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Prairiehiker -> Different treatment of grandkids (4/20/2008 7:47:33 PM)

I picked up my nephew today from my mom's house to take him to the movies with my daughter. As soon as he got in the car, he started bragging about receiving almost $100 from Grandma and one of his aunt as a birthday present. My kid turned 11 a few months ago and never received anything from them. She asked me before why they don't give her presents when she goes there every Sunday.

I don't know what to tell her. I am distant from my parents because of the unfair treatment I received from them through out my life. Now, they are doing it to my daughter. Honestly, I'm so hurt by how they are treating my daughter differently from the rest of the grandkids, that I'm seriously thinking of removing her from their life for good.

What should I tell her about the present that the nephew received. I know she will bring it up someday.



garsyt -> RE: Different treatment of grandkids (4/20/2008 7:53:50 PM)

She's 11 - She's already figured it out quite honestly. She has figured out that grandma and auntie play favorites and she is not one. And that does hurt. It hurts deeply. Encourage her to write it out if she likes to write, or to draw a picture about how she feels about it all. Both of those can be very theraputic. Also let her know that she is loved by her parents, and by God and really those are the only ones that matter in the long run. Encourage her to continue to show respect for her grandmother, and her aunt - simply because they are her grandmother and aunt. It's not her fault and make sure she knows this.

Blessings,

Garsy



Sadey -> RE: Different treatment of grandkids (4/20/2008 8:20:38 PM)

It sound like you might distance her and yourself from them. I know thats a hard thng to do but you have suffered from being the least favortie, why would you let that happen to your daughter? Its okay to feel this way and you might want to share what happened to you with your daughter.

I'm a grandma and yes I know my grandkids love and respect me and my kids would have a fit if the grandkids were disrepectful to me or grandpa. But and now please hear me out, if I acted in a way that was mean or hurtful towards my grandkids, like playing favorites or saying hurtful things to them my kids would do something about it and they should.
If I can't treat my grandkids the way I should then I should lose my right to be with them. I get really tired of hearing, well you have to repect your parents, when the parents are stinkers.[:@] Besides you can show them great respect while your are telling them why they are not fit to be around your child.[;)]



garsyt -> RE: Different treatment of grandkids (4/20/2008 8:44:35 PM)

What I meant by respect - is NOT to show disrespect toward them. Just because they are not treating her fairly doesn't mean she has to be disrespectful either. In fact I would go as far as to say she doesn't have to show anything but common courtesy that she would show anyone else should she HAVE to be around them. I have an uncle that is incredibly disrespectful toward me, and many of the choices I have made over the years, in fact he told me that I was ruining my eldest child's chances of becoming ANYTHING because I homeschooled him for a time. [&:] BUT I still have to be around him at times (family reunions, funerals, weddings). I show him common courtesy that I would show anyone that I happened to know.

Blessings,

Garsy



Sadey -> RE: Different treatment of grandkids (4/20/2008 11:01:07 PM)

Garsyt I agree with everything you've said. I also think this woman can respectfully tell her mother that her behavior is not acceptable and to protect her daughter she will have to distance herself and her daughter from grandma. Standing up to her, without going into how she treated her as a child, may bring about some changes.
Respecting your parents does not mean enabling the abuse.
Kids have enough hurts in life without grandma adding to it. I'm not very patient with adults purposely hurting a child and trust me grandma probably knows exactly what shes doing and if not she needs to be told and given a chance to change.

This behavior also damanges the favored child ..



Prairiehiker -> RE: Different treatment of grandkids (4/20/2008 11:12:22 PM)

Thanks to both of you. Should I talk to my daughter about it, or should I wait until she brings it up. SHe's a very sensitive girl, and she notices things like this.

As far as talking to my mom about it, I don't think it's possible as I haven't talked to her in six months. We used to visit every Sunday, but since I stopped, my daughter still wants to visit because the rest of her cousins meet there, so I drop her off there. She has noticed about how my mom treats all my siblings differently. She played favourite with us too, and now she's doing it to her grandchildren.

My response would be to stop dropping my daughter off on Sundays and completely cut them off our lives as it's not a healthy for her and for me.



garsyt -> RE: Different treatment of grandkids (4/20/2008 11:20:34 PM)

Like I said and you confirmed - she already KNOWS that grandma plays favorites.

Yes! You need to bring it up. She is old enough to hear your side of things too, and how you were treated as a kid. I would say that yes, for a time, cutting off contact, except for absolutely neccessary interactions, might make a big difference. Grandma might eventually come to you and ask why dd isn't visiting anymore, then you can tell her why. BUT then again, it might not result in any changes whatsoever. My uncle has NEVER changed his ways. I basically avoid him at family functions if I can, and have informed my children that they do NOT have to talk to or listen to him either.

Either way - with a temporay break in contact or a permanant break - your dd will be better off.

Blessings,

Garsy



pbaribeault -> RE: Different treatment of grandkids (4/21/2008 5:02:46 PM)

FIRST, please, please check out the kid's story! Just because it's believable based on your history with them doesn't mean it's true. Perhaps the $100 came 'mostly' from the aunt, or perhaps the boy in question just likes to make a sensation with amazing numbers like 100. Are you absolutely sure that all the other kids are getting gifts? It's also possible that the nephew had a milestone birthday, and that they give gifts only for those ones.

Most people who play favorites imagine that they have a reason. Since you and them are at odds, perhaps they are thinking that they don't want to support whatever you are doing and/or how you are living. Or perhaps they think that you have 'enough' or that you are spoiling your daughter already. Perhaps you don't make your kids write thank you notes, and they have a rule that 3 un-thanked presents is a cut-off.

I don't know the situation clearly, but I'm posting because I'm not sure you know it clearly either.

You are very hurt from your childhood and it's going to be really hard if you choose to support a relationship between your daughter and them. You'll need to work through your issues and memories and come to a peacefulness about it from your own perspective.

However, if you feel she is being intentionally hurt, the last thing you should be doing is dropping her off unsupervised and undefended. You need to be with her to assess if they are treating her badly when she visits. If they are hurtful afternoons, end them, but if you are becoming agitated based on your own experiences, that might not be fair.



buckifn -> RE: Different treatment of grandkids (4/21/2008 5:57:55 PM)

I would say check yourself very honestly by asking the Holy Spirit to search your heart and show you anything in your heart towards your parents that is not a reflection of God's love.

Does money really matter more to you than a relationship? I would not allow any amt of money to be a reason I poison my child's mind towards their grandparent's. The way I see it, if there is more money given to one child than another who cares. If my child needs money it's my responsibility as a parent to see they have it. But does an 11 yr. old child really need that amt of money for a gift?

Please understand I am in no way suggesting you condone behaviours you don't agree with, but I am saying filter your words and actions through the Holy Spirit before saying anything to your child.


Regardless of what your relationship has been with your parent's you now have an opportunity to teach your child to always take the high road when it comes to relationships. If it were my child I would find something positive to associate with the grandparent's and leave it at that.



Prairiehiker -> RE: Different treatment of grandkids (4/21/2008 9:37:00 PM)

First of all, this is never about money. This is about being fair to all the grandchildren and not showing a special favour to the others. And yes, I've seen my mom give gifts to the other children on their birthdays and never to mine. It wasn't a milestone birthday. And just because I'm doing well financially doesn't mean they don't have to recognize my daughter's birthday.

I've been at odds with them only the last few months, and it's because of what I've noticed how they treat us. They are not mean, but their subtle way of favouring the other ones are hurtful. I've been through that all my life, and I finally decided that I am not going to be part of that anymore. However, my little girl wants to play with her cousins on Sunday, so I drop her off there as it's a Sunday afternoon ritual.

And yes, the kid wasn't just telling a story. His mom told me about it too. As for the aunts, that would be equally hurtful as I've never missed giving their children gifts and bringing them things when I go away on vacation. I even take them out all the time to movies or concerts or anything that I take my kid too.

I know I shoudl forgive, but even if I do, I don't want to reconcile with them anymore.



lightshineon -> RE: Different treatment of grandkids (4/21/2008 10:02:17 PM)

That is something, I would cut off too, but not before explaining, and getting an explanation.



pbaribeault -> RE: Different treatment of grandkids (4/22/2008 9:34:25 AM)

There is a space between 'reconciling' and cutting off. Its where a strong person can allow unkind people to act in unkind ways without getting bothered about it. Part of that is forgiveness, and the other part is getting rid of all your expectations and hopes - everything you think parents/grandparents "should" do.

They don't "have" to recognize your daughter's birthday any more than they "have" to recognize the 4th of July or any more than they "have" to give donations to the cancer society. If your daughter is 11 and they haven't honoured her special day yet, chances are they never will.

Giving presents is NICE, not mandatory. Being fair with your affection is NICE - but not a moral obligation.

Whatever ways they are subtly nasty they are probably going to keep up... So if you are going to forgive them, you need to pre-forgive them for continuing to be this way for the rest of their lives. Give them your 'permission' not to be nice, and refuse to be hurt when they behave exactly like you pretty much know they are going to.

This is not to say not to protect yourself - it is a way of protecting yourself. It is one of the very intense powers of forgiveness, to protect your heart.

I'm also not saying that you should not have practical strategies (limiting contact, not leaving your daughter alone and leaving as soon as things get nasty) to keep things under control from your end. You just can't make them be nice, so you might as well stop feeling stabbed in the back every time they are unkind.

And it's clearly unfair for you to continue to give gifts and involve the cousins in events when that is not being reciprocated. You should either stop that so you don't live with the resentment and tension... Or you should accept that being 'the bigger person' in your family means that you are nice while others are not, consider that a ministry of kindness and a call of the Holy Spirit, and go ahead with a bigger heart.



Leslie_JnJs_mom -> RE: Different treatment of grandkids (4/22/2008 9:50:56 AM)

I wonder how long it will take for the cousins to realize that your daughter is not a favored one so she is ok to pick on and cast out with grandma's approval. Kids are great at finding out which kid is ok to pick on even in families.



buckifn -> RE: Different treatment of grandkids (4/22/2008 12:06:13 PM)

quote:

I've been at odds with them only the last few months, and it's because of what I've noticed how they treat us. They are not mean, but their subtle way of favouring the other ones are hurtful.


But you said in your first post...

"I am distant from my parents because of the unfair treatment I received from them through out my life. Now, they are doing it to my daughter."

Which is it? Longterm or recent? At any rate I still think the right thing to do is filter your attitude through the guidance of the Holy Spirit...and quite honestly that is not what I am hearing in your posts...I am hearing a wounded person wanting to make sure her daughter isn't wounded to by sharing with her how your parents have hurt you in the past.

I don't think that is what the Holy Spirit would tell us to do.

Even if you agree to not spend time with your parents you should still strongly urge your daughter to pray for them and model that in your own life too. Sowing seeds of bitterness only perpetuates more of the same...it does nothing to bring healing.



worthaboverubies -> RE: Different treatment of grandkids (4/23/2008 11:53:44 AM)

I see nothing wrong in wanting to protect your child's feelings.

My own mother favors my kids and it shows. Me and my siblings have talked to her about it but nothing has changed. Now my brother is limiting her interaction with his kids.

You can pray for your parents to change but you don't have to subject your daughter to that kind of treatment in the meantime.



shadowspring -> RE: Different treatment of grandkids (4/23/2008 2:24:13 PM)

I agree with pbaribeault.

You can't change other people. You can only control yourself.

If you want to give generous gifts to your ungrateful and unreciprocating family, do so! Do it to be an example of unselfish love. But DO NOT expect any gratitude. Do NOT expect them to suddenly heal themselves of their pettiness and become generous and unselfish themselves. That is highly unrealistic.

If you don't want to give gifts- DON'T GIVE GIFTS! Go spend the money on your precious daughter instead. God hates it when we give out of obligation. Give where you can give cheerfully. [:D]

Drop off a card if you must acknowledge the day, but don't do anything that you will resent if it is not returned in kind later.

In this way, you can accomplish all sorts of good things! Here's a few I can think of:

Teach your daughter to let go of unrealistic expectations.
Teach your daughter unselfish love and good will. (Giving cards on special days.)
Teach your daughter to give cheerfully when she gives, and not give more than that.
Teach your daughter to accept people where they are, for who they are.



stateofgrace -> RE: Different treatment of grandkids (4/23/2008 3:02:27 PM)

Unfortunately some grandparents do play favorites; life isn't "fair."

One of my husband's brothers has five kids and a SAH wife, who is from another country so her parents are an ocean away. The wife has basically become my MIL's "adopted" daughter (which, to be frank, MIL desired, and with me and her third DIL, we already had families that we were close to, we weren't looking for a new mother). Their kids stay at my in laws almost as much as they are home (since they are homeschooled, they can have a flexible schedule, and since there are five of them, MIL thought it was important for her to "help out"). I know my in laws have helped them financially repeatedly in the past - and I would not be surprised if that has continued recently, "just because."

These kids are really good kids, but we reap what we sow, and they do tend to "expect" special treatment now.



kburrow -> RE: Different treatment of grandkids (4/23/2008 10:05:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn

quote:

I've been at odds with them only the last few months, and it's because of what I've noticed how they treat us. They are not mean, but their subtle way of favouring the other ones are hurtful.


But you said in your first post...

"I am distant from my parents because of the unfair treatment I received from them through out my life. Now, they are doing it to my daughter."

Which is it? Longterm or recent? At any rate I still think the right thing to do is filter your attitude through the guidance of the Holy Spirit...and quite honestly that is not what I am hearing in your posts...I am hearing a wounded person wanting to make sure her daughter isn't wounded to by sharing with her how your parents have hurt you in the past.

I don't think that is what the Holy Spirit would tell us to do.

Even if you agree to not spend time with your parents you should still strongly urge your daughter to pray for them and model that in your own life too. Sowing seeds of bitterness only perpetuates more of the same...it does nothing to bring healing.



Buckfn,

I am in a similar situation, as detailed in past posts. I also do not want my children to be on the receiving end of the same hurtful behaviors I grew up with.

As a survivor of abuse, I find it unconscionable to expose my children to abuse from my parents. I know better. How dare I expose them to a known threat when I have a covenant responsibility to protect them?

That isn't "bitterness"; that's taking responsibility for my children's wellbeing.

Just from Prairiehiker's post, it's hard to tell how severe the abuse is in her family, but being treated like a second class citizen *is* hurtful, especially to a child. I would absolutely talk to her honestly about how her grandparents are treating her. Explain that it's hurtful and wrong, and then figure out how to deal with it, whether that means less contact or just turning the other cheek.

I would *never* tell my child that they *must* associate with someone who treats them poorly. This was the expectation for me growing up. It just set me up for dating relationships where I was again mistreated because this was the expectation I was taught for myself. It took a long time to break that pattern. God does not call us to be abused.

I highly recommend "Boundaries" and "Safe People" by Cloud and Townsend, as well as anything else they've written. They do a good job explaining scripturally when we are called to turn the other cheek and when we are called to shake the dust from our feet and move on.

Personally, as an abuse survivor trying to do the right thing for her own kids (which is my case means no contact with my parents at all), your "Holy Spirit" comment comes across as a real slap in the face. I thank God the counselors at my church had the grace not to speak to me in such a manner. I was taught at my new church not to question another's religious experience, including how the HS is prompting them. IMO, if a parent feels the HS is leading them to protect their children from an abusive situation, it is not anyone else's place to question that conviction.

Follow your gut, PrairieHiker. Talk honestly with your child about how people deserve to be treated scripturally. You may wish to consider confronting your parents according to the guidelines in Matthew. Don't sweep it under the rug or pretend it's not happening. In my own childhood, that just taught me that I deserved to be treated differently than others in my family.

I have a lot of hurt now about that, especially toward my mother who let it happen. Think of how your child will look at you in retrospect 20 years from now. Do you want her to remember you turning a blind eye to abuse, or do you want her to remember that you were honest and looked out for her best interests as a mother should?

Good luck,

Kim



Sadey -> RE: Different treatment of grandkids (4/23/2008 11:04:07 PM)

Wow Kim, what a beautiful post and thank you for sharing your story,
I was talking to a friend today and we were discussing child sexual abuse and how easily people dismiss it and want the cheap fix, forgive and forget and those people will surely never do it again ect ect.

It seems to me that some of the posters on this thread are much more concerned with the grandparents who are playing favorites than they are with the children who are being hurt.

Prairiehiker I think you are so right to want to protect your daughter. It shows that you are healthy enough to know that how your parents treated you was wrong and that can be a big step for an adult abused as a child. And it was abuse, maybe not physical or sexual but it was abuse to make a child feel less than.

Just some thoughts that went through my mind as I read all these posts.



Prairiehiker -> RE: Different treatment of grandkids (4/24/2008 10:00:22 AM)

Thanks for all different opinion on this matter. I personally don't believe that we should let evil go by without speaking against it. Although, my situation isn't an obvious evil where it kills the body, it definitely has the capacity to destroy the spirit. It is unrealistic, even unhealthy, to expect a little child to teach her to accept how people mistreat you and to ignore the pain she feels about it. It's the same as accepting abusive situation.



Sadey -> RE: Different treatment of grandkids (4/24/2008 1:47:56 PM)

Good for you Prairiehiker



shadowspring -> RE: Different treatment of grandkids (4/24/2008 6:00:34 PM)

quote:

It is unrealistic, even unhealthy, to expect a little child to teach her to accept how people mistreat you and to ignore the pain she feels about it. It's the same as accepting abusive situation.


Who suggested that?!?



Sadey -> RE: Different treatment of grandkids (4/24/2008 10:29:28 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn

I would say check yourself very honestly by asking the Holy Spirit to search your heart and show you anything in your heart towards your parents that is not a reflection of God's love.

Does money really matter more to you than a relationship? I would not allow any amt of money to be a reason I poison my child's mind towards their grandparent's. The way I see it, if there is more money given to one child than another who cares. If my child needs money it's my responsibility as a parent to see they have it. But does an 11 yr. old child really need that amt of money for a gift?

Please understand I am in no way suggesting you condone behaviours you don't agree with, but I am saying filter your words and actions through the Holy Spirit before saying anything to your child.


Regardless of what your relationship has been with your parent's you now have an opportunity to teach your child to always take the high road when it comes to relationships. If it were my child I would find something positive to associate with the grandparent's and leave it at that.

quote:

Regardless of what your relationship has been with your parent's you now have an opportunity to teach your child to always take the high road when it comes to relationships. If it were my child I would find something positive to associate with the grandparent's and leave it at that.


I think this may be what she is talking about? The last paragraph?

Sorry I'm not quite sure how to do the quote thing.



buckifn -> RE: Different treatment of grandkids (4/25/2008 12:54:31 PM)

quote:

Personally, as an abuse survivor trying to do the right thing for her own kids (which is my case means no contact with my parents at all), your "Holy Spirit" comment comes across as a real slap in the face. I thank God the counselors at my church had the grace not to speak to me in such a manner. I was taught at my new church not to question another's religious experience, including how the HS is prompting them. IMO, if a parent feels the HS is leading them to protect their children from an abusive situation, it is not anyone else's place to question that conviction.


I don't understand how a person who knows God can be offended by saying filter our actions motives words etc through the Holy Spirit. I did in NO MANNER say expose a child to abuse...If you took that as questioning your religious experience I did not mean it as such..in fact it was said with much love..because after many years of working with abuse victims I have seen the healing the Holy Spirit alone can bring in hurt damaged lives.

There is NO WAY in this life I would ever say do not protect your child from abuse. In fact if you don't do that I would probably be pushing for your prosecution. What I did say is do not project your bitterness hurt and anger on a child thus transferrring your wounds to them.

I do not believe refusing to give a gift of $$$$$$$$$$$$$$ constitutes abuse. In fact the relationship I would hope to have between a grandparent and a child is one that is based on the joy and love of being together not money.

If the op is saying her child is a victim of sexual abuse I missed it, but if she is there is no way I would by any means suggest she push the child to be around a sexual abuser. I thought the question was about one child receiving a gift of money and one child didn't?



Prairiehiker -> RE: Different treatment of grandkids (4/25/2008 9:04:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn

quote:

Personally, as an abuse survivor trying to do the right thing for her own kids (which is my case means no contact with my parents at all), your "Holy Spirit" comment comes across as a real slap in the face. I thank God the counselors at my church had the grace not to speak to me in such a manner. I was taught at my new church not to question another's religious experience, including how the HS is prompting them. IMO, if a parent feels the HS is leading them to protect their children from an abusive situation, it is not anyone else's place to question that conviction.


I don't understand how a person who knows God can be offended by saying filter our actions motives words etc through the Holy Spirit. I did in NO MANNER say expose a child to abuse...If you took that as questioning your religious experience I did not mean it as such..in fact it was said with much love..because after many years of working with abuse victims I have seen the healing the Holy Spirit alone can bring in hurt damaged lives.

There is NO WAY in this life I would ever say do not protect your child from abuse. In fact if you don't do that I would probably be pushing for your prosecution. What I did say is do not project your bitterness hurt and anger on a child thus transferrring your wounds to them.

I do not believe refusing to give a gift of $$$$$$$$$$$$$$ constitutes abuse. In fact the relationship I would hope to have between a grandparent and a child is one that is based on the joy and love of being together not money.

If the op is saying her child is a victim of sexual abuse I missed it, but if she is there is no way I would by any means suggest she push the child to be around a sexual abuser. I thought the question was about one child receiving a gift of money and one child didn't?


Buckfin, you're the only one that's making this to be about money. It's never been about that. It's about favouring one grandchild over another, and treating them differently. It's not about physical abuse. For someone who works in the counselligng field, you seem to be completely blind to how self esteem of children can be so eroded by how parents and grandparents show favouritism of one child over another. You assumed that I've been talking to my daughter about how my parents have mistreated me, when you couldn't be further from the truth. She has no clue why I distant myself from my parents. I'm allowing her to have a relationship with them, but what I'm seeing is what my daughter has been noticing. IT's that she is not viewed as equal by my parents. As for the gift that my nephew received, it wasn't me that mentioned it. My nephew bragged to my little girl about it. If you haven't read what I've written, my daughter was hurt that no one in the family remembered her birthday and no one gave her a gift for her birthday. SO, for her to hear that someone received a gift was hurtful to her (actually, everyone who's had a birthday so far this year has received a gift from my mom).

I don't know what world you live in, but Cinderella is a fairly tale. I doubt that my daughter would end up like a sweet, innocent girl, and live happily ever after like Cinderella if I let her believe that it's ok for people that are supposed to care about her to thinks she's less of a person in their eyes.



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