RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (Full Version)

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tinydancer2 -> RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (4/22/2008 10:05:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: JefferyT

I am a single Catholic male age 44. A Christian friend of mine thinks I should be married by now. My feeling has always been to let nature take its course. If I happen to find the right woman to spend my life with, that would be great. Or if I do not happen to meet the right woman through my normal daily encounters, that is OK too. But my friend thinks the bible teaches Christians to actively seek a partner, not just wait for it to happen. What do all of you think? Do you have any bible scripture to support one view or the other?


Hi JefferyT and welcome to CW !

Well, what Scriptures says about to seek actively and 1st of all: "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

The Kingdom of God is entered by new birth as Lord Jesus told Nicodemos in their late night talks etc As a woman at age 43 not married, no kids etc I do find awesome the NT freedom to follow the Lord, serve community of faith and others, particularly to women, new model in Christ our exemple, as much OT praises much wife and motherhood status of women, that was a different time and culture. Lord Jesus came and radically change the ways women were to serve as we see in the Evangels many women benefactors in the early houses churches and contributing in many ways with Kingdom affairs, etc. Now AD Christ Proverbs 31 women, may be not married with kids, but women who fear and love the Lord, serving with the same drive given by the Lord, the family of faith. From the Lord Himself there is not pressures to seek partener, but Him and His Kingdom.

Many are driven by inside needs and etc plus as we age, at least in my case as women, and no bio clock to marry, to mate and multiply things are way more simple and settled. Or just being pressed to seek, because need companionship, because of lonliness etc that's for me does not "fly", in my case. When you are a follower and disciple of Him, tendency to be drawn to other disciples...that brings tremendous joy in the race of faith being among disciples community, energized by Him in us, through us, among us. Now -if- in the process of serving you find another disciple you have much in commom and connect at a point to want to become a couple, then as walking in Him, His Word of life, in His wisdom and given discernment, then, you go for it!

As well intentioned people may try to "help" by give their inputs to your circunstantes etc, its just their own oppinions , do not let their understanding get into you... Seek the Lord and His Word, trust Him with all your heart and He will guide your steps all the way, as a single man of Him, for a season or for eartly life time.

That's my walk and my experiences of always learning with Him.

[sm=hug.gif]



jlp1 -> RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (4/22/2008 12:42:23 PM)

quote:

If I do come across someone, that I would like to seek me, I may put myself in a position where I am easier to find, but that is all. The rest is up to God.


I like that!!!![sm=smile-l.gif] I think it is ok to put your self in places to be seen if you want to be married (speaking as a woman). I'm not sure if it's ok for a woman to go after a man[sm=sadquestion.gif]



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (4/22/2008 1:12:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jlp1

quote:

If I do come across someone, that I would like to seek me, I may put myself in a position where I am easier to find, but that is all. The rest is up to God.


I like that!!!![sm=smile-l.gif] I think it is ok to put your self in places to be seen if you want to be married (speaking as a woman). I'm not sure if it's ok for a woman to go after a man[sm=sadquestion.gif]

I honestly don't think women should be the pursuers. God has called man to lead and it has to start somewhere. Now I am not opposed to allowing someone to see I'm interested, but I will not take the initiative to further the relationship. If he's interested in me, he'll pursue if he's not, then I'm sure there's another bloke out there that will.

That doesn't mean I sit around and wait for my phone to ring. I still live my life, raise my children, and do the things I would normally do. I just do it with a brighter smile on my face if he should happen to pass by me. [;)]

[8|] Edited to fix my spelling.



dinomax55 -> RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (4/22/2008 1:59:53 PM)

As a man, I understand that (generally) it is up to us guys to have the initiative, but I've always felt that women have it a bit easy with regards to being pursued.. ladies don't have to 'do' anything, they can make us guys jump through as many hoops as they want. Just my opinion, from personal experience..

That said, I do believe the man has to 'be a man' and pursue the young lady, but I don't have a problem with a woman stepping up to the plate.. Like it was mentioned earlier, I agree that you chose who you want, like a career, and pursue that. This could be for women and men. Either way, it's a choice that you can make. That's why I feel that sitting on your hands expecting one result or another is a bad idea.



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (4/22/2008 2:03:34 PM)

Well I did say that I "don't sit around waiting for the phone to ring". I would like to think that qualifies for "Sitting on your hands expecting one result or another is a bad idea."

We do agree there. [;)]



dinomax55 -> RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (4/22/2008 2:06:54 PM)

yep, that's the same thing. Since I'm not a woman, I'm not 100% sure what being receptive looks like, but I think (and I'm speaking from my experience with Christian women) Christian women need to be more 'open', more engaging.



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (4/22/2008 2:11:16 PM)

Just basically showing interest. Each woman is different. It helps when they already know each other to begin with though. I know when I'm interested in someone I get real nervous and any eloquent speaking flies right out the window and I trip over my own tongue. A lot. [8|] I always walk away muttering, "Stupid, stupid, stupid!" *grin*



WaitingforBoaz -> RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (4/22/2008 3:05:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dinomax55

yep, that's the same thing. Since I'm not a woman, I'm not 100% sure what being receptive looks like, but I think (and I'm speaking from my experience with Christian women) Christian women need to be more 'open', more engaging.


Why is is that a man needs the woman to show an interest in him before he will persue? Does that mean any woman will do, as long as she shows the interest first.
Not many years ago it was considered inappropriate for the woman to show any romantic interest in a man until his intentions were known. If I were to go out with a man, it would be because he chose me from among the rest. I want to be chosen. I was chosen, It gave me an added feeling of security in my marriage knowing that he pursued me, for 6 months in fact, before we had our first date. Persistance is a very appealing quality in a man. So is boldness and the ability to bounce back from failure and go at it again. I don't want a man who is looking for the easy way out. I want one who likes a challenge. KWIM



trainfan -> RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (4/22/2008 4:21:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: followtheLeader

quote:

ORIGINAL: dinomax55

yep, that's the same thing. Since I'm not a woman, I'm not 100% sure what being receptive looks like, but I think (and I'm speaking from my experience with Christian women) Christian women need to be more 'open', more engaging.


Why is is that a man needs the woman to show an interest in him before he will persue? Does that mean any woman will do, as long as she shows the interest first.
Not many years ago it was considered inappropriate for the woman to show any romantic interest in a man until his intentions were known. If I were to go out with a man, it would be because he chose me from among the rest. I want to be chosen. I was chosen, It gave me an added feeling of security in my marriage knowing that he pursued me, for 6 months in fact, before we had our first date. Persistance is a very appealing quality in a man. So is boldness and the ability to bounce back from failure and go at it again. I don't want a man who is looking for the easy way out. I want one who likes a challenge. KWIM


I think one big difference is today if you pursued someone like that it could be considered stalking and could result in all sorts of legal problems for the guy. That of course depends on the woman the guy is pursueing and how he goes about it of course. If the woman has in the past been stalked herself or knows someone who has, she may be very leery of being pursued.



vikingfan -> RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (4/22/2008 4:21:59 PM)

From a guy's standpoint, he wants to know that the girl is interested in him just like he is interested in her. If she displays no signs of wanting to be better friends, that enables him to move on.

Therefore, I do believe that a lady should actively 'seek' in terms of responding to a guy's interest. Not many guys (and I would be among them) would keep stringing themselves out all the way along with no reciprocation from the lady. It doesn't mean that just any woman will do, but it means that if he's picked her, then she should follow up on it if she reciprocates.



vikingfan -> RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (4/22/2008 4:53:13 PM)

I should also that it is massively helpful if the lady is answering questions and asking questions right back. It's a massive drag if I have to keep on carrying the conversation without anything back and it's usually a sign, at least to me, to move on.



jlp1 -> RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (4/22/2008 4:54:00 PM)

quote:

he wants to know that the girl is interested in him just like he is interested in her.


what signs could a woman show to let a man know she is interested?



trainfan -> RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (4/22/2008 5:05:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: vikingfan

I should also that it is massively helpful if the lady is answering questions and asking questions right back. It's a massive drag if I have to keep on carrying the conversation without anything back and it's usually a sign, at least to me, to move on.



Ditto and good posts vikingfan.

I have encounted that a few times. I have also encountered women who won't even acknowledge you said hello to them.

I always liked Dr Dobson's analogy of a conversation being like a game of catch. If someone asks you how you are and you answer "fine" you have caught the ball and kept it, game over. If you say "fine how are you?" You have caught the ball and thrown it back so the game can continue.



WaitingforBoaz -> RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (4/22/2008 5:31:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: trainfan

quote:

ORIGINAL: followtheLeader

quote:

ORIGINAL: dinomax55

yep, that's the same thing. Since I'm not a woman, I'm not 100% sure what being receptive looks like, but I think (and I'm speaking from my experience with Christian women) Christian women need to be more 'open', more engaging.


Why is is that a man needs the woman to show an interest in him before he will persue? Does that mean any woman will do, as long as she shows the interest first.
Not many years ago it was considered inappropriate for the woman to show any romantic interest in a man until his intentions were known. If I were to go out with a man, it would be because he chose me from among the rest. I want to be chosen. I was chosen, It gave me an added feeling of security in my marriage knowing that he pursued me, for 6 months in fact, before we had our first date. Persistance is a very appealing quality in a man. So is boldness and the ability to bounce back from failure and go at it again. I don't want a man who is looking for the easy way out. I want one who likes a challenge. KWIM


I think one big difference is today if you pursued someone like that it could be considered stalking and could result in all sorts of legal problems for the guy. That of course depends on the woman the guy is pursueing and how he goes about it of course. If the woman has in the past been stalked herself or knows someone who has, she may be very leery of being pursued.

Ya know Trainfan, I can see how you could get that idea, but it was not that way at all. I guess because I shared a bit about how we met elsewhere on the forum I was assuming that somehow you all would know more than you do about how we met. I am learning that maybe the forums is not my best way of communicating with people. I think I need a full time personal editor as to be more clear and not offend.
In answer to your question, I will tell you exactly what came to my mind when I read your response. Hubby would have said, I didn't need to stalk her, I had Anna. Now he would not have stalked me anyway, he was way to classy for that. But my friend Anna did keep him filled in and she talked about him all the time. To the point where one time I said to her,"If you like him so much, you marry him!" LOL. But she knew something I did not at the time. That if I just got to know him, I would love him...and I did. But God had to arrange that.



WaitingforBoaz -> RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (4/22/2008 5:38:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: trainfan

quote:

ORIGINAL: vikingfan

I should also that it is massively helpful if the lady is answering questions and asking questions right back. It's a massive drag if I have to keep on carrying the conversation without anything back and it's usually a sign, at least to me, to move on.



Ditto and good posts vikingfan.

I have encounted that a few times. I have also encountered women who won't even acknowledge you said hello to them.

I always liked Dr Dobson's analogy of a conversation being like a game of catch. If someone asks you how you are and you answer "fine" you have caught the ball and kept it, game over. If you say "fine how are you?" You have caught the ball and thrown it back so the game can continue.


My situation was unusual I know. I gave him no indication that I was interested. But, God had shown him His plan so he did not back down. Unless this is the case.(that God has told you that she is the one, and if he did, do not tell her that![sm=eek.gif]) If she is giving no encouragement. I think it would be a good idea to bow out gracefully.



trainfan -> RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (4/23/2008 6:27:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: followtheLeader

quote:

ORIGINAL: trainfan

quote:

ORIGINAL: followtheLeader

quote:

ORIGINAL: dinomax55

yep, that's the same thing. Since I'm not a woman, I'm not 100% sure what being receptive looks like, but I think (and I'm speaking from my experience with Christian women) Christian women need to be more 'open', more engaging.


Why is is that a man needs the woman to show an interest in him before he will persue? Does that mean any woman will do, as long as she shows the interest first.
Not many years ago it was considered inappropriate for the woman to show any romantic interest in a man until his intentions were known. If I were to go out with a man, it would be because he chose me from among the rest. I want to be chosen. I was chosen, It gave me an added feeling of security in my marriage knowing that he pursued me, for 6 months in fact, before we had our first date. Persistance is a very appealing quality in a man. So is boldness and the ability to bounce back from failure and go at it again. I don't want a man who is looking for the easy way out. I want one who likes a challenge. KWIM


I think one big difference is today if you pursued someone like that it could be considered stalking and could result in all sorts of legal problems for the guy. That of course depends on the woman the guy is pursueing and how he goes about it of course. If the woman has in the past been stalked herself or knows someone who has, she may be very leery of being pursued.

Ya know Trainfan, I can see how you could get that idea, but it was not that way at all. I guess because I shared a bit about how we met elsewhere on the forum I was assuming that somehow you all would know more than you do about how we met. I am learning that maybe the forums is not my best way of communicating with people. I think I need a full time personal editor as to be more clear and not offend.
In answer to your question, I will tell you exactly what came to my mind when I read your response. Hubby would have said, I didn't need to stalk her, I had Anna. Now he would not have stalked me anyway, he was way to classy for that. But my friend Anna did keep him filled in and she talked about him all the time. To the point where one time I said to her,"If you like him so much, you marry him!" LOL. But she knew something I did not at the time. That if I just got to know him, I would love him...and I did. But God had to arrange that.


No offense taken. Years ago one of my cousins did something similar while pursueing his wife. I'm just not so sure how it would work today is all. Interesting story BTW and I didn't mean to make your husband sound like a stalker. [:D]



Dakotasunbeam -> RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (4/23/2008 10:00:05 PM)

quote:

My situation was unusual I know. I gave him no indication that I was interested. But, God had shown him His plan so he did not back down. Unless this is the case.(that God has told you that she is the one, and if he did, do not tell her that! ) If she is giving no encouragement. I think it would be a good idea to bow out gracefully.


This sort of happened to a friend of mine. The guy was absolutely proof positive she was his wife. She completely denied it, rejected it, and refused it, and now they are happily married. Go figure. [8|]

When you say that you gave him no indication . . . does that mean you were interested, you just didn't let him know about it. Or you didn't give him any indication because you were not intersted?



JordanW -> RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (4/23/2008 10:01:50 PM)

I think that if you haven't found the right woman to spend your life with then it just isn't the right time and when the time comes you will know it's right.



WaitingforBoaz -> RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (4/23/2008 10:15:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dakotasunbeam

quote:

My situation was unusual I know. I gave him no indication that I was interested. But, God had shown him His plan so he did not back down. Unless this is the case.(that God has told you that she is the one, and if he did, do not tell her that! ) If she is giving no encouragement. I think it would be a good idea to bow out gracefully.


This sort of happened to a friend of mine. The guy was absolutely proof positive she was his wife. She completely denied it, rejected it, and refused it, and now they are happily married. Go figure. [8|]

When you say that you gave him no indication . . . does that mean you were interested, you just didn't let him know about it. Or you didn't give him any indication because you were not intersted?

When I met him I was not interested at all. He seemed nice enough. But I was honestly not looking for a relationship at that time.(Kinda long story.)
I saw him 2 times in the next 6 months in passing. Six months after meeting him we were thrown together and got to know each other. We were married 8 months later.
(BTW, the day we met, he went home and told his mother that he had met
the woman he was going to marry, she told the whole story at my wedding...which is when I found out as well.)



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (4/23/2008 10:17:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: followtheLeader

(BTW, the day we met, he went home and told his mother that he had met
the woman he was going to marry, she told the whole story at my wedding...which is when I found out as well.)
That's awesome!



dinomax55 -> RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (4/24/2008 8:40:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: followtheLeader

quote:

ORIGINAL: dinomax55

yep, that's the same thing. Since I'm not a woman, I'm not 100% sure what being receptive looks like, but I think (and I'm speaking from my experience with Christian women) Christian women need to be more 'open', more engaging.


Why is is that a man needs the woman to show an interest in him before he will persue? Does that mean any woman will do, as long as she shows the interest first.
Not many years ago it was considered inappropriate for the woman to show any romantic interest in a man until his intentions were known. If I were to go out with a man, it would be because he chose me from among the rest. I want to be chosen. I was chosen, It gave me an added feeling of security in my marriage knowing that he pursued me, for 6 months in fact, before we had our first date. Persistance is a very appealing quality in a man. So is boldness and the ability to bounce back from failure and go at it again. I don't want a man who is looking for the easy way out. I want one who likes a challenge. KWIM

This is what I'm talking about guys.. jumping through hoops!
Guys want to know that they are not wasting their time.. For a young lady to 'hold back' as a man goes through all of the motions of 'pursuing'. It should be more like a dance- the man leads, but she should be dancing too.



WaitingforBoaz -> RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (4/24/2008 10:11:05 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dinomax55

quote:

ORIGINAL: followtheLeader

quote:

ORIGINAL: dinomax55

yep, that's the same thing. Since I'm not a woman, I'm not 100% sure what being receptive looks like, but I think (and I'm speaking from my experience with Christian women) Christian women need to be more 'open', more engaging.


Why is is that a man needs the woman to show an interest in him before he will persue? Does that mean any woman will do, as long as she shows the interest first.
Not many years ago it was considered inappropriate for the woman to show any romantic interest in a man until his intentions were known. If I were to go out with a man, it would be because he chose me from among the rest. I want to be chosen. I was chosen, It gave me an added feeling of security in my marriage knowing that he pursued me, for 6 months in fact, before we had our first date. Persistance is a very appealing quality in a man. So is boldness and the ability to bounce back from failure and go at it again. I don't want a man who is looking for the easy way out. I want one who likes a challenge. KWIM

This is what I'm talking about guys.. jumping through hoops!
Guys want to know that they are not wasting their time.. For a young lady to 'hold back' as a man goes through all of the motions of 'pursuing'. It should be more like a dance- the man leads, but she should be dancing too.


He obviously did not think he was waisting his time.



WaitingforBoaz -> RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (4/24/2008 12:44:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: followtheLeader

quote:

ORIGINAL: dinomax55

quote:

ORIGINAL: followtheLeader

quote:

ORIGINAL: dinomax55

yep, that's the same thing. Since I'm not a woman, I'm not 100% sure what being receptive looks like, but I think (and I'm speaking from my experience with Christian women) Christian women need to be more 'open', more engaging.


Why is is that a man needs the woman to show an interest in him before he will persue? Does that mean any woman will do, as long as she shows the interest first.
Not many years ago it was considered inappropriate for the woman to show any romantic interest in a man until his intentions were known. If I were to go out with a man, it would be because he chose me from among the rest. I want to be chosen. I was chosen, It gave me an added feeling of security in my marriage knowing that he pursued me, for 6 months in fact, before we had our first date. Persistance is a very appealing quality in a man. So is boldness and the ability to bounce back from failure and go at it again. I don't want a man who is looking for the easy way out. I want one who likes a challenge. KWIM

quote:

This is what I'm talking about guys.. jumping through hoops!
Guys want to know that they are not wasting their time.. For a young lady to 'hold back' as a man goes through all of the motions of 'pursuing'. It should be more like a dance- the man leads, but she should be dancing too.


You are making quite an assumption here Dino....I did not hold back and string him along. I simply was not interested until six months after I met him. BTW- you're right it should be like a dance. Assuming she wants to dance that is.



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (4/24/2008 1:06:38 PM)

That was my initial response . . . What if she doesn't want to dance at that particular time?

Is it a now or never type of thing?

Must a woman respond when a man shows interest simply because the interest has been shown?
What about a woman taking her time and thinking things through?


There is something incredibly beautiful and yes, even secure** about a man waiting for a specific woman. It shows that he is intentionally interested in her; not the fact that she's any woman; but a very specific woman, and that the interest in her was more than momentary or even initial intrigue.


** By "secure," I mean both of the following:
- it reveals a bit of a man's confidence;
- it lends to a woman feeling a sense of security with the man



Sometimes the man and woman are on the same page at the same time. Fine.
Sometimes they aren't. There's nothing wrong with that.



redeemedsaint -> RE: Must Christians actively seek a partner? (4/24/2008 1:37:14 PM)

No, I haven't dated in over 20 years and I love my life the way it is. Now iF Mariah Carey wanted to pursue me, then I could be persuaded to change my mind[;)]



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