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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 9:51:50 PM
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WaitingforBoaz
Posts: 3191
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quote:
ORIGINAL: humbleinspirit
quote:
ORIGINAL: followtheLeader
quote:
ORIGINAL: humbleinspirit
Thanks!
quote:
A man on the other hand is the asker and many would assume that he is not married because he never asked, which would lead one to wonder why. KWIM.
I do not make assumptions on this subject. Each individual is different. But I do wonder. My brother is 33 and never married, I have often wondered why.
But what if the man didn't want to be married because he wanted to work out some personal stuff in his life instead? What if he didn't want a girlfriend because he didn't want to be dating "miss right now" as opposed to a seriously minded relationship instead?
I think you may misunderstand me Humble....see bolded above. Life is way too complicated to make generalizations. I may wonder why someone is single, but that is as far as it goes.
quote:
The Apostle Paul was single, and encouraged others to be single as well, unless they "burned with passion". But anyway, just saying is all. I do believe that marriage is a good thing, but being single opens up many more opportunities to serve the Lord as well. 
I'm sure that in many cases this is true.
OK Esther, I just miss understood, thanks for your clarification!
It's Nadine, But no problem.... 
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Nadine
"It's like everything good collided today" quote from my 8yr old daughter
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 9:53:39 PM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 15181
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Just Outside of Boston
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Opps, Nadine, I'm sorry!  
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/19/2008 10:21:52 PM
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BugLady
Posts: 2757
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ladioffaith
I'm in the same boat, so no, it woudln't neceessarilly raise a red flag for me. He could be messed up, but he could also have been dealing with pressing family matters, a demanding career, a serious illness or just not have found the right person yet.
This ^^ fairly accurately describes my journey. Though I know there are some who are persuaded *I'm* messed up, they don't have all their facts straight. Afterall, I wasn't the one who was violating laws and stalking me. And you know who you are!
quote:
Sure, a woman may ask herself "Why is he still single" but a more pressing question, in my mind, is "Why is he not still married?" In other words, I'd be more concerned about a man who treated his wife poorly than one who had no wife at all.
Me too!
My advice, humble, consider it none of your business what others may think of you. In my opinion, worrying about these types of issues only serves as a distraction from what's really important.... following the Lord's lead for your life. It only takes one (the right one) to think rightly of you.
*sigh* And I'm personally tired of hearing the question - "Why is it that a woman like you has never married?" as if there's a problem with me. How about the fact that I've also never been divorced? Don't get me wrong. I'm not disparaging those who've endured the pain of divorce, but cut a never married sister or brother a little slack, would ya?
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I know it doesn't make sense, but...
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 12:39:28 AM
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trinigirl722
Posts: 361
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From: Dallas, TX
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quote:
Saw on the internet today while reading the news
"Being single in this society is still the greatest of social stigmas—despite how many zeroes are at the end of our paychecks or initials after our name. Society still perceives singleness as a personal failure and sends us this classic mixed message that while we should flourish in our careers and embrace our independence, we’re still a failure if we’re single."
Wow! What a great discussion, and I think the quote above is so true.
Mike, this thread has made me re-think how I would view a 39-year-old, never-married man. I'm 46 and never married myself, so until a few years ago I didn't give a second thought to men who'd never married because I assumed they were just like me -- looking but had never found "the one."
However, a few years ago a friend of mine married a guy from my church in his late 30s who'd always been single up to that point. They had a short, tumultuous marriage in which she learned he was addicted to pornography and a closet bisexual. So, since then, I've been a little suspicious of older men who've never been married, thinking they must have issues similar to this guy's.
However, your comment about having more opportunities to serve the Lord made me remember another single guy from that same church. As far as I know, he's still single, in his forties, a pastor and one of the most godly Christian men I've ever met. I know that he has guarded his heart because he wants to be ready for the woman God chooses for him, if God ever chooses to bring him a wife.
So, thanks for opening up this discussion. I think I'll view older single men differently from now on.
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 12:43:26 AM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 15181
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Thank you for your reply Trinigirl722! I will also agree while having more opportunities to serve the Lord (I can just get up and go without a second thought), that I am also quite used to being independent as well. I will be first to admit that marriage takes a "real" lot of work! Its something that you really have to be commited to.
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 12:52:13 AM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 15181
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The closest that I ever got to marriage was having roommates living as a community. Now, this is different from just having regular roommates as you live with the idea that you will be sharing, cooking meals, sharing all of your food in common, cleaning, etc. I was in my 20's and my roomies in my late 30's. I did not know what I was getting myself into and it failed with me miserably! I guess that says something about me, huh?
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 8:28:54 AM
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ShallbeRebuilt
Posts: 1700
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quote:
ORIGINAL: trinigirl722
quote:
Saw on the internet today while reading the news
"Being single in this society is still the greatest of social stigmas—despite how many zeroes are at the end of our paychecks or initials after our name. Society still perceives singleness as a personal failure and sends us this classic mixed message that while we should flourish in our careers and embrace our independence, we’re still a failure if we’re single."
Wow! What a great discussion, and I think the quote above is so true.
However, a few years ago a friend of mine married a guy from my church in his late 30s who'd always been single up to that point. They had a short, tumultuous marriage in which she learned he was addicted to pornography and a closet bisexual. So, since then, I've been a little suspicious of older men who've never been married, thinking they must have issues similar to this guy's.
So, thanks for opening up this discussion. I think I'll view older single men differently from now on.
I feel just a little defensive because TomTurn seems to believe that there's something wrong with being cautious. Under circumstances such as the above, and the circumstances that I faced (one guy turned out to be a master manipulator and controller--very sick. One guy was addicted to child pornography and eventually arrested by the FBI--also very sick and I'm very grateful that he got no closer to my children than he did) it would be illogical and foolish not to be cautious!
Both of these men looked wonderful on the outside. Christians, serving in the church, friendly, chivalrous, yadda yadda.
If it helps Tom and Humble, it's not just always-single men I look at with caution. I now look at ALL men with caution. Even those whom I know or have known for years. You never know what's lurking under the surface.
It's not fair that you've been stigmatized: but that's not my fault, it's sin's fault. As a homeschool mother I have been stigmatized too...did you know that in my state (and others that allow homeschooling) some parents "homeschool" because they abuse their children and can keep others from finding out that way? So I have been looked at askance, too. For this I have to trust God and do what He says anyway.
I'm not automatically assuming there's something wrong with you. But I'm not automatically assuming there's something right, either. Total Depravity is everywhere and I'm highly motivated to avoid coming in contact with more of it than necessary. It HURTS.
besiderself
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Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don’t compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest.
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 9:27:33 AM
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TomTurn
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quote:
I feel just a little defensive because TomTurn seems to believe that there's something wrong with being cautious.
No, I just used the words that you and another posted becasue they were such a good representation of how the Church reacts in great deal to the "older" never married. I should have said something about "borrowing" the words.
quote:
If it helps Tom and Humble, it's not just always-single men I look at with caution. I now look at ALL men with caution. Even those whom I know or have known for years. You never know what's lurking under the surface.
It is your choice and am sure you have more reasons that have taken you there but I see something possibly wrong with that. If you are always loking for the worst you are going to find some worst in everyone. It could be taken to the point where a man in your Church makes an innocent comment about a pretty woman and in your mind you run with that and make him into a pervert.
It almost falls into the feminist propaganda that "all men a rapists".
But trust me, as a never married man in the Church hitting 50, I have been accused or thought of on just about everything. But rarely, pointed out by the Church as an example of serving and waiting.
As said, the Church on the whole talks a big game about Christ being single, people being called by God to be single, waiting for God's will and all. but when actually faced with someone like myself (and others) who have reached 40, 50, 60 (35 seems to be the start age of something wrong with them, so lucky for Christ God called Him home before then), it is a whole different game and those words become very empty.
I have been told everything from "you are too old to get married now" to "have you considered you might be gay". But never has anyone came up to me and said anything close to "you are a good example of trusting God for marriage" or not even a "I know you want to marry and I am not only going to pray for you but I am going to help you find her if that is God's will for your life"
But then it seems the "single and not lookings" have their pressure of being hooked all the time by others. I guess we need to swap Churches (-:
< Message edited by TomTurn -- 4/20/2008 9:35:05 AM >
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 9:56:38 AM
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ShallbeRebuilt
Posts: 1700
Joined: 11/8/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TomTurn
quote:
I feel just a little defensive because TomTurn seems to believe that there's something wrong with being cautious.
No, I just used the words that you and another posted becasue they were such a good representation of how the Church reacts in great deal to the "older" never married. I should have said something about "borrowing" the words.
quote:
If it helps Tom and Humble, it's not just always-single men I look at with caution. I now look at ALL men with caution. Even those whom I know or have known for years. You never know what's lurking under the surface.
It is your choice and am sure you have more reasons that have taken you there but I see something possibly wrong with that. If you are always loking for the worst you are going to find some worst in everyone. It could be taken to the point where a man in your Church makes an innocent comment about a pretty woman and in your mind you run with that and make him into a pervert.
It almost falls into the feminist propaganda that "all men a rapists".
Thanks for clarifying, Tom. For a couple of years after these experiences (which came one right after another, almost overlapping) I almost did subscribe to that theory. I was hurting so bad, and felt so unprotected and victimized and frightened of what God might allow to happen next that I even viewed men I knew were good, like my father and my brothers-in-law with suspicion.
But I've realized I can't live like that, and that God doesn't intend me to, and He's been in the work of healing me in that area.
quote:
But trust me, as a never married man in the Church hitting 50, I have been accused or thought of on just about everything. But rarely, pointed out by the Church as an example of serving and waiting.
As said, the Church on the whole talks a big game about Christ being single, people being called by God to be single, waiting for God's will and all. but when actually faced with someone like myself (and others) who have reached 40, 50, 60 (35 seems to be the start age of something wrong with them, so lucky for Christ God called Him home before then), it is a whole different game and those words become very empty.
I have been told everything from "you are too old to get married now" to "have you considered you might be gay".
I think the "too old to get married now" idea is malarkey. Yes, you will have different challenges than someone who got married when they were younger and more impressionable, but God is able.
And I won't even go into what I think about "have you considered you might be gay." Ok, I will go into it slightly : scripturally a person cannot 'be' gay. They can act gay, but they can't 'be' gay. For the pain this stupid comment has caused you, I roll my eyes as I express my sympathy.
quote:
But never has anyone came up to me and said anything close to "you are a good example of trusting God for marriage" or not even a "I know you want to marry and I am not only going to pray for you but I am going to help you find her if that is God's will for your life"
One thing that I'm learning, Tom, is that I need to let those around me know I'm interested in marrying. It's pretty silly, but for some reason people don't think I might want to marry. They are typically surprised when our relationship matures to the point where I feel comfortable revealing the fact! Then they usually volunteer to pray and to keep their eyes open for me. So perhaps it might be helpful to reveal your desire to marry to select and non-judgmental friends?
quote:
But then it seems the "single and not lookings" have their pressure of being hooked all the time by others. I guess we need to swap Churches (-:
Maybe so! Like I said, lots of people at my church have been surprised that I even wanted to marry--but then, my situation is a little different. Maybe they think I was so in love with my husband that I don't want another? I don't know. I will say this: those who have been married before and want to marry again get unfeeling comments, too. I have heard "oh, you don't need a man!" many times.
Sheesh. No, I don't NEED one--God supplies all my needs. But I DO need one in that I have a deep desire to repeat the wonderful experience I had with my husband who was killed.
I need some clarification. The title of this thread is "Single and Not Looking". But how do you define "not looking"? Because if you WANT to get married someday but just haven't found the right person, then in my mind you're "looking". Mike and Tom seem to be stating that they do want to marry someday but they are not "looking"...so I'm confused.
besiderself
_____________________________
Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don’t compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest.
Shallbe's Batty Belfry
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 10:15:55 AM
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BugLady
Posts: 2757
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quote:
Mike and Tom seem to be stating that they do want to marry someday but they are not "looking"...so I'm confused.
That is a bit confusing. But I think I understand. And I'm not Mike or Tom, but my guess is it depends upon how "to look" is being defined. I can speak to what it means to me. I'm open to a relationship, but not just any relationship. I've not been walking in obedience as long as I have not to wait for God's best plan for my life. So, I'm keeping my eyes open for potentials, as I go about the business of living and serving. But I don't consider myself to be actively looking.
Now that I've learned that because I'm beyond age 35, and have never been married, that is looked upon as a red flag by some, I'm almost tempted to make up a prior marriage for acceptance.  Never mind the responsibilities I've had to deal with in my personal and family life. So, my point is- you never know why someone is still single unless you take the time to get to know them and understand their journey.
< Message edited by BugLady -- 4/20/2008 10:30:11 AM >
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 10:17:21 AM
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collie1
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From: The Place to Go: Idaho!!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: besiderself
I need some clarification. The title of this thread is "Single and Not Looking". But how do you define "not looking"? Because if you WANT to get married someday but just haven't found the right person, then in my mind you're "looking". Mike and Tom seem to be stating that they do want to marry someday but they are not "looking"...so I'm confused.
besiderself
I was curious about that myself, Esther.
I also wanted to share an experience that happened to a never married man who is nearly 48.
He was in a Single's group that I belonged to at one time, in fact he was one of the founding members of this group that has been around for about ten years.
He did a presentation one night about God's love, and someone said to him that he didn't know what love was since he had never been in a relationship. What an awful assumption to make, let alone say to a person. I am glad I wasn't there that night, what if I had agreed with them!! Not only would I have been wrong, I would have been a part of really hurting this person.
He is no longer affliated with that group.
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 10:38:56 AM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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Edited: This post was being written during the time that the immediate previous 2 posts (of which I haven't yet read) were posted.
The last couple of posts have been thought provoking for me.
I can also see and agree with both sides of this particular topic.
I try to take people at face value and base my thoughts of them from who they are as an individual; not who a group of similar people usually are. I try very hard not to stereotype people.
Having said that . . . I can also immediately think of a situation where I have decided to avoid an entire type of people because of the personal experience I had with one person. By this person's own life and actions, a very dark and commonly-held stereotype is being given credibility.
There's no easy answers.
I'm sure that many of us could list stereotypes held against us, for whatever reason, that aren't necessarily true. I know I can.
Additionally and in fact, honesty compels - I can also list other stereotypes (other than the one I alluded to near the beginning of this post) that I have towards at least one more people group. Perhaps others who are reading this thread are also reminded of some of the stereotypes they hold against certain people (which isn't really an invitation to list them here, as that would take this thread seriously off-topic).
However, regardless of any stereotype, one CAN continue to trust in Our Lord for His Will in each of our lives, and look to Him for His Peace, His Comfort, His Wisdom and His Guidance. After that, there's not much else that's required or even necessary.
Humanity, overall, can really be one big conglomerate jerk sometimes. We all miss the mark sometimes; individually and collectively.
Additionally, humanity can also be quite extraordinarily loving and wonderful.
And in the end, it really doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you, me, etc.
It's how we, as individuals, live our lives. That's what truly matters.
I don't say that flippantly or without compassion.
In fact, it's an encouragement borne out of compassion.
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 11:05:02 AM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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quote:
ORIGINAL: besiderself
I need some clarification. The title of this thread is "Single and Not Looking". But how do you define "not looking"? Because if you WANT to get married someday but just haven't found the right person, then in my mind you're "looking". Mike and Tom seem to be stating that they do want to marry someday but they are not "looking"...so I'm confused.
besiderself I must have missed this before, because I didn't see it until collie1 quoted it.
The title of this thread is actually what drew me in here . . . because I, too, am single and not looking.
I was also single and not looking when I met my late husband. He wasn't looking neither. And it wasn't necessarily a dormant WANT that either of us had, neither. We got married because, down the road, we realized we loved each other and wanted to spend our lives with each other. Each other. Not some unknown person off in the future.
I don't give much thought to my future life in regards to whether I'll be married or not; never have really (at least not since I was in my mid 20's - and that's been quite a bit of time ago). Sometimes I do contemplate how things might be if I were to be married again . . . but it's not necessarily a WANT. It's a que sara sara thing with me; always has been (well, again, since my mid 20's).
Mac said is wonderfully:quote:
I'm open to a relationship, but not just any relationship. For me, that means if it happens, great. If it doesn't, that's great, too.
For me to seriously contemplate and/or desire marriage, there has to be a very specific someone that I want to spend my life with.
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 11:07:49 AM
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collie1
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So you are saying you wouldn't marry someone for the sake of being married, I think i am beginning to understand what Mike and Tom are saying.
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 11:07:55 AM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BugLady
quote:
ORIGINAL: Shar-Mar 
However, regardless of any stereotype, one CAN continue to trust in Our Lord for His Will in each of our lives, and look to Him for His Peace, His Comfort, His Wisdom and His Guidance. After that, there's not much else that's required or even necessary.
 So, very true!
That's why I always say it's none of my business what anyone thinks of me.
Mac - that's one of the reasons I like you so much; we think alike.
I, too, have had that philosophy - in fact, for many years.
edited: heehee! I just noticed your smiley face near ORIGINAL. That is too funny!
< Message edited by WhiteRoseBlessings -- 4/20/2008 11:16:17 AM >
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 11:10:16 AM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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quote:
ORIGINAL: collie1
I have never thought of it that way, I concern myself way too much with what others think of me.
Something I need to work on changing, but I don't have to work on changing that by myself because of this quote from WhiteRose:
However, regardless of any stereotype, one CAN continue to trust in Our Lord for His Will in each of our lives, and look to Him for His Peace, His Comfort, His Wisdom and His Guidance. After that, there's not much else that's required or even necessary.
Collie, that's exactly how I learned not to worry about what others think of me. 
Blessings,
Sharon-Marie
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 11:13:41 AM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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quote:
ORIGINAL: collie1
So you are saying you wouldn't marry someone for the sake of being married, I think i am beginning to understand what Mike and Tom are saying.
I'm not sure if you're asking me or Mac; but yep, that's exactly what I'm saying.
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 11:15:57 AM
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BugLady
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aww, shucks, Shar-Mar... the feeling's mutual!
quote:
ORIGINAL: Shar-Mar
For me, that means if it happens, great. If it doesn't, that's great, too.
For me to seriously contemplate and/or desire marriage, there has to be a very specific someone that I want to spend my life with.
It means this for me as well. Though I have the desire to marry, my actions are not driven by that desire. Like the Apostle Paul, I've learned to be content in whatever my circumstances. Until there is someone specific to focus my energy on, I just go about the business of life.
quote:
ORIGINAL: collie1
So you are saying you wouldn't marry someone for the sake of being married, I think i am beginning to understand what Mike and Tom are saying.
That's what I'm sayin'. I'll know him if and when I meet him. I have every confidence the Lord will make it all clear in His timing.............................
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I know it doesn't make sense, but...
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 12:28:58 PM
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TomTurn
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I am driving and as drive I want to listen to one radio station and only that one will do, yet so far am only getting static or the wrong one. But my trip is not on hold, I continue down the road for the destination and continue to turn the dial looking for that one station to be on the ride with me.
< Message edited by TomTurn -- 4/20/2008 12:47:56 PM >
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RE: Single And Not Looking - 4/20/2008 1:37:27 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TomTurn
I am driving and as drive I want to listen to one radio station and only that one will do, yet so far am only getting static or the wrong one. But my trip is not on hold, I continue down the road for the destination and continue to turn the dial looking for that one station to be on the ride with me.
Often, I enjoy the peacefulness of quiet versus the noise of static.
I keep my radio turned off most of the time; saves all that dial-turning, and I can then keep my focus on the road in front of me.
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