I am confused (Full Version)

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Ashyah -> I am confused (4/29/2008 11:13:52 PM)

I have been married for 23 years.

From beginning my husband was distant. We didn't have a honeymoon night. From there he would only approach me every 6 months then every year then it went to every four years. In between these times there was no show of affection not even a kiss on the cheek or an I love you.

We suffered financially. He never held a real job. We would get utilities shut off.

I became depressed. It came to where I had to ask for affection. I finally confronted him about it . I asked if he loved me or not he said wasn't sure. Said he loved me with the love of the Lord. He told me this right after intimacy.

He had in the past slept in a different room when ever we disagreed on something. This he did for months on end. When our daughter moved out he took her bedroom. One day I walked in and he told me that I needed to knock on his door before entering.

One day I just left while he was at work. Every day I would come for personal belongings. He never asked why. He used to sit at a friends house an older man. Two months after I left he moved in some people from his church. All my things were still there. They were using them.I called him one day wanting to go back home. He told me that it would be under his terms. And, that was that he would still visit this old man and that I had to be a roommate to the people at the house.

I told him that I wanted to lay our problems down. That I was sorry. That I wanted us to go to counseling. He didn't say anything. I said if you change your mind call me that was one and a half years ago he hasn't.

It has been two years since I left. He has called me a couple of times when he can't get a hold of my son . Besides that he doesn't call or speak to me.He has since moved in with the older man.

I am now confused as to what I should do. I feel like I am sitting on the fence falling this way or that.



carl54 -> RE: I am confused (4/29/2008 11:27:38 PM)

I am praying that God will direct you and show you a clear way forward. I don´t know enough about your situation, but there seems to be a major problem that began from your early years of marriage that has not been mentioned in your post. It is not normal for newlyweds to have sex only every six months only for it to get worst from that point.



Ashyah -> RE: I am confused (4/30/2008 12:57:29 AM)

I met him through my sister in law. He knew their family. We lived 50 miles apart. He came over on the weekends.
During the week he didn't call me.

One day he said if I wanted to marry him I said no it was too soon. Then later I asked him and we made plans. Well, I guess I did. I moved into his home.

I really don't know what happened. He would just never really talk to me. He would come to bed and turn the other way. I would cry myself to sleep.

I had to make decisions and find solutions all by myself. What ever decisions that he made were with his pastor. Even taking a long distance missions trip with his church. I wasn't consulted. While he was gone he never called me.

After awhile my anger and depression built up. I couldn't get through to him. He now tells people that I am just too bossy.



tfkeel -> RE: I am confused (4/30/2008 8:41:18 AM)

quote:

I am now confused as to what I should do. I feel like I am sitting on the fence falling this way or that.


Well, it is clear to me that you have been abandoned by a husband who simply does not want to be married. He just feels no particular need for a divorce, because he is satisfied with the life he has.

My take on this, is that he is not going to change, and you are just wasting your time.

I think you would have every right to end your marriage and go on with your life. There is no way your husband is "pleased to dwell" with you.



morefaith -> RE: I am confused (4/30/2008 8:59:59 AM)

My Dear Sister,

My heart goes out to you as well as my prayers for your healing. I'm not going to sugar coat this. You and your husband are not joined as one. This is NOT how GOD intended marriage to be. Seem you've done all you can. The marriage is over at this point. Get the counseling for yourself and move on. This is the time to stay focused on GOD - hold on TIGHT to the Lord. There are counseling groups for folks who have been through the same thing. You are not alone!
You mention him being friends with this older man and moving people in from church after 2 months. Is it possible the man is secretly gay? Things being what they are today - you never know. We can give you advice all day long, but it's GOD you need to listen to at the end of the day. Find some counseling and talk about this for your peace. There are good Pastoral Counseling Centers out there! Trust in the Lord and let the Holy Spirit lead you. I am praying for you. You are going to be alright Sister! At the end of day - GOD WILL get the glory. You hold on for the Lord - not man!



Ashyah -> RE: I am confused (4/30/2008 11:44:59 AM)

You know....he sure is excited about the friendship with this man. Running everywhere with this man. Store, restaurant , church.

No one around here suggests that he may be gay. They are Christians and I guess that is a sensitive subject. They just say that maybe he thinks of this man as a father figure.I can see that but, his friendship with him is stronger than the relationship that should be ours.I didn't know about this friend. I thought he was at work while all the time he was over there. He never talked abou thim.

When I last talked to him about us he said that I am asking too much of him. That the changes that I want him to make will make him unhappy.



tfkeel -> RE: I am confused (4/30/2008 12:22:24 PM)

quote:

That the changes that I want him to make will make him unhappy.


Yes. When you boil it down, this is the general problem with marriage. One partner is satisfied with the "way things are", and the other partner is miserable with the "way things are".

Your husband sees no reason to change, because he is happy and content with the status quo. It sounds to me as if he never really wanted to be married to you.

Perhaps he is honest enough to admit that and let you go on?



YZGUY -> RE: I am confused (4/30/2008 12:30:11 PM)

I'm sorry to hear about your pain - Yes, his relationship with the is man seems very unhealthy. You mentioned he goes to church - Have you spoken to his pastor about the situation?



Ashyah -> RE: I am confused (4/30/2008 1:46:38 PM)

We have been born again christians since 94. Through the years I have gone to the pastors at the church. Which I now don't attend.The first time I asked for counseling we all went out to dinner us with our daughter and the pastors family. Afterwards they invited us to their house to talk. They took me into a different room while my husband and the children were left in a room to watch a film. My husband wasn't invited to the other room neither did he. Now that I think about that maybe they saw me with the problem and only did it to satisfy me. Well that night I told them everything then we just went home. He didn't ask me anything on way home or any other time.

Throughout the years I talked to them several more times about it. The pastor said that if my husband didn't ask for counseling that he couldn't give him any. Finally about a year ago I called pastors wife . She told me that my husband has gone on with his life. In so many words they can't counsel us. I guess it is because I don't attend that church anymore.

I used to be so depressed spent a lot of time in bed. Became so fatigued cried everyday. So much that one time I was sitting at sofa and my husband and daughter were playing cards in front of me and noone was concerned.

Since I have left I have been feeling better. Now I get up and dress my bed. I go to bed and fall asleep right away. I get up early and start my day.

I really want my marriage to heal . I rather have my marriage than be alone. But, you can't force someone to love you.

When I see him at my daughters house he doesn't speak to me. He doesn't look angry or hateful he just acts like we never were a couple. This is a situation that I have to live with since it has to do with the children.

I am thinking of getting a legal separation since he is careless with the finances. Owes back rent and utilities. But, in reading the statutes in my state I found that I won't be protected. I don't know what to do.



GroupW -> RE: I am confused (4/30/2008 1:53:42 PM)

There are times, which we hope and pray are rare indeed, where taking a tough stand is the most loving thing you can do. This is not how marriages were intended to be. This is not how men were intended to be. Sometimes the process of ending a marriage is the only way to save it. That means you have to be willing to let it go and see if he is willing to catch it.

BT



Ashyah -> RE: I am confused (4/30/2008 3:02:06 PM)

He has said that that is the way a men are.

I am planning to do something in June. The times in my car back and forth from appointments are the times that I do my most thinking and talking to the Lord. Last time I asked the Lord as to a time that I should wait on my husband the month of June came to mind.

I don't think that God would give me a time to end my marriage . I don't know if this means that in June something good may happen also.

I feel that if he is served with divorce papers it may move him. If he is served with legal separation papers he will go along with it. One time I did have him served he called and told me that he couldn't afford to get a separate place if we could just live at house separate and stay out of each others way. I said I can't live like that.



GroupW -> RE: I am confused (4/30/2008 3:09:20 PM)

Some men are indeed this way. We're not supposed to be. We're supposed to take the gift God made for Adam and cherish.

I liked your last sentence about not being able to live like that. We shouldn't have to. It's part of fighting on behalf of a marriage to set some limits. I like that.



carl54 -> RE: I am confused (5/1/2008 12:20:13 AM)

The ¨white elephant¨ in this discussion is whether or not your husband is gay or bi-sexual. Have you ever had any reason to believe that he is? Is is strange that he has been this way from the very beginning of your marriage and that he is quite content with little to no sexual contact with you.

Also, it sounds like your husband ended your marriage a long time ago, he just wants the satisfaction of been able to say that you are the one that ended it when in fact he did. I think you shoud severe all contact with him including when you go to see your children. Why suffer the humiliation of being ignored and continue to play his little games. Your husband chose not to be with you as a husband, it was not your call. Issuing devorce papers to him will only consumate what he has already ended. I would love to hear that he decided to fight the devorce, but I would not hold my breath on that one. Call his bluff, the reason for your devorce should be abandonment by your husband.



Ashyah -> RE: I am confused (5/1/2008 4:55:48 PM)

Last time we were intimate and it was because I asked for it he told me that he only did certain things to please me in the past. But, that he found it disgusting. He didn't even have to say that he could have just not done it.

When he sees me at our daughters house he just goes about doing what he is there for and doesn't even acknowledge me. Sometimes I am there and he shows up to do something. Like mow the lawn or work on her computer. And I have to live with that.

Sometimes it is easier than others. Sometimes when I leave my daughters house and they are still all there I have seperation anxiety.

I know that in time it will be alright.



GroupW -> RE: I am confused (5/1/2008 6:07:17 PM)

Ouch. You're right. There was no need to say that.

So one question is why the daughters live there. What's your feeling about the environment for them? Healthy or not healthy?



Ashyah -> RE: I am confused (5/1/2008 11:23:34 PM)

I quite don't understand your question.

I have my own apartment. Our daughter is married with home of her own. And, my husband is living with his friend.

I do know that she was affected by our situation.



GroupW -> RE: I am confused (5/2/2008 9:50:23 AM)

My bad. I was thinking your daughter was younger.

Sorry.



carl54 -> RE: I am confused (5/2/2008 9:44:49 PM)

I think your husband has long moved on, if he was ever there. You should concentrate on focusing on God, working on your spiritual walk and on your relationship with your daughter. I would bet your daughter has issues she needs assistance with pertaining to your husband and his relationships. I pray that God will bless you tremendously and bring you healing for what you have to endure. I know it may be difficult for you to see it now, but God has a way forward for you and your daughter. Just let him have his way with you.



Konstantinos -> RE: I am confused (5/2/2008 10:34:07 PM)

your husband is weird... he sounds.. gay. once every 6 months? spends so much time with that friend of his?

and hes pretty apathetic about it? most men are aggressive.. they'd be angry or something.

i wonder if he married you cause he was afraid of his parents... or society. if he rarely talked to you yet asked you to marriage, then he probably just wanted to get over and done with it so that people wouldnt think about it



Ashyah -> RE: I am confused (5/3/2008 11:53:30 AM)

And that is the thing that makes me wonder. Even if we had been having problems...when I just left in middle of afternoon while he was at work. He never called me. Till this day he has not said a word about it.

The only time he has called is looking for my son when he doesn't answer his phone. I would like to tell him not to but, then I think about maybe someday I will need to call him to ask about my son also. Last time he called my son was here and, I just handed the phone to him.

My husband is 57 years old. The older man that he is staying with is about 70. He would sit with this man every evening. I thought my husband was working. As he did not tell me about it. His church sent him over there to do some electrical work. And , that is how he met him. I have always thought that maybe he was there drinking. Because I didn't know my husband drank. After leaving the house I would go back to tend to my pets that I couldn't take with me and during those times I found beer. He probably drank to cope I don't know if he drank before. As you can see he was pretty private. I didn't even know how much money he made.

He doesn't file taxes. That concerns me a lot. I am looking to get a legal separation. Will talk to an attorney regarding that. I don't think it protects against that.

Our children don't feel that he is gay. I don't either. I know that there are some issues but, I always felt that he was just very insecure. Then sometimes I think well..I have low self esteem and suffered with depression but, when it came to wanting closeness I had no problems.To go for four years without intimacy not even a kiss or hug is strange. I wasn't mad everyday in those four years!

I feel my daughter has been affected. She met someone in high school. They have married. She told me that she was afraid to marry him because he could turn out to be like her dad. I said to her that not all men are like that. Well, she got pregnant. They married and now are arguing all the time. Her complaint is no enough affection.



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