non-Christian friends and tough situations

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bella05 -> non-Christian friends and tough situations (4/27/2008 3:09:39 PM)
Hello ladies, I have a somewhat close friend who's a non-christian, maybe even an atheist. I'm not sure. She seems to be easily offended by Christianity. For example, she's going through a life changing event right now and I said that I'll keep her in prayer. And she rolled her eyes and said keep your fingers crossed instead. I didn't know what to say at that point and changed the subject. Should I stop saying that I'll keep her in prayer? Also, I was out to dinner with 5 old college friends recently. Once a year we get together to catch-up and to see how everyone's doing. One friend asked loudly and sounded angry, I don't understand why the Christian Church says that it's not right to live together with your boyfriend or fiance? She was looking right at me and I was the only Christian there. Two girls are living w/ their boyfriend and one girl is living w/ her fiance. The girls stated their agreements angrily on how times are different, you have to test the waters, it's convenient, etc. I didn't answer them because I was afraid of being verbally attacked. My question is: What do you say or how do you act if a disagreement comes up in conversation? Or even if you know your friend is not making a wise decision? How do you still be loving and honest at the same time? I try to be understanding and honest but some people really get defensive. I don't do well at all with confrontations and was always timid. I am praying to overcome it. How do you handle these types of situations? Thank you very much in advance, Bella

purejoy -> RE: non-Christian friends and tough situations (4/27/2008 3:22:53 PM)
Hi Bella. Welcome to the boards. [:)] To answer your questions... As far as saying you are praying for someone, I don't think that you need to stop saying that unless they ask you to, because in reality, that's still what you're doing. You're not keeping your fingers crossed or hoping for good karma or whatever...you're praying for them. If they tell you they don't want to hear that from you anymore, what I personally would do is say "Ok, I won't tell you again, but I do want to help you, and the best way I can do that is by praying. So I will still do that." And leave it at that. As far as the other situations, one of the things I have found to be most effective is to immediately diffuse the situation. Don't bite on their attempt to get into an argument. Stop and listen, really listen, to why they feel the way they do. To be honest, a lot of people have been burned by "church" and "Christianity." A bad situation likely occurred between them and "the church" or "a Christian" and that is what has led them to their current opinion. If you stop and take the time to really listen to them, you can get to the bottom of where that opinion is coming from. And then love them. In your conversations just love them. That doesn't mean you need to agree with their opinions, but you can lovingly listen and lovingly offer what you believe. I.E., "I can see why that situation has really turned you off the Christianity. You obviously know I'm a Christian, and the reason I think that God doesn't want people to live together before they're married is because he's trying to protect us. He loves us enough that he doesn't want our hearts broken to that extent, so he has offerred us ways to prevent that from happening" is a whole lot different from "Well, it's wrong. God says it's a sin and sinners go to hell." I know I'm being overly dramatic. In all honesty, some people are going to be defensive and not listen to you at all. But that's ok, because you can still love them. Which is usually bigger than any words might be.

3cappuccinosmom -> RE: non-Christian friends and tough situations (4/27/2008 4:29:53 PM)
Bella, you don't need to stop saying that you're praying for them, unless they ask you to, and even then you can still pray. :) The previous poster gave a really great answer for your other question! You can be an awesome witness by giving a gracious and well-reasoned answer to such things. These girls think that the sex-before-marriage-ban is because God and Christianity are controlling killjoys. You can explain that you believe sex is a wonderful gift, but can cause so much harm and pain if misused, and that is why God tells us to reserve it for marriage. Because he loves us. [:D]

Prairiehiker -> RE: non-Christian friends and tough situations (4/27/2008 6:13:49 PM)
I don't know if you're familiar with Chuck Swindoll. He's a preacher, and a very good one too. The other day, his message was about how to deal with non Christians. He said that the biggest barrier to Christianity is Christians themselves. We are judgmental and we require people to change before we start loving them. I don't think that's what you're doign as it's clear that you care for your friend. I'll post a link of the podcast once if I can find it again. One thing I can say is that don't expect your friend to live according to your own (our own) Christian values as she doesn't know Christ yet. It won't be an effective way to witness to her. She knows where you stand. If she asks, then tell her why, and point to the verses in the bible why you consider these acts to be sinful (living together, etc). Also, be happy around her. I doubt she'd want to be a Christian if you're miserable and argumentative (which you're not). I sense that you're very caring. I know that if it was me, I'd feel a bit hurt and criticized and it would make me a bit defensive. Keep praying but you don't have to mention it to her all the time. If you want to talk about your CHristian belief, then maybe talk lightheartedly about what you did in church, or what your group is studying. If she's not open to listening, then just be her friend. Be kind and accepting of her; not her actions. She'll learn to trust you that way, and be attracted to Jesus through you.

BrowneyedAL -> RE: non-Christian friends and tough situations (4/27/2008 7:17:35 PM)
You've received some awesome responses already. I completely agree with the poster who said that it's likely that (in both scenarios really but even more so I can see it in the second situation) your friends have had a negative encounter either with the church or with a 'Christian'. I put that in quotes because (and I think we've all encountered these individuals) they use the claim of being Christian to pass judgement on others actions while at the same time living their own lives in very obvious contradiction of their claiming to be Christian. (I'm not talking about not quite getting their walk right...that's all of us...I'm talking about those who only give lip service to being Christian and make no attempt to actually follow Christ). None of us enjoy being judged...I mean, let's face it, it's no fun. So if your friends only contact with Christianity or the Church is having others tell them that they are doing this wrong or that wrong...then it's understandable that they would not be interested in being a part of it...they aren't seeing or feeling Christ's love...only the judgement of people. With that sort of preconceived notion, why would anyone pick up a bible or join a church? So think of yourself as the only bible they may ever read...do your best to love your friends unconditionally just as our loving Father loves us...and try to model for them the true peace, fulfillment and freedom that comes from Him. Keep bringing your friends before the Lord in prayer, and ask God to give you the right words at the right time to help bring them to Him...then wait on His perfect timing.

dmistich -> RE: non-Christian friends and tough situations (4/27/2008 7:36:36 PM)
I think those were excellent answers, particularly the part about the church and some Christians turning non-believers away rather than drawing them in. On the second question, I couldn't agree more. We've got to stop bashing people over the head with rules. I think your answer was right on track. I can't find where God intended to give us rules. They came into play when the Israelites refused to let God lead, and Moses complained that he had too many arguments and disputes to resolve. Thus, came a judicial system, rules and regulations to protect the people from themselves. The only rule in the Garden of Eden was for them not to eat from the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Could it be that every time we judge someone else for what they do, or judge ourselves even, we're still eating from that same tree? I have very strong feelings about this topic and on Christian theology. (I'm not saying that believers can and should do whatever they want to do. I am saying that Christians are to allow the Holy Spirit to lead them rather than rules.)

Prairiehiker -> RE: non-Christian friends and tough situations (4/27/2008 9:16:33 PM)
here's the link that I mentioned above. It's called "we anticipate our future part 3. It gives timely advice about living in a culture that unsympathetic about Christian values. http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Insight_for_Living/archives.asp?bcd=4/21/2008

bella05 -> RE: non-Christian friends and tough situations (4/27/2008 10:08:24 PM)
Thank you all very much for your responses! They're very helpful. I know not to judge any of my non-christian friends. Christians keep telling me "not to judge" and I'm starting to watch every single word I say which is good. But at the same time, I'm also somewhat fearful now and think "what if I totally mess up and lead her astray." Obviously she knows that I have different views and morals. So no matter what I say could upset her and then she'll be defensive. I'll definitely continue to ask for God's guidance with this issue. Thanks for the link Prairiehiker!

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