her. They are cordial when they do talk.
I'm feeling insecure also. If my husband were to attend without me, he would be there with his ex-wife at the same table. All of them laughing and joking with each other. "Remembering the good old days". I say that because when the 2 stepchildren are in our company they do sometimes talk about the good old days, "Remember When" ect......He has had history with this woman. She left the marriage to pursue her selfish desires. And it hurt him deeply. I feel like I should be at my husband side in this circumstance. After listening to his conversation with his son, I can see he feels the same way. But I also feel a little guilty that he's not going because he wants to please me.
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