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RE: Online Fellowship for Single People - 4/28/2008 10:15:45 AM
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Pauley464
Posts: 578
Joined: 7/29/2007
From: Washington, Indiana
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I don't like it when married people post in the "Singles" forum. They can lurk all they like... but this is a singles forum. Married people have a set of issues all their own and a forum where they can deal with those issues among themselves. For a married person to post on the "Singles" forum is akin to men posting in the "She Says" or "Women Only" forums. A man may have a legitimate POV to voice in one of those forums, but that is not what it's for. The same for a married person in the "Singles" forum. They may have a legitimate POV to post, but this is a SINGLES forum.
If they don't like hanging out in the "Marriage" forum there is a forum for that also, it's called "Community Lounge".
< Message edited by Pauley464 -- 4/28/2008 10:22:00 AM >
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RE: Online Fellowship for Single People - 4/28/2008 10:23:24 AM
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ladioffaith
Posts: 2836
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I don't mind at all, as long as they're not being condescending about it or dominating a conversation. Sometimes they have insight to give us from the days when they were single.
Also ... there are a few people who are married who just post in the chat threads because this is where their friends are. Again, not a big deal. I would hate to lose contact with those people ... and I just get lost in Community Lounge.
Most of my fellow moderators are married, and my life would be missing something without them. I have yet to hear any of them say, "If you did x, y and z" you'd be married." Most of our conversations have nothing to do with marital status. Just because I don't have a husband, I don't begrudge them theirs.
Also ... there are a few people in these forums who USED to be married and can give us insight about marriage. Shar-Mar, you and Johnno come to mind.
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The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with
his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph. 3:17
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RE: Online Fellowship for Single People - 4/28/2008 11:03:02 AM
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Grace-N-Mercy
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The way I see it, we're all children of God and this forum attempts to give us a variety of outlets in which to discuss things of interest to each of us. It's important to me that we have this variety because I'm not just a single person; I'm a whole person. I enjoy going into other forums occasionally, even though I find the majority of my fellowship here. The married folk still have friends who hang out here, and we single folk may have friends who hang out in the marrieds folder or other folders where marrieds hang out
quote:
Also ... there are a few people in these forums who USED to be married and can give us insight about marriage. Shar-Mar, you and Johnno come to mind.
I agree. Do we need to make sub-folders for those who are divorced or widowed? I don't think so. I think the Single's forum is big enough to accommodate everyone. We may have different needs, but we also have many needs which are the same.
We don't just talk about things that pertain to singles here. There are probably marrieds who feel they're missing out on a lot of fun -- I've seen them join in occasionally not realizing they were in singles, and I'm not at all bothered by it.
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RE: Online Fellowship for Single People - 4/28/2008 2:13:54 PM
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Pauley464
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From: Washington, Indiana
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quote:
just because someone has moved on to married life, they can still keep in touch with their single friends.
Repeating myself--I believe that is what the "Community Lounge" is for. I am a whole person also, not just a single man. For that reason I visit, "Men Only", "Community Lounge", "He Says", "General Faith", "Relationships", "Morality & Ethics", "Science & Origins" and on rare occasion I have posted on "She Says".
< Message edited by Pauley464 -- 4/28/2008 2:24:38 PM >
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RE: Online Fellowship for Single People - 4/28/2008 3:23:57 PM
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Above_All
Posts: 12346
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Ok I have to chime in here...
One thing that I hope no one in here does is say that they don't want to see married people here and then turn around and contradict themselves by posting how disappointed they are in their married brethren that they don't reach out or talk to them because they are single. Doesn't make sense to me at all.
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RE: Online Fellowship for Single People - 4/28/2008 3:52:29 PM
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ladioffaith
Posts: 2836
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From: NE Ohio (L.A. . . Lower Akron)
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quote:
....... does this mean people who used to be married don't truly fit in here?
No, that isn't what I meant ... just that as former marrieds, they have valuable insight to offer us ... and they are justifiably welcome. Why is it that former SINGLES are not extended the same courtesy?
quote:
just because someone has moved on to married life, they can still keep in touch with their single friends.
Repeating myself--I believe that is what the "Community Lounge" is for.
So you post in Community Lounge, eh? Good for you. I don't. I get lost in there. I wouldn't know about key happenings in people's lives sometimes if not alerted by somone else. Which is why I see nothing wrong with a handful of people, a number I can count on one hand, pop into a chat thread here and there to say hi.
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~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with
his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph. 3:17
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RE: Online Fellowship for Single People - 4/28/2008 4:39:34 PM
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Above_All
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My question is why specifically would it bother someone? Curious about that. Unless someone comes in and makes an obvious and deliberate attack on singles, I just am curious as to why. One bad married poster isn't going to alienate the rest right?
< Message edited by Above_All -- 4/28/2008 4:47:00 PM >
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RE: Online Fellowship for Single People - 4/28/2008 4:47:47 PM
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sharonjef2007
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quote:
There are some from the singles forum who are now engaged, but rarely ever post over here. Don't know if they feel they no longer belong in the singles forum ... or because they are no longer *available* they feel they shouldn't post here.
I can't speak for others, but I am in this position. Part of the reason I don't post as much is because I'm too busy at work. Part of the reason is that while on paper I'm still single, I don't feel that way. And yet, I'm not married either. I also want to be respectful to those who might not be open to hearing from those who are not fully single.
But, I do intend to show my head in here once in a while and I am sure going to stay in touch with those people with whom I have become friends.
Is that ABC reunion thread still around or should we start a new one?
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RE: Online Fellowship for Single People - 4/28/2008 4:52:58 PM
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John_O
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Good question. On one hand I agree with Pauley. On the other hand I agree with Di on the other hand I've got something to add to it...
In every singles forum, group, club or even just random gathering the search for a mate plays a part. We may not want to admit it sometimes but many singles are looking to not be single anymore and they will look at who's around to see if anyone fits. As long as there are singles, this will not change.
As was stated in the other thread, it makes it hard when you are talking to someone and getting along really well and then find out they are married in the singles forum.
Recently marrieds are still part of our community. When a cousin gets married do you cut off all contact with them? I don't think so. When a Christian brotehr or sister gets married should you cut off all contact? Again, I don't think so.
The issue comes down to (as Di said) that the married can't allow themselves to dominate the conversation. I think it would also help if they mentioned they were married from time to time so no one could lead on.
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RE: Online Fellowship for Single People - 4/28/2008 5:31:34 PM
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.Pammy
Posts: 3989
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Mechanicsburg, PA, USA
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I don't mind marrieds in the singles folder, but I don't feel they should dominate, as others have said. They could have valuable insight, etc. (others have said all this better than I could).
Personally, I'm all over the board besides Singles. PFY, Women, Blog Towne, Community Lounge a bit, TV, even M&E (they've begun a few light-hearted threads). If I'm bored and nothing interests me in Singles (I'm not looking for a mate, remember, so I avoid those types of threads), I look at the "posts since last visit".
I had posted this in that "other" thread by accident, so I copied it and put it here.
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RE: Online Fellowship for Single People - 4/28/2008 5:43:24 PM
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ladioffaith
Posts: 2836
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: NE Ohio (L.A. . . Lower Akron)
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The ABC is still around ... and a high percentage of people there are married ....but most of the people you want to keep in touch with probably don't read it. I'm sure they won't kick you out of the chat thread, either.
_____________________________
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with
his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph. 3:17
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
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RE: Online Fellowship for Single People - 4/28/2008 6:36:32 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 26315
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Thank you all for your replies so far! 
And y'all are going to save me a lot of typing because now I can just quote your posts and respond. LOL 
quote:
ORIGINAL: ladioffaith
Also ... there are a few people in these forums who USED to be married and can give us insight about marriage. Shar-Mar, you and Johnno come to mind. quote:
ORIGINAL: Grace-N-Mercy
I agree. Do we need to make sub-folders for those who are divorced or widowed? I don't think so. Di, thank you for what you said. While I wasn't specifically thinking of my having been formerly married (or anyone else) when I started this thread, there is validity in what you said (regarding anyone who's ever been married before).
And Michelle's point is something else I was contemplating.
Where does the segregation stop? If we created a sub-folder for only the people who have been both divorced AND widowed (as in my case), there would only be a couple of us allowed in there. The same could be said for absolutely everyone's lives . . . not a one of them has been lived exactly like any one else. There's beauty in that; not cause for segregation.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Focusing
I agree that married folks can provide some good insight into the single life - after all, they once were single too.  Excellent, Sam! I was thinking the same thing earlier. There are separate folders for Men and Women because a woman can not really know what it's like to be a man, and a man cannot really know what it's like to be a woman. And even though we live in an age of gender-reassignment, I still don't think someone born of one can gender can truly relate to all the nuances of the opposite gender as fully as someone from the opposite gender can.
BUT. Every human being does start out their life unmarried. The very vast majority of married people have lived at least part of their adult life as a single person. They can relate to it on varying levels. Often they have valuable insight for Singles that came not from being Single, but from being married and looking at things retrospectively.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Focusing
I guess I don't see any of the forums as being exclusive ... with the obvious exceptions of Women's Only and Men's Only - and in those cases, it is a matter of respect to keep our noses out of there. I have, even on very rare occasions, posted in Extreme Teens; and I can guarantee you that my teen years are loooooong since behind me.  Interestingly enough, I've yet to see any teen put up a raucous when an adult makes the occasional post in any one of their threads. They may not respond (which is fine), but they don't complain about it.
Additionally, I am neither married nor a parent, but I have occasionally posted over there as well; admittedly, with the Parent folder, it's extremely rare that I have posted over there; in fact, I cannot pinpoint the last time I did, so it's been quite a long while (possibly years). However, again, when I have posted over in either of those threads, no one has gotten upset about it.
The only folders in this community that are segregated and have specific rules governing who can post in them are Men, Women, He Says, She Says and the Protestant-Only subfolder of General Faith.
I truly don't see the occasional appropriate post here in the Singles' folder by anyone (regardless of their marital status) as being some unforgivable deed.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Pauley464
quote:
just because someone has moved on to married life, they can still keep in touch with their single friends.
Repeating myself--I believe that is what the "Community Lounge" is for. I am a whole person also, not just a single man. For that reason I visit, "Men Only", "Community Lounge", "He Says", "General Faith", "Relationships", "Morality & Ethics", "Science & Origins" and on rare occasion I have posted on "She Says".
Paul, I agree with you. People should be whole persons. I encourage people to actually cruise around the forums; there's a whole wonderful world in this Community other than just "Singles."
I do disagree that only people who are presently Single should be welcomed here.
quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
Good question. On one hand I agree with Pauley. On the other hand I agree with Di on the other hand I've got something to add to it...
In every singles forum, group, club or even just random gathering the search for a mate plays a part. We may not want to admit it sometimes but many singles are looking to not be single anymore and they will look at who's around to see if anyone fits. As long as there are singles, this will not change. John, not every singles group, etc. have people searching for mates. I can think of several such groups that are made up entirely of singles specifically not looking, not waiting, not doing anything focused on finding a mate. Additionally, in the groups that do have singles looking, waiting, etc., there are also going to be people in those groups who are not. Nothing wrong with either.
quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
As was stated in the other thread, it makes it hard when you are talking to someone and getting along really well and then find out they are married in the singles forum.
The issue comes down to (as Di said) that the married can't allow themselves to dominate the conversation. I think it would also help if they mentioned they were married from time to time so no one could lead on. I have seen people identify themselves as being married when posting here in Singles - many times.
Additionally, I think people here in this folder sometime forget that according to this site's very own rules, this Singles' Forum is not a pick-up joint. It's expressed purpose is not for Singles to hook up with each other; it's for us to edify and encourage each other. If people come together as a couple after getting to know one another that's all fine and good; but if someone thinks they're being led on, then perhaps the issue lies with their own motives as to why they're posting in here or to a specific person and not necessarily an issue of someone else's motives (for clarity, I am not implying such motives are necessarily improper). This isn't an across-the-board-statement because obviously I don't know every single poster who posts here and there's always going to be inappropriate people anywhere . . . but I've seen enough married people post in here with very honorable attentions to give other married posters the benefit of the doubt when they post in here.
Additionally, I've personally have experienced this pick-up joint mentality here in Singles, and it's one of the reasons why I stopped posting in here for a while. I can go anywhere else in this community and not get bombarded with PMs from guys I don't even know wanting to "get to know me a little better." But here in the Singles, I will invariably get PMs from men who sometimes I haven't even seen the first one of their posts but they've seen one of mine somewhere in Singles . . . and they're sending me notes "wanting to get to know me better". THAT is definitely a pick-up mentality. Amusingly enough, I've taken to responding back to them that I am not interested a romantic relationship with anyone, and if they want to get to know me better, they can do so in the threads. Ironically, the vast majority of them never do reply after that; and the ones that do think I'm playing some kind of a "chase me" game . . . until I threaten to report them. THAT is also definitely a pick-up mentality.
I understand that this folder is specifically named, "Singles". But what's the harm in married people posting in here once in a while? Why is that so threatening to some people?
Why does everything have to have this "Singles vs. Everyone Else" feel about it? Why are we sometimes even seemingly hostile to married people or to people who are getting married?
I understand that some single people are, in fact, looking for a spouse. Wonderful! I truly have no problem with that. I love it when two people find each other. But why does it have to come down to no one else but Single people ever being allowed to come into our clubhouse?
I think these types of mindsets are akin to shooting oneself in the foot.
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RE: Online Fellowship for Single People - 4/28/2008 6:49:35 PM
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Above_All
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Lovely post Shar Mar. Having a pick up mentality, even one far in the back of our minds can and will affect our attitudes about the singles forum. I personally did not have one. I had fun pretending at one time though. Even so, the very fact that I wasn't looking for anyone here or even tried to makes a huge difference for me in terms of what the singles folder means to me. I also think too that how a person is dealing with their singleness makes a difference in our attitudes as well.
Hey I'm personally glad that I met Johnny in a folder other than singles. I am thankful for the friends I made in singles and for all the conversations about the most important matters in a singles life.
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RE: Online Fellowship for Single People - 4/28/2008 6:57:26 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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Thank you, Trishy!
And I agree, I think one's perspective regarding their own singleness is going to show in the posts they make.
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RE: Online Fellowship for Single People - 4/28/2008 7:30:10 PM
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Tinkerbell_
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However according to the rules everything we do here HAS to pertain to being single. FWIK there are no other areas on here (excluding the men's/women's areas). So we do have the disadvantage (or advantage; however you look at it) that we HAVE to discuss single things.
As far as what Jon said about 'giving the wrong impression'. I behave differently with married men than I do with single men. If I think a man is single I feel more comfortable and don't worry too much about offending a wife. But if someone is married and doesn't disclose that information, it could cause a false security. I will agree though that most people who are married and post in here are pretty upfront about it...either that or I just know they are. *shrug*
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RE: Online Fellowship for Single People - 4/28/2008 7:39:35 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
However according to the rules everything we do here HAS to pertain to being single. FWIK there are no other areas on here (excluding the men's/women's areas). So we do have the disadvantage (or advantage; however you look at it) that we HAVE to discuss single things. That's correct . . . however not every thread for Singles has to revolve around dating, etc.
I mentioned it in another thread . . . I don't behave differently with single men than with married men. The only exception to that is when I was married to CS or in an exclusive relationship, but outside of those two exceptions . . . I behave the same way toward a single man as I do a married man, and visa-versa.
edited: spelling
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RE: Online Fellowship for Single People - 4/28/2008 7:47:56 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 26315
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If any poster is posting in a thread that is off-limits to them (see examples below), that poster should definitely be reported via the "Report" link in the bottom right corner of the violating post. The moderators are very good about following up on TOS reports.
- Woman posting in Mens folder or He Says (if she's not the OP)
- Man posting in Women's folder or She Says (if he's not the OP)
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RE: Online Fellowship for Single People - 4/28/2008 8:13:19 PM
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Pauley464
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