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BugLady -> Christian Serial Daters (4/26/2008 7:04:57 PM)

Have you ever known any Christian Serial Daters?

Have you ever been one yourself?

Let's define it as someone who follows biblical principles in dating, yet dates a lot without choosing to marry anyone they date. Or even someone who might date multiple people at the same time.

If you have been a serial dater what is it that kept you from choosing just one?

Do you think it may be harder for Christian men to choose which women to date than it is for Christian women to choose which men to date?



rgod -> RE: Christian Serial Daters (4/26/2008 9:51:43 PM)

I tried this briefly, but found that I don't have the stomach for it. It was good for me to understand a bit of what I liked, what I didn't, and to meet different people - but it was always hard to end things (even after just a couple of dates) especially when they wanted to continue (which seemed to just about always be the case). I would end it, but ... it made the dating process seem more dramatic than it needed to be. While I'm glad for the brief foray and felt led in this direction (for good reason - it really made me appreciate the Lord a lot more) - I think I'm basically a "let's get to know you at church/class, etc." - then be friends - then court - kind of gal.

I think it is harder for Christian women because we can't (or often choose not to) take the initiative. So, we are in the position to say "no" or "yes" but not really to actively choose. So if a man is ready to be married (if he even thinks that way - some are waiting for Ms. Right and then they'll think about marriage), he has a lot more control over the process. Also, as a female, I know other Christian females and it seems to me that there are many more Christian females who are serious about the Lord than there are Christian males. That is probably not the case, but that is certainly the way it seems.



John_O -> RE: Christian Serial Daters (4/26/2008 10:18:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BugLady

Have you ever known any Christian Serial Daters?


I don't think so. But I've only moved in single circles for a short while

quote:

Have you ever been one yourself?


I can't even talk to more than one woman I'd be interested in dating at the same time. I've had otwo dates since I started dating. One to try, two to confirm that it wouldn't work. If it had worked I wouldn't need to date again.

quote:

Do you think it may be harder for Christian men to choose which women to date than it is for Christian women to choose which men to date?


Never having been a Christina woman I have no way to answer that. I'd guess though that it's about the same



Prairiehiker -> RE: Christian Serial Daters (4/26/2008 11:04:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BugLady

Have you ever known any Christian Serial Daters?

I don't know what this means? Are you referring to people who date for the sake of dating and have someone to do things with, or to people who date in order to find a suitable partner go through numerous dates frequently?

quote:

Have you ever been one yourself?
I'm more a serial monogamous when it comes to dating. I do admit to having been a one date wonder though, as I would never go out with a man twice if I knew after the first date that he's not someone I'd consider for long term.


quote:

Let's define it as someone who follows biblical principles in dating, yet dates a lot without choosing to marry anyone they date. Or even someone who might date multiple people at the same time.


I don't understand the idea of dating multiple people at the same time. I can't be attracted to two people at the same time.

quote:

If you have been a serial dater what is it that kept you from choosing just one?
N/A


quote:

Do you think it may be harder for Christian men to choose which women to date than it is for Christian women to choose which men to date?

I don't know. I think it's harder for me to find someone I'm interested in dating. I'm not sure if I'd feel the same if I was a man.



BugLady -> RE: Christian Serial Daters (4/26/2008 11:11:54 PM)

I defined it as this below:

quote:

Let's define it as someone who follows biblical principles in dating, yet dates a lot without choosing to marry anyone they date. Or even someone who might date multiple people at the same time.


...but either one of these work too.

quote:

Are you referring to people who date for the sake of dating and have someone to do things with, or to people who date in order to find a suitable partner go through numerous dates frequently?


I'm just curious why some people have such a difficult time finding someone when they've dated many suitable people.



Prairiehiker -> RE: Christian Serial Daters (4/26/2008 11:36:26 PM)

quote:

I'm just curious why some people have such a difficult time finding someone when they've dated many suitable people.

Can there really be many suitable people? How many people does one connect with spiritually, physically, emotionally, and intellectually, and have a deep respect and admiration plus a mind blowing chemistry with each other?



BugLady -> RE: Christian Serial Daters (4/26/2008 11:52:20 PM)

quote:

Can there really be many suitable people?


Yes, I think there can.


quote:

How many people does one connect with spiritually, physically, emotionally, and intellectually, and have a deep respect and admiration plus a mind blowing chemistry with each other?


I guess that's it then. This ^^ must be what a serial dater is looking for.



shemaromans -> RE: Christian Serial Daters (4/26/2008 11:58:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker

quote:

I'm just curious why some people have such a difficult time finding someone when they've dated many suitable people.

Can there really be many suitable people? How many people does one connect with spiritually, physically, emotionally, and intellectually, and have a deep respect and admiration plus a mind blowing chemistry with each other?

I tend to agree with you, Prairie.



Prairiehiker -> RE: Christian Serial Daters (4/27/2008 12:05:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BugLady

quote:

Can there really be many suitable people?


Yes, I think there can.


quote:

How many people does one connect with spiritually, physically, emotionally, and intellectually, and have a deep respect and admiration plus a mind blowing chemistry with each other?


I guess that's it then. This ^^ must be what a serial dater is looking for.


For me, I'd have to have all of essential that I wrote down, otherwise, I'd move on to the next one. Chemistry only goes so far. If all other things are not there, then, it'll wear off. And no, I still don't think there's many suitable partners. There's probably a handful of people that I could have a successful, happy marriage with (which I haven't met yet), but many? I really don't think so.



CoeurdeLeon -> RE: Christian Serial Daters (4/27/2008 8:02:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BugLady

quote:

Can there really be many suitable people?


Yes, I think there can.


quote:

How many people does one connect with spiritually, physically, emotionally, and intellectually, and have a deep respect and admiration plus a mind blowing chemistry with each other?


I guess that's it then. This ^^ must be what a serial dater is looking for.

I agree with both parts of your response, Buglady.

I, myself, have found that "mind blowing chemistry" is a red flag. For me. People who seem to know all the right buttons to push aren't the kind I'd like to be married to.



dinomax55 -> RE: Christian Serial Daters (4/27/2008 8:46:00 AM)

Yeah, I might have been a serial dater for a few months a while back.. I was frustrated with the 'marriageable options' that were in my circle at the time, and I decided to increase my options.. so I went out of my way a bit, and just dated for the sake of dating for a while.. It was more of a phase, but I did make some new connections that still exist to this day..
However, I realize now that what lies beneath is a frustration with God's timetable that comes out in forms like that. For me, it's important to remember to be balanced.. The 'do nothing' option isn't good, but neither is the 'take matters in your own hands' option.

As for your second question, I disagree with rgod.. I say that it's harder for the man, because he has to draw up the courage to step up to the lady, and he has to say the right things, and he has to hope that she tolerates him enough to say yes and choose him over other guys that might be interested.. All a woman has to do is say yes or no. So it's more difficult for guys- we may want to date you, but that doesn't mean we will be able to.



BugLady -> RE: Christian Serial Daters (4/27/2008 9:34:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon

I, myself, have found that "mind blowing chemistry" is a red flag. For me. People who seem to know all the right buttons to push aren't the kind I'd like to be married to.


For me as well. Chemistry can be a tricky thing. If one is not careful, it can cause them to overlook things that shouldn't ought to be overlooked. This is merely my opinon based upon a limited research, of course. [:)]



rgod -> RE: Christian Serial Daters (4/27/2008 4:48:29 PM)

quote:

As for your second question, I disagree with rgod.. I say that it's harder for the man, because he has to draw up the courage to step up to the lady, and he has to say the right things, and he has to hope that she tolerates him enough to say yes and choose him over other guys that might be interested.. All a woman has to do is say yes or no. So it's more difficult for guys- we may want to date you, but that doesn't mean we will be able to.


Dinomax, good point. I didn't think about it the other way around ... it must be difficult to approach someone, particularly if she isn't clear about how she feels ... I guess I was thinking about it from that perspective. Maybe it is just difficult all around ...



makarizo -> RE: Christian Serial Daters (4/27/2008 7:00:08 PM)

Have you ever known any Christian Serial Daters?
Have you ever been one yourself?

yesum, I could (by your definition) easily fit into that category. For me it is the approach, as in I am always looking for a new friend, I will always be interested in listening & sharing faith. By experience, I have learned that it is very important to make sure the intentions are clearly understood, and even after they supposedly are....... even to the point of saying "if you are looking for more than this, it might not be such a good idea to go out with me." the words get brushed aside a little.


If you have been a serial dater what is it that kept you from choosing just one?
there are at least 700 answers to this question. Maybe it is the skeleton that lurks in my closet telling me "never again" or maybe there was a compromise..... a line that couldn't be faithfully stepped across.
I have been engaged more than a few couple of times. Sometimes it seemed to be the beginning of veering off onto different pages.

Do you think it may be harder for Christian men to choose which women to date than it is for Christian women to choose which men to date?


I can only answer from my perspective, and I would say that it is harder for the Christian man (although it is probably exactly equal)
the Bible gives no specific outline for the ins and outs on the specifics of dating.... if a woman gives me her trust, that is HUGE, and I must treat it with the utmost respect. a woman will make herself available, and from there, the rest of the "work" is mine... when to call, how much to call, what is acceptable, what is pushing it, .... her language, paying attention to her,
good communication has "chemistry" whipped by a long shot!! we are all much too cognitive to be run by chemicals that are probably all self induced by some emotional state.



shemaromans -> RE: Christian Serial Daters (4/27/2008 7:48:41 PM)

quote:

good communication has "chemistry" whipped by a long shot!! we are all much too cognitive to be run by chemicals that are probably all self induced by some emotional state.

That's a very interesting thought. I've always considered communication to be part of the chemistry. How do you define chemistry? I'm interested in hearing your definition as it will give me something to think about.



Prairiehiker -> RE: Christian Serial Daters (4/27/2008 7:55:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shemaromans

quote:

good communication has "chemistry" whipped by a long shot!! we are all much too cognitive to be run by chemicals that are probably all self induced by some emotional state.

That's a very interesting thought. I've always considered communication to be part of the chemistry. How do you define chemistry? I'm interested in hearing your definition as it will give me something to think about.


I agree with you on this. Communicating with someone you have some chemistry with makes it more enjoyable. It becomes more than just exchanging facts. I mean, I have nothing against having a good communication with someone. In fact, most of the guys I hike with, I can talk to for hours during our hikes. There's one that I admire and respect greatly. But I won't date him because there's just this certain something that's missing. I call that missing element "chemistry". And there's this man that I have this amazing chemistry with. He's been trying to convince me that "chemistry" is where it all starts, but I also won't date him because I can't see us having any future together. So, I'm not just one aspect of my brain when I'm dating, like a few of the posts seems to suggest.



BugLady -> RE: Christian Serial Daters (4/27/2008 8:18:38 PM)

quote:

I've always considered communication to be part of the chemistry.


It can be, and it should be.



John_O -> RE: Christian Serial Daters (4/27/2008 9:31:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon
I, myself, have found that "mind blowing chemistry" is a red flag. For me. People who seem to know all the right buttons to push aren't the kind I'd like to be married to.


But is it that they are pushing buttons or that they just naturally click with you? M and I had great chemistry and she was anything but a button pusher.

We can guard against being manipulated so greatly that we miss any chance to be naturally connected.



BugLady -> RE: Christian Serial Daters (4/27/2008 9:51:47 PM)

quote:

We can guard against being manipulated so greatly that we miss any chance to be naturally connected.


Not when we rely on our God given discernment. Nearly every single time I've listened to the calm little discerning voice, I've been right. Every single time I've ignored that little discerning voice, I've been wrong- at least to some extent.



John_O -> RE: Christian Serial Daters (4/27/2008 10:26:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BugLady

quote:

We can guard against being manipulated so greatly that we miss any chance to be naturally connected.


Not when we rely on our God given discernment. Nearly every single time I've listened to the calm little discerning voice, I've been right. Every single time I've ignored that little discerning voice, I've been wrong- at least to some extent.



Excellent point. But is every instance of great chemistry accompanied by the still small voice saying "no". or do our own protections against being manipulated sometimes work against us?



makarizo -> RE: Christian Serial Daters (4/27/2008 11:30:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shemaromans

quote:

good communication has "chemistry" whipped by a long shot!! we are all much too cognitive to be run by chemicals that are probably all self induced by some emotional state.

That's a very interesting thought. I've always considered communication to be part of the chemistry. How do you define chemistry? I'm interested in hearing your definition as it will give me something to think about.

there is a secular word, it's called instant kharma. I don't like the phrase. but it is what some people would call good chemistry.... I am not one of them. Although, I see chemistry as the ability to see and perceive that unspoken language, knowing and understanding the looks, and the gesture, the ability to finish a thought.
If this is something that happens immediately, it is fun and exciting, but it is NOT God saying "this is the one" in fact the red lights should be blinking all over the place... Good chemistry can be obtained by good communication. "I think, therefore I feel" Just like the advice Paul gives in Philippians 4.

if it is "I feel, therefore I think" it is just an emotional wrong turn.



BugLady -> RE: Christian Serial Daters (4/27/2008 11:35:14 PM)

quote:

But is every instance of great chemistry accompanied by the still small voice saying "no". or do our own protections against being manipulated sometimes work against us?


Nope. Sometimes good chemistry gets a yes from that voice (not to be confused with voices in my head. For the record I do not and have never heard voices in my head- just had to add that for any future background checks!) My own protections against being manipulated certainly don't work against me. God is good! He has sharpened my discernment greatly for my own protection. Praise Your Name, Lord Jesus!



rgod -> RE: Christian Serial Daters (4/28/2008 4:34:21 AM)

This discussion on chemistry has been excellent. It has given me a lot to think about it. I'm glad you guys are talking about this. Thanks shemaromans for getting the ball rolling.



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